Lose You Not

by Kristie Cook

  Aw, fuck. No. Not yet.

  My whole body stiffened, every muscle tensing and locking, as though paralyzed. This couldn’t be happening. I needed more time. More time to get my shit together. To get Tase’s shit together. That motherfucker. I knew he’d ruin everything. I turned back toward the steering wheel and gripped it tightly until the metal began to soften and I had to let go.

  “Xandru.” Michaela took my hand between hers and brought it to her lap. “Look at me.”

  I inhaled deeply before turning to face her again. The only person I could say without a doubt I’d ever loved completely.

  Wholeheartedly.

  The only person who’d broken my heart before and could do so again.

  “I owe you a date, right?” she asked.

  “What?” I asked with bewilderment.

  “We never went on our date. I owe you.”

  “Oh. Uh … I’m pretty sure I owe you. A lot of them. Like a lifetime of them.” Shouldn’t have said that. Don’t pressure her, Xandru. Take it easy, dumbass! She wants to fucking talk.

  “I think the last one didn’t happen because of me … or because of my life, anyway,” she insisted. “The Day of the Goo? I can’t believe that was like two months ago …”

  She trailed off, blushing.

  I gave her a small smile, all I could muster, because my mind raced and my heart pounded. She could surely hear it. She was all over the place tonight, talking about options and the future like she was leaving and then bringing up dates? Did she want one? With me? Damn it, I hated games. Why couldn’t we just say what was on our minds without fearing that we’d freak each other out?

  I blew out a harsh breath.

  “Michaela, will you go out on a date with me?” There. I did it. I sounded like a fourteen-year-old idiot, but I did it. Said what was on my mind. Sort of. It was a start. Because I didn’t want to fucking talk.

  She grinned. “I would love to. But—” She paused, drawing out that but, probably trying to kill me. I wouldn’t have to worry about a broken heart. She’d kill me first. “But, we have to promise each other—both of us—that we will make this date happen. No matter what. We need to—”

  I cut her off, not wanting to hear the stupid t-word again. “I promise. Saturday, you and me. Nobody else. A real date. I’ll pick you up at seven. Wear that sexy black dress again.”

  She laughed. “I can’t. I wore that on our first date.” She paused again before correcting herself. “Well, our new first date.”

  I chuckled. “It’s been over four months. I think this is a new-new first date. Wear it.”

  Her smile fell away again. “That’s depressing, isn’t it? Well, no promises on the dress, but I do promise back to you that I will go on a date with you this Saturday. No matter what, Xandru.”

  “No matter what, Kales.”

  Chapter 5

  Michaela

  Standing behind the front desk, I scrolled through the email, skimming over everything to ensure I didn’t miss something important, then checked the inn’s reservations one more time.

  “Okay, Mammie,” I said, “we’re all set. The last guest leaves on that Thursday, so no worries there. Our own arrangements are made, and we leave for Denver on the eighteenth. I can’t wait to see Sindi!”

  Madame Luiza wrung her hands, and a frown creased her forehead. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, Michaela. It’ll be so quiet here. Dead quiet.”

  I snickered at the pun. “Oh, Mammie, you’ll be fine. Surely you have better things to do than watch over our mundane lives. Maybe things to do in the other realm? People you know?”

  Her gray eyes brightened—if that was possible. “Yes, yes. Maybe I can find Maxwell in the other realm.”

  “There you go,” I encouraged, although the name was only vaguely familiar and I had no real idea of whom she spoke.

  I knew she’d tried to find my parents at one time, but, sadly, hadn’t been able to. Eloise Sinclair hadn’t been able to reach them, either. I’d gone to see the psychic scribe in her little shop on the square back in my “dark days” of March and April, when I’d first returned, hoping to be able to make some kind of connection with my parents. Eloise could communicate with the dead, channeling their spirits. Addie said there was nobody better.

  Eloise had frowned when she’d tried, though, her brow furrowing with concern.

  “I’m coming up against a wall of darkness.” She’d shuddered and shook her head. “It’s terrible. Frightening.”

