The feeling of his skin against mine was like fire in my veins. It accelerated my arousal and had me quivering with excitement and desire. I wanted Adam like I’d never wanted anything or anyone else.
We collapsed onto the bed in a tangled heap of limbs. Our lips barely parting long enough to take a breath before we resumed our exploration of each other’s bodies. What came next was almost intuitive. I gave myself to him, letting Adam take the lead. He took his time, made sure that I was ready and able to handle what came next.
I’ll never forget what it felt like when he entered me for the first time. It sent a shudder through me that rocked me to my core.
Slowly, we moved together, becoming more intimately aware of each other’s bodies. After all the pain and agony of the last year, we had finally reached what felt like a finish line and this was our reward.
When we finally lay, breathless and spent, entangled in one another’s arms I knew that there was no one else I’d rather be with. He was my everything and I’d give anything for him.
“Was it everything you thought it would be?” he asked me, propping himself up on one elbow.
“And more,” I said with a light laugh. “But...next time, I top,” I added with a wink.
Adam grinned. “Oh, really now? You think you’re up for it? It’s a lot harder than it looks.”
“I think I’ll manage,” I replied as I leaned up and kissed him.
“I really do love you, Bry,” Adam said as he stroked my cheek. “I don’t think I’d be here right now if I didn’t. You’re my everything.”
“And you’re mine.”
We spent the weekend roaming the boardwalk and the beach, in between long sweaty, sessions of strenuous naked activity that is. It was everything I could’ve wanted it to be. Almost.
Adam was distracted. Not completely absent, just preoccupied. There was clearly something on his mind, but never seemed able to share it. Sunday evening, as we sat on the balcony watching the sun set into the ocean, he finally opened up.
“They held us down when they did it,” Adam began. He was gritting his teeth and his eyes were focused on something before the edge of the horizon. A memory that only he could see. “One of them would kneel on your back, press you into the concrete, while someone else got the razor. Not like electric clippers, or a disposable razor. An honest-to-God straight razor with an edge so sharp you’d bleed just looking at it. You could barely breathe because of the guy sitting on you but you couldn’t struggle for a breath because that razor was going right up against your scalp. No matter how still you were, you never came away without a few cuts either. But you had to try because the alternative...my bunk mate had scars on his head that made it looked like he’d been attacked by a bear or something.”
“Adam...” my voice trailed off, as my words died in my throat. What was I supposed to say? I’d been begging him to open up to me and now that he finally was I didn’t have damn word that sounded good enough.
“But they had to shave your hair,” Adam continued. “If they left it, it would all just start falling out anyway. That’s what your body does when it’s starving. Cuts off the nutrient flow to non-essential growth, like your hair. It just drops out of your head in chunks. I was terrified when I woke up and found a fistful of hair on my pillow. It was right after that that they shaved me the first time.
“But they justify it all. The calorie restriction was to teach us restraint so we wouldn’t be governed by food. Shaving our heads with straight razor was to teach us that inaction was sometimes the most prudent response to a situation. The five mile runs, were to instill discipline, same with waking up so early and going to bed so late.
“All their justification was just bullshit. They weren’t trying to build us into better people. They wanted to break us. Turn us into quiet, controllable, obedient boys and girls who did what they were told and conformed to their parents’ wishes. Some of the guys that had been there for a couple years were practically zombies. They went through the motions of their routine and never once spoke up or stepped out of line.
“As much as I tried to tell myself I was going to make it, I was going to keep my promise to you, there were times when I wasn’t sure. I doubted my ability to keep going. I was only there for six damn months and I was already thinking about throwing in the towel. Six months! That’s what my promise to you amounted to and I...I’ve been trying to tell myself that I would’ve kept that promise no matter what, but I honestly don’t know.” Adam looked up at me with tears in his eyes.
“I still wake up in the morning expecting them to toss me out of my bunk, or dump ice water on me, or play an air horn over the PA system,” he shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. “There are times when I still think I can feel the razor scraping across my skin.”
I quickly moved from my chair and knelt on the ground beside Adam. I took his hands in mine and looked up into his eyes.
“You kept your promise, that’s all that matters,” I said, kissing his hands. “You’ll drive yourself crazy if you sit there wondering if you could’ve lasted another six months or not. That’s not a question you can answer now and it’s not one that needs an answer anyway.”
“Bry...”
