WILLOW: How exciting, they are finding me a suitor. Anything else?
HUNTER: Your mother suggested coconut oil to Fitz. It’s a great lubricant for anal.
WILLOW: Hazel owes all of you.
HUNTER: Your sister mentioned something about visiting them next year.
WILLOW: As I told her, it all depends on how I feel by then. Thank you for picking up my parents.
HUNTER: Anything for you, gorgeous.
HUNTER: If you had a choice to live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
WILLOW: Anywhere?
HUNTER: Yes, anywhere.
WILLOW: That’s complicated. I’ve discovered that I enjoy traveling. Camping is fun. My life is in New York though. What about you?
HUNTER: I want to slow down. I’m attached to the city because my parents were born and raised here. My brothers live here. Fleeing is an option, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay away. Most importantly where do I go?
WILLOW: Brooklyn.
HUNTER: Brooklyn?
WILLOW: Yes, by the Hudson River. You can buy a property outside New York or maybe by the beach. Travel. See the world. You’re not even thirty, go and explore.
HUNTER: Do you want to come with me?
FITZ: What did you do?
WILLOW: Me?
FITZ: Hunter is taking time off to travel the world. He said, “Willow thinks it’s a great idea.” Do you actually think it’s a good idea? It’s a terrible idea. I have a law firm to run.
WILLOW: I didn’t do anything. Maybe you should go with him. Take a break from corporate America. I’m sure you can afford to hire people to cover for you.
HUNTER: What did you do?
WILLOW: Apparently, I have an ability to create havoc at the Everhart place. What did I do now, Hunt?
HUNTER: My brothers want my schedule so they can join me at a few stops. I wanted to do this alone.
WILLOW: Are you doing it then?
HUNTER: Yes, six months away. Two of them in Tibet. I’ll post the pictures in the group your sister opened on Facebook.
WILLOW: #Tripping
WILLOW: Hazel is driving me crazy with her new social media obsession.
HUNTER: I told you, she’s that annoying little sister who is so much fun you can’t hate her.
WILLOW: Enjoy your trip. I’m going to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving. You can reach me via Facebook.
HUNTER: Next time we should travel together.
WILLOW: Where would we go?
HUNTER: We can discuss it when we are living in the same city again.
WILLOW: Take care of yourself, Hunt.
WILLOW: Your brothers mentioned you went directly to Tibet, but the charms and magnets from different cities you’re mailing me tell a different story. Why?
WILLOW: Hello? Are you freezing me out?
WILLOW: The kettle and herbs from Japan are a good indication that you’re still alive.
WILLOW: Are you reading these texts? Maybe not. I love the pictures you’re uploading on our cloud. What’s with the beard?
WILLOW: Thank you for the Christmas presents. You’re right, miniature art is great for keepsakes and for a place like NYC. Hope you had a nice holiday.
WILLOW: I have an audition next week. Wish me luck!
WILLOW: I’m still wondering how is it that you don’t respond, and yet, you answer my texts with presents. Thank you for the four-leaf clover pendant and the note.
WILLOW: Guess what? I got the part. It’s a small production, but it works perfectly with the sitcom I’ll be filming this Spring.
WILLOW: What? A Sitcom? Yes, Hunter. Remember I was studying under Gabe Colt? Well, his son is setting up the studios and has a couple of shows that are going to be filmed here in New York. I went to an audition and got the part. She’s the best friend of the main character. I’m using my inner Hazel to play this character. My sister isn’t amused. It’s going to be great.
WILLOW: I have a temporary position at Everhart Industries. Scott needed a receptionist, and I could use the extra money. Hazel is worried I’m going to crack, I’m worried, too, but I’m holding it together.
WILLOW: I might have had a meltