by Sophia Duane
“So they replaced my leaky one with the donated valve. In some people it could last twenty years, but not for me. I guess young people don’t fare as wel with them.”
The way she said it set me over the edge. I was already on edge to begin with, but now it sounded like she . . . like she was saying there was something real y wrong with her heart again. I felt sick and spun out. The threat of something ruining Olivia seemed too much to bear. “Your grandmother wants you to have another surgery?” I asked when I final y pieced it al together.
“It’s cal ed a Ross procedure. I don’t want to have it.”
I felt the bed depress next to me, so I tilted my head and looked at my beautiful girlfriend. “What is it?”
“They’l remove my pulmonary valve and replace the aortic homograft with it. Then they have to replace the pulmonary valve. It’s a long surgery, and basical y the whole thing might leak anyway. I don’t want it done.”
I stood up and said, “But you have to.” Olivia looked away. “That’s why she doesn’t want you to dance, right?” She nodded. “So that whole thing after the concert was—” I couldn’t finish. I was hyperventilating, so I turned around and attempted to compose myself. When I’d calmed I said, “So you could’ve died that night or something?”
“No,” she said, but I could tel she was lying. “I’m not going to live my life in fear of dying, Adam. If I want to dance, I’m going to dance. What’s the point of living if I can’t do anything?”
“Because you’l be able to share your life with people who love you. I would never—”
“But it’s not your life!” she yel ed. “It’s mine! It’s my life, and I’m tired of having surgeries that can’t fix what’s wrong.” The anger drained from her face, and I was left looking at an emotional y honest version of my girlfriend. It was in this moment that I could see how tired she real y was.
I sat down next to her on the bed, laid my hand on her thigh, and took a deep breath. Maybe I could stil convince her to give it another shot. “I don’t want you to die. If a surgery can help . . .”
Covering my hand with her own, she said, “My life wil be over when it’s over. Einstein and countless quantum physicists have proven that energy never goes away, it just transforms. I’m not scared of that.”
With those few words, I realized why she liked science so much. She studied it to make sense of death. She liked books on metaphysics because she was trying to understand what happened to the spirit after the body died. I’d thought it was to gain peace about her mother’s death, but real y it was to come to terms with her own eventual end.
“What is the chance of a semi-healthy life without the surgery? You know, like with a modified lifestyle?” I asked.
Olivia shrugged then leaned into me. “No one wil tel me, but I make my own existence, Ad. Maybe I’l live forever and the doctors wil write whole books about me.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and rested my head down on hers. “I like that version.” Instead of just wal owing in the heaviness of the situation, we watched television. Some medical drama in reruns was on, but she changed channels quickly. For the rest of the day, we watched funny movies and television shows. She was even more gorgeous when she laughed. Her grandmother hol ered up the stairs a few times, and we emerged for bathroom breaks and food, but other than that, we were alone in our own world.
We were lounging on her bed, and she was laughing about something a character said in a teen comedy from the 1980s. I stared at her. She was absolutely beautiful, but more than that, there was something deeper I recognized within her.
“What?” she asked with a laugh.
I shook my head, a bit embarrassed, “You always look like you know the secret of life.”
“That’s because I do.”
“What is it? Or can’t you tel me?” I said as I pinched her stomach.
“Of course I can tel you.” She leaned up, bracing her weight on her elbow. “The secret of life is: Live.” Wel , that wasn’t what I’d expected. “Live?”
“Yeah. Live life. Do you know how many people sit around watching life go by? I decided a long time ago to do the things that brought me joy. I dance, even though everyone tel s me I shouldn’t. I watch comedies instead of dramas. I kiss cute boys named Adam,” she said. I accepted the little kiss she gave me as she leaned down to me. “And I don’t waste precious moments worrying about the past or the future.”
“Live,” I said. Then, “Liv.”
I knew she didn’t understand the connection I’d just made. Olivia’s philosophy was Olivia herself. Liv believed the secret of life was to live.
“You’re awesome.”
“I know,” she said flippantly, then moved closer to me. “But so are you.”
I kissed her. Her grandparents were downstairs, her door was closed, and it was warm in her room. There was nothing stopping us from moving forward. As my tongue touched hers, I slipped my hand under her shirt. This time she let me.
After, as we lay in her bed, my body feeling like it never had before, she brushed back the dampened hair from my forehead. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking about how much I love you.”
“Real y? Because of what we just did or—”
“I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you over here dancing.” I hated that she asked it. Rising up over her, I looked deeply into her eyes, hoping that our souls would connect, and she would truly feel what I felt for her.
She kissed me. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you know about my heart. I just didn’t want you to treat me like some kind of breakable porcelain dol , you know?”
I did know. I understood. After one more kiss, I left her bed. When I was dressed, I asked, “Are you okay?”
“Perfect.”
“I’m only leaving because I think your grandpa’s gonna come exploring soon, and I’m pretty sure he can kick my ass.”
“It’s cool. I’l see you tomorrow?”
“Absolutely.”
When I was almost out of her door, she cal ed my name. I turned back around and found her sitting up, the sheet clutched to her chest. “I love you, too.”
