“Hmmmph” is Mom’s reply.
We find our dad in front of the TV, feet up on the coffee table. “Hello, my beautiful daughters,” he says, his green eyes lighting up as he sees us. We sit on either side of him, like we did as kids, and he wraps an arm around each of us.
“How have you been, Dad?” I ask him, watching the basketball game he’s got playing.
“Not too bad; how have both of you been?” he asks us, pausing the game to give us his full attention. “Your mom is making your favorite lunch, Zoe.”
“What about my favorite lunch?” Vanessa grumbles.
See, like children.
“You had yours last time,” Dad reminds her, lip twitching. “Now, why don’t you both tell me what’s new in your lives and what you’ve been up to recently?”
Hmmmm.
Bikers.
Jail.
Corrupt police.
Chlamydia.
Vanessa using my apartment as a brothel when I’m not home.
My boyfriend’s mom begging me to let her die.
Which one should I mention?
“Just work, Dad,” I end up going with. “And hanging out with Vanessa when we have the time. We still do our weekly dinner catch-ups.”
“That’s nice. I’m glad you girls still make time for each other.” He beams at us. “It means we raised you both right and that you know the importance of family. That’s all I can ask for as a dad.”
My dad would probably die if he knew the things we’ve really been up to lately, so we just pretend that Vanessa and I are sweet, innocent girls who are all work and no play.
Happy parents, happy life.
Or something like that.
29
“Rogue doesn’t drink much now that you’re in the picture,” Ace says to me from where he’s sitting on the couch.
“Well, that’s good, right?”
“Yeah, he seems much happier now,” he says, studying me thoughtfully. “I’m glad he met someone like you.”
“I’m the one who’s glad,” I reply, glancing down at Walker.
Celina and Knuckles are having their date night, so everyone has been called to the clubhouse for babysitting duties, since it seems to take the whole MC to do the work of one mother. When both babies start to cry, I know why she called us all in: because it takes all of our patience bound together to handle the situation. How does she do it? She raises two babies the same age, one who isn’t even biologically hers, and she works. I have no idea how she finds the time to juggle a career, kids, and a home.
“My hat’s off to working moms,” I say as I gently rock a crying Walker in my arms. “The babies are so full-time, how the hell does she find the time to do her journalist gig? She’s a fucking ninja. Does she have a cleaner? Because if she cleans her own house too, she’s an alien or something. I’m calling it.”
“Celina is my new hero,” Erin admits as she feeds David his bottle. “Ace, how the hell are we going to do this? We need Celina to move in with us.”
“We’ll be fine,” Ace assures her, opening his arms. “Here, give me David, I’ll feed him.” She passes over David and his bottle, and Ace commences with the feeding. “He’s so cute,” he says.
“I know, right?” Erin smiles down at the baby. “I hope our baby looks like me.”
I laugh at that, and Walker stops crying and looks up at me with sleepy eyes. “Aww, are you sleepy, Walker?” I ask him in my baby voice. I get some cute baby babble in return, and then he rests his little face against my chest and I melt just that little bit more. “You can do this, Erin,” I say to her, exhaling in contentment. “They’re so worth it, aren’t they?”
It’s Ace who replies. “Yeah, they are.”
Rogue enters the room with dinner in his arms, from that secret place he still won’t tell me about but I know is near the clubhouse. “Food is here, guys.”
I follow him into the kitchen with Walker in my arms, and Rogue takes him from me. “You eat,” he commands me. “I’ll look after the little monster.”
“He’s about to fall asleep,” I tell him, laying the food out for everyone’s easy access. Rogue expertly places Walker on his shoulder, gently tapping his back and rubbing smooth circles to comfort him. He’s so good with children, probably because he’s stepped in as uncle to these two, and it shows in how confident he is around them. This strong so-called criminal man is such a softie at heart, and it’s a beautiful thing to see.
“That’s a new way you’re looking at me,” he murmurs, bringing me out from my daze.
