Lillian moved as close to her showerhead as she could and he still had to squeeze in order to fit. He didn’t complain. Getting rid of rotten vampire blood must be a high priority for him, too. She smiled. He didn’t even crowd her very much.
“This should be awkward,” she said as she applied her soapy sponge to his back. “Embarrassing. Blush inducing. But it’s not. Why? Is … is this love?”
Several seconds slid by without an answer. Since he never said much, his silence didn’t upset her. She shook her head and switched to washing a gore-splattered wing. He flexed it so she could better reach the dirt. A slow grin spread across her face at the ease with which they fell into routine. Being with him felt as natural as brushing her hair.
“No.”
His belated answer felt like a kick in the gut. “No?” she prompted and continued to scrub the membrane between the stout bones so he wouldn’t know how much that one word hurt.
He paused for a long moment. Then words poured from him. “Love is the mingling of souls. A powerful emotion. And if we were like any normal souls, then yes, love would be a good word for what we share. Yet we are different. We share one spirit—a single soul between us. Like the Divine Ones, who were once one entity who chose to split into the Mother and the Father to better understand itself, we are one being in the Spirit Realm, but two outside of that place. What we share is more profound than mortal love.”
His words were like balm to her wounds. What he said should have been outlandish, and it was, but his words fit. She more than loved him. He was a part of her. Her other self. They had known each other for an eternity. Smiling, she soaped up his mane.
“Gregory.”
“Yes?”
He sounded hesitant, almost fearful, and her heart turned over in her chest, expanding with emotion at his vulnerability. Poor thing. He was as lost as she in this world. “I don’t fully understand it. I’ve only known you two days, but you mean so much to me.” She was going to say more. She needed to say more, but the words wouldn’t come.
He sighed, the contented sound rumbling over the noise of the water. “As you do to me. I will do all in my power to keep you safe.”
“And I’ll try not to make your task any harder than it already is.” She ran the sponge down his back while he ducked under the showerhead and rinsed the soap from his mane. When he came back up for air, she had a bottle of conditioner at the ready. His doubtful expression told her she was walking on thin ice, putting lily-of-the-valley-scented girl products on his hair. “It will make the tangles come out easier when it’s dry. Trust me, when I’m yanking a comb through it, you’ll appreciate this.”
He sighed again, but let her continue. With the dirt and gore washed away, and his hair clean and tangle free, she surveyed her work. It was the most natural thing in the world to reach under his wings and fold her arms around his waist as far as she could reach. The skin of his back was warm and slick. His wings shifted, trapping her between them. The scent of forest and male enfolded her in a blanket as soothing as his silky wing membranes. Seeing the pale line from the knife wound, she stretched up onto her toes and kissed the scar. “That we share one soul explains so much. You are a part of me. At first I was terrified by the link between us, thinking it was an enchantment or our power drawing us together. Later, I thought it was the awareness the dryads spoke of. And I very much wanted whatever was between us to be more than just a chemical reaction. I wanted something deeper, more meaningful … because it already was for me.”
There, she’d spilled her heart. She waited with her eyes closed, barely daring to breathe.
“Each lifetime, it has always been so for me, as well.”
She sighed with contentment. Just standing there, holding him, made her mindlessly happy. She nuzzled that area where his wings attached. His skin was warm, his scent indescribably wild and male.
Gregory shifted, but he still didn’t break his silence as he turned to her.
When the silence between them became awkward, she peeked through her lashes. He was watching her with intense heat. She couldn’t hold his gaze and glanced down.
Oh … he was … .
What was she doing?
Still, her gaze lingered a moment longer, until she forced her head up and looked off to one side. She cleared her throat. “I should … go towel dry my hair. You … can finish up in here.” The long-absent blush returned with a vengeance and she bolted from the shower. She tripped in her rush, but caught herself against the sink. The door of the vanity slipped out of her hand with a bang. She tore it open again. When she tried to get a towel, the stupid thing pulled several of its friends along with it. She left the mess on the floor and scooped up two before she fled to her bedroom.
*
By the time Gregory exited the bathroom, Lillian was clothed in a floor-length nightgown and housecoat, her hair dry, with the blow dryer cooling on her nightstand, but she still didn’t have her emotions under control. They were an unruly riot she didn’t know how to sort out. While she brushed her tangle-free hair, she watched him out of the corner of her eye. When he hesitated, she gestured for him to come closer. He still didn’t move.
“Gregory, come and sit. We need to talk.”
Without a word, he came to stand before her, head bowed.
She cleared her throat. “About earlier, I owe you an—”
“I did not mean to frighten you,” he cut in.
“You didn’t frighten me.”
“You ran.”
“I wasn’t afraid.”
He furled his brow. “Yet you ran away.”
Lillian sighed. Damn, he was like a bloodhound with a scent. “Yes, I did. And I’m sorry. I was surprised and handled it badly. I’m an idiot. Give me an honest threat, and I’m game for battle, but toss me into an embarrassing situation and I turn tail and run, every time. Not something I’m proud of, and I’m sorry.” She reached for his hand and pulled him down to sit on the bed next to her.