There was nothing in the world that could break the happiness her words created.
I felt like I was soaring on Monday morning. Sunday, despite knowing that Olivia had something seriously wrong with her heart, had been the best day of my life. Maybe that was ridiculous. But Olivia seemed to think she was okay. I felt like I had to trust her. She’d been living with this al her life.
I’d Googled everything she’d told me when I’d gotten home. I believed she was right. There were quite a few case studies where the homograft valve replacement lasted fifty years or more. Many of those patients had a little bit of a leak again, but nothing life threatening. I would just encourage her to modify her lifestyle, and not let her go crazy and dance al night like she did at the concert.
Honestly, when I got into her car Monday morning, I wasn’t thinking about her physical heart at al . I was thinking about the metaphorical heart, the one that held the love for me. I couldn’t stop looking at her as she drove us to school. Me looking at her made her giggle, her giggle made me blush, my blush made Olivia bite her lower lip as she grinned, and that just made me feel warm and loved.
Al in al , the ride to school was fantastic.
We got there a bit early, but instead of heading inside, we sat in her car and held hands. It was something out of a cheesy romantic movie –
something I’d never experienced before, but I liked getting caught up in it. I could stare at her al day.
My good mood was put to the test when I saw Casey at lunch. We usual y walked the hal s together, but that was before Olivia was my girlfriend. I didn’t even see him today until I was in the lunch line next to him. Olivia was talking to Jasmine Brown over at the salad bar. I was torn between watching her and talking to Casey. I decided to nudge my best friend with my shoulder and say, “Hey.” He turned around. His expre
ssion was not his usual happy-go-lucky one. His lips were pursed, cheeks sunken, eyes wide and glaring.
“What’s wrong?”
He let out an irritated breath. “Seriously? ‘What’s wrong?’ ”
I figured he was angry enough. I didn’t want to say anything to make it worse, so I shut up and let him finish.
“You total y ditched practice on Saturday! I mean, you said you’d be there. We were waiting and waiting and waiting. You didn’t even answer your phone.” Casey’s voice held an edge I’d never heard from him before.
“I honestly don’t even remember my phone ringing,” I said. I felt horrible for missing practice, but Olivia was more important. “I’m sorry, Case.”
“Yeah, whatever.” He turned back around, and grabbed a chocolate pudding from the station in front of him.
“Look, something came up and—”
“Yeah, I know,” he said loudly. “Aaron answered your house phone and told me you were with Olivia. Good to know you’re choosing her over the band and your friends who’ve stuck by you for years.”
He was obviously riled up, but I didn’t like that he was putting this on Olivia. “Case—”
“It’s like she’s Yoko Ono or something!”
He wasn’t looking at me, so I let my food tray rest on the metal bars and pushed him slightly. When he turned his face to me he was furious.
“What the hel ’s the matter with you? I mean, I’m happy that you got a chick and al , but forgetting about your friends and your obligation to the band because of some girl is shitty, man. And if she was a great girlfriend, or whatever, she’d want you to spend time with us!” I shoved him again. It wasn’t hard, just enough to force him to take a step back. I was aware that we were in the middle of the cafeteria, but I couldn’t focus on the fact that tons of people were watching us fight.
“You can’t blame this on Olivia! She didn’t know we had practice, and she didn’t have anything to do with me missing it. The fact that our crappy little band sucks isn’t her fault.”
I realized I’d said something very wrong when his angry look shifted into a guarded expression of indifference. “Wel , geez. Don’t I feel stupid? I wasn’t aware that our crappy band sucked so much. Here I thought we were al working toward something. Stupid me.” He took his tray and pushed it toward the cashier, effectively cutting me off. I felt bad. I hadn’t meant to say anything negative about our band. It wasn’t that I thought we sucked, but we’d al be heading to col ege in a few months, so what was the point?
I placed a light hand on his shoulder. Casey whipped around and shoved me. It was much harder than I had shoved him before.
“You know what, Adam?” he said, not quite yel ing, but definitely loud enough for everyone to hear. “Go hang out with your girlfriend. We don’t need someone who doesn’t believe in the band or in us.”
Although I didn’t want to fight with him, the fact that everyone was staring at us and he was being derogatory about Olivia pushed me into being angry right back at him. It wasn’t my fault that Hannah Newsome didn’t like him and that Olivia did like me. “Where you gonna find another drummer, Casey?”
He shrugged, backing away from me. “Who cares? We’l set a new trend. No drums. Just bass, because who the hel needs a drummer who doesn’t give a shit about anyone other than himself?”
I took a step toward him, but I felt something on my forearm. Looking down, I saw Olivia’s hand. I trailed my eyes up from her hand, to her wrist, up her arm and shoulder, past her neck to her eyes. It was like an instant infusion of calm.
“Come on,” she said. She was holding her salad in one hand as she led me past al of the curious eyes over to a smal corner table. After a while, people turned their attention to other things.
“What was that about?” Olivia asked. Like she didn’t know Casey made the whole thing about her. Everyone in the cafeteria had heard how he blamed everything on my girlfriend.