“I know,” I say, with a cheeky grin, and look away, not giving anything else away to him.
Don’t want his ego to get any bigger than it already is, right?
Ace walks into the kitchen with David, holding him as far away from his body as his arms can stretch. “He pooped. Who is going to clean it?”
“Don’t bring him near the food,” Rogue comments, wincing, as if the smell can contaminate the food somehow. “You should clean it to prepare yourself for your new arrival. Think of it as training.”
I can’t help but giggle at the look on Ace’s face, his light eyes filled with dread. “I don’t know, Rogue. I feel like this is more of a rock-paper-scissors situation. Erin almost threw up at the smell, so she’s out.”
“Oh, she must have started with the nausea,” I reply, feeling sorry for the poor girl. “Here, let me change the poor kid. Otherwise he’ll be stuck in his diaper while the two of you argue.”
I take David from Ace’s arms and grab the diaper bag from the table, laying him on his mat on the floor. I remove his little pants, completely unprepared for the explosion in front of me.
“Oh my God, I need more wipes!” I call out at the top of my lungs. “This is not a drill! Rogue!”
Erin peeks her head in, closing her nostrils with her fingers. “Holy shit, I need some fresh air.”
Rogue comes over hesitantly. “What do you want me to do?”
“Pull more wipes out! If I let go of his legs, he’s going to squirm, and the poop will go everywhere,” I tell him, trying to keep the baby still. Rogue does as he’s told and hands me a giant pack of wipes, watching over my shoulder while I try and clean up the eruption. Once David is clean, I put his diaper in one of those little bags and hand it back to Rogue. “You can put this in the bin outside, please.”
I can tell he doesn’t want to, but he takes the bag and makes it disappear. I lift David up and look him in the eyes, and he smiles—the cutest smile I’ve ever seen—and coos at me.
“Can’t even be mad at you,” I tell him. “You are just too damn cute.”
He giggles, and I melt into a puddle in front of his eyes. I stand up with him and pass him back to Ace, who happily takes him now that he’s clean.
“Thanks, Zoe, you’re the real MVP,” he says with a wolfish grin. I can see how he got Erin to fall for him. David pulls at Ace’s light hair, and Ace lets him. The two of them together are adorable, and I think that Ace is also going to make a great father.
“I’d say any time, but that would be a lie,” I reply, smirking. I wash my hands and grab a plate, joining the rest of them at the table.
“And fair call,” Erin mutters, grimacing. “I’m going to have to do that every day and more. And I won’t even be able to use being pregnant and nauseated as an excuse to get out of it.”
I shake my head and throw a fry at her. “You asshole.”
“Hey, I can only use this excuse for nine months, so I need to play it up as much as I can,” she says, eyes flaring. “At least I got the whole telling-Dad thing out of the way, and Ace is still alive, so that’s definitely a pro.”
“Trust me, he did want to murder me with his bare hands,” Ace admits, stretching his neck from side to side. “But I pointed out that I needed to help raise the kid, and I doubt he’d want to make Erin a single mother, because then he’d have to help her and wouldn’t be able to live his bachelor lifestyle.”
“Al
l valid points,” Rogue admits, nodding. “Quick thinking, Ace, I like it.”
“Keeps me alive,” Ace adds, his eyes dancing with humor. “You gotta be able to talk your way out of any situation when you’re a person who trouble always follows.”
“Or a person who follows trouble,” Erin says with her brow arched. “Don’t be acting all innocent, Ace. Nice try, though.”
He chuckles softy, leaning forward to lay a loud kiss on her cheek. “Well, you needed a partner in crime, didn’t you? And now you’re going to marry yours.”
“That’s true,” she admits, glancing up at him from beneath her lashes. “And now you’ve knocked me up, so I’m kind of stuck with you either way.”
Prez walks into the kitchen just in time to hear her comment, and his jaw goes a little tight, but he brushes it off and says nothing, reaching down to take David so Rogue can eat with two hands instead of multitasking. “Hello, little man.”