  The fear in her voice had sent a chill down my spine, so I made her stop.

  “Why would that happen?” I’d asked her before I’d left, once both of our hearts had slowed.

  “I’m not sure. I knew your parents. I don’t know why they’d be surrounded by such darkness. I’m so sorry I can’t help you.”

  Part of me had wanted to ask her if we could try again another time, but I knew I couldn’t put her through that again. I didn’t really want to go through it myself. So I’d decided then it was best to leave the dead alone.

  I shuddered, bringing me back to the inn’s lobby and Mammie’s ghostly face staring at me, making me jump.

  “Sheesh, Mammie,” I muttered as I glanced down at the desk in front of me, reorienting myself.

  Oh, yeah. Denver.

  “Hey, Gabe,” I called to the parlor where my little brother sat hunched over the coffee table, “did you hear that? We’re leaving for Denver bright and early a week from Friday. Don’t save your packing for the last minute.”

  “Bright and early for you or for normal people?” he muttered.

  “Probably for me, funny guy, since I’ll be driving.”

  “Yeah, don’t let Aurelia. She’ll get us all killed.” He looked over at me with goggles pushed up on his head—the old-fashioned round kind like what motorcyclists used to wear, except these had several lenses that could be switched up and down, along with gears and levers—we couldn’t decide whether they were decoration or were somehow functional. “Kae, did you see this?”

  I crossed the lobby and joined him in the front parlor, sitting on the sofa that had been at its height of comfort and fashion at least ten years ago. I couldn’t wait until we started work on this unusual room, with its peculiar octagon shape that jutted out of the west corner of the inn. Graysin Ravenal, an interior designer and a friend, had sent me some design ideas that would brighten it up, which it seriously needed, with all of its dark wood paneling and trim.

  Gabe had spread out an array of items on the wooden coffee table, all things he’d found in the walls and under the floorboards during the renovations. Most was junk—a plastic army man, a cubic zirconia earring, a single tarnished cufflink, a mitten, and other long-forgotten items. He’d already found three small leather pouches that Mammie immediately had me confiscate and give to Addie, because they’d been hex bags once upon a time. Since we’d discovered the first one, Addie and Eloise took turns coming in and cleansing the inn on a regular basis with white sage smudge sticks. Out of all the junk, there were a few worthy, or at least interesting, items, such as the goggles.

  “Oh, this is cool,” I said, picking up a leather cuff that was too wide to be a bracelet, but looked almost like a protective brace. It was decorated with metal eyelets, buckles, and several gears that looked like they came out of an old-fashioned clock. A brushed nickel piece with scrolled edges lay across the top of the wrist, its center concave and quite plain compared to the rest of the piece. “It looks like something’s missing here.”

  “Yeah, Mammie says a timepiece probably went there. They used to wear stuff like that back in the olden days, when she and Mom and Dad first came here and built the inn. I found it under the floor in the conservatory. This, too.” He held up what he’d been inspecting earlier—a small dragon figurine made of metal hardware, wire, and more clock gears. “Mammie said the kids played with toys like this back then.”

  He lifted its tail, and we both gasped as a puff of green f
og spewed from its metal mouth and right into my face.

  “Oh god, that is gross!” My hand flew to cover my nose and mouth. I tried not to gag as the substance floated and settled, smelling like a rotten egg had exploded. “Gah! It’s a good thing I hadn’t taken a shower yet!”

  “Xandru should know by now that you’re a stinky girl.” Gabe laughed hysterically at the look I gave him. He fingered the dragon’s tail again, and I snatched it away.

  “You be careful with that,” Mammie said as she floated in. “We had better hope that wasn’t old stored-up aether.”

  “Aether?” I asked.

  “An old form of magic,” she said, as though that was enough explanation.

  “Sheesh. Is anything normal or safe around here?” I muttered as I headed for the back of the inn, unable to stand myself one minute longer. “I’m off to shower and get ready for my very important date.”

