by Sophia Duane
As I stared up at my ceiling, what I had to do smacked down on me like a ton of bricks.
I had to final y talk to Olivia.
Olivia wasn’t in school the next day. Or the day after that. She must have been sick again. I went to her house to see her, but her grandmother wouldn’t let me in. “Olivia needs rest, not visitors.”
It was Friday when she came back to school. Aaron didn’t talk to her. He didn’t look at her. In fact, he spent most of Current Events leaning back on Maya’s desk, laughing and carrying on as if he hadn’t spent the past three months attached to Olivia. Mr. Bel man had to stop class twice to address Aaron’s obvious disregard for the lesson and the classroom code of conduct.
It’d been long weeks since I al owed myself to real y look at her and to actively think about her. She must’ve been real y sick after standing outside arguing with Aaron. Her hair seemed too dark today. It was pul ed back into a ponytail, but it was a mess—not neat like she usual y wore it.
Maybe it wasn’t her hair that was too dark. Maybe it was her complexion that was too light. Yes, that was it. Her coloring was off.
She watched Aaron make an ass out of himself the entire period. I thought maybe she’d dart out of the chair once the bel rang to avoid him, but she didn’t. She sat in her chair until almost everyone left. As I was putting my notebook away as slowly as possible, I debated if I should walk to her next class with her.
Olivia sluggishly rose from her chair and hoisted her bag onto her shoulder. If she turned around, I’d wave at her and throw her a comforting look.
But she didn’t. She took measured steps to Mr. Bel man’s desk. Before I left, I could just make out their quiet conversation about homework she had to complete because of her absence.
I didn’t see her at lunch. It was probably a good thing she didn’t come to the cafeteria. Aaron was hanging al over Kel y Volk for half the period and then literal y chasing after Maya before the bel rang. I didn’t know what happened between them, but if my brother’s actions were any indication, it was something big. There were times in the past that he’d acted like this—like an idiot male—after relationships ended, but it wasn’t this exaggerated. It was like he wanted to hurt Olivia.
No matter how different he was from me, my brother wasn’t usual y this much of a jerk. I didn’t know why he would want to hurt Olivia. She was the nicest girl he’d ever dated.
Olivia didn’t work Friday night, but I did. My mind was on her. So much of my time since meeting Olivia was spent thinking about how badly I wanted to be her boyfriend, or how much I hated that she was dating my brother. But tonight, I was genuinely worried for her. She looked so sick today and Aaron was being such an ass. I ran through list after list of things that could’ve possibly happened between them, but nothing I came up with would justify my brother’s cruelty.
Wel , I didn’t know if she was real y sad or if she was just sick. I was going to find out, though. The decision not to be her friend was the wrong one and I wanted to make it up. I didn’t care anymore if she liked me the way I liked her.
As usual, I made breakfast for my family on Saturday. My dad had worked a bit of overtime, so it was after ten in the morning when we al sat down at the table. Although my dad and I had never been incredibly close, there were a lot of things I admired about him. One of those things was the way he could just look at either me or my brother and just know something was going on. It could’ve been that he’d been in our shoes once or it could have been a complicated mind reading ability. But whatever it was, he did it again.
“You boys are too quiet.”
He looked to Aaron first, but then to me. I shrugged. I was usual y quiet.
“Where’s Olivia been lately?”
When Aaron didn’t respond, he turned back to me, obviously hoping that I knew and would share what was going on with my twin. “I think they broke up.”
To my brother, my dad asked, “What was wrong with her?” The way he asked it left no mystery about how he felt about my brother’s love life. He obviously disapproved of how many girls he went through. Maybe he real y liked Olivia, too.
“Nothing was wrong with her. I just don’t want to be with her anymore. Maya’s cuter, anyway.” I snorted as I shook my head. My brother was an ass.
“Shut up, Adam.”
I looked up from my pancakes and faced him. His angry glare was a chal enge. “You shut up, Aaron. Olivia’s a good person and she’s definitely prettier than Maya Conway.”
