by Noelle Adams
“Sounds good.” He leaned down to kiss Cara distractedly, and then he kissed Alice in turn—lightly, just to the side of her mouth.
It seemed natural, as if he hadn’t even thought about doing it, but it sent a surge of fear spiraling up inside her.
She couldn’t keep feeling like they were a couple if they weren’t, in fact, a couple. “When you get back from work,” she said to his back, since he was already starting for the door, “can we maybe talk a little?”
He turned toward her again. “About what?”
She sucked in a few jerky breaths, suddenly terrified and paralyzed and wondering what she’d just done. She hadn’t been planning to do it like that. In fact, she’d been sure she wasn’t going to just dump it on him like that. “Nothing.”
“About what?” he insisted.
“About…about us.”
She saw something shift on his face. “Oh. Okay.”
“I’m just kind of confused. And…and…I don’t know…It would help if we could talk.” Cara started to cry, and Alice jostled her gently. “Nothing high maintenance or anything.”
“You want to talk this afternoon?”
“Yeah. I mean, some time soon. I’m just confused…”
“You already said that.” His voice wasn’t sharp, but it silenced her anyway.
Then she was suddenly annoyed that he’d managed to silence her. “I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want to talk.”
“I never said it was unreasonable.”
“Well, you’re acting like…like…”
“Like what?” His voice was much curter now.
“Like you don’t want to talk.”
“I never said anything of the kind. In fact, I said okay.”
“But you don’t really mean it.”
“You aren’t in a position to tell me what I mean or not.”
“Well—”
“Listen, Alice, I can’t have this conversation right now. We’ll talk later.”
And then the infuriating man just walked out the door.
Alice wanted to scream with annoyance—and also with frustration and disappointment and fear.
But there was nothing to do about it now. She tried to comfort Cara and told herself that, whatever Micah ended up telling her, it was better than not knowing.
She didn’t entirely convince herself of this fact.
Instead, she kept wishing she’d obeyed her rules and not said anything at all.
***
Cara did start to feel a little better, but Alice was so exhausted and depressed at ten-thirty that morning that she took Cara over to Micah’s parents, so she could get some work done at the church without too much distraction.
She was so set on focusing that she got her work on the bulletin done in record time and decided to be even more productive and get some of the collected filing completed.
The file cabinets were in a big storage closet in Daniel’s office. Since he was out visiting, she figured it was a perfect time to get in there and get the filing done.
Daniel, being rather old-fashioned, liked to keep paper records, and it took almost a half-hour to get all the paperwork filed away. Alice didn’t mind, though. She liked the mindless work.
And it helped her to not think about Micah.
She was just about done when she heard voices outside the closet.
“That’s just stupid,” a resonant voice sounded from the office. Daniel’s voice. No way not to recognize it.
Alice started to get up and let him know she was in his closet, but she froze when she heard another voice.
“You’re the one who demanded for me to tell you all kinds of personal shit, and all you can say is that I’m stupid?”
Micah. And he sounded angry.
“Well, I’m sorry. But you are being stupid. You’ve got to see it for yourself.
“I see a lot of things that you can’t seem to understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand. So tell me why this is so hard for you, when it’s so blindingly obvious to every single person who knows you.”
“Because it’s different. She’s different from every other woman I’ve known before. And I don’t think I can trust—” Micah broke off and didn’t finish the sentence.
“Trust what?” Daniel asked. His voice had shifted, and it sounded like he might have sat down. “Trust God? Trust yourself?”
“Trust my instincts. Just because I want something doesn’t mean it’s right.”
“Well, why shouldn’t this be right? She’s amazing. She’s an incredible woman. You couldn’t do better than Alice.”
Alice was paralyzed, on her knees in the closet. She shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be hearing this. But she’d already heard too much to bring attention to herself now. She had no idea what to do, so she ended up doing nothing.
Except listening.
“I know I couldn’t do better. That’s the point.” Micah sounded more exhausted than ever, and he must have sat down too.
There was silence in the office for a moment.
Then Daniel asked softly, “What do you mean? This is what you’ve wanted for a really long time, and I thought you were finally doing something about it. So tell me what’s holding you back, now that you’re so close.”
It took more than a minute, but finally Micah admitted, “I never actually thought this could happen, but now that it is, I can’t help but realize I…I don’t have enough to offer her.”
“What are you talking about? Surely you don’t have some sort of ridiculous, lofty vision of earning millions of dollars and buying her—”
“No, of course not. You know me better than that.”
“Then what can’t you offer her.”
“A man who’s not so…”
“So what?”
“So broken.”
This time, Daniel didn’t answer right away. “Oh. I see.”
“Do you get it now? I thought you were supposed to be good at this.”
“Who ever told you that? I can preach, but Jessica will tell you that my counseling skills are pretty dubious.”
