Unfettered II: New Tales By Masters of Fantasy

by Shawn Speakman

  “Can we leave the grammar debate to one side,” Danny said, “and talk about why there is a dragon in my coffee shop?”

  “Are you okay?” I said to the girl I didn’t know, working my way around the sleeping bulk of the dragon.

  She blinked, looking up at me and adjusting her glasses. “I don’t think so.”

  “Are you hurt?” I bent over to help her up. “I think Danny has a first aid kit.”

  “No, I mean, I’m not hurt, but I think I’ve gone crazy.” She grabbed my wrist and hauled herself up. “I could have sworn that was a dragon about to eat me.”

  “You’re not crazy,” I said, gesturing to the rest of the group, which had gathered around the dozing dragon. “Or at least, if you are, we’re all crazy too.”

  “Damn,” she said. “Any other explanation is going to be a hell of a lot more trouble.”

  “What’s your name?”

  “Anna.”

  “I’m Brian.” I kept hold of her hand, which was soft and warm. “Let me introduce you to the others.”

  “It could be CGI,” Evan was saying as we came over. “I mean, it’s possible. They can do crazy things with computers these days. Did you see Avatar?”

  “That’s not right,” Danny said. “That’s not even wrong. You can’t—you know what, never mind. What do those of you with more than two brain cells think?”

  There was a long moment of silence, during which Anna and I joined the circle. Danny raised an eyebrow.

  “Sorry,” Gil said. “We weren’t sure who you were referring to.”

  “Everyone but Evan,” Danny said. “And Brian, but I’m awarding him an honorary third brain cell for bravery.”

  “Aw, harsh,” said Evan.

  “It looks like a pretty standard dragon,” Jason said. “Hexapodal, which I always thought was weird. Scales. Breathes fire. Straightforward.”

  “Where the hell did it come from?” Danny said.

  “Danny,” Lisa said, moving over to the hole the dragon had left in the front window, “can you turn on the outside lights.”

  Danny gave her a quizzical look, but went over to a panel behind the counter and flipped a switch. A couple of big bulbs flickered to life under the awning, over the area that was used for patio seating in better weather. There was a collective gasp from the room as they pushed back the darkness.

  The patio was gone. The street was gone, and so was the Laundromat-slash-porno-video-rental shop across the way. In their place was a jagged landscape of dark rocks, obsidian spikes poking up through gray-green bedrock like spears.

  “Oh,” said Jason, not betraying much surprise. “So the question isn’t where the dragon came from, it’s where have we gone.”

  “What?” Gil said. “We haven’t gone anywhere. We’re here in Apollo’s.”

  “Which has apparently been transported to the top of Mount Doom.” Lisa opened the front door, making the bell jingle and eliciting another mutual gasp.

  “Lisa!” Evan said. “Careful.”

  “It’s just rocks.” Lisa poked them with her foot, then stepped outside. “Seems normal enough. Except for not being normal at all.”

  “What the fuck?” said Evan. When that failed to produce any answers, he said it again. “What the fuck?”

  “Thank you for that,” Danny said. “Okay, I take it nobody has any idea how this happened? Nobody ran over any old gypsy women—”

  “Roma,” Lisa said, “you should say Roma, and—”

  “—Roma women, thank you for that, or made any deals with the devil or saw a flying saucer or anything like that?”

  Gil and Jason shook their heads. Evan shrugged. I said, “Nothing magic here. Unless you count—”

  My eyes locked on Danny’s, and we finished together, “—the magic beans!”

  A few moments later, all seven of us were crowded uncomfortably into a kitchen meant for three at most. Danny had a small clear space in front of the new coffee monstrosity, where she was examining one of the canisters of beans.

  “They delivered them with the machine,” she said. “There was a note saying we were getting this as a free trial or something.”

  There were six of the little cans left. Danny shook one and shrugged.

  “Sounds like coffee beans to me.” She tore it open and sniffed. “Smells like them too.”

  “Okay,” Gil said. “So maybe it’s the machine that’s magic.”

  “A magic coffee machine that transported the shop to another planet?” Evan said.