  I couldn’t believe how smelly I was on date night. Again. No amount of scrubbing or standing under the scalding shower seemed to be enough to wash away the stink. By the time I shut the water off, I hoped the odor was all in my head, my olfactory nerves still recuperating, because I was running late. I glanced at my phone. Yep. Xandru was supposed to pick me up in fifteen minutes.

  I didn’t want to make him wait, even when part of me felt like he deserved it, considering all the times he’d been so badly delayed, he just hadn’t showed. Tonight was supposed to be different, though. He’d told me on the phone earlier that he’d planned for tonight to make up for every date we’d attempted since I’d been back, but had never been able to make happen. He wanted it to be perfect. I told him I’d hold him to it.

  Still, I couldn’t deny my shock when there was a knock on the door at seven o’clock sharp.

  I finished applying the last coat of mascara, framing my eyes with thick, dark lashes that still wouldn’t compare with Xandru’s natural ones. After a quick check of my updo, I smoothed my hands down my slinky red dress. The dress I’d put on for the third time in as many months, yet nobody had seen me in it. Not even Xandru. I looked damn fine, if I said so myself.

  Satisfied, I headed for the door. When I opened it, Xandru stood on the porch with a bunch of wildflowers and a bottle of Stone Falls Winery’s Blood Like Velvet “wine” in his hands. He really was going all out.

  His gray-green eyes were unusually bright tonight, making him even sexier than usual. His gaze traveled down my body, lingering on my legs before coming back up as a slow smile lit his face by the time his eyes locked with mine.

  He gave me my favorite look, the one that made me feel as though nobody and nothing else mattered. This was why I stood in this doorway, even after everything. This was why I was ready on time for a date that I couldn’t have been positive would happen, when all the others hadn’t. This expression in his eyes, in his face, that was much more than adoration, but as though I was his entire world … his universe … his life.

  This look that was full of love. And lust.

  His eyes smoldered as he rubbed his thumb across his full lower lip.

  A whole hell of a lot of lust. On both sides.

  My tongue slipped out, wetting my own lip, wishing it was his.

  “And I thought I liked the black dress …” His voice came out husky as he gave me another visual appraisal that sent warm tingles over my skin.

  “We’re going on this date,” I said preemptively, before he persuaded me to spend the evening home … in bed … my sexy red dress on the floor, never to be seen in public.

  Nothing like that had happened yet. It wasn’t about to tonight. I’d rehearsed everything over and over, and I needed this night to happen. We needed it to happen.

  “Of course. A promise is a promise.” He held his hand out for me. “My lady?”

  “Should I put that inside first?” I motioned toward the flowers and black bottle.

  Xandru handed them to me, and I took them inside. I moved quickly to put the flowers in water before grabbing a shawl and a little evening bag. As soon as I joined him outside, he took my hand and pulled me close to him so my chest pressed against his. Electric butterflies danced in my core. Although I remembered most of our past together, there was still so much new about what we had. Or what we were trying to have, anyway. So much mystery and anticipation. So much exploring still to do.

  So much history to overcome.

  I had to crane my neck back to look at him as his arm slipped across my lower back, holding me even closer. He smelled divine—manly but godlike. He leaned down, our noses nearly touching, pausing before coming in for the kill. His mouth actually might kill me. It was perfect. Always perfect.

  But gone entirely too quickly.

  “What’s that smell?” he asked, pulling away. His lip curled.

  I sucked in a sharp breath. “Holy hell! You’ve got to be kidding me!”

  I spun out of his embrace and headed back for the door.

  “Hey, where are you going? What are you doing?”

  “I cannot go out smelling like this! Just go. The night is ruined. Again.”

  “Kales.” His large, warm hand landed on my shoulder. “We made a promise to each other.”

  “I smell like rotten eggs! Gabe found this old toy that might have aether in it, and something gross blew out all over my hair and face, and I scrubbed and scrubbed, but hell, if the stink’s still here, there’s no way I’m going to get rid of it with another shower. We’ll just have to do this date another time. Once it wears off … or whenever.” I threw my arms in the air before grabbing for the door knob, willing away the pricking in my eyes and at the back of my throat. This was not how tonight was supposed to go, damn it!