They obviously used the brief moment of dry humor to break the tension. Daniel’s tone was more relaxed when he added, “Now I know you’re being stupid.”
“I’m serious here.”
“I know you’re serious. You think, because of your past, you’re not good enough for her. But you’re the one who’s missing the point.”
“What point?”
“The whole point of a life of faith. It’s not about being good. None of us are good. None of us are good enough.”
“I know that. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“But I think you are.” Daniel’s voice got urgent again. “Remember who you’re talking to here. I was nothing but angry for years. It was a problem I had with God, but it bled out into everything I did. I almost lost Jessica because of it. You knew what I was doing then, and you called me on it. I’m not going to let you make the same mistake I almost made. If I can be forgiven, if I could make things right with Jessica, then why shouldn’t you be able to work things out with Alice too?”
“Because it’s not the same thing.” Micah’s voice was raw now, and it made Alice’s heart ache. She was shaking on the floor of the closet, completely overwhelmed by what she was hearing.
What she shouldn’t be hearing.
“It’s not the same thing. We’re not in the same position. You haven’t done what I’ve done.”
There was a strange pause before Daniel asked, “What have you done?” He sounded wary, as if he really didn’t know what might be confessed.
“You know what I’ve done,” Micah replied impatiently. “You know. Everyone knows. The whole dirty litany of my life for ten years. It’s all out in the open. It doesn’t just go away because I want it to.”
“Think about what you’re saying. What if she’d had sex with a bunch of men in the past? Would she somehow then have fallen to your level? Is that what y
ou’re really saying? Is sex some kind of measuring stick between pure and impure? Do you hear how wrong that is?”
“I’m not saying that. That’s not what this is about.”
“Good. Because we really don’t want to go there. No one is pure enough to be on the right side of the measuring stick. Not Alice. Not anyone.”
“I know that. It’s not really about sex at all. It’s about the way I…the way I broke my life.” Micah sounded absolutely desperate to be understood.
“So your life is full of shit. So is mine. So is everyone’s. What do you think forgiveness is about? He takes our shit and loves us anyway. He makes us beautiful—because he is.”
Alice was practically in tears, and she was having to suppress them to remain silent. She heard nothing but breathing from the office for a minute.
Then Micah finally said, “I know he’s forgiven me.”
“But you don’t think she will?”
“It’s not about forgiveness. It’s about not being willing to offer her the broken dregs of a life, when she deserves more.”
Daniel made a frustrated, growling sound. “Can’t she decide that for herself? Maybe she wants the dregs, as stupid and stubborn as you are.” Then he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I know you’re really torn up about this. You’ve been trying to live out what you believe for a year now, so why can’t you live it out in this too?”
“I don’t know if I’m even capable of it.” Micah paused. “The other night, I almost…I wanted her so much I almost...”
“But you stopped, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“So I get that this is new to you, but that’s really pretty normal a struggle for a guy to have. You have no idea how much I wanted Jessica, long before we ever got married. You know what Paul says. Better to—”
“Don’t you dare quote that verse at me.”
Daniel actually laughed. “Sorry. But, seriously, whatever happened isn’t a sign that you shouldn’t pursue this. You’ve just never had to stop yourself from taking what you want before, and it isn’t any fun.”
“You really suck at this.”
“So you and Jessica can share notes and critique my performance. But I’m not joking about this. You better pursue her, because she’s not going to hang around forever and wait for you to figure it out. Don’t miss your chance with her again.”
Now that the conversation seemed to be reaching an end, Alice was suddenly hit by a wave of intense panic.
She was well and truly trapped. Micah might leave soon, if she was lucky, but Daniel would eventually come further into the office and see that she was kneeling in his closet.
She would be exposed as an eavesdropper and have absolutely no defense for herself.
She started to pray desperately for a fire or flood or some sort of distraction to provide her a means of escape.
Daniel continued, “But get it together with God first. You need to do that first.”
Micah made an impatient sound. “Damn it—I’ve told you over and over again that it’s not a problem with God.”
“And you’ll have to accept that I don’t believe that’s true.”
“I don’t have to accept anything.” Micah’s voice faded as the words continued, and she realized he must be walking out of the office.
“Micah, wait,” Daniel said, obviously following him out.
Alice stumbled to her feet and checked to make sure the office was empty. Then she limped out of it, out of the outer office, and into the bathroom, where she sat on the toilet and covered her face with her hands.
She was shaking helplessly and couldn’t begin to process everything she’d heard.
But she’d never had a prayer answered quite so quickly before.
***
She was leaving the church and heading to her car, a rattled, emotional mess, when she ran into Lydia Morgan.
Lydia was just getting out of her car, and she waved at Alice and started to approach.
Alice didn’t feel like talking, but she had no reason to be rude to Lydia.
“Are you all swamped with getting ready for Easter weekend?” Lydia asked, smoothing down her lovely red hair, even though not a single, shiny hair was out of place.