Aaron let out an irritated breath as he dropped his fork onto his plate. It landed with a loud clank. “You think every girl’s pretty. And just because you’re a little puppy—”
Just then the doorbel rang. I was grateful for the break in conversation. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my Saturday, and I didn’t think I wanted to hear exactly what he thought of me again. Aaron was a very external person. When he was upset, he let everyone know it. Throughout our lives, he’d say stupid comment after stupid comment, just to get the intense feeling or emotion out. I knew most of what he said he didn’t mean, but I also knew there was truth behind every offhanded statement he made.
We sat there glaring at each other, forcing my father to be the one to get up and open the door. A moment passed. Then Dad said. “Aaron. You have a visitor.”
We both looked up and saw Olivia standing next to my father. She was stil pale, but her eyes were a little brighter today. She gave me a smal smile, but then turned her entire focus onto Aaron. “Can we talk for a minute?”
My brother’s response was less than polite. I could tel just by the set of his shoulders that he had little interest in talking to her, but then he looked at Dad’s expression and it left no doubt that Aaron would be talking to Olivia.
My brother stood, his chair scraping against the linoleum floor, and he strode past Olivia as if she wasn’t even there. She fol owed him. As my dad sat back down, I could hear her soft voice coming from the foyer. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear any of their conversation, but I didn’t have any choice.
The only thing I could make out was Olivia asking, “Why did you do that?”
Then she asked, “Why didn’t you just break up with me before you messed around with her?” My fingers tightened around my fork the picture of what Aaron had done completed itself in my mind. I heard the door slam, then Aaron cursing in the foyer. Dad got up, calmly took his plate to the sink, and then moved out to the foyer. Another thing I admired about my father was that he knew how to handle situations delicately. I could hear him talking to Aaron. He wasn’t using kid gloves, but he wasn’t outright yel ing at him either.
As Aaron raised his voice in responded, “I don’t want to talk about it,” to whatever my father said, my thoughts were on Olivia and what she must be going through. I didn’t give a damn about Aaron. As far as I was concerned right now, he was scum. I cleaned up the table—leaving Aaron’s plate for him to clean up himself. By the time the kitchen was clean again, Dad and Aaron had moved into the front room. On my way to the stairs, I peered inside and saw Dad pacing while Aaron stood stock-stil , arms crossed over his chest, annoyed expression on his face.
I wanted to punch him.
But I didn’t. I took the stairs up to my room two-by-two and shut my bedroom door behind me. Once at the window, I looked over to Olivia’s bedroom window. The curtains were parted and I could just see the top of her head. She must have been sitting on her bed. I didn’t even think about my next action. I went to my bedside table and picked up my phone.
Are you okay? I texted her as I stood back in my window.
It took a moment, but I got a text back. Fantastic.
It was hard to impart sarcasm into a text—especial y a one-word text—but she managed to do it. Come to the window. Again, it took a moment, but then she appeared. The distance made it hard to see the details of her face, but I didn’t need to see them to know she wasn’t feeling fantastic.
What now? she asked. I could see by the set of
her shoulders and hips she was upset.
My fingers moved fast on the keys. Can I come over?
When I looked up, Olivia was gone from the window. The curtains weren’t closed, but they were swaying as if threatening to close me out of her world. I sighed and tossed the phone on my bed. I wasn’t sure how to feel about anything anymore.
Before my mood had sunk completely, my phone beeped. Yes.
Now that I had her permission, I felt unprepared. Looking down, I was stil in my night clothes, and I hadn’t showered or even brushed my teeth. I didn’t want to waste time, so I skipped the shower but I cleaned up a bit and brushed my teeth. After I was dressed, I looked at myself in the mirror. I could’ve looked nicer, but this would have to do. I reminded myself that I wasn’t going over there to impress her. I was going over there to let her know I was concerned for her.
I pul ed on my shoes and coat then darted across the street. Mr. Cartwright opened the door. His quiet stare unnerved me, but seeing Olivia was more important than my nervousness.
