And while he was still in shock and unsure of what had just happened, I whispered softly and sweetly in his ear that I loved him.
He looked at me like he was still confused about what was happening. So I stepped back a little to give him a little space and to show that I wasn’t totally crazy.
“I’ve been trying to tell you that all night. It’s just come out wrong every time.”
And when he didn’t say anything and looked like he was stuck in some sort of coma, I got scared and ran off crying. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I just had to get away from him and from the perfect night that he tried to make for me and I ruined.
I’m not sure what happened next exactly. The next thing I know, I felt some resistance on my arm as I was running. And then I turned around to see what it was. Then I was kissing him.
When we stopped kissing long enough to take a breath, I was the one that was in shock. He seemed alert enough to notice the group of people just staring at us. “Do you want to finish looking at the aquarium, or would you like to go home?”
Not being entirely in my right mind, I said, “I’m going to fuck you.”
He looked at me, nodded his head, and said, “Let’s go home.”
That was the longest car ride I have ever been on, even with Jack speeding and running a couple of the stop signs. When we got home, Megan was surprised to see us so early. I mouthed that we were going to do it and then told Jack to wait for me in the bedroom while I got freshened up.
When I got back into the bedroom, Jack was waiting for me. He was sitting there in a t-shirt and boxers. He still had his socks on. He looked really cute. I walked as sexily as I could and started to kiss him.
He pulled out of the kiss and said, “I really like you.”
“I really like you, too, Jack.”
But before I could start to kiss him again, he stood up. “That’s just it, Liselle. I can’t say that I love you. I don’t think that we should do this until I can say that. It’s not fair to you.”
Oh, My God! I know that I’ve given guys blue balls before, but Jack is the first guy to ever give me a blue heart. I could understand him not wanting to sleep with me the first night that we spent together. But he likes me know. He even really likes me, which is totally code for “I’m on the verge of being in a relationship with you.” Really liking me is a step beyond Facebook’s “It’s complicated.”
And I don’t know why, but I ended up saying, “What the hell, Jack. You take me out on some of the most perfect dates I have ever been on, and then you end up telling me that you only just really like me after I say that I love you.”
“I just want to be sure that you don’t get hurt”, was all he could say.
“Bull shit! You love me. You’re just afraid that you’re the one that’s going to get hurt. I’m not like Brittany. I’m not going to do anything to hurt you. I’m not going to just suddenly one day end this with you. This is the relationship I have been looking for all of my life.”
“Okay. Answer me this. How do you know that I love you?”
“You remembered the first time that we kissed which by the way, according to today’s date, you were not counting the time that we were drunk and you first came home with me. That was the first time that we kissed. If today is the one month anniversary of our first kiss, then you must be counting the kiss the night that you told me I was beautiful, or the kiss the night of the party when we kissed in the shower.”
“What’s wrong with celebrating the one month anniversary of the first time when we kissed when I told you you were beautiful? It’s the first night that I started to have romantic feelings for you. I’m sorry if I wanted to celebrate it with you.”
“But you celebrated it by taking me to the aquarium. I didn’t know why you would do that, until you brought up The Little Mermaid. You were trying to be the prince I have been looking for. You know that you could be that guy. You want to be that guy.”
“Yes! I want to be that guy, but then I’m with you and start to doubt everything that I’m feeling. What am I going to do if I screw this up? Where will I turn?”
And as I watched him, he turned into the scared, lost little puppy that I found at the bar the night that Brittany left him. “And what if we have sex, and I’m not as good as the other guys that you’ve been with. Will you still love me?”
I sat down beside him and just held him. “You might not realize it, but our first time is not going to be about the actual sex. It’s going to be about the expression of something deeper. And all couples are a little awkward at sex the first few times. It’s a matter of getting to know the other person, their technique, and getting into a rhythm with them. That’s something that we will be learning together. And it has nothing to do with your lack of experience or my...”
And he put his finger to my lips to keep me from saying how experienced I am. And we kissed a kiss of understanding.
As we were in bed that night, we both apologized for various things. He said that he was sorry if he did anything to lead me on, but that everything he did was because he cared for me. He’s just dealing with a fragment of a heart right now and needs to take it slowly.
And I apologized for being so crazy tonight. And then I apologized for lying about it being my time of the month. I just didn’t want him to think that I was crazy.
I really do love him. I will just be glad when he is able to do more than just really like me. It is making being with him part heaven and part heartache. I never know whether I am getting closer to us getting together or whether I will get hurt by a guy that is perfect for me and that just happened to come into my life at the wrong time.
All of this is making his kisses all that much sweeter. I lay in bed most nights and cherish being in his arms. Thankfully he has never caught me watching him sleep. He seems so at peace when he is with me. And he looks like he belongs there with me.