“I’m glad you were not afraid,” he rumbled.
With a smile, she began to pull the brush through his mane. He turned to give her better access. In the end she sat on her haunches behind him. She was working up the nerve to ask him one question that burned brighter than the rest when he turned and looked at her with dark eyes full of knowledge. She was touching him. Of course he already knew what she was going to ask. She folded her hands in her lap and prayed for composure. The question lodged in her throat and didn’t want to come free. After three more tries, she got her voice working.
“Do you want … I mean … clearly you’re mature … with needs.” Lillian winced at her word choice and had a sudden urge to whack her head against a wall.
“What occurred earlier isn’t something I’d normally let happen. My control is usually better, but after all that’s ensued tonight, the power of the dance riding us, then you and the other dryads feeding me blood—both acts are very similar to courtship, and I reacted.”
Lillian sobered at his words, her reaction far closer to disappointment than relief. He wasn’t actually interested in her. She was just a warm, willing body, and she’d been all over him—literally. What a mess. She scrambled for something to say to him, something to throw him off track so he wouldn’t know how his words hurt.
“What I’m trying to say is … if you want to spend time with one of the dryads, go ahead. You seem to think you need to guard me every waking moment, but you should take some personal time too.”
“Personal time?”
She didn’t dare look up at him. “If you want to take one of the dryads as your lover, you should.”
Another long silence followed. She started to worry at her robe tie.
“There is one I want.” He said the words like they were dragged from his soul.
“Then go to her and find what solace you can. You have my blessing.” The lie tasted bitter on her tongue, but it was better than shackling him with the truth. He was so loyal; he’d forgo his own needs if h
e thought it would make her unhappy. In this case, a small lie served the greater good—even if it was gnawing at her heart hard enough to dampen her eyes. “Go, be with your chosen one.”
“I am.” He shifted and the bed rocked as he moved. Coffee-dark eyes bored into hers a second before he embraced her, drawing her against his chest. He hid his muzzle in her hair and drew on power. Eyes closed, she shivered at the delicious sensation. There was a moment of great heat and the world shifted around her. When she opened her eyes, she was lying on her back with him hunched over her.
Gregory, now in human form, leaned toward her, a look of tenderness on his face. She turned her head at the last moment and he landed a kiss on her jaw instead of the lips. His miss didn’t seem to upset him and he nuzzled her neck, inhaling her scent. Warm fingers stroked her breastbone. “You are the one thing that both calms and arouses me, my greatest and most forbidden desire.”
Panic beat her heart against her ribcage. He had said ‘forbidden,’ hadn’t he? She needed some answers. It was hard to think with him nuzzling his way along her neck and his nimble fingers working loose the tiny row of buttons running down the front of her nightgown. He was entirely too distracting, but she gathered her thoughts. “What’s forbidden, and why?”
He jerked like her words were a bucket of cold water. “This.” His expression turned sober. A moment later he jumped from the bed and began to pace around the room. “I …” He let the sentence die as shadows thickened, hiding him.
“No. Don’t go. Please answer my question. What’s forbidden?”
“My love for you, my desire, it is forbidden.” His disembodied voice floated to her from a different corner of the room. Even invisible, he still paced back and forth.
Times like this made her wish she could go invisible, too. “Go on, I’m listening.”
“I haven’t told you everything. I should have, but I was afraid.” His voice shook and she could hear the torment within his rumbling tones.
“Gregory, I know you withheld information when you said we shared one spirit.” Lillian stood and walked in the direction of his voice. “And I’m not so naive that I don’t see how much it hurts you to keep things from me. Talk to me. I promise I’ll try to understand, and even if I don’t understand it all, I’ll still accept it and you.”
He continued to pace, his feet padding softly against the carpet. His voice now came to her from near the bathroom door. “We are the Avatars of the Divine Ones.”
He’d said it like those eight words explained everything. A smile tugged at her lips. At least she’d pinpointed where he stood. “Explain what that means, my love.”
“As their Avatars, we wield a portion of their power. That same power always wishes to reunite and create, but we are forbidden to join outside of the Spirit Realm, for it is too dangerous. Any child we birthed would be more god than flesh.”
“I can see how that could be a problem.” The scent of gargoyle was stronger in the Northeast corner of the room.
“Duty was enough for us in the beginning. But over time we craved a closer link, like what we share in the Spirit Realm. More so than we had any right, we encouraged each other to deeper love. While the Divine Ones forbid us to mate with each other, we sometimes found orphaned younglings to raise. Or one of us would seek a mate elsewhere and bring the child back. Over the last few lifetimes we couldn’t even do that because something had changed.” He paused.
With her hand outstretched before her, she encountered his warm skin before she could see him. After a moment, the shadows hiding him receded and she found him still in human form, standing with his back braced against the wall, eyes staring unseeing at the floor. The need to hold him, to comfort him in whatever way she could, had her moving closer. She embraced him before he could bolt again. Then with an arm around his waist, she urged him back toward the foot of the bed. “Talk to me.”
