“I really want to, but it seems that every time I turn around, there’s something to prevent it from happening. First the past and how Jordan reacted to that. And of course, my own issues with what happened. But when I think of trying to connect with Jordan, to make a place for him in my life, I start to feel overwhelmed.” Alex frowned and glanced up at Lucas. “And that overwhelmed feeling? Yeah, I’m not so used to it. And I really don’t like it. In fact, the last time I felt this overwhelmed by anything was when Rebecca told me she was pregnant. I don’t know how to get out from under that feeling and get control of the situation again.”
Lucas chuckled as he reached out to clap Alex on the shoulder. “I’m sorry to inform you, my friend, that once you have a family—a wife and a child—you’re never really truly in control of the situation ever again.”
“And you don’t have a problem with that?” Alex asked. Lucas was a businessman like he was. A successful businessman. There’s no way that he could achieve any amount of success without being in control of things.
“In my business, I’m still in control,” Lucas said, as if reading Alex’s mind. “But here at home, they don’t need me to be in control all the time. They need me to be present. They need me to be understanding. But most of all, they need me to love them. And I do. With all my heart.”
“So does that help with the overwhelmed feeling?” Alex asked as his hand drifted down to touch the soft fur between Ava’s ears. It was as if she sensed his emotional distress and was offering comfort in the only way she knew how.
Lucas leaned forward, an intense look on his face. “Here’s the thing about being overwhelmed. There’s a saying going around that claims that God will never give us more than we can handle. But I’m here to tell you that’s not true.”
Alex frowned. He’d heard the saying and in fact, it had come to mind a few times over the past couple of weeks. He tried to find solace in it, but all he’d found was failure since clearly God had given him more than he could handle.
“If God only gave us what we could handle, why would we need Him? God, in fact, does give us more than we can handle and then offers us His strength, His wisdom and His peace to deal with it. When we learned that my brother Lincoln might be dead, I definitely felt that God had given us more than we could handle. Definitely more than my mom could handle. But it was then that I learned that God wanted us to trust Him to get through the situation. To not try and do it all on our own. And that applies to your situation as well.”
Alex looked at the man sitting across from him, really looking at him for the first time and seeing a man of incredible spiritual depth. They’d been acquaintances for years, but it was only recently as their circles of friends and family began to intertwine that they’d become friends. They attended the same church and were in the same men’s Bible study, but it seemed Lucas took his faith much more seriously than Alex had. Sure he prayed and read his Bible, but at the first sign of trouble, his immediate thought wasn’t necessarily to pray and ask God for wisdom. He always seemed to try and figure things out for himself until he got overwhelmed by it all. Now Lucas was telling him that God was, in fact, waiting for him to admit his weakness and ask for His help.
“I hope I’m not coming across like I’m preaching a sermon to you, Alex. I just felt that God brought you here for a reason this morning, and I’m feeling even more strongly that way now. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to share your story with me, and I hope that something of what I’ve shared with you today might help you in some way. Our journeys may have been different, but we’ve faced similar situations. I certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I know the One who does and that gives me more peace than you can imagine when dealing with things that I feel completely ill-equipped to deal with.”
Alex took a sip of his coffee then set the mug down. “I never… I never looked at things the way you presented them here today. I’ve just always assumed that when facing a difficult situation, I needed to take control of it and not let it overwhelm me. That’s why I’ve struggled so much with the situation with Rebecca and Jordan. I haven’t been able to take control of it, and it has certainly overwhelmed me.” Ava chuffed softly, and Alex began to rub her fur again.
“Recognizing that is the first step. The next step is turning to God and understanding that He is the only one who can truly help you deal with what’s in your heart and then what’s happening around you.”
When Alex left Lucas’s house a short time later, he did so with a sense of peace underlying the overwhelmed feeling he’d been struggling with. Though he hadn’t completely escaped the feeling of being overwhelmed, it wasn’t as scary as it had been before. He still had no idea what lay ahead with regards to his relationships with Rebecca and Jordan, but he was going to trust God to help him through it.
Throughout the drive home, Alex carried on a conversation with God. He needed to apply what Lucas had said and he did it by asking God for forgiveness for what he’d done and for freedom from the guilt he’d carried for so long. Though he had been willing before to prepare himself for what God’s will might be for the three of them, that held a whole new meaning now. Regardless of how all this turned out, he knew that God no longer wanted him living a life filled with guilt. Accepting God’s forgiveness would prepare his heart in a way he hadn’t realized before.
Uncertain what to expect at the house, Alex let himself in the front door and was greeted by silence. He walked into the kitchen and noticed Jordan sitting at the table with his phone, staring out at the backyard. Alex stood for a moment and looked at his son. He waited for the rush of guilt that usually accompanied being around Jordan, but it didn’t come. Instead, he was able to look at his son and truly see him for the remarkable young man he was. Jordan deserved more from him than a relationship mired down in guilt, and Alex hoped that he would give him a chance to create that relationship.