Of Like and Love
By
Jack Webber
When I first started dating Brittany, I was infatuated with her. I couldn’t spend enough time with her. Since we were in high school, the time we spent together was in a few hours after school and a couple more hours on the phone. The weekends were reserved for actual dates.
After three weeks of this high school relationship, I told her that I loved her. There was no doubt in my mind at that time what I felt for her was love.
Telling her that I loved her was probably one of the biggest gambles of my life. She had never given me any real indication that she liked me as anything more than a friend. We had kissed and held hands, but she seemed to be taking her time getting to know me.
As I think back on it, I was clearly leading the direction of the relationship at that time. We were good throughout high school. The more that we got to know each other, the more the relationship grew stronger. We would need that strength during the summer between high school and college as we were all that we had during an unpredictable change in our lives.
Our first year of college was also good. We were each other’s support system. As we enjoyed more freedom, we grew closer together instead of farther apart.
The summer between our freshman and sophomore years was one of the best summers of our lives. Instead of depending on each other for a sense of security, we could actually enjoy each other’s company.
We almost had sex that summer. Being a guy, I thought that we should have already had sex. We had discussed it several times throughout our relationship. She would always tell me that she loved me, but that she wanted to wait until marriage.
That summer was our golden era. It was carefree and fun. We were no longer two stupid kids in high school. We loved deeper and were more like an adult couple.
When we returned to school in the fall, our relationship was the strongest it had ever been. Maybe I had gotten too secure in that feeling. Maybe I started to take the relationship for granted and stopped working on it.
Our work schedules and class schedules chang
ed. We did spend less time together, but the time we did spend together was good and free of conflict.
Looking back on it now, I can see that we were fueling the relationship on the past. We had fallen into a rut and kept on following the same patterns that had worked for us in the past.
During this time, we told each other that we loved each other countless times, but each time it was becoming more and more a lie. By this past summer, we were no longer a couple in love. We had just grown used to each other and were afraid to admit that something that was once so perfect had started to go wrong.
I’ve asked myself a million times since the breakup why I asked her to marry me. I think I knew the relationship was having problems. The thought of not having her in my life scared me more than an imperfect relationship.
Instead of being in love with Brittany, I really liked her. I cared about her as a person and didn’t want to see her get hurt. We should have broken up some time last year, but we allowed our relationship to endure.
Looking back on it now, I realize that I asked her to marry me because it was the next step and my last chance of keeping the relationship together.
There are times that I wish you could have funerals for people, places, things, and events in your life that are over. Brittany and I should have pulled the plug on our relationship at least a year before it actually ended. We could have held a little service for each other, mourned the loss of what once was, and then moved on.
The denial on both of our parts is what hurts the most. We just chose to deal with it in different ways. She chose to look for love somewhere else. I chose to continue the lie that was our relationship.
I don’t know what is happening between me and Liselle. She says that she loves me. I only know that I feel about her like I did with Brittany as the sun was starting to set on our relationship. Only I feel a little bit more for Liselle.
Liselle confuses me and comforts me. If I’m falling in love with her, it’s nothing like when I fell in love with Brittany. Maybe that’s not being fair to Liselle. Maybe love doesn’t come the same way every time. Maybe that’s why we keep looking for it and sometimes miss it when it is right there in front of us.
I just don’t want to get hurt again. Liselle is all I have right now. If I lose her, I will never be able to recover.
All’s Fair
By
Jack Webber
I have always been told that all is fair in love and war. I can somewhat agree with the war part. If you have the ability to totally annihilate your enemy, go for it. People’s lives are at risk. It’s better to destroy another people that will always be nameless and faceless to you than to have a bunch of your own people die and to have wounded soldiers walking around your town.
War is a nasty business that is all about winning. To make it beautiful and sanitary is beyond reason. What is fair is not really a question one should be asking when it comes to war. Why should one innocent civilian die while another lives? Why does one soldier live while the one standing next to him dies?
It matters to the loved ones at home. We would like for death to be fair. We can blame God and tell him that we think it’s not fair. As much as it hurts, death is fair. We all have to go through it at some point. Nobody can ever escape it. So whether we do it early in life or later is just a matter of timing.
But if I can say something about death, it is that it is the great equalizer. The rich and the poor are the same when they’re six feet under.
But love... Ah, now that is something entirely different. If God is love and we want a fair and just God, then love should be fair.
Love isn’t like war. It’s not about winning. It’s about another human being. If you want to possess somebody’s affection so badly that you are willing to cheat to call that person yours, then you will never really have that person. You can have that person physically, but the heart can only be given by the person to whom it belongs.
I guess, in a way, that love isn’t fair. You can love somebody and never have them love you in return. But love is fair in that each of us are given a heart to love with, and we can love whomever we want with that heart, even if the love isn’t reciprocated.