He took a great, sighing breath and pulled her against his side as they sat on the end of the bed. “Six lifetimes ago, I had chosen a gryphon mate and was guarding the young when you came and dramatically claimed all of them as yours. And then, five lifetimes ago, I nearly killed your mate. You were a dragon, as was your mate. If he’d been of a more fragile nature, he wouldn’t have survived.”
“I was a dragon?” Lillian interrupted. While she did want to learn about her past, she was more interested in distracting Gregory from his melancholy. “Guess that would make me bigger and stronger than you,” she said with a lopsided grin.
“Superior size didn’t offer your dragon mate much protection from my wrath.”
Lillian’s smile wilted. So much for a lighter mood. “We chose mates in an attempt to resist the deep love growing between us, didn’t we? But it didn’t work, because jealousy got in the way.”
“Yes, and after those two disastrous events we wisely never tried again. We could do nothing but endure. If we weakened, even for a moment, and came together as lovers, it would lead to our deaths. The Divine Ones would have no option but to hunt us down. And there would be no rebirth this time.”
She rested her elbows against her knees. “I’m so sorry Gregory. If I’d known, I’d have …” She paused when she realized she didn’t know what she’d have done differently. He was in pain, and she wanted to help, but if what he said was true, and she had no reason to doubt him, he could never be with the one he loved. She couldn’t make the leap to picture herself as the Sorceress, his beloved. “I’m sorry.”
“Why? You couldn’t have changed anything.”
“No, but if I was your Sorceress, then she’d understand and share in your pain. You wouldn’t be so alone.” Her throat tightened. Gregory was the noblest man she knew. If anyone deserved a bit of happiness, it was him. She wasn’t the Sorceress he remembered, but perhaps she could still give him something he craved. Her fingers traced a line over the curve of his shoulder, down his arm and along the inside of his forearm.
“If I understand the restrictions correctly, it isn’t that we must remain chaste, instead we must ensure we never have a child together.” She caressed his side, and he shivered at her touch. The contrast of warm, soft skin over hard muscle stirred a great many longings. If there was any justice in the world, she would be free to give him what she sensed he most wanted—the love of his Sorceress and a child by her. But if that was forever denied him, perhaps she could give him something more than a few forbidden kisses. And if she was honest with herself, she’d wanted him since she’d first sensed the tenderness within his soul, wanted to kiss and stroke him, hold him within the protection of her arms while he was vulnerable.
He rumbled something unintelligible in her ear and then sat stiffly beside her. Oh, he had picked up on her train of thoughts. Her cheeks warmed.
“Gregory, I’m not familiar with the world you came from, but in my world there are things I can do to insure I don’t get pregnant. There are protections we can use … or ways to share pleasure without the risk of a child. I care for you and want to see you happy.” She paused and glanced up to his face.
“Protection?” In human form, his astonishment was all too easy to read by the way one eyebrow arched nearly to his hairline. His expression made her blush hotter. Unable to maintain his gaze, she ducked her head.
“Yes,” she cleared her throat, “Please don’t make me show you the visuals. Remember about embarrassing conversations—I might bolt.”
“I doubt whatever your world has invented will work in this situation. We are Avatars, and as such we carry the potential of creation within us. The two sides of our power yearn to be together and create.”
He stroked the side of her jaw and on down the column of her throat to rest his palm between the swell of her breasts. His fingers feathered lightly against her skin. Her lids fluttered shut at the heat his touch aroused in her. Warm breath caressed her face a moment before his rumbling voice broke over her.
“If we tried to come together as lovers our magic would assure fertility—we must ne
ver allow this to happen.” He got up and began pacing again. Between one stride and the next, his human form vanished and he was all gargoyle again.
Mortification burned hot in her soul. She plucked at her robe as she smoothed out the wrinkles, welcoming a distraction so she wouldn’t have to look up at him until she had her hormones under control. She’d just tried to seduce her gargoyle—again.
Another thought occurred to her, and anger awoke. “How could the Divine Ones be so cruel?” She folded her arms across her chest. “And their rules are pure bullshit. We’re not allowed to have a child because the child would be too powerful. Yet we’re so fertile that birth control won’t work. If we’re not allowed to reproduce, why the hell not make us infertile? Or disinterested in sex? I don’t understand why these Divine Ones would do this. Is our loyalty being tested or some shit like that? ’Cause if they reward their loyal servants with that kind of shit… .”
“It’s not like that,” Gregory replied as he came to stand in front of her. “The Divine Ones only ask us to endure what they themselves endure. All of creation stretches out between them, and if they were to reunite, it would unmake all they have made. As a way to overcome this problem, the great God and Goddess use our mortal bodies to bear their children. They imbibe us with their power and spirit, then in a moment of fire and ecstasy, we die as the Divine Ones birth their newest child into the Realms.”
“Holy shit! That’s supposed to make me feel better about all this?”
“It’s a great honor.”
“Fire and death. Some honor.”
Gregory sighed with annoyance and bumped her thigh with his tail. “You only say that because you don’t remember the pleasure …”
“Death… .”
“We have been reborn each time.”
Lillian frowned. “How many times have these Divine Ones knocked us up?”
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