  “Michaela.” Xandru’s voice came out firm. His hand on my shoulder squeezed and pulled, turning me back toward him. “You are not getting out of this.”

  “I don’t want to get out of this,” I protested. “But I stink.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I do! It’s embarrassing. Not sexy at all.”

  The corner of his mouth twitched, as though he fought a smile. “Woman, I don’t care if you just crawled out of the pits of hell smelling like brimstone and sulfur, you’re still the sexiest damn thing I’ve ever seen. You always will be. Now come on this date with me and let the world see you in that dress before I bring you back here and turn it into rags.”

  Gasping, I pressed a hand down my little red dress. “You would not!”

  His mouth curled into a small, sexy grin. “Oh, I will. I’ve already pictured it five times since you opened the door. Just not sure yet if it’ll be my hands or my teeth shredding it off of you.”

  I laughed. “You’re terrible.”

  “You will soon find out just how good my terrible feels.” Holy sex bomb. My panties might have wetted with that little promise. He held his hand out once again. “Are you coming with me or not?” I hesitated. “If it makes you feel better, I could only smell it on you when I was close. And I have vampire senses, you know.”

  “And half the town has a heightened sense of smell.”

  “Not quite half. And anyone who comes close enough to smell your hair will be worrying about other things than what you smell like. Such as their lives.”

  “Ah, such the chivalrous gentleman you are.”

  “No, love. Not a gentleman. Just someone who refuses to share.”

  I took his hand and let him lead me to his truck, where he was most definitely the gentleman, opening the door and helping me inside. While he rounded the front of the vehicle, I couldn’t help but think about how much sharing we both had to do. I’d been thinking about it a lot lately, ever since my conversation a month ago with Addie outside Coffee Haven. Family always came first, and work also found a way to steal our time from each other, because family and work were so intertwined for the both of us. Only, I’d been able to steal some time back much more often than he had.

  Of course, my brother wasn’t knocking on death’s door, so there was tha
t. Even if I couldn’t stand Tase and he wasn’t exactly Xandru’s favorite person, either, he was family. So I did my best to understand. I practiced a lot of patience.

  My patience had worn quite thin.

  Xandru drove up Mt. Alexa on Alverson Road to Fallview Tavern & Grille. The large lodge had a log cabin look to it, which wasn’t exactly white-linen fancy, but it had one of the best views in town. Sitting on the edge of a cliff, it overlooked the great falls with the lights of town sprinkled down below. Simon, the cook and a dragon shifter, also made the best steaks in town. I’d asked him once if he secretly flame-broiled them with dragon fire. He never gave me a straight answer.

  We sat outside in the mist and roar of the falls, at a round wooden table near the edge of the deck to take advantage of the view. A candle in a square glass holder flickered, the flame causing shadows to dance over the table and across Xandru’s face.

  “To my life.” Xandru held his wine glass up, his head cocked in a way to indicate he meant me.

  “To our lives,” I said as I clinked my glass against his.

  “I know it’s not what we’d always hoped for, but it’ll get better. I promise you.”

  There was so much to say to that. Everything I’d rehearsed, actually. But not yet. I wanted to save it for later and enjoy our dinner now. So I gave him a smile as Serena Alverson, our waitress for the evening, approached with our steaks. The teen placed our plates in front of us without a word, although the look on her face showed she had much to say.

  “Are you okay?” I asked her.

  Her blue eyes widened. She glanced down at my steak, then spun on her heel and hurried away.

  I groaned. “She could smell me.”

  Xandru laughed. “She’s a vegan, according to Simon.”

  I looked down at my extremely rare steak, oozing the blood I craved even more than the actual meat. “Oh! And it all makes sense now. Poor thing shouldn’t have to serve us flesh-eaters, then.”

  “To each their own,” Xandru said, lifting a bite of bright red meat to his mouth.

  I began to cut into my own steak when Xandru’s phone went off.