Cleaning, like running, was good for me. It was mindless and numbing. It allowed me to focus on what was in front of me and not the horrors that haunted me every minute of every day.
I reached out and swiped my hand over the mirror, wiping away the condensation. My hazy reflection appeared before me. My eyes were red rimmed and purple shadows bruised the skin beneath them. I rarely slept these days and when I did nightmares haunted me. Well, not nightmares. Memories.
Memories were crippling.
In the last year I’d often wished for a magic wand that would erase my memory and take away all the painful things. The problem was everything was painful—the good, the bad, all of it.
I turned away, not able to take another second of looking at the girl in the mirror. I hated her and I didn’t want to be her.
I wanted to be someone new.
With a sigh I got dressed. Despite the last of the summer heat lingering in the air I dressed in ratty black jeans, a black t-shirt with a band name on it—a band I didn’t even know if I liked or not—and tied a checkered black and red shirt around my waist.
I lined my eyes in heavy black eyeliner—a shield from the world around me.
My dark brown hair curled around my shoulders.
I was ready to face the world, even if I didn’t want to.
I pushed open the bathroom door and found Thea sitting up in bed. She stretched her arms above her head and yawned.
“Morning,” she smiled brightly.
I nodded in acknowledgement.
“Are you still coming to the party?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. It would be rude to ditch her now and I was working hard at trying to be nice.
“I’m going to shower and go get something to eat. You wanna come with me?”
“Sounds good,” I forced a smile, sitting on the end of my bed. I knew if I was smart I would’ve left without her. I didn’t need Thea complicating my life. But selfishly I didn’t want to have to face the crowded campus alone, so that’s why I agreed.
She got up and gathered her stuff before going into the bathroom. A moment later I heard the shower come on.
I sat back on my bed and grabbed my computer. I flicked through some old photos, marking ones I wanted to edit later.
An hour later Thea was ready to go.
I laced up my boots and followed her out the door.
The dining hall was as loud as a concert when we arrived. Although, a concert I would’ve enjoyed. This…not so much.
I grabbed an orange and a bowl of cereal—Trix, because those delicious things weren’t just for kids.
Thea and I sat at a table with a few other people. They didn’t acknowledge us, and we pretended like they didn’t exist. That was college for you.
I didn’t mind being ignored, though. In fact, I preferred it. I didn’t like having to fake being interested in conversation when I wasn’t. I was trying to make an effort with Thea, to at least keep things civil since we had to live with each other, but there was no way we’d ever be best friends forever.
After all, forever never lasts.
“So,” Thea started, taking a bite of blueberry muffin.
I raised a single brow, waiting for her to continue.
“Are you wearing that to the pool party?” She eyed my clothes.
“Yeah.” What was wrong with what I was wearing? I wasn’t going to swim.
She wrinkled her nose with distaste, but didn’t say anything for which I was thankful.
“I’m glad you’re coming with me,” she smiled genuinely, seeming to forget my clothing choice. “Parties like this aren’t my thing,” she sighed heavily. “They’re not really my brother’s thing either, but he has a part to play. At least that’s what he tells me.”
I pushed my bowl of cereal to the side of the table and started peeling my orange. “Do I get to meet this mysterious brother of yours?”
She laughed, flipping her curly strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder. “Of course.”
“You seem fond of him,” I commented.
“I am.”
Something told me those were the only words I was going to get out of her. She didn’t know, but those two words gave me a wealth of knowledge. They told me that her parent’s probably weren’t great. Either they were abusive or strict. Thea had obviously come to rely on her older brother. She looked up to him.
Sometimes I wished I had a sibling I felt like that with, but then after everything that happened to me I’m sure I would’ve pushed them away like I did everyone else.
I couldn’t bear to be close to anyone anymore.
Emotions were complicated and messy.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Thea asked suddenly.
I shook my head and grinned. “Nope. I’m perfect. My parent’s had no need to reproduce a second time.”
Thea’s lips quirked into a smile and finally she laughed. “Wow. I didn’t know you had it in you,” she sobered. “You actually made a joke. I’m impressed. I’ll have to tell that one to my brother. He’ll argue that he’s the perfect one and I’m the pesky little sister.”
“I doubt that.” I might not have met her brother yet, but from everything she said it was obvious that they were close and he loved her.
We finished eating and headed back to our dorm so Thea could get ready.
The fact that she needed to primp again baffled me. She’d already spent an hour getting ready before we could get breakfast. I couldn’t fault her too much. Rachael had been the same way—concerned about having her hair perfect, her makeup done, and her clothes pristine. Rae didn’t give a shit.
She came out of the bathroom with a tank top and jean skirt overtop of a bikini. Thank God it didn’t take her another hour to get ready or I might’ve lost my mind.
“What time do we have to go?” I asked.
She looked at the clock beside her bed. “Now.”
“Great.” There was no enthusiasm in my tone.
Since Thea didn’t have a car, I drove. That was fine by me. It put me in control. If this thing sucked I could leave whenever I wanted.