When I asked if I could come in, he hesitated but then he moved out of the way. I dried my feet on the rug, kicked my shoes off and took the stairs up to her room. I knocked softly and waited.
When the door opened, Olivia cocked her head to the side and rol ed her eyes. “I swear I’m not usual y this stupid.” I furrowed my brow as I entered the room. “What do you mean? I don’t think you’re stupid.” Olivia looked up at the ceiling and shook her head. Slow tears rol ed down her cheeks. Damn, she was crying. I felt so bad—as if I was the one who’d hurt her.
She wiped her eyes with her bal ed hands and then looked at me. “It’s so stupid. I’m sorry. I’m not usual y like this. Especial y over a boy.” I knew this wasn’t like her. That was why I was so concerned. “Were you out of school because of Aaron?”
“Oh, God,” she said, flopping down onto her bed and covering her eyes with her arm. “That’s what it looks like. That’s what everyone thinks, isn’t it?” She sat up, legs folded, and swiped her nose with the back of her hand. “I was sick. Really sick, not just stupid-girl-who-got-dumped sick.”
“Stop saying you’re stupid,” I said as I took a seat next to her.
“Fine. I’m an idiot.”
I real y didn’t like that she was putting herself down. She was usual y so upbeat. I’d never heard her be so negative before. “You’re an idiot?
Why?” She gave me a look like I was stupid. “Because you took a chance on someone you liked? It’s not who you are to think you’re stupid because you opened yourself up, Liv.”
“I know. See? I’m being an idiot.”
“Oh, stop it,” I said, keeping my voice light as I nudged her shoulder with mine. “So you and Aaron didn’t work out. It’s not like it’s a death sentence.”
Olivia studied me with a strange expression on her face. “I know,” she said after a moment. “I just . . .” She blew out a long breath and mumbled something, but I couldn’t make it al out. It sounded like she said, “I took a chance on the wrong twin,” but perhaps that was just my mind projecting.
Her shoulders dropped and final y she seemed a little better.
“You’re way too good for him anyway.” At my words, she shook her head. “You can’t tel me you honestly thought he was worthy of you.”
“I did for a second.” She took a deep breath and stood up. She walked over to the window. Olivia was already a thin girl, but it looked like she’d lost weight in the few short days since Valentine’s. I wondered when she’d return to the radiantly beautiful girl I knew. I worried what Aaron might have said to her. He could be incredibly cruel when he wanted to be.
“I never thought he was good enough for you. You’re such a beautiful soul,” I said, not knowing why I chose that terminology. “And he was bound to take you for granted. I hope you know that none of this was your fault. He has a way of going through girls like—”
“Wait,” she said. “Is this supposed to make me feel better?”
Instantly, I regretted what I’d said. I got up, nervously ran my hand down my face and then said, “Yes. I’m sorry. I’m not good at this. I just—”
“You’re a good friend.”
Was she kidding? “Liv, I haven’t talked to you in months, how is that being a good friend?” Olivia took a step closer to me. “I know why we stopped talking. It made me sad, but I understood.”
“I wish you weren’t sad.”
She shrugged and turned back to the window. An annoyed sound came from her, so I took a step closer. Aaron was in my room, looking at her.
Olivia closed the curtains and faced me again. “I wish I wasn’t sad either, but in my heart I know that in order to real y know happiness, I have to experience sadness. I’l be fine.”
Olivia always stumped me. What she said made sense, but I probably would’ve wal owed in depression for a lot longer.
We stood there—just looking at each other. It was the most intimate interaction we’d had since she’d started dating my brother. To be honest, it was probably the most intimate interaction I’d ever had with anyone, and al we were doing was staring at each other.
“I know it sounds stupid, but I mean, I thought he loved me.”
“Who did he cheat with?”
“Maya Conway,” she replied. Her voice didn’t hold the edge of hate that I would have expected. I hated this, so how could her voice be so neutral?
