Rae of Sunshine

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “Hey, it was a fair question,” I defended, giggling.

  Lying there wrapped in his arms, laughing about plumbing, I felt like Rachael again.

  Cade gave me myself back and I would never be able to repay him for that. I only hoped that my love was enough.

  twenty-six

  I stared at the outside of the cabin, wondering if it was really as nice as Cade claimed it was. It seemed so tiny—and I was now questioning whether or not he lied about the whole plumbing thing.

  Cade looked at me over his shoulder with a small smile as he slid the key into the lock. As the door swung open he used his large body to block what lay beyond from my view.

  Finally, he took a step to the side to let me pass.

  I stepped into the cabin and my jaw dropped. “Cade! This is amazing!” I gasped in awe. I hadn’t expected this, not at all.

  While small, it was stunning.

  A fire already roared in the stone fireplace, where two leather chairs were angled to face it.

  The bed was in the corner and covered in fluffy white bedding.

  There was a closed off area that I assumed was the bathroom and there was even a small kitchenette area.

  “You like it?” He asked, sitting our bags down.

  “I love it,” I spun around, taking in the wood clad walls and rustic chandelier. “I can’t believe you thought to bring me here.”

  He shrugged. “I knew it was close and I felt like we both needed to get away. Breathe fresh air, that kind of thing.” There was a sadness to his voice that had me worried.

  “Cade?” I probed. “What’s going on? Is something wrong?” I asked worriedly. I loved this man and I didn’t like seeing him so heart broken. I wrapped my arms around his neck, forcing him to look at me. “Talk to me.”

  “I feel bad…”

  “For what?” No way was I letting him off that easy.

  “For not going home, for not going pro and disappointing my dad, for lots of things,” he frowned. “But despite that,” a slow smile curved his lips as his hands wound around my waist, “I don’t regret being here with you right now.”

  I closed my eyes, leaning my head against his chest where his heart beat. “You don’t?”

  “No,” he kissed the top of my head. “This where I belong, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty.”

  I looked up at him, staring into his eyes. “Don’t ever feel bad for making the choices that are best for you. When you start living your life for someone else, it’s not your life at all.”

  “You’re right,” he agreed with a sigh.

  “You’re a good man, Cade,” I moved my hand to cup his stubbled cheek, “too good, sometimes.”

  He chuckled. “You flatter me.”

  “No,” I shook my head, “I’m honest.”

  He grinned, giving me a quick kiss on my lips. “You know, a few months ago I never thought we’d be standing where we are.”

  “Really?” I laughed, lightly poking his ribs in jest. “You sure were relentless in your pursuit to make me like you.”

  He threw his head back and laughed. “Yeah, I guess I was,” he agreed. Lowering his voice and running his fingers lightly over my cheek, he said, “But that’s only because I knew there was something between us—something that was once in a lifetime. I wasn’t going to let you get away so easily.”

  Before I could respond he crashed his lips to mine.

  There was nothing sweet about this kiss. This was pure passion and I loved it. I wanted more, so much more, with him.

  “Cade, please,” I begged, hoping he knew what I wanted and needed. I was too scared to come right out and say it.

  He tilted my head back, his tongue flicking against mine. “Tell me what you want, Rae,” he nipped at my bottom lip. “Whatever you want I’ll give it to you.”

  “You,” I breathed, slowly blinking my eyes open, “I want you, Cade.”

  “You have me,” he murmured, taking my lips once more.

  I pushed lightly at his shoulders and he pulled away enough to look at me.

  “You know what I meant.” My breath came out in soft pants. In this moment I felt so young and inexperienced, like a blushing twelve-year-old girl.

  He brushed his thumb over my bottom lip, his blue eyes darkening. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” I gasped, hating that there was an almost begging quality to my voice.

  Cade stared at me, and it was like he was giving me a chance to change my mind. When he saw that I was certain he picked me up and my legs wound around his waist. Our lips melded together. I smoothed my fingers through his hair as he carried me to the bed.

  I knew he hadn’t brought me here with this intent, but this place was perfect. I wanted to give him this final piece of my heart and not in some dorm room. This…this was right. This was the moment I hadn’t known I’d been waiting for.

  He laid me down carefully on the bed’s surface. His movements were tender, like he was afraid I might crack or break.

  He kissed me slowly and sweetly, but I could feel the desire building.

  My hands found their way under his sweater and he tugged it off, throwing it somewhere behind him.

  He spent minutes just kissing me, and I wondered if he was trying to torture me on purpose.

  I removed my shirt and when his hands went to the button on my jeans my hips bucked.

  “Cade,” I moaned his name, whimpering. My body was a bundle of nerves and his touch set me on fire. I’d never experienced anything like this in my life. This was one moment where no memories from my past would linger, because there was nothing to compare it to. This moment was ours.

  His eyes flicked up to meet mine and his gaze was so intense that Goosebumps broke out across my skin.

  He moved up my body, sprinkling small kisses along the way.

  His lips joined mine in a sensual dance and my hips lifted to meet his. Sweat dampened my skin as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

  When he pulled away for a breath, a confession tore from my lips. “I’m a virgin,” I panted.