  “Do you have any better ideas?” Jason said.

  “One way to find out.” Danny dumped the container of beans into the hopper and threw the big switch. The machine churned and gurgled into motion, bubbling and whirring. “Someone go check if anything changed.”

  Lisa darted out of the room. “Nope!” her voice came back, a moment later. “Still Mount Doom.”

  “It might take a while,” I offered. “Maybe it only happens when the coffee is ready. Not that it produced any last time.”

  There was general muttering to the effect that this made sense, as much as anything made sense anymore. We drifted back into the front room, leaving Danny to watch the progress of the magic coffeemaker. I went back over to the sleeping dragon and found Anna standing beside it.

  “There’s something stuck in its leg,” she said. “See that black thing? It looks like the hilt of a sword.”

  She was right. I’d noticed the dragon had a bit of a limp.

  “Think I should pull it out?” I said.

  “It could be one of those thorn-from-a-lion’s-paw things,” she said.

  “Or it could wake up and try to kill us again.”

  “Tell you what,” she said. “You pull it out, and I’ll be ready with another bag of coffee.”

  “Okay.”

  I watched the dragon for a while, but it gave no sign of moving. The hilt of the sword fit neatly into my hand, and I gave it a tug, expecting resistance. To my surprise, the blade slid free as neatly as if I were drawing it from a scabbard. I pulled it all the way out, and black blood bubbled briefly in the wound, then scabbed over like cooling lava.

  The dragon’s head came up, and it blinked at me blearily. I backed away. “Anna?”

  “Here you go!” she said, off to one side. “Here, boy!”

  The dragon turned, and at the sight of her hefting another bag of coffee rolled ponderously back onto its feet, eyes locked on the sack of beans. It was for all the world like a dog watching someone holding a slice of bacon.

  “You . . . uh . . . should probably throw that,” I said, as the dragon took a step closer.

  Anna mimed throwing it toward the door, and the dragon’s head followed the gesture before snapping back to her. She did it again and again.

  “Okay!” she said. “You ready? Go get it!”

  She threw the bag, which sailed out the door with the dragon in hot pursuit. The coffee hit the hard ground and bounced, and the dragon was on it a few moments later, giving the bag a shake and then swallowing it whole. It snorted, blowing out a brief gout of flame, and then wandered off somewhat tipsily into the rocks.

  “That worked better than I expected,” Anna said.

  “Yeah.” I looked down at the sword. “So what do you think—magic sword?”

  “Magic sword,” she agreed.

  It looked like a magic sword, long and elegant, with a single fuller running nearly the full length of the blade. Sparkles of blue-white light cascaded along its length whenever I moved it, making a crackling noise down at the edge of hearing.

  I sighted carefully and swung it down at a nearby chair. The blade passed through it with no resistance at all, and the two halves fell away with a clatter.

  “Right,” I said. “Let’s be very careful with this.”

  From the kitchen came a sigh of frustration. I set the sword on a table, gently, and went to see what was the matter.

  “It’s not working,” Danny said, when we’d all gathered again
. “Look, it’s making coffee.”

  The pot under the magic coffeemaker was indeed filling up as a stream of brown liquid drooled from the spout.

  “Isn’t that what it’s supposed to do?” Gil said.

  “It didn’t make any the first time,” Danny said. “When it brought us to . . . wherever we are. Nothing came out but a little bit of smoke.”

  “Is there a dial or something?” Evan said. “Like on the side. A switch that says ‘Make Coffee/Time Machine’?”

  “It’s not a time machine,” Lisa said. “Because there wouldn’t be dragons if we went back in time.”

  “I found a magic sword,” I said, to no one in particular. When that failed to produce any praise, I added, “And Anna got rid of the dragon.”

  “I kind of liked the dragon,” Gil said. “I was going to name him Carl.”

  “If we can focus for a moment,” Danny said, “I would like to figure out a way off of Mount Doom. Which means getting this thing to work properly and not just make coffee.”

  “Have you tried kicking it?” Evan said.

  Danny rolled her eyes. Jason cleared his throat.