Prez is going to love his grandson or granddaughter, even if he or she is making an appearance earlier than he would have liked. Anyone with eyes can see that. I don’t think Erin should be worried in the least.
“Aren’t you going to eat, Dad?” Erin asks, watching her father.
“I’ll eat when one of you is finished. For now, I’m going to take David and Walker and watch football with them,” he says, lifting Walker up in his other arm. “So you guys can eat in peace.”
He leaves the kitchen with a baby in each arm and all of us watching him.
“That was a bit cute,” I say, smiling.
“My dad never got the chance to raise me,” Erin says to me softly, a sad smile playing on her lips. “And now he gets to be around all of these babies. I know it’s not ideal that I’m pregnant before I finish my degree, but my kid is going to have the best grandpa in the world.”
“I believe it,” I say, smiling at her. “I was actually just thinking that. He can pretend to be as put-off as he likes, but he’s going to love that child so much. I bet they’ll have a great relationship.”
Rogue is silent next to me, and I wonder if he’s thinking about his own family situation, and his mother. No matter what happens, though, he has us, this family right here.
I just hope that’s enough to get him through.
30
When I read Mrs. K’s chart the next morning after entering her room and seeing her, my chest tightens. Overnight she’s gone into cardiac arrest and has fallen into a coma. Because we are both a hospice and aged-care facility, we have the same equipment as a hospital, so we don’t have to move her. She has a doctor watching over her, and it says her family has been alerted, so they must have called Rogue. I send a quick message making sure he’s on his way, then sit down opposite her, guilt filling me. She knew something like this was going to happen, and she wanted me to help her. Now she’s in a coma as the doctors try and prolong a life that she doesn’t want, that she isn’t even fighting for.
It’s only the machines that are. And she wouldn’t want them to save her.
I bury my face in my hands and wonder what I could have done differently or how I could have helped more. I should have spoken to Rogue. I was trying to spare him hearing this, but I know I didn’t because I was in denial that she’d ever get this bad. This is my fault. He should have known how she was feeling. And now it may be too late. She was so unhappy here, and now this is the last place she will ever see. If that isn’t depressing, I don’t know what is. I think about why I work here, and how I do make a difference in the only way I know how, which is to give them the quality care, dignity, and friendship that they crave.
Mrs. K wanted me to save her, but I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and now I’ll have to live with that too. Rogue arrives at the home about fifteen minutes later, panic filling those eyes I love so much. He stands over his mom, who is hooked up to life support, bows his head, and cries.
I move to his side and cry with him.
Rogue stays silently with his mother for the next few hours.
“Why don’t you go and get something to eat, Rogue?” I rub his shoulders. “I’ll stay here with her. You need to eat, and there’s been no change all day.”
He glances up at me, eyes empty, and nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. You’ll call me if there’s even the slightest change? I should go and call my brothers, and let everyone at the clubhouse know what’s going on too.”
“Yeah, of course I’ll call you. And you know she has the best care,” I assure him. “The doctor isn’t leaving here, he’s bouncing between two residents, so he’s literally in the room across the hall. And I’m here to watch her.”
“Okay, thanks, baby,” he says, giving me a quick kiss and leaving.
I sit down next to her bed and sigh deeply. I was hoping we’d have more time before we got to this point, but I guess that’s a selfish thought, because Mrs. K didn’t want to be here any longer.
What a mess this is.
I ask her doctor a few questions so I can try and manage Rogue’s expectations, but even the doctor is unsure if she’s going to pull out of the coma. An internet search leaves me with less hope than before, because it seems like some people never come out of the coma, and then you need to choose whether you want to turn off the life support or not. With Mrs. K’s age and other health conditions, I don’t think it’s going to be a hard decision, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
I have to watch my man’s heart breaking, and there’s nothing I can do to help him.