  His whole body stilled and he moved his head to look at me. His breath tickled my face as he weighed his words carefully. “Are you serious?”

  I wanted to laugh at his silly question. “Why would I joke about that?”

  He stared down at me with a mixture of awe and confusion. “H-how? You had a boyfriend.”

  Running my hands up his solid chest, I confessed, “I was never ready, but I am now.” I leaned up just a little bit and whispered in his ear, “It was always supposed to be you. I see that now.”

  “Fuck,” he groaned, his fingers grasping the fabric of the bed covers beside my head. “Are you sure about this? I can wait, Rae. I swear to God, if you tell me to stop I will.”

  “I’m ready,” I spoke with surety.

  He removed the rest of my clothes slowly, covering every inch of my body with kisses.

  His touch was infinitely gentle.

  When we came together there was a little pain at first, but Cade was patient with me, letting me get used to it.

  Once the hurt disappeared I knew there had never been anything more magical in the world than sharing this moment with him.

  I rocked my hips against his and clung to his damp shoulders.

  Tears pricked my eyes—not because I was sad, but because I was so happy.

  Later, when I lay wrapped around his body, I didn’t feel like Rae or even Rachael. I felt like me and that was pretty great.

  ***

  “This is nice,” I murmured, leaning my back against Cade’s solid chest. The heat from the flames in the fireplace warmed my outstretched hands. I felt content, there was no part of my mind lingering on the past. Right now, I was living in the here and now. I hadn’t been able to do that in a long time. Cade gave me my life back.

  “You think so?” He nuzzled my neck, making me laugh when his scruff tickled my skin.

  Sitting here with him I felt so free. Like I could do an
d be anything—like I had a future that was no longer defined by an accident.

  “This is perfect. You’re perfect. How’d I get so lucky?” I leaned my head against his shoulder and looked at him.

  His eyes grew serious. “Most people would argue that we’ve both been very unlucky in life, but I often find myself asking the same thing, and it’s all because of you. You’re my Rae of Sunshine, and I mean that. Before you, I was a ghost in my own life. You woke something up in me.”

  I felt like I’d done nothing for him, but seeing the sincerity written all over his face kept me from rebuking him.

  We’d both been through a lot in our lives, and our time together had changed us for the better. It wasn’t by sheer dumb luck that I met Cade. It was fate, pure and simple. I owed a lot to that fumbled football and the man that crashed into me. He said I woke something up in him, but he’d done the same for me. My life had changed the moment Cade stepped into it. I wasn’t that girl hiding away from prying eyes anymore. He made me want to live, because I got this second chance at life. My mom had been right a long time ago when she told me just because my friends were dead it didn’t mean I was. I couldn’t see it then. I’d been too sullen and depressed. But now everything made sense.

  “What are you thinking about?” Cade asked, brushing his fingers through my hair. It felt good, and I leaned into his touch.

  “My mom,” I replied, closing my eyes, “about how she was right about so many things and I didn’t want to see it at the time.”

  “We rarely want to listen to our parents, but the truth is they usually know what they’re talking about.” His lips brushed against my ear with his words.

  “I want to go home,” I confessed, scooting away from him. It was something I’d been considering since my last appointment with Kathleen. “I want to see my parents and spend Christmas with them.” He saddened at my words and I hastened to add, “I want you to come with me. They’d love to meet you.” Actually, my parents knew nothing about Cade, but that needed to change. I had to stop trying to block them out of my life. We’d been close before the accident, but I’d pushed them away.

  “Really?” Cade brightened.

  “Yeah,” I nodded, smiling. I was growing more excited by the second as I thought about getting to see them again. “They’ll love you.” While they might not know about Cade right now, I knew I wasn’t lying. They’d both be thrilled that I’d moved on and Cade was such a good guy.

  He rubbed his hands together. “I’m thinking I should wear my sweater vest to meet them.”

  I paused, holding in laughter, unsure if I heard him right. “Sweater vest?”

  He frowned. “Don’t parents’ like a guy in a sweater vest? It means he has his priorities in order.”

  I had no idea what to say to that. Finally I responded with, “Why do you even own a sweater vest?”

  “Halloween party a few years ago,” he shrugged. “I went as a nerd.”

  I snorted. “Of course you did.” Patting his shoulder like I would a child, I said, “I think you should leave the sweater vest here.”

  He chuckled. “Fine, no sweater vest. Bummer.” He stood up, reaching his hand down for mine. “I think it’s time we ate some dinner.” Lowering his voice and grazing his lips against my ear, he added, “You know, restore our energy.”

  My cheeks colored as my mind was flooded with images of Cade above me and the feel of his body moving against mine. Despite the pain, it had been better than I imagined.

  He took my hand and led me to the kitchen. The refrigerator was fully stocked and he placed the items he wanted on the counter. He directed me to chop the vegetables while he made his ‘secret sauce’ and slathered two chicken breasts with it.

  It was all so normal. It made me imagine more moments like this with him, maybe one day at our own place, and even further in the future with cute blue-eyed children running around.

  I couldn’t help smiling at the thought and then tears pricked my eyes.