We ended up at a community pool that had been closed off for the party. The place was already packed and I felt my anxiety grow. My hand tightened around the steering wheel—like as if I could sear myself to it and not have to go. This was the last place I wanted to be. Why had I agreed to this? Oh right, I was trying to be a good person.
Taking a deep breath I slipped out of my car and followed Thea over to the fence. She batted her eyes and told the guy standing there her name.
He waved us inside.
What the hell was this? A club? The guy was literally holding a clipboard and crossing off names.
Thea said hi to someone and then hissed under her breath to me, “God, I hate her. She’s such a bitch.”
“Oh look!” She clapped her hands together excitedly and pointed at two lounge chairs that were free. “Perfect spot!”
“Yippee,” I groaned.
She looked at me over her shoulder and laughed. “Most people would die to be at this party.”
“I’m not most people.”
“No, you’re not,” she agreed.
She dropped her tote bag on one of the lounges and I took the other. I looked extremely out of place in my grunge clothes compared to all the preppy hipsters surrounding me. Several people gave me dirty looks. I resisted the urge to show them my middle finger.
“Ignore them,” Thea said, catching on to what was happening.
“I am,” I told her.
I didn’t mind people staring at me when they didn’t know me. It was when they heard my story and looked at me with pity or horror that I couldn’t stand it.
“Oh! Look! There’s my brother!” Thea cried. “Cade!” She called. “Cade! Come over here and meet my friend!”
Ice slithered through my veins, wrapping around my heart and nearly stopping it.
First off: Cade? It couldn’t be...but I didn’t imagine there we
re very many Cade’s.
Secondly: friend? Since when were Thea and I friends? I didn’t know much about her besides the fact that she had a brother, didn’t have a major, and had horrible taste in colors.
“Hi,” a warm voice chuckled softly, “I’m Cade Montgomery.”
I knew that voice. Fuck.
I looked up slowly and there he was. “Cade.” He stood there smiling cockily, those dimples winking at me. His blue eyes sparkled with laughter—and I wasn’t sure if he was laughing at me, or with me, at the irony that he was Thea’s brother. Seriously, what were the freaking odds?
His smile widened as I stared at him. Despite introducing himself he’d known it was me sitting here. “Rae,” he replied. His eyes skimmed over my dark heavy clothes, but he made no comment on my lack of swimwear.
Thea’s mouth dropped as she looked between us. “You two know each other?”
Cade started to reply but I cut him off. “If being tackled to the ground by this ogre counts as knowing each other then the answer is yes.”
Thea’s brows furrowed. “You tackled her? I’m confused. Ohhh, is ‘tackled’ a code word for sex? I’m not good at reading between the lines.”
I shook my head. “He tackled me. As in the normal sense of the word tackled.”
“Why’d you do that?” She turned to glare at her brother.
“It was an accident,” he chuckled, scrubbing his hand through his longish hair. “I can see that you’ve recovered just fine.” He looked me up and down.
I rolled my eyes.
“So,” he smiled slowly, “how’ve you been Rae?”
I resisted the urge to snort since he’d seen me this morning. True, it wasn’t like we had chatted while we ran, but his question was still ridiculous.
I stretched my legs out on the lounger and closed my eyes. “I’ve been just dandy, and right now I’m in need of a nap.” I wasn’t one for small talk. Small talk led to long talk—was that even a thing?—and I wasn’t here to make friends.
I cracked on eye open and found Cade grinning down at me.
“Stop staring at me,” I groaned, opening both eyes. “I can’t sleep with you watching me.”
He chuckled and lifted his arms, encompassing the chaos around him. “How can anyone sleep with all this noise?” He crouched down beside me, in the space between the lounger I occupied and the one Thea was stretched out on. Lowering his voice so that there was no chance of Thea hearing, he said, “You can’t avoid me, Rae.”
“I’m not trying to,” I glared.
He stood up slowly and smiled crookedly. “See you in the morning,” he whispered.
And then he was gone.
Air whooshed out of my lungs. I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath.
“What the hell is going on between you and my brother?” Thea asked, slipping her sunglasses down her nose so that I couldn’t avoid her gaze.
“I have no idea.”
And that was the honest to God truth.
“I’m going to get a drink,” Thea sighed, standing up and adjusting her bikini top so that her ample chest was covered. “You want anything?”
“Something strong.”
She laughed. “I’m sure that won’t be problem.”
I received more stares once Thea left my side, but no one bothered me. I leaned back on the lounger and took several steady breaths to calm myself.
Once upon a time this had been my scene. My friends had been just like these people. And I’d been the girl over there in the pool clinging to her boyfriend’s shoulders.
But not anymore.
Apparently I’d been too happy and life had seen fit to toss a bucket full of misery my way.
The sunlight bathed Brett in a halo, making his red hair glow. He smiled at me and walked forward.
“I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”
“I’d never miss your birthday.” I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me squarely on the mouth in front of everyone.
“Stop sucking face,” Sarah groaned, “the rest of us want to party.”
With a laugh Brett pulled away, keeping a hold on my waist. “It’s good to see you too, Sarah.”