Not only that, but I’ve also lost a woman I’ve grown to care about, my favorite resident here, and the woman who one day would have been the grandmother to any children I may have with Rogue. He returns an hour or so later with Ace, Knuckles, Prez, Erin, Celina, Walker, and David, his support network, coming to be here for him in what might be his darkest moment. I leave them alone in the room and get back to my job, knowing that he’s not alone, that he has his people with him. I keep busy, chatting with the other residents and finishing the tasks set for me on this shift. I run into Marissa in the staff room on my coffee break, and she sits down next to me with her own cup of coffee.
“I’m sorry about Mrs. K,” she says to me, breaking the silence. “How is Rogue doing?”
“She’s not gone yet” is my reply to her. Normally, Rogue’s name coming out of her mouth would make me want to kill her, but we have bigger issues right now than my raging jealousy.
“I know, but you have to admit that it’s not looking good,” she mutters, and I wonder if this is the bedside manner she uses with all the residents’ family members.
“Thanks for that,” I reply, not wanting to be rude, but if this is what she has to say to me, I’d rather she didn’t say anything at all. I stand up and empty my half-full mug into the sink. “I better get back to work. Enjoy the rest of your shift.”
“Yeah, you too.”
I don’t know what else to say, so I bail and go back to work earlier than I have to. Anything is better than making small talk with Marissa, which is awkward as hell. Once I’ve attended to everyone, I walk back into Mrs. K’s room to find only Rogue and Prez. I kind of feel like I’ve interrupted a moment, so I try and back out of the room, but Rogue calls my name.
“Don’t go,” he says, tapping the seat next to him. “Come and stay with me. If you can, of course.”
I close the door behind me and sit next to him, looking at Mrs. K. “Everyone else left?”
“Yeah, there’s not really much room here for everyone,” he explains, and he’s right—there are only two seats.
“Has the doctor said anything else?” Prez asks, straight to the point. “I tried to talk to him before, but he brushed me off after the first few questions, and he didn’t answer any of them properly anyway.”
“Nothing, except that I need to think about what I want to do if she doesn’t come out of the coma soon,” Rogue admits, scowling. “I told him I’m not going to take her off the life support. If there’s even a small chance that she can co
me back to me, I’m going to take it.”
Which isn’t what she wants.
Fuck.
“I don’t think she’d want that,” I admit, hating the truthful words that leave my mouth, but he needs to know. This is the only way I can help: by letting Mrs. K’s wishes be known. “As a matter of fact, I know that she doesn’t. She told me, Rogue, and I think you need to take her wants into consideration here.”
“She told you what?” he asks, frowning.
“That if it comes to this, she wants to be taken off life support,” I say quietly, looking down at my clasped hands. “She told me that she tried to tell you as well. She’s fought enough, and she doesn’t want to have to anymore. She’s tired, Rogue.”
“She didn’t know what she was talking about, she wasn’t in her right mind,” he mutters, shaking his head. “No, she can’t expect me to do that. She might not have any fight in her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want me to fight for her. I can fight for her. I won’t let her go.”
“This isn’t what she wanted,” I state.
“I’m her son, Zoe,” Rogue says in a hard tone, a muscle tic in his jaw. “I think I know what is best for my own mother. Don’t get involved in something that has nothing to do with you.”
Wow.
Okay. And this is why she wanted me to try and persuade him. I understand now.
She knew that he wasn’t going to stop fighting for her, even if she didn’t want to be fought for. The thing is, though, he’s actually fighting for himself, not her.
Mrs. K has only me to fight for her and what she truly wanted.
I don’t say anything else.
I know Rogue is going through a hard time now, and everyone is tense. He effectively put me back in my place, even though his mind is clouded by grief right now.
Yes, it’s his mother.
But this is not what she wanted, and I know that for a fact.
I don’t want to fight with him.
I feel badly, like I’ve let her down somehow, but how can I possibly bring this up again?
Going Rogue Page 17