I wasn’t sure I should tel her. She might take it the wrong way and accept the blame he was placing on her. On the other hand, I wanted to talk to someone about it. Casey and I had never fought like that in al of the years we’d been friends.
In the end, I pushed thoughts of Casey and the band to the side and focused on Olivia.
I didn’t get a chance to fight with Casey again because he seemed to avoid me at al costs after that day. It didn’t hurt as much as I’d have thought it would. I didn’t seem to miss band practice or interacting during WoW. The only thing I did miss was his actual presence. I missed seeing his face and hearing his laugh.
But Olivia fil ed the void and then some. We spend as much time together as possible. That was part of the reason I was dreading spring break so much. It was later than usual this year—the very last ful week of April instead of the beginning of the month. Spring break meant col ege visits. I didn’t even know which school I wanted to attend, but I was forced to go to at least one col ege. I didn’t want to be away from Olivia for that long.
It was the Saturday after Easter and Olivia and I were sitting at my dining room table. I was watching her peel a mango.
“Mangos are sexy,” she said conversational y.
I gave her a questioning look. I liked how she said the word “sexy.”
“Taste one and tel me they’re not.”
She handed it to me and I took a bite of it. It was sweet and somehow tasted a bit like pine. It was good, but I didn’t think it qualified as sexy.
She took another bite, and then I got it. She was right. Mangos were sexy. The juice was dripping down her chin. Yel owish lines were coursing their way down her forearm as she held the fruit. I wanted to lick it off of her skin. “So sexy.”
“So when do you leave?”
“The twenty-third.”
“For how long?” she asked and then held the mango out to me. I leaned over the table and took a bite of it as she held it.
“I’l be back the twenty-sixth,” I answered through a mouthful of mango.
“That’s not too long.”
“It’s long enough. I don’t even want to go to Duke.”
“Then why are you visiting it?” Olivia asked before moving to the center of the table and taking a bite.
I would’ve thought she’d have figured it out. “Aaron’s going there.”
With a tilt of her head, she leveled me with a look. Using just her pinky finger, she pul ed a stray lock of hair—moistened by the fruit juice—away from her face. “You do realize that high school is almost over, and you don’t have to go to the same col ege as Aaron. You can redefine yourself as anything. You can be anyone.”
“Maybe I won’t even go. I’l just be a free spirit like you.” It seemed logical since I didn’t want to leave her anyway.
“Nah,” she said with a shake of her head. “You’re meant to be a professor of something cool. Adam James, PhD.” I chuckled, “You think?”
“Total y.” Olivia stood and licked a line of juice. “By the way, your ass of a brother apologized yesterday.” I fol owed her out to the kitchen. “Real y?”
She nodded and threw the pit of the mango away then moved to the sink to wash up. Forgetting about Aaron, I took the opportunity to draw up close to her press myself to her back and wrap my hands around her waist.
“You’re sticky!” she said, turning around and pressing her wet hands to my chest. “Gross,” she said as she slipped out from between my arms.
“Get away.” Olivia darted through the kitchen, and into the living room.
I was close behind her. When we got to the living room, my arms encircled her waist again. Together, we flopped down onto the couch. I landed on top of her, careful y propping myself up on the arm of the couch. I didn’t want to crush her.
I loved being close to her like this, but when I looked down I noticed that she was pale. Immediately I sat up, pul ing her up with me. I cupped her face in my hands, pushing back her hair. She was struggling a bit for breath. “Olivia?” She shook her head, t
wisted her body so her feet were on the floor, and bent down, head between her legs. I placed a hand at the smal of her back.
What an idiot I was! She shouldn’t be doing things like running. I shouldn’t have grabbed her like that. I was supposed to be a good influence on her! “Livie, I’m sorry.”
She sat back up and leaned back into me. “I’m fine, Ad. Just got dizzy.”
“But you barely even ran. It was only a few feet and . . .” She didn’t need to be reminded of the frailty of her body. I pul ed her gently toward me, resting my head on the top of hers.
We sat in silence until she asked, “I’m waiting for you to ask me.”
“Ask you what?”
“To the Spring Fling.”
“But you’re not—”
“I’l dance if I want to,” she said. “And I don’t care if we dance, I want to go. If you do, that is.” It took less than a second for me to decide. “Of course. Do you think your grandparents wil let you go?”
“If you convince them that you’l make me be good,” she said.
“Wil you be good?” I asked. I needed convincing, too. If she danced like she did at the concert, things could get real y bad. She nodded. “I don’t believe you.”
Olivia held up her right hand and pasted a super-serious expression on her face. “I swear! I just want to get al dressed up and go somewhere with you.”
I had to admit, it sounded nice. I imagined her in a pretty dress, slow-dancing with me, her head on my chest. “Should we go out to dinner, too?” She crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. “Name a vegan restaurant in town.” I felt triumphant. I’d actual y done some research into this, and was excited to share the information. “The new Thai restaurant has a bunch of vegan options.”
Olivia, obviously feeling better, got up onto her knees. With her hands on my shoulders, she leaned in and kissed me. “It’s a date,” she whispered.