White cords hung from his ears which would explain why he didn’t hear Alex’s approach. As Alex slid onto the chair across the table from him, Jordan’s head turned, his eyes widening in surprise. With slow movements, he pulled the earbuds out and set them on the table.
“Do you have a minute to talk?” Alex asked. He wanted to make the boy listen to what he had to say, but he knew that Jordan would be more receptive if it was his choice.
Jordan nodded as his hand closed around his phone. He shifted on his chair, his gaze dropping briefly to the table before he looked up and said, “Sure. What’s up?”
For a moment, Alex began to panic, once again feeling the fluttering of nerves and the feeling of unworthiness as he sat there with Jordan. He swallowed hard and took a breath, remembering Lucas’s words as well as the prayer he’d prayed on his way home. Now he was going to trust God to give him the words that Jordan needed to hear in order to heal what was between them.
“Jordan, I know you were hurt when you found out what I said to your mom when she told me she was pregnant with you. And you have every right to feel that way. However, I also want you to know how very sorry I am for what I said and ask your forgiveness for that.” Alex stopped and tried to formulate what else he needed to say in his mind. “I’ve lived the last fifteen years of my life with the guilt of knowing that I had condemned my child to death. It ate at me all those years. When I found out you weren’t dead, I thought it would all go away, but it didn’t. Every time I looked at you, I was consumed with guilt and the feeling that I wasn’t worthy of being your father.”
Jordan stared at him, his blue eyes wide and his mouth slightly open as if in shock. Alex wondered if he was going to say anything, but when he didn’t, Alex continued on.
“I’ve also been really worried that I wouldn’t be able to be the kind of father you wanted or needed. My whole life has been wrapped up in BlackThorpe. The company has always been my first priority. I want to change that, to give you a higher priority. I want to be able to spend time with you and get to know you better. I want you to know more than an
ything that I love you.” Alex swallowed against the emotions rising within him. “I don’t know what you want or need from me, but I hope that you will give us a chance. I’m going to mess up, I know that already, but I’m going to try my best to be the father that you need. Will you let me do that? Will you help me do that?”
Having asked him a direct question, Alex waited for Jordan’s answer. If his son wanted nothing more to do with him, then he needed Jordan to tell him that face-to-face so that there were no misunderstandings. It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but he would accept it until, hopefully, one day Jordan would change his mind.
Jordan gave a shaky nod. “Yes. I would like that.”
Relief rush through Alex, wiping out the last of the guilt that had been lingering in his heart. Together, he and Jordan would figure out what worked best for them. Their relationship might be different than boys who had had their father with them since birth, but the one thing that would be the same would be the love Alex had for Jordan.
Silence stretched between them as they sat looking at each other. Grasping for something—anything—to build on what they’d started there, Alex found himself offering to take Jordan shooting at the range that afternoon.
“I need to check in with a couple people before we can go, so why don’t we plan on leaving around two or so. And you should probably check with your mom to make sure it’s okay with her.”
Jordan nodded as he got to his feet then paused. “What if mom wants to come too? Would that be okay?”
“If she wants to come along, she’s more than welcome. Even if she doesn’t want to shoot.”
With a quick grin, Jordan darted from the kitchen, leaving Alex with more hope in his heart than he’d had in a very long time. As he headed for his room to make a call to Marcus, Alex hoped that the positive result of his conversation with Jordan was just the start of things changing for the better.
~*~*~
CHAPTER NINETEEN
MOM!”
Rebecca looked over in time to see her son appear in the doorway to the bedroom. She got to her feet as he approached her and caught her up in a tight hug.
When he finally released her, she stepped back and asked, “What’s going on?”
She didn’t think anything was wrong since his face was lit up with excitement. His grin was even bigger than when he’d heard about going to a basketball game with Tyler, so it was something significant.
“I just talked with…uh… Alex. My dad. He said he wants me to be a part of his life.”
Rebecca hadn’t seen Alex since he’d said goodnight to her at the BlackThorpe office. She’d popped into the house after breakfast, but there had been nobody around. Obviously, at some point, Alex had returned home and had spoken to Jordan. The huge grin on her son’s face warmed her heart.
“That’s great, sweetheart. Are you feeling better about things with Alex now?”
“I am.” Jordan gave a vigorous nod of his head. “He apologized for what he said to you back then. And he said that it was hard because every time he looked at me he felt guilty for what he said, but he wants us to have a relationship. He wants to be my dad.”
Rebecca wished she could’ve been there for the conversation, but she knew it was something that needed to take place between just Jordan and Alex. It seemed that that relationship now had a firm foundation on which to build, and she was very glad—and relieved—for that. The fear she’d had over Alex’s presence in Jordan’s life was long gone. She knew now that Alex would try his best to be a good father for Jordan, and she would do what she could to help their relationship flourish.
All that was left now was to figure things out between her and Alex. After coming home the night before, Rebecca had spent time curled up in the chair in her room, thinking over the events of the evening. Their dinner together and the time afterward at BlackThorpe had shown her a different side of Alex. In fact, everything she’d seen of him since arriving in Minneapolis had proven him to be very different from the man she’d imagined he would have become.