  “When you turned it on the first time, did you do anything else? Chant any spells or anything?”

  “You said ‘It’s alive!’” I said. “And then . . .” I paused.

  “And then what?” said Lisa.

  “Maybe it’s curry that was magic?” I said. “Magic curry. I mean, it could happen. Makes as much sense as magic beans.”

  “Don’t change the subject,” Lisa said. “What happened—”

  “We had sex,” Danny said irritably.

  “What?” Evan said. “Here on the table?”

  “No,” I said, “in the sex closet.”

  “Apollo’s has a sex closet?” Gil said. “How did I not know this?”

  “It’s not a sex closet!” Danny said.

  “More of a sex alcove, then, or—” Gil persisted.

  “It’s just a closet,” Danny grated. “That one over there. With the kitten calendar.”

  “So you had sex,” Lisa said. “While the coffee was brewing.”

  “And it transported us to another planet,” Evan said.

  “More like another universe,” Lisa said, “because of all the magic.”

  “Not to mention that the electricity still works,” Anna said. “Does anyone else think that’s weird?”

  We all agreed that it was very weird.

  “Oh!” Lisa said. “I just thought of something. I’ll be right back.”

  She rushed out of the kitchen. The six of us looked at one another, except for Anna, who looked down at her shoes.

  “It seems obvious to me,” Evan said. “Danny and Bri just have to get back into the sex closet and do the nasty while we brew another load. That should kick the magic coffeemaker into gear.”

  “No,” Danny said.

  “What do you mean, ‘No’?” Evan said. “This could be our only way to get home!”

  “First of all, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard—”

  Gil coughed. “I have to admit, Danny, that once you’ve accepted a magic coffeemaker that transports you to other worlds, having it be powered by a sex closet isn’t that much more of a stretch.”

  “—and second,” Danny went on through gritted teeth, “Brian and I are officially broken up. So I will not be getting back in the closet with him. And it is not a sex closet.”

  “Broken up?” Gil said. “When did this happen?”

  “This evening. Morning. Whatever,” I said.

  “We can talk about it later,” Danny said.

  Lisa came back into the kitchen, carrying her iPad. “The internet still works! I am totally live-tweeting this from here on out, you’ve all been warned.”

  “Too bad you didn’t get a picture of the dragon,” Gil said.

  “Yeah!” Lisa looked around. “Did I miss anything?”

  “It looks like the magic coffeemaker is sex-powered,” Gil said.

  “Really?”

  “No,” Danny said. “Not really. Because that is absurd.”

  “It’s worth a try,” Evan said.

  “Does it have to be Danny and Brian?” Jason said. “If it’s just feeding on the sexual . . . energy, or whatever, then maybe it can be anyone.”

  “I volunteer,” Evan said immediately, “in the name of Science.”

  He raised his eyebrow in Danny’s direction, and she rolled her eyes again and crossed her arms.

  “Well,” Gil said, after a moment of awkward silence. “Given that Jason and I appear to be the only official couple at this happy gathering, I suppose the experiment falls to us.”

  “I’m against it,” Evan said. “What if gay sex makes it explode or something?”

  “Then it has that in common with the brains of some of my relatives,” Gil said. “But I still think it’s worth a shot.”

  “Is it finished brewing?” I said.

  Danny looked the machine over and nodded. “Looks like. The switch flips back up when it’s done.”

  “In that case,” Gil said, “open up another can of beans.” He took Jason’s hand, and Jason blushed under his beard. “And we will do our best.”

  After Gil and Jason were shut in the sex closet and the machine was brewing again, the rest of us retreated to the front room. I showed Lisa, Danny, and Evan the magic sword; Lisa was excited to take pictures for her Twitter, while Danny grumbled that I shouldn’t have gone around slicing up perfectly good furniture. After that we sat around for a while, in silence.

  A thump came from the direction of the kitchen and the closet, and a grunt.

  “Oooookay,” Evan said, shifting awkwardly. “So. How about that local sporting squadron?”

