by R. Twine
‘Miriam Henderson, please come in,’ called the female receptionist, interrupting my inner conversation.
Getting up readily from my chair, I confidently followed her to an open door made of carved wood. In a hall, in front of a small stage, there were four men sitting by a table heaped up with folders, notepads and photographs.
‘How do you do, Miriam?’ An imposing man took off his glasses studying me with an intense stare. ‘Tell us a little bit about yourself,’ he asked politely. ‘Describe your life in a few sentences.’
‘I was born in Cannes to a family of creative intellectuals. My childhood was cloudless: I was happy, and loved the world around me. When I was twelve, my parents died a tragic death, and I was left in the care of my grandparents. I did very well throughout my education, and later on asserted myself as a successful photo model. In the future, I’m going to devote myself to private international law,’ I summed up and paused.
‘Take a stroll around the stage, please,’ requested one of the female assistants.
I went up the stairs and strolled a little around the stage.
‘Thank you, that’ll do,’ said the assistant.
‘Come over here, take the text, look it through and then read it aloud. You may choose the tone to your liking…’ said Jack Nilsson, handing me two sheets of paper stapled together. ‘This is a passage from the script. There’s a dialogue in it…Read it on your own, without a partner – this will facilitate bringing out your potential to its full advantage.’
I ran through the text, trying to grasp its meaning. After I was through with it, I said, ‘I’m ready.’
‘Begin, then,’ nodded Jack Nilsson.
‘It’s hard for me to love you, Bryan. I want to set myself free from this feeling because it has turned me into a slave. You’ve been taking advantage of my blind love, and I’ve been meekly satisfying your whims; but I can’t go on like this anymore…’
‘Liz, my leaving without you would be senseless! I need you like a man needs air to breathe; I cannot live without your love!’
‘But I don’t want to live like this! I’m sick and tired of hiding constantly and living a double life. What I want is peace of mind. I’m tired! I’m tired of spending my time permanently waiting for something big to happen… I would give anything to fall out of love with you, to be rid forever of the feelings that tore my heart apart. This love affair of ours…It poisons us. It poisons our souls and our lives! We have to put an end to all this, Bryan – just to save ourselves!’
‘Rubbish! You know perfectly well that I can’t file for divorce now. And if our affair comes to light, the whole country will witness a terrible scandal! Have patience, darling. Unfortunately, it’s hard, almost impossible, to change the current situation. I know you’re suffering, but, believe me, I’m suffering, too! I don’t want to lose you, Liz, because only you can make me truly happy!’
‘Yes, I see…But what about the baby?’
‘Which baby?’
‘Our baby – I’m pregnant. I’m with child, Bryan. I’m two months pregnant. And it frustrates the hell out of me that our baby isn’t going to have a father! That is, he will be unaware of his existence…’
‘In this case, Liz, you can’t stay here any longer. In a couple of months I’ll arrange for you to leave the country during the time of your pregnancy and the birth of the baby. If reporters ferret this out, there will be an awful scandal!’
‘I was dead sure you’d offer me this, Bryan. You just kill me with these words of yours… I suspect I was and always will be playing only a secondary role in your life.’
‘Don’t say such things! I love you and I’ll never leave you – whatever you may say. I’ll always be by your side. If I had met you earlier, it would have been you who’d have become my wife, not her. It is for the first time in my life that I have had such strong feelings towards a woman, Liz, but, unfortunately, nothing is so simple. It’s impossible to change anything for the time being.’
‘Bryan, your position will never let us be together, and this means that everything’s going to remain as it is. Our love is doomed, and we just cannot do anything about it. You have to understand that we are at the threshold of major changes, followed shortly by the end of our relationship…’
When I finished reading the passage, my heart was hammering violently in my ribcage. This love story could leave nobody unmoved. Such an inescapable situation, such despair! I tried to fill myself with Liz’s sufferings: how it was to love a man while being aware of the fact that you cannot be together; to carry a baby, knowing at the same time that your child would be growing up without a father…
‘Your English is flawless, Miriam!’ said Jack Nilsson, after a small pause.
‘Thank you,’ I said in reply.
‘We’ll consider you candidacy, Miriam. If we need you for an additional audition, our agent will contact you. Goodbye,’ he said politely, and started to put something down in his notepad.
I went out of the theatre, still impressed by what I had read. I wanted to be in love, but the kind of love Liz had for Bryan seemed too big a sacrifice to me.
How can I play this part without knowing what true mutual love is? I want to read through the entire script, I’d like to know how further events unfold. This role must be very hard to play: it’s an uphill task to play the actress once revered all over the world! She was the actress of tragic fate, and her memory remained in people’s hearts even after her death.
****
Two weeks after the audition there came a phone call from Marie Taylor.
‘Miriam, I have good news for you! You were selected – along with several other candidates – for another audition. This means being filmed in a short test movie,’ she added enthusiastically.