“It’s hot and I’m going swimming. Are you losers coming?” She looked at Brett and me, then at Hannah who hovered somewhere behind us shyly. “Come on,” she coaxed, stripping off her clothes down to her bikini.
Without waiting for any of us to respond she ran forward and jumped into the in-ground pool at Brett’s house. The pool was large, but with all the people at the party currently swimming it seemed smaller.
Brett grinned down at me. “You ready, Rachael?”
I smiled nervously. Brett knew I wasn’t a very good swimmer and it always made me nervous getting in the water.
“You won’t let go?” I asked, a slight begging tone to my voice.
“I’ll never let go,” he promised.
I nodded and he took my hand. Together—because the two of us had been inseparable since we were in diapers—we ran forward and jumped into the water.
Beneath its cool depths Brett’s arms wrapped around me and his lips smashed against mine.
For the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid to drown.
Thea sat down, a peculiar look on her face. “What’s wrong?” She asked.
“Nothing,” I sighed, taking the drink she offered me, and shaking off the remnants of the memory.
I took a sip. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it was definitely strong.
“Cade said not to accept a drink from anyone but him unless you get one yourself.”
I raised an eyebrow at her and lifted my drink. “Am I safe accepting this one from you?”
She laughed. “Yes. You’re hot and all, but I prefer guys.”
Laughter bubbled out of me. It felt strange and foreign, but good at the same time.
Thea’s smile was pleased, almost as if she sensed I didn’t laugh often.
I hadn’t wanted to make friends here.
I wanted to lay low, get my degree, and get the hell out of here.
But watching Thea and the other rowdy college students around us, I couldn’t help but wish for more. The real college experience. Not what I had planned to do which was basically shut myself up in my room when I wasn’t in class.
I knew it was stupid, but I felt like if I went on and lived my life that I was betraying the people I lost. Their lives were cut short, so shouldn’t mine be?
My therapist disagreed. Like my parents, he’d spent the last year or so trying to convince me to move on. I couldn’t.
I knew I had disappointed my parents with my inability to let it go. I hated seeing the pain etched on their faces, knowing that I was responsible for putting it there.
I knew they hoped that college would be good for me—that getting away from home and the glares from everyone that knew what I’d done would give me a chance to ‘spread my wings and fly’. My mom’s words, not mine.
Being away did help, but I still couldn’t escape the crushing memories. Not just what happened on that fateful day a year ago, but what happened before. I couldn’t escape the good times or the bad times and it was crippling.
“Do you ever think about the future?” Brett asked as we lay in the tall grass, gazing up at the stars.
I curled my body around his, resting my head against his chest where I could hear the steady thumping of his heart.
“What do you mean? Like, college?” I asked.
“No, about us…” He whispered, his fingers tangling in my hair.
Brett and I had been best friends since we were infants. We grew up in the houses next to each other, and since neither of us had siblings and were the same age we’d always played together. As we grew older that friendship turned into more. I couldn’t imagine my life without Brett in it.
“Well,” I wiggled, trying to get comfortable, “I see myself marrying you one day, preferably after college, and having cute little redhead bab
ies,” I laughed, reaching up to tangle my fingers in his hair.
“I want that too, Rachael. I want to grow old with you by my side.” Maybe it was a strong declaration to make at sixteen years old, but I knew Brett meant it. I never doubted his feelings for me. I knew he was it for me. I would never love another guy the way I loved Brett. It just wasn’t possible. This was once in a lifetime.
“Hey,” Thea snapped her fingers in front of my face. Once she had my attention she asked, “Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere,” I sighed, looking away so she couldn’t see the moisture in my eyes. I didn’t know what was making the memories so much worse today, but I had a pretty good idea that it had something to do with Cade and the feelings he stirred inside me.
She sat back on the lounger and eyed me. “You zone out a lot,” she stated.
It was true.
“Yeah,” I agreed. There was no point in lying.
She stared at me as if she was waiting for me to elaborate. She shouldn’t hold her breath.
Luckily I was saved from saying anything more thanks to the guy who showed up beside Thea. He grabbed a chair and smiled at me before turning his attention to her. Immediately her fair cheeks flared with a blush. She sat up and leaned towards him. I didn’t think she even noticed that she was trying to get closer to him.
I couldn’t blame her though. The guy was gorgeous, but he didn’t compare to Cade in my opinion.
He had light brown hair and heavy scruff covered his cheeks and chin but it wasn’t enough to be considered a beard. He had searing brown eyes and an easy smile. He seemed friendly enough and not a creeper. Thea seemed to know him.
“Hi, Xander,” she looked up at him and—I kid you not—batted her lashes.
“Thea,” he nodded, fighting a grin. “You are?” He lifted his gaze to me.
“Rae,” I answered, looking between the two. “Thea’s roommate.”
“Ah,” he nodded. “I’m Xander.”
“Oh,” She shook her head, as if just now realizing I was still here. “This is Xander,” she looked at me and pointed at the guy.
I laughed. “Yeah, he just told me.”
“Oh,” she said again and her cheeks reddened. “Right.” Biting her lip she looked at Xander and back to me. “Xander is a friend of Cade’s, we grew up together.”
Rae of Sunshine Page 3