  From the moment of the accident I’d stopped thinking about a future for myself. I thought there was no life left for me, but I was so wrong.

  I could have it all.

  And just like everyone was always trying to tell me, moving on didn’t mean forgetting my friends, or Brett, or even my actions, it meant acceptance.

  “Hey,” Cade murmured, noting the single tear coursing down my eye. “What’s wrong, Sunshine?”

  I knew I could lie and tell him it was the onion making the tears, but I didn’t want to. I always wanted to be honest with Cade.

  “They’re happy tears, Cade,” I told him, leaning up to kiss his cheek right where his dimple was when he smiled wide. “I know now that I’m going to be okay and it feels so good to be free of it. I chained myself to that broken car and for a long time I thought my life couldn’t move past that, but it can. I know now that I’m going to be alright,” I rambled. “I don’t feel like I’m a horrible person anymore.”

  He wiped the tear away and tilted my head back to place a small kiss on my lips.

  “You’re a remarkable person, you know that?” He leaned his forehead against mine. “I’m so glad you can finally see what I’ve seen from the beginning. You deserve to see your true beauty, because it shines through in everything you do, Rachael.”

  Beauty.

  Happiness.

  Sunshine.

  It was all sort of the same thing, wasn’t it?

  They’d been masked by a dark cloud for me, for a long time now, but the storm had passed and now this Rae of Sunshine could truly shine.

  twenty-seven

  Waking up next to Cade was something I could get used to, especially when he made me feel so good. My body felt languid and relaxed. I was so comfortable in fact that I completely forgot about our plan to visit my parents until he mentioned getting ready.

  It was so nice in the cozy cabin that a small part of me was sad to leave. I hoped we could come back one day.

  We cleaned up and headed back to campus. If we were going to be gone at least a week we needed to pack more than we’d brought to the cabin. Cade dropped me off at my dorm before heading to his. He told me he’d be back to pick me up in twenty minutes.

  I hurried around my dorm room, packing everything I thought I might need. Really, I was just busying myself so I didn’t worry about going back home and what I knew it meant.

  I had to visit the graves.

  Kathleen was right, saying goodbye and acknowledging that they were gone was what I needed to gain true closure. I still felt terrified, even though I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to do.

  I didn’t bother to call my mom and tell her we were coming. I just couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it, even though I knew she would be thrilled. A part of me was still scared that I’d get there, panic, and demand that Cade turn the car around and take me back to campus.

  I sat on my bed, taking deep breaths.

  You can do this, Rae. There is nothing to be afraid of.

  My little speech seemed to help and I finished packing. I slung my duffel bag over one shoulder and my camera bag over the other.

  Cade was already waiting in the parking lot and he jumped out of the Jeep to help me with my bags.

  “What the fuck are you wearing?” I stopped dead in my tracks.

  He looked down at the blue shirt and sweater he wore. “What’s wrong with this? I didn’t think it was appropriate to meet your parents in my jersey. I was trying to dress up.”

  I could tell I’d offended him so I immediately felt bad. “It’s just…I’ve never seen you dressed like that before. I like it.” In fact, the dorky sweater was actually growing on me. There was something about it that was very much Cade in a weird way.

  He put my bags in the back and I climbed in the car. Bags of Cheetos, Trail-Mix, and Doritos covered the middle console.

  “Where did you get all this?” I asked.

  “My room,” he shrugged, messing with the radio station. “Som
etimes I get hungry and I like to have options.”

  “I can tell,” I laughed, eyeing all the bags.

  “I brought drinks too,” he pointed to the cup holder.

  “You’ve thought of everything.”

  He grinned, his dimples showing. “Of course. What road trip would be complete without snacks and hydration?”

  “It’s only a three hour drive, that’s hardly a road trip.”

  He raised his brows at me before flicking his gaze back to the road.

  “It is when you’re a guy and you’re hungry all the time. Now hand me the Cheetos.”

  I handed him the bag, and he started munching.

  Between bites, he said, “And since this is a mini road trip, I think we should sing at the top of our lungs to every song on the radio.”

  “I can’t sing,” I warned him.

  “Neither can I,” he flashed me a smile, orange flecks of Cheetos clinging adorably to his lips, “so it will be perfect. One of us won’t outshine the other.”

  “Alright, fine,” I agreed, not wanting to dampen the happiness between us.

  He turned the radio up and we started singing.

  I had to admit that it was pretty fun, even if we were both horrible.

  Life should be filled with more of those simple moments, where for a few minutes everything is perfect.

  ***

  Cade parked his Jeep in the driveway of the two-story brick home. It looked exactly as when I left, just a little more festive. My dad had hung the multi-colored lights and wreaths dotted every window.

  My hands shook with nerves, but I didn’t feel like running away, which was good. This was my home and I’d been wrong to think it was anything but.

  Cade glanced at me, but didn’t say a word.

  He was waiting for me to make the first move.

  I couldn’t help glancing to the right, where beyond the stretch of field lay Brett’s house. We used to run through the fields as children, laughing, scraping our knees, and enjoying life.

  I placed my hand against the window and closed my eyes. If I thought hard enough I could hear his laugh as we fell and rolled around in the tall grass.