“Not really. I think I’m caught up, anyway. I was just heading home.”
“I need to catch Daniel for a minute. Is he there?”
“Yeah. He was there with Micah. They should be…somewhere.”
“Okay, great.” Lydia grinned at her. “How are things going with you and Micah?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you think I mean? Everyone is talking about it. There’s a big controversy between people who’ve known it all along and those who think it just came out of nowhere.”
Alice’s cheeks burned at the idea of the whole town talking about her.
As if she’d read her mind, Lydia said more gently, “Well, what do you expect? This is Willow Park.”
“I know. I just don’t know if there’s anything to talk about yet. We’re not a couple or anything.”
Lydia laughed. “Of course, you are. He’s always had a thing for you. Remember when he used to call you that nickname?”
“Dormouse.”
“Yeah. Well, other kids would call you that—in not as nice a way—and he’d always go after them and make them take it back. Did you know he did that?”
Alice swallowed over a lump in her throat. “No. I didn’t know that.”
“I really thought you two would start dating after his senior year. After we broke up, I mean. I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t.”
“He was going away for college.”
“Yeah.” Lydia’s face was reflective. “I guess it might have been bad timing. But the timing is good now, though, right?”
“I don’t know.” Alice was still overwhelmed with the conversation she’d overheard, and she hadn’t yet fully processed it.
“So what’s holding you back?”
“It’s not always that easy.”
“I don’t know why not. It seems pretty obvious with you two.” She gave a graceful shrug. “But I’m pretty ignorant about romantic relationships, so what do I know?”
Alice searched her face, but there didn’t seem to be any guile or equivocation there. “To tell you the truth, I thought maybe you and he would pick back up—”
Lydia gave a short burst of laughter. “That would be the death of both of us. We were never any good together. High school is one thing, but the real world…oh no. Besides, I really don’t think I’m intended to get married.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I don’t think I’m called to that life.” Lydia looked completely calm, completely convinced.
“Why not?”
“For a lot of reasons. But, right now, I’m heading to India, so a relationship is the last thing on my mind. I really don’t think I’ll ever get married. Not every woman does, you know. It doesn’t mean I can’t live a complete, fulfilled life.”
“I know that. I’m just surprised. You’re still young and things might change.”
“So they might change. I don’t think they will, but who knows? For now, I’m not worried about it. But I do hope you and Micah work it out. Something always came alive on his face, whenever he was with you. And I’ve seen it there again in the last few weeks.”
Alice felt a strange mingling of pleasure and poignancy. To hide it, she said, “I think it’s great you’re going to India. It’s going to be really hard, isn’t it?”
“Sure it is. But I’ve been over there before, so I know what I’m getting into. And my heart breaks for these girls. They’re practically babies, and they’re sold to the brothels. I really want to help.”
“That’s amazing work. I don’t know how you do it. I mean, you’ll be giving up so much…I mean…” Alice wasn’t sure how to say what she wanted to say, but evidently Lydia understood it.
She reached out and squeezed Alice’s
arm briefly. “Yeah. But sometimes you need to do something, no matter what the risk, just because it’s right.”
The words resonated with Alice, for some reason. She kept hearing them even after Lydia said goodbye and disappeared into the church. And even after Alice drove over to the Duncans to pick up Cara.
Then she stopped hearing them because she got a phone call.
The college outside of Asheville—offering her a position in the library.
They wanted her to start in two weeks.
Eleven
Micah got home later than she expected him.
She’d made some grilled chicken and a big salad, but dinner time came and went and Micah didn’t appear. It made her very nervous, since she was afraid he might be avoiding her.
She’d told Micah that morning that she wanted to have a conversation, and he obviously didn’t want to have it. From overhearing his conversation with Daniel, she understood now why he was hesitating.
But the urgency had increased significantly because she had to make a decision about the job offer by Monday.
Cara had been feeling a little better that day, but she declined as the afternoon progressed. So she was crying when Micah came home just before seven.
Alice had been thinking they might go to the Good Friday service at church that evening, since Micah was supposed to help out with that service too. But one look at Micah’s face told her that wasn’t likely to happen.
He looked different. Closed down, somehow. Like he’d decided something important in her absence. Something very important to her.
She reminded herself not to read into his expression when she didn’t know any real answers yet.
“Sorry I’m late,” he said, reaching over to take Cara from her arms and hug the little girl to his chest.
“It’s fine. Is everything all right?” She searched his face, hoping to see some sort of softening. Surely he’d taken Daniel’s words to heart earlier in the day. Surely he could see how wrong his thinking was.
“Yeah. Just been a long day.” With a groan, he lowered himself to the recliner with Cara in his arms.
“I guess you’ll have to get going soon, if you want to get to the service on time.”
“I’m not going,” he said. “I told Daniel I wasn’t up to it, with Cara having the ear infection and everything.”