“You’re not stupid. He’s an idiot. Like a total fool. I’m sorry he treated you like you didn’t matter, because you do.” I glanced down at my feet and then back up to her. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
“I know you look like him and al , but I’d rather hear him say it.” Olivia paused. “I know he won’t, though.” I stayed in Olivia’s room for another hour. We barely spoke but we just hung out quietly. When I returned home, Aaron glared at me from the moment I entered the house, al the way to the kitchen, up the stairs, and didn’t stop until I shut the door in his face. It could have been worse. I was sure he hated that I’d been at his now ex-girlfriend’s house, but I didn’t care. If I hadn’t shut the door when I did, I thought I might’ve hit him.
I avoided him at al costs for the rest of the day. It wasn’t until I overheard him on the phone Sunday afternoon that I couldn’t let it go any longer.
He was talking about how, when they were messing around, she wouldn’t take her shirt off, and that’s why he cheated. As soon as he hung up, I was in his face—a move that was very much outside of the norm for me.
“Why are you being such an ass about this?”
Aaron’s face was steel as he leaned back and turned his head. “Mind your own business, Adam.”
“My own business?” I said, my voice a higher pitch than usual. “You knew I liked her, but you dated her anyway. You probably had sex with her, and now you’re saying it’s her fault you screwed around on her!”
“That’s not—”
From somewhere deep inside, the rage I’d felt for my twin brother came bubbling out. But it wasn’t just from his most recent bout of immature and cruel behavior. This was something deeper, stemming from every moment of my life when I was compared to him—either by others or by myself. This was something much stronger. Something I couldn’t stop.
I grabbed a hold of his shirt. His shocked expression both amused and frightened me. What I was doing wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. And yet, it was satisfying.
“You’re such a bad person, Aaron. For al the girls you—”
Not surprisingly, my brother didn’t let me have the upper hand for long. He grabbed the col ar of my shirt and suddenly we were in a shoving match. I ended up with my back to the living room wal . My knee was throbbing because I’d hit it on the end table. The lamp was on the floor and the telephone was off the hook.
“You know shit about it!” Aaron yel ed.
I pushed him back, breaking his hold on my shirt. Seizing the opportunity, I moved away from the wal and stalked toward him. He took a s
tep back, looking behind him to see what he might trip over. “I don’t have to know the details to understand you cheated on her.” When I was close enough, I pushed against his chest, sending him backward. He bumped into the bookshelf, knocking pictures off and onto the floor.
I stood stil , fisted hands at my sides. The shock of me standing up to him had worn off, and now he was just pissed. “Wel maybe if you’d had the bal s to actual y ask her out, none of this would have happened!”
“Shut—” That’s when his fist connected with the side of my head. I fel to the floor, stunned for a second. Had my brother actual y punched me?
Had he felt so passionate about the situation that he hit me?
We’d been in arguments before. We’d had moments where our opposing views had caused physical responses, but not since we were younger. And even then, we’d never punched each other.
My ear was ringing. The pain was pretty intense, it took me a few seconds, but when I was able to stand, I positioned myself right in front of him.
Something in his expression shifted. The crease in his forehead had released. His jaw wasn’t clenched as tight, and his eyes softened. “Adam, I’m—”
I did what I’d never done before. I hurled my closed hand toward his face. I was surprised when it connected with his cheekbone. But even more surprising was the pain I felt. I backed away, shaking my hand out and put it between my thighs as if the pressure would help it.
“God damn it!”
I looked up in time to see my brother stomping toward me, one hand over the left side of his face, the other raised and fisted. I prepared myself to get hit again, but from out of nowhere, Dad came between us.
“That’s enough.” He didn’t have to yel . Just the power of his voice sent Aaron back. He leaned against the bookshelf, body bent as he cradled his face. “He started it,” Aaron said, pointing to me.
Yes. I started it, and I’d do it again. “He’s a prick!”
When I looked into the face of my father, I felt paralyzed by his gaze. I stood up straight, keeping my hand close to my body. “What he did wasn’t right, Dad. He can’t keep getting away with being like this!”