For some reason, in her mind, she had imagined him to be a distant, overbearing and controlling man. One without feelings or regard for others. She’d based her assumptions on his reaction to her pregnancy, assuming the man she’d fallen in love with had changed completely. But she saw now that he hadn’t. Yes, he was controlling at times and very determined, but then she had also seen the softer side of him. How he indulged his sisters. How emotionally involved he’d been in finding Alana.
She didn’t need a man to take care of her like she had when she’d been nineteen, but that didn’t stop her from wanting someone at her side. And not just anyone, she knew she wanted Alex. At one time, she would have rejected the thought of sharing the role of parenting Jordan with anyone. But seeing how Alex was with Jordan, how determined he was to try and make things work, Rebecca knew that sharing that role with him would be the best thing for Jordan.
“Mom?” Jordan’s voice drew her back to their conversation. “Did you hear me?”
“Sorry, sweetheart. What did you say?”
Jordan gave her a funny look. “Alex said he’d take me shooting this afternoon, and if you wanted to go with us that you could. Even if you didn’t want to shoot. Do you want to go?”
While she in no way was interested in shooting, Rebecca wasn’t going to turn down the opportunity to spend some time with both Alex and Jordan. “What time are we leaving?”
“Alex said he had to check some things, so we will leave around two.” Jordan’s body was practically thrumming with anticipation. “Are you going to try shooting again?”
“No way.” Rebecca slipped an arm around Jordan’s waist and gave him a squeeze. “I’ll stick to things I’m good at, like making lunch. Are you hungry?”
A little before two, Rebecca made her way to the house. Jordan had gone over earlier, but she’d taken the time to change into a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved blouse. She didn’t even bother denying that the extra effort she took with her appearance was in hopes of pleasing Alex. There was a side of her that was trying to tell her that she was being ridiculous, that she should never dress to please a man, but Rebecca was shutting that voice down. If she wanted to wear something that Alex might think she looked good in, she was going to do it.
Once inside the house, Rebecca heard voices in the kitchen so she headed in that direction. Alex and Jordan stood there talking with Melanie.
“Melanie’s coming with us, Mom,” Jordan said when he spotted her.
Rebecca felt a twinge of disappointment that it wouldn’t just be the three of them, but she tamped it down because she liked Melanie. “Well, I’m going on the record now to say that I won’t be shooting.”
Jordan and Alex shared a glance and then laughed.
“Practice makes perfect,” Alex said. “Not everyone gets it right on the first try.”
“I daresay that practice won’t help me.” Rebecca gave Alex a quick glance with a small smile. “I’m just going along for the company.”
Alex stared at her for a moment then said, “Well then, let’s get this show on the road.”
When they got to the truck, Melanie climbed into the back with Jordan, leaving the front seat open for Rebecca. Alex held the door for her and waited until she was buckled in before closing it. Once he was behind the wheel, they headed around the driveway to the gate and out onto the highway.
“Has there been any more news about Alana?” Rebecca asked as Alex guided the truck through traffic.
“Yes, actually, there is. Justin phoned early this morning to say Alana had regained consciousness. She’s still very weak from the drugs and the dehydration, but they say she’s going to be just fine.”
“Physically she’ll be just fine,” Melanie added from the back seat. “It may take her a little more time to deal with it emotionally and mentally. Did they say if there appeared to be any signs of abuse?”
Alex shook his head. “Justin didn’t say anything about that. And I
didn’t really want to ask. I guess I’m sort of feeling like we’ve won the war just getting her back, but I know there will be more battles to be fought. We’ll make sure that she has access to any sort of help she needs. And not just her, but Justin and Caden too.”
“We have plenty of people in–house who can help her. Although, they may wish to deal with people not connected with BlackThorpe. In which case, we have professionals we can refer them to.”
“At least you could talk with her, Melanie. Not necessarily as a psychologist, but as a friend who has gone through something similar.”
Rebecca recalled the horrible couple of weeks that Alex and his family had suffered through when Melanie had been kidnapped in her teens. Through Alex, she knew more details than most, but they had been careful to shield Melanie from the media once she’d been returned to them. Looking at her now, Rebecca was glad to see her happy and in a relationship with Tyler.
It wasn’t long before they were at the gate to the compound. Once inside, Melanie and Jordan led the way from the truck to the building housing the shooting range. Rebecca stayed beside Alex, her hand and arm brushing against his as they walked. She wondered if he’d take her hand again like he had the night before. Or had that just been done in the emotion of the moment? Was he waiting for her to make the first move?
Jordan and Melanie had already disappeared into the building by the time they got there. Alex reached out and opened the door, holding it for her and laying his hand on the small of her back as he ushered her inside.
As they stepped into the long hallway leading to the range, Alex glanced down at her and said, “So you’re sure you don’t want to shoot?”
Proof of Life: A Christian Romance (BlackThorpe Security Book 4) Page 23