Whatever the case, I couldn’t run away. Not when Adam and I had finally made some headway in our relationship. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice that for anything. I just needed to find a pay phone, I’d call him and have him pick me up. Then we could face my parents together.
I looked up and down the street. Late night traffic hummed along, uninterrupted. A few individuals were scattered along the sidewalks. During the day time, this street would be gridlocked most of the time and the sidewalks full of people. It was the quickest route to the freeway in the area after all. At night, however, it was actually somewhat peaceful.
Up the street, a few blocks down, I spotted one of those twenty-four hour cafes. A place like that was bound to have a pay phone, plus it was better than hanging out on the sidewalk while I tried to come up with a plan.
The interior was dated, like something straight out of the nineties. Oldies music was playing softly over the sound system. The pay phone was just inside the door, which was lucky because they seemed to be getting more scarce all the time. I dug around in my wallet for some change and raised a hand to feed the coins into the machine. I froze midway and felt a heavy sense of defeat settle over me.
I didn’t know Adam’s number.
It was programmed into my cell phone, along with the numbers of every single one of my friends and my parents. I didn’t have any of them memorized. I had no way to get in touch with anyone.
Dejected, I shuffled away from the phone and slid into a booth at the back of the diner. Today had not been kind to me and I was on the verge of breaking down right there in the middle of the diner. The only other occupants of the dining room were a few scattered patrons and an exhausted look waitress so I’m not sure anyone would’ve noticed if I broke into tears.
I took a deep breath and leaned forward, stretching my arms across the table and trying to get a handle on my frustration.
“Look kid, if you want to sleep here you need to order something. This isn’t a hotel,” the waitress said as she approached the table. I lifted my head to look at her and she seemed like she was a thousand percent done with pretty much everything.
“I’ll get some coffee then,” I said, sitting up straight.
“Coffee’s complimentary.”
“R-right...” I frowned at her. Customer service didn’t seem to be her strong suit. “Why don’t you bring me a menu then?” I asked, trying to be as polite as possible.
“Sure, I’ll do that.” She rolled her eyes and stalked away from me. When she returned with a menu I ordered the first thing that looked good, even though I wasn’t even hungry.
After she brought me my plate, the waitress insisted on running my card. Apparently she’d had one too many people order, nap, and then leave when the shift was changing over. She wasn’t going to let me get away without paying.
I looked down at my plate and sighed. My stomach was too upset for me to eat anything right now. I sipped at my coffee to try and stay awake while I argued with myself over what to do next.
I had to go home, that went without saying. I’d run a long way, but I wasn’t really all that far from home. Most of the time had been spent wandering around the confusing twist of streets that made up the neighboring developments. I’d gotten turned around more than once.
The clock on the wall of the diner said it was nearly four AM, which meant I’d been gone for nearly eight hours. I’d promised to call Adam so he was probably worried. My parents were probably worried too. At last I hoped they were.
After a lot of internal struggle, I finally decided that I would go to Adam’s house as soon as it was light out. I’d been there a few times before and I was pretty sure I’d be able to find my way there once I could see the landmarks. From there, I’d ask him to go back home with me so I could face my parents. I wasn’t going to be able to do this alone.
I’d just settled on my plan when the bell over the diner door chimed someone’s arrival. I glanced toward the door and felt my heart skip a beat.
“Adam!?” I exclaimed as I climbed to my feet.
Adam’s attention snapped toward me and the expression on his face melted into one of pure relief. He crossed the dining room and wrapped me in his arms without hesitation.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him as I tried to untangle myself from his arms.
“I should ask you the same thing,” he retorted with a frown. He stepped back and looked down at me with frustration. “Everyone was worried sick about you.”
“I don’t...understand...” I dropped back into my seat. “How did you find me?”
“Your credit card,” Adam explained. “Your parents were worried you’d buy a bus ticket or something. So they kept checking the banking app for new purchases.”
“Oh...I didn’t realize they had access to that,” I looked away.
“They co-signed for the card, of course they do,” Adam sighed and shook his head. He sat down across from me and tried to smile. “Your mom called Allie once they realized you were gone. She told her you’d run off and she asked her who you were actually dating. Allie freaked out and pretended not to know what she was talking about but gave your mom the number of ‘someone who’s a really good friend’ of yours. I wasn’t even halfway home when your mom called me looking for you. She said you ran away before they even got a chance to talk to you. She’s worried sick because you left your phone.”
“Yeah...that was dumb.” I tried to laugh, but all I felt was guilt.
“So I drove back to your parents house and talked to them about how to find you,” Adam continued. “Your dad and I drove around the neighborhood looking for you for a couple of hours. Between the two of us I think we checked every inch of every suburb in the area.” He stifled a yawn and shook his head to wake himself up a little. “I was terrified you’d wound up in a ditch somewhere. Your mom was getting ready to start calling hospitals when then diner popped up on your purchase history. Your parents thought I should be the one to pick you up since you ran off last time they tried to talk to you.”