“I know it’s not much, but I’m here for you, babe.” I sat up on my knees and leaned up so that I could give him a kiss. “I know it was hard for you to share that with me, but it makes sense now why you jerked yourself awake the last two mornings and why you’re so weird about letting me touch your head. I can’t take away the memories, though I would give anything to be able to.
“What I can do is promise that I’ll be there for you in the mornings, when you wake up screaming. I’ll be there to soothe away your demons and wrap you in my arms. When you’re plagued by what they did to you, I’ll be there to kiss it away and ground you in the present.
“I may not be able to take those old memories away, but I can give you enough new ones that those start to fade.”
“What kind of new memories?” Adam asked, a sly grin touching his lips.
I reached up and brushed away the tears on his cheeks, before giving him another kiss. This one lingered a few seconds longer than absolutely necessary.
“All kinds,” I replied with a wink. “As long as they’re good.”
“Every memory with you is good, even the bad ones,” Adam said as he dragged me up into his lap. “This shit...I’m trying to work through it with my therapist, but I’m worried it’s never gonna go away.”
“Well, neither am I,” I retorted, looping my arms around his neck.
“Never’s a long time.”
“I’m counting on it.”
Epilogue
My parents’ backyard was absolutely gorgeous for their Start of Summer barbecue. Stingers of mini paper lanterns stretched overhead, lighting up the cool twilight and adding a cozy atmosphere.
The guest attendance was up from last summer. We weren’t back to the “pre gay Bryant” days but it was nice to know see that that the new church was working out well for Mom and Dad. They were making friends and finding where they fit in.
Adam and I had managed to get our friends make an appearance as well. They’d been avoiding all my invitations to the “church barbecues” as they liked to call them. I think they were worried people would try to convert them or something. Like Adam told them, my parents’ barbecues are all about friends and family. It just so happened that most of my parents’ friends were from church.
I was ridiculously happy as I sat with my friends around a backyard fire pit and listened to them tell jokes. If it was possible to be drunk off happiness, then I absolutely was.
I caught sight of Mr. Fischer, chatting with my parents. He still struggled with some words, but he’d mostly regained his ability to speak. He was still regaining fine motor skills, but was able to walk and dress himself again. He’d fired his nurse a few months ago, and returned to work full time. If he continued improving at this rate then I was pret
ty sure that by next Summer it would be almost like he’d never been in a coma at all.
My brothers were hanging out on the far side of the yard. They were still as thick as thieves, but they’d both made a lot of improvements in their lives. Of course, Eric was a freshman in high school now, so that opened him up to all sorts of new and exciting drama. Thankfully, Dean was in a position to actually offer him guidance now. He was still going to his gamblers anonymous group once a week. Next month he’d be getting his chip for one full year without making a bet.
Allie had finished out last school year in the private school her mom had arranged, but she was preparing to spend her senior year at the school in Europe she’d wanted to go to before the accident. She hoped it would give her the fresh start she needed to finally move on with her life. I hoped for her sake that was the case.
As for Adam and I, things had been blissfully quiet. Nothing life shattering had come up to disrupt the peace. We’d gotten a few ribs at school for being gay but not many. It is California after all and we’re heading into the 2020’s now. It’s not like gay couples are really that taboo anymore. I’m not saying that assholes and homophobes don’t exist. They’re definitely out there as we both experienced first hand. Just that our generation at least seems to be a lot more tolerant the ones that came before.
When I got up to refill my drink, Adam came with me. We were halfway across the yard when he swept the empty cup from my hand and passed it off to someone else. Before I had a chance to protest, he’d taken both of my hands in his and was looking me in the eye.
Someone, who sounded suspiciously like Allie, started shushing the other guests until the only sounds were the crackle of the fire and the chirping of crickets.
“Bryant...when I met you at the start of Junior year, I was still too afraid to ask you out directly.” Adam’s voice was calm and clear as he spoke. Meanwhile, my heart was thudding like a stampede of wild horses in my chest. I was in complete denial. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be.
“Thankfully,” Adam continued, blissfully unaware of my internal turmoil, “you didn’t think I was crazy when I asked, out of the blue, if you wanted half of my chips at lunch. Even though we were still complete strangers, you took a chance and accepted my offer.
“Since then, things haven’t really been easy. But we had friends and, eventually, family to support us along the way. I look back on who we were at the start of that school year, and I almost don’t recognize who we were. We’ve grown and changed so much since than.