‘I will come, of course I will!’ I said, nearly jumping with joy.
‘Filming will be carried out in the same place as before. When filming is over, please, look in at our agency: there’s one more contract for you from a prominent fashion house. Good-bye,’ said Marie, and hung up.
‘I’m off for movie tests!’ I said to Natalie, sharing the news. ‘When they’re over, we’ll know the outcome.’
‘Fantastic! Tell me what he‘s like, this famous Nilsson!’
‘Nothing special, he looks like an ordinary man. But I’m sure he’s got a practiced professional eye, capable of detecting his future actors almost instantly,’ I replied. ‘He’s short-spoken. That’s all I can say, because I haven’t seen much of him. Seems to be quite an interesting character; he made me feel well disposed towards him, as a matter of fact.’
‘And what about the film itself…?’
‘Looks like a melodrama of an unfortunate love. It takes a gifted actress to play this role; it’s quite a difficult one.’
‘In general, you were always lucky, Miriam – it may be that they will finally approve your candidacy.’
‘Lucky?’ I asked in bewilderment, having at once recollected my parents’ tragic death.
‘Yes, you are lucky, there’s no denying the fact,’ said Natalie in response.
‘It’s still quite hard for me to imagine myself as an actress…’
‘As far as I can remember, there was a time when you couldn’t imagine yourself as a model,’ interrupted Natalie.
‘A movie requires living the life of the main female character, not your own life. I’ll have to play what I’ve never experienced before. To my mind, it’s quite a task.’
‘A model is a kind of actress, too,’ remarked Natalie. ‘If an opportunity arises for you to be filmed in a movie or get a job in a theater as an actress, you’d better quit thinking about law and get down seriously to building up the career of an actress.’
‘But I haven’t gotten any offers yet, and the career of a model is a short-lived one: today you’re in demand, but tomorrow nobody needs you; you are dumped and forgotten. The same holds true for the film industry: there are great numbers of young and promising actors strivin
g for stardom; some of them do manage to become popular for several years, but then they somehow disappear, and I hear nothing of them. I am simply trying to make a realistic assessment of the situation without creating illusions which may turn harmful in the end.’
‘Do give up your stupid habit of thinking and seeing ahead! Let things unfold as they go! If you’re offered something interesting – don’t turn it down.’
‘Of course I will not refuse when selected out of a thousand of hopefuls. I must admit, I do want to be their choice.’
‘It will definitely happen just like that, because nothing in your life happens by accident. It may well be the next stage you’ll have to go through, who knows…?’
‘Come around to see me, Nat, if you can. Please.’ I asked her.
‘I’ll certainly try to come around next week. I promise…’
Chapter 23
‘I’ll e-mail you the script of the episode you have to memorize by Friday,’ Marie Taylor said. ‘This second audition is to decide who will get the role.’
After getting the text, I made up my mind to start rehearsing right away. I was eager to transform myself into a beautiful woman suffering from love, the woman who became an icon for many generations! Nobody was indifferent to her; her life was watched closely by hundreds of reporters trying to ferret out one more piece of sensational news. The man she loved was no less popular: his smiling face didn’t leave the front pages of magazines and tabloids, as the personification of a prominent politician, a model husband and a caring father. The film plot was based on real facts – movie-goers knew the two characters very well, so all the events and actions had to be depicted with a high measure of realism, though the plot involved a certain amount of fiction. The more I thought about this woman, the stronger my desire to play the role became. I wanted to live the several years of love she had in her life. Many years had passed since she had died, but the interest in her personality still lingered on. Liz remained an enigma to everybody! Kronos, the god of time, proved unable to erase her memory. She became the symbol of eternal femininity, sexual appeal and beauty.
I sat in front of some photos of Liz, and started thinking of the best way to play the episode. What should I do to persuade them all that I would be capable of coping with this difficult role? What should I do to fit into the image, to warm to my role? What should I do to turn myself into her? The answer came spontaneously. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in her place. I started to be filled with her feelings and emotions, started to watch everything through her eyes, breathe with her chest, pass her pain through my heart.
I felt I was already fitting into the image – I was ready for my monologue. I switched on the camera to record myself so that I could analyze my performance objectively, and then began reading the text over and over again, until her words became mine.
I worked on the text for several days, going through the already filmed versions of my monologue, and selecting the ones I considered the best. I tried to get used to the required intonation, tried to fix in my memory the right facial gestures, and to make my movements natural. After reaching the level where all this started to come automatically, I presented myself for testing.
Jack Nilsson was not around; a man of forty-something stood in for him. He had a rather pleasant face with a constant fixed smile on it.
‘I will be filming your monologue,’ he said politely, looking at me appraisingly with his blue eyes. ‘Tell me when you’re ready.’
‘I am ready,’ I said without the slightest delay.