Adam reached across the table and took my hands in his. All his concern over being outed seemed to have flown out the window. He looked me in the eye with a sincerity that made my heart ache. “What happened, love? You seemed like you had everything under control when I left.”
“I thought I did,” I said, looking away from him. “Then when I got inside I started to doubt everything. By the time my mom knocked on my door I was having a full blown panic attack. I wanted out of there so...I just ran. Then I started to regret it. I wanted to call you but I couldn’t remember anyone’s number.”
“I shouldn’t have let you go inside alone,” said Adam. “I should’ve realized that this was something that I needed to be there for. I’m sorry, Bry.”
“No, it’s not your fault. I guess being with you made me a little overconfident in my abilities,” I chuckled, but it was forced. “I’m scared Adam.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure your parents know what our relationship actually is now.”
“And?”
“They never even mentioned it. They were both worried about you. They asked me if I knew where you were or where you might go. Your mom begged me to help them look for you...” Adam’s voice trailed off and when he met my eyes again, he looked a little sad. “I don’t think what’s waiting for you is as bad as you’re afraid it’ll be.”
I could tell he was thinking about his own experience with his parents. He was happy for me, but clearly sad for himself. What would his life have been like if his parents had just handled things better?
“Are you ready?” Adam asked after a moment of silence.
“Y-yeah, I am.” I nodded. In all honesty, I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t think I ever would be. At least this time I had Adam by my side.
When we got back to my house, my mom was waiting for me on the front porch. She pulled me into a massive hug and started crying into my shoulder.
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” she blubbed, �
�I didn’t realize how scared you were. I didn’t realize how miserable you were. I thought I was doing everything I could to try and help and this whole time you were struggling by yourself.”
“Megan, come on let them come inside.” My dad appeared in the doorway behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Let’s give them a little room to breathe.”
Mom reluctantly stepped back and let Dad lead her to one of the twin sofas in the living room.
I glanced over at Adam and he nodded his support. Taking a deep breath, I stepped inside.
38
I sat down on the sofa across from my parents.
Mom was blowing her nose into a tissue and trying to stop crying, while Dad sat stoically beside her. I’d known them my entire life and, ever since I realized that I was gay, I’d lived in fear of what would happen if they found out. Yet, despite that fear, I still loved them and I wanted them to accept me as I was more than anything else in the world.
“Mom...Dad...I guess, I have something to tell you guys.” My tongue felt like a foreign object in my mouth. My words were clumsy and I caught myself thinking of all the ways I could’ve said that better. My heart raced and I had to will myself to keep my breathing steady. “I’m...”
The word hung in the back of my throat like a lump of gluey oatmeal. I could still take everything back at this point. I could still come up with some elaborate lie to cover it all up. Adam would back me up no matter what I said, that much I knew for sure.
But I could see it in their eyes. They knew. Lying to them now would only hurt them more and I’d caused enough problems tonight. Whatever happened next was out of my hands.
“I’m gay.”
The words were like a thunderclap. I’d said it, out loud and in front of my parents. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I’d been denying it for so long, hiding it like it was something to be ashamed of. Come what may, admitting the truth to them also felt like I was accepting myself for who I really was.
“I’m gay,” I repeated with a little more confidence, “and Adam is my boyfriend.”
My mother cleared her throat. “How long have you known?” she asked me.
It was a simple question, but it hit me hard. There was no accusation there, no words of denial. Her first words to me after I told her my greatest secret, were just a simple, reasonable, question.
“Remember when I told you I wanted to marry Neil Patrick Harris?” I asked, trying to avoid meeting her gaze. I was so full of uncertainty a this point. Everything could still go wrong.
“That was so long ago...” Mom’s voice trailed off. “I thought you were joking. I didn’t realize.”
“When you told me that boys couldn’t marry other boys, I realized something was wrong with me,” I explained. “I liked spending time with girls, but I never thought I could marry one of them. All my crushes were guys, but I learned to keep that to myself. I know that God and church and stuff is really important to you guys, but I also know all the stuff the bible says about how bad it is to be gay and I just...I could never tell you. As I got older I started hearing stories about families disowning their gay kids, or sending them off to therapists in order to be fixed...all sorts of stuff...”
“Bryant.” Dad’s voice caused me to flinch. He hadn’t said anything to me all night and I was terrified about what he was going to say. He was a church deacon after all and he took his position very seriously. “You never had anything to be afraid of. You are our son first and foremost. That will never change no matter what happens.”
I felt like his words almost bounced off me. They were what I had wanted to hear for so long that at first I didn’t believe it.
“I’ve been reading and studying the bible for a long time,” my father continued, “and even I don’t exactly understand what we’re supposed to believe about homosexuality. At the end of the day, I don’t think anyone would choose to be something that caused them to have to live in fear and I don’t believe that God would condemn a person for something that’s beyond their control.