“But all that growth’s only brought us closer together. We went from sharing a bag of chips, to sharing a kiss. We came out, neither of us by choice, but we embraced it together. Now...Bryant, I need to ask..” Adam lowered himself to one knee as he fished a ring box out of his pocket. “Will you share a life with me?”
I choked back a lump of emotion when I saw the ring. It was the band I’d pointed out to him when we were at the mall last week. Simple, thin, white gold, with a couple of inset diamonds along the band.
“Of course I will,” I said as I held out my hand. I felt my heart pound as I felt the weight of the ring on my finger. Adam stood and kissed me.
“You ruined the whole thing,” I said with a little laugh as our friends and family clapped in celebration.
“What did I ruin?” Adam looked baffled. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No...you didn’t...it was perfect, just...” I dug in my pocket and pulled out a box of my own. “I was gonna propose too.” I heard an “awww” spread through the guests in response to my revelation.
“I didn’t know...” Adam gasped, stepping back and putting his hands on his head.
“Of course not, dummy,” I shook my head. “Come here,” I held my free hand toward him. Adam reluctantly returned to my side. “I don’t have a big speech prepared or anything like that,” I said as looked him in the eyes. “You know how people always say that they knew they were meant to be together from the moment they met? I honestly had no idea. I think my gaydar is broken because I honestly just thought you were trying to be nice to guy who didn’t have any friends. It wasn’t until the fourth or fifth bag of chips that I actually started to get suspicious.
“I don’t really want to draw this out anymore. I’m not good at making stuff up on the fly. My original intention had just been to pull out the box, drop to one knee and let the ring do the rest, so I’m just gonna fall back on that.”
Adam chuckled, but didn’t say anything as I opened my ring box and held it aloft. “Adam Fischer, will you marry me?”
The ring was one I’d seen him eyeing during that mall trip. The clerks at the jewelry store must’ve gotten a kick out of the two of us coming in together and then sneaking back separately to make our purchases in secret.
Adam held up his hand once the ring was in place so that everyone could admire it. Someone snapped a picture of the two of us showing off our engagement rings. I got prints and had it framed. It was the first thing I hung on the wall when we got out first apartment together.
That was quickly followed by the knickknacks I’d collected on our various trips. It took a little time, but eventually we managed to assemble a home that reflected who we were as a couple. Fun, spontaneous, and one-hundred percent committed to one another.
Adam started college the year after he graduated high school. His plan was to follow in his father’s footsteps as an engineer. He was good at it too, placed well in his entrance exams and was able get a jump start in his classes. Not bad for a guy who almost had to repeat senior year.
On the other hand, I wound up going the stereotypical gay dude route and began to study fashion. I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but they’re cliches because they’re true. I never considered myself a fashion-forward individual, but I did enjoy the process of creating and designing things for people to wear. My drawings got a lot of positive reviews from my peers and I managed to secure an internship with a reputable designer right out of school.
We eventually adopted a baby boy from South Korea and when he was five Adam convinced me that we needed a dog, so we got one of those too.
At least, that was picture I painted of our future when Adam and I were laying in bed together after the barbecue.
“You really think we’ll wait that long to get a dog?” Adam asked me a little incredulously as he stared up at the ceiling over head. “I mean...it’s eight years to get my master’s, then the kid is five and then we get a dog. So that’s like thirteen years...”
“Those things don’t have to happen one after another,” I said with a little laugh. “We could always adopt while you’re finishing your degree. We’ll pay the way with all the money I’m making from my designer clothing line.”
“Right, right, I forgot about that,” Adam chuckled and kissed my forehead. “It’s a pretty vision of the future though. I’m curious to see how it turns out.”
“It doesn’t have to be exact,” I admitted as I rolled onto my side so I could look Adam in the eye. “To be perfectly honest, I’m happy with the way things are too.”
Adam stifled a laugh. “With us taking turns sleeping over at each other’s parents’ houses?”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”
“Then what do you mean, love?”
“Just that...things are simple, nothing’s nailed down or set in stone. It’s all free to turn out however...and as long as I’m with you, I think it’s gonna turn out just fine.”
About the Author
Kristina Renee was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area of California. She married her high school sweetheart after college and they have two sweet and adventurous sons. She spends her time chauffeuring her kids around and doing technical marketing, but when she can escape, she loves reading, writing and editing.
Learn more at www.KristinaReneeBooks.com
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The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 39