I was disappointed by Jack Nilsson’s absence – for some reason it made an impact upon my mood. I suddenly felt like doing what I had to as soon as possible, and then leaving. Closing my eyes, I breathed in and out several times, then knelt and started to read Liz’s emotional monologue.
All those present at the audition, all my unwilling spectators and judges, watched the film episode unfold before their eyes; I sensed them tracing my every word and gesture. But then a moment came when I warmed to my role so much that the reality around me ceased to exist: the only things that remained were Brian, Liz and the love they shared.
‘…Bryan, your position will never let us be together, and this means that everything’s going to remain as it is. Our love is doomed, and we just can’t do anything about it…’
I finished my text and got up.
Silence fell upon the hall. Edward Peters, Jack Nilsson’s colleague, and his two assistants sat staring at me. I was silent, too.
‘Not bad, not bad,’ Edward finally said. ‘This role is a difficult one, and takes a lot out of you emotionally. You’re doing really well…’ He took off his glasses, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. ‘We’ll think it over, and come to a final conclusion some time later.’
I nodded, and was about to leave the hall when Edward spoke again – emotionally and with enthusiasm.
‘Miriam, you have a natural drive best suited for tragedies. Liz, the character of our film, was a very bright personality. She was very vulnerable and was prone to fall into depression, while her volatile nature kept her from getting along with men. But all things considered, she was regarded as a sex symbol almost all over the world – and still is to this day, for that matter! She was a very multi-faceted personality. Liz still is an enigma to all. There’s something about you that reminds me of her. You two don’t have much similarity in appearance, but both of you have something enigmatic. There’s some mystery in you that makes you different from the others. Just like Liz, you are beautiful and distinctive! We ‘re not looking for similarity of appearance between her and a hopeful, we’re looking for an actress capable of rendering the extraordinary nature of this woman and the sway she held sway over the hearts of men!’
I left the studio quite full of hope – I was so overjoyed and excited; I felt like dancing and singing out loud. God, how pleasant for my ears it was to have heard such words of praise! Now I craved this role: I was absolutely confident I would be able to handle it. My life was about to take a sharp turn, and drastic changes were just round the corner! Well, I was ready for them!
The long-awaited phone call caught me unawares. I heard a cooing female voice in the receiver – this was one of Jack Nilsson’s assistants.
‘Good morning, Miriam. I’d like to express my personal congratulations on the occasion of your having been approved for the leading role. Production is scheduled to start in three months, and one of our representatives will contact your agent about signing the contract. This same representative can supply you with all the details of your prospective work and the film script. So long Miriam!’
‘So long,’ I said in reply, unaware in my bewilderment of the luck that had come crashing down upon me.
A strange sensation came over me – as if the ground were being pulled out from under my feet. My head was swarming with jerky thoughts, and there was a pleasant tickling in my chest. A state of sweet and emotional confusion engulfed me. I was approved, was I not? It’s just incredible! Hollywood is waiting for me– it can’t be! It’s amazing!
My photos appeared on the front pages of some popular magazines. The articles spoke about how I had been offered a leading role in the film by one of the most famous American film directors.
‘I’m happy you’ve succeeded, Miriam!’ said Marie Taylor congratulating me.
Old movies in which Liz starred and documentaries about her tragic fate were aired on TV quite often. There was hardly anyone who didn’t know the name of this unparalleled actress… Everybody – without a single exception – was asking me the same question: “Why has Nilsson decided precisely in your favor?” But this was the question only he himself could answer.
Unfortunately, I was unable to continue my studies: photo sessions, preparation for filming, taking part in TV programs and giving interviews on the radio took up quite a lot of time. Three months went by almost unnoticed. The time came to pack my suitcase. During the three months I managed to get used to my future image on
the screen, and got a deep feel of Liz’s life. Still, there was one thing that worried me: my would-be partner who was to play Bryan’s role. The film was full of hot erotic scenes, and I had no idea how to behave during intimacy, and was afraid of failing.
‘How’s the future star doing? Let’s go out for dinner together.’ offered Nat on the phone.
‘I’d love to…,’ I agreed.
‘By the way, you may still find a man to rehearse with before you leave,’ Nat joked as we were sitting in an Italian restaurant, finishing off our dessert.
‘This is just absurd; nobody’s going to believe me, even if I drop a hint. Will you explain to me: how can a virgin possibly play a role in such a film? It’s a good thing nobody was smart enough to ask me about it. They might not have decided in my favor had they known about this delicate aspect,’ I replied gloomily.
‘What a situation! But still I’m positive you can handle the role of this impressionable yet sensual woman. Besides, nobody’s going to require real love-making of you,’ said Natalie.
‘Can you come see me, Nat? For a week, at least! There won’t be a single kindred spirit around. The production is supposed to take up to a year; I’ll just go crazy from loneliness!’ I begged her.
‘I’ll definitely come. There’s no way around it for me. But I bet you’ll find someone fun to hang out with by then,’ she said laughingly.