“So I keep coming back to this one scripture. One that I think summarizes the entirety of what it means to be Christian; John 13:34. Do you remember it, from your Sunday school days?
I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself. I felt fragile. Like an ancient Ming vase just waiting for some careless oaf to knock it over.
“I-I remember,” I said as my voice cracked. I’d had that verse drilled into my head so many times I could never have forgotten it. I recited from memory, “’A new commandment I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.’”
“There, you see?” Dad said with a warm smile. “God’s love is unconditional, which means that our love for each other is supposed to be unconditional as well. Gay, straight, bi, trans, or whatever else, we’re supposed to love our fellow human beings unconditionally.”
“So Mrs. Fredericks can take her prejudice a shove it out the window,” Mom declared emphatically.
I chuckled a little at her enthusiasm.
“All I ask is that you avoid any...orgy type situations...” My mom grimaced a little.
“Mom!” I exclaimed, blushing out to my ears. “That’s not...you know I wouldn’t...”
“I’m just saying, be careful. I’d tell you the same thing if you were dating a girl.” Mom shook her head a little and reached for Dad’s hands. “I’m just sorry that you were so afraid for so long. I never wanted that for you.”
“Well, at least now you know why I was so depressed all the time,” I forced a laugh, but it fell flat. “Seriously though, Robin has been encouraging me to come out to you guys for a long time now. I kept fighting her on it because I didn’t think she understood the risk I was taking.”
“We’re not all like Mrs. Fredericks,” Dad chuckled. “There are definitely some people out there who really do take their belief so strongly that they would disown their family over something like this but...I have to believe they’re the exception rather than the rule. People don’t usually rant on the internet about their lives when everything’s going well.”
I looked sidelong at Adam. He’d been incredibly quiet throughout the entire conversation. If my dad was right, then what happened with Adam was the exception rather than the rule. Then again, there was a definite possibility that my dad just had an overly positive world view.
“So what are you guys going to do?” I asked, looking at my parents with a critical eye. “Now that Mrs. Fredericks knows she’s probably spread the news to half of her gossip chain by now. The whole church will probably know by next Sunday.”
“We’re not going to do anything,” Dad shrugged. “We support you. If other people have a problem with that then that’s their problem.”
I still couldn’t believe that there weren’t more consequences to my forced evacuation of the closet. My parents were being much more supportive than I could’ve hoped for. The whole thing felt strangely anti-climactic after all the stress I’d endured over the years.
“It’ll be dawn soon. You two should try and get some rest,” Mom said as she rose from the sofa. “Adam, you can crash on the sofa if you’d like.”
“Thank you, I don’t think I wanna try driving home right now,” he said as he stifled a yawn.
“I’ll get you a blanket.” Mom quickly disappeared down the hallway.
“You look disappointed,” Dad said, looking at me as he climbed to his feet.
“Not disappointed.” I shook my head emphatically. “I’m just...waiting for the other shoe to drop, I guess. If you guys just accept me like this, does that mean I’ve wasted my whole life worrying over nothing?”
“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Bry, but there’s no other shoe. Your mom and I love you, it’s as simple as that. We did our best to raise you to be kind, caring, honest, respectful, rational individual so we’ve got to trust that you’re on the right path.” Dad stepped toward me and laid a hand on my shoulder. “And you
haven’t wasted your whole life. A few years, maybe, but you’re still young. You’ve got an entire lifetime ahead of you.”
39
“I found it!” Mom announced in a sing-song voice as she walked down the hall with a blanket draped over her arms.
I frowned and glanced around the living room. “Where’s Eric? I didn’t see him when I came home earlier.”
Mom’s expression sobered a little and she looked uncertainly at Dad.
Dad shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose as if trying to ward off a headache. “He’s with your brother.”
“He’s with Dean?” my gaze flicked between the two of them.
“Yes,” Mom said with a little nod of confirmation. “Dean stopped by the house earlier to pick up some things from his room and Eric begged to spend some time with him. I thought it would do them both some good. Maybe Dean would get a taste of what he was missing and decide to come home and Eric would get to see the brother he missed.”
“Except Eric called just before you got home and told us he was going to stay the night with Dean,” Dad finished. I could tell by his tone that he was more than a little upset by the situation. “Your mother and I were discussing it when you came home.”
I inhaled sharply. My antics had distracted from a somewhat volatile situation with my brothers and I had no idea what to say.
“Why won’t Dean come home?” I asked as I watched my mother spread out the blanket she’d brought for Adam.
“Because he’s too proud,” Dad said with a snort. “He’s been failing classes and the college finally told him that he’d used up all the financial aid he could for his degree. So he came to me and asked for money. I told him that if I had that much money then he wouldn’t have needed financial aid to begin with. Then I told him that if he wanted to finish school he was going to have to get a job and work to pay for it. I offered to help him if he agreed to do that. But he got angry and accused me of holding out on him. He said that if we hadn’t bought this new house then we could’ve afforded to put him through school, and it went on and on and on.”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 31