  Anna looked at him quizzically, and Lisa and Danny just ignored him. I gave a weak chuckle, but couldn’t come up with a follow-on.

  “All right,” Evan said. “So Danny, why did you break up with Brian?”

  “Excuse me,” I said, “is that really a subject we ought to be going over in public?”

  “I’m just making conversation, man.”

  “Make it about something else!”

  “I broke up with Brian,” Danny said, “because he doesn’t know how to think more than three months into the future.”

  “Come on,” I said, “that’s unfair. Just because I don’t know what I’m going to do after graduation—”

  “I don’t intend to argue about it,” Danny said.

  “But I still don’t understand what—”

  She got up and walked back toward the counter. Evan gave me a look that said, “Girls, eh?” Lisa frowned at something on her iPad.

  Anna, by the door, said, “Hey! I think something’s happening!”

  We all looked around. Mount Doom was disappearing, fading away into a kind of gray-green static, like a broken TV seen through colored glass. The four of us stared, fascinated, as the static grew and peaked in total silence, then gradually faded away again. It left behind a wall of swirling white mist, so thick the overhead lights only penetrated a few feet.

  After a few moments passed and nothing further occurred, I said, “Whatever was going to happen, I think that was it.”

  “Did it work?” Danny said, from the kitchen. “The coffeemaker didn’t produce any coffee.”

  “I think so,” Lisa called back. “Now we’ve got mist instead of black rocks.”

  “That sounds like a real improvement,” Danny said, emerging behind the counter.

  I had to admit, as brave new worlds went, I’d seen more interesting ones. Tendrils of mist were coming in through the open door and the broken window, tentatively probing the tables and chairs. As hard as I stared, no solid shapes resolved through the silvery curtain of fog.

  “Well,” Danny said, after watching the hypnotic swirling for a while. “Now what?”

  “Wherever this is, it isn’t home,” Evan said.

  “Unless it just relocated us somewhere re
ally foggy,” Lisa said. “We could be in Florida or something.”

  “I’ve been to Florida,” I said, “and I’ve never seen anything like this.”

  “So it’s the Planet of Mists instead of the Planet of Dragons,” Danny said. “Doesn’t matter. What do we do now?”

  “Try again?” Evan said. “There’s plenty of beans left.”

  “I think Gil and Jason may need a bit of a rest,” Anna said.

  “I think we should go out and look around,” Lisa said. “Florida’s a big place. We’d feel really stupid if we turned out to be half a mile from an I-95 rest stop.”

  “I think I speak for everyone when I say there’s no way in hell I’m going out there,” Evan said.

  “You don’t speak for me,” Lisa said. “I’ll go. Even if this is some alien planet, I’d like to actually see it before we leave.”

  “Come on,” Evan said. “You have no idea what’s out there! It could be more dragons, or . . . something awful.”

  “I’ll take a bag of coffee. That’s all Brian had.”

  “Brian’s a brave idiot,” Evan said.

  “Thank you,” I muttered.

  “And you’re not going outside,” he continued. “That’s final.”

  “You don’t get to tell me what to do,” Lisa said.

  “You’re my sister,” Evan snapped. “Mom and Dad—”

  “Lisa’s right,” Danny interrupted. “We ought to have a look around.”

  “That doesn’t mean it has to be her!” Evan said.

  “Are you volunteering?”

  Evan looked to me for support. I looked at Danny, then shrugged.

  “She shouldn’t go alone, anyway,” Evan said. “Maybe Brian—”

  “I’ll go with her,” Danny said.

  “Wait,” I said. “Hang on. Maybe I should go. What if you run into something nasty?”

  “What makes you think you would be more helpful?” Danny said. “Besides, I’ll take the magic sword.”

  She lifted the blade from where I’d left it on a table. It crackled faintly.

  “Be careful with that,” I said weakly. “You could cut your own arm off.”

  “Awesome,” Lisa said. “Can I have a try with it?”

  “We’ll see.”

  Danny swung the blade, carefully, and took a deep breath. She met my eyes, and for a moment her mask cracked. She was scared, though she wouldn’t have admitted it under torture. My heart lurched.