This is the problem that I am facing now. Somebody has declared their love for me. I really like them. They are very special to me, and I would be lost without them. And I am physically attracted to them. I just can’t honestly tell them that I love them.
I’ve told them this because it is the right thing to do to be fair to them. I’ve been hurt by love before. I could have used this other person and claimed that it was all fair in love and war, but that is thinking about love as war.
When you take the time to actually discuss your feelings with another party and stop thinking solely about your wants and desires, you find that love conquers war.
Oct. 21, 2010
Ever since I told Jack that I loved him, he has been less passionate with me. He still holds me affectionately, looks at me longingly, and listens to everything I say.
Maybe the problem didn’t start exactly right after I said that I loved him. It has gotten worse since then. Thinking back on it, it really started a little after I squirted on him, but he seemed okay with it right after it happened. At least, he was there for me.
I know that he keeps saying that he is trying to not hurt me, but he’s hurting me more by making me think that he really does love me and won’t admit it. I’ve had my heart broken a million times. I prefer that to getting signals from a guy that only fan the flames of hope that he could ever love me
Lately when I am in the comfort of his arms, I have been going over every conversation we have ever had. Since we started out just using each other, I might have been a little bit too open with the amount of guys that I’ve been with.
I got myself tested today for STDs at the health center. I don’t know why I did it, except that it’s a good thing to do every now and then.
Ever since I met his mom, I have felt a little bad about myself. I haven’t met a lot of my boyfriends’ moms. Maybe I’m not the kind of girl that you bring home to Mom. Jack thought I was, though. He even defended me in front of his. That has to count for something when it comes to whatever he is truly feeling and is afraid to show.
And maybe he is holding off on being more intimate because he has seen what the previous guys have done to me. Maybe he doesn’t want to be one of those guys and wants to wait until he can be sure that he is able to love me.
Either way, I shouldn’t really complain. He has been a better man to me as a friend than most of the guys that I’ve dated. Besides how I feel about him, I like how I feel when I am with him. I just hope that I can keep him and make him feel like I do.
Oct. 24, 2010
I got the test results back today. I don’t have any STDs. I was really happy to hear it, and I wanted to tell Jack, except that I didn’t quite know how. There’s no good way to tell the man you love, “Hey, I know I was a bit of a slut before I met you, but I just got tested. You can screw me and not have to worry about catching anything.”
There were so many times today that I wanted to tell him. I just felt ashamed. It’s not that it’s the first time I’ve been tested. I once dated a guy, Judson Roberts. I thought that I really loved him at the time.
He was really smart and really good looking. He had a beautiful smile and dimples. And he had the most beautiful blue eyes that were made even more beautiful by the fact that they were brought out by his perfectly tanned skin and dark black hair.
We had been going out for about a month and were about to get serious. And then we just suddenly stopped. He told me that he only fucked women that were disease free and that I should get tested because... “I know you’ve been around.”
So I got tested. I felt so bad about myself and everything that I’ve ever done that I felt like I had to. I mean, Judson was so smart and handsome. If he rejected me, the man that would accept me would hardly be worth having. I figured that it was better to have hi
m than to settle for the alternatives.
Once the results came in okay, we did have sex. Well, we didn’t have sex immediately. I had to get on the pill. That’s actually when I started to take the pill. Judson didn’t like to wear condoms, so he made his girlfriends get tested before he would sleep with them. Sorry. “Fuck” them. I should use his words.
I think his objection to condoms was partly comfort. He said, “You wouldn’t stick a bag over your head. Why would you stick one over your little buddy?” And he said something about pulling the hairs when he took it off.
He also gave me the environmental argument. He said that condoms were made of latex, which were made of oil. In addition to using up a non-renewable energy source, we would be filling up the landfills with bodily fluids and something that isn’t biodegradable.
It sounded like a reasonable argument at the time, although I did question it a little. It was just that I thought that he was so smart that I didn’t really want to appear to be even more stupid than I really am.
I thought a lot about Judson the other night as I was lying in bed with Jack with the knowledge of the test results, but, for some reason, I felt really ashamed about bringing up my test results to Jack.
When I finally got up enough nerve to tell him, he seemed really confused by my telling him that I had gotten tested. I tried to explain it as I was on the pill and that some guys don’t like condoms for environmental reasons, or because they pull your dick hairs.
And Jack just looked at me as if I were crazy. He then kissed me on the forehead and said, “I’ve been living with you for over a month now. I’m not really worried about getting diseases from you. And in case you haven’t noticed, I throw away the plastic bags that we get from the store instead of recycling them.”
He then just laid down and tried to go to sleep.
That’s when I told him about Judson.
Broken Hearts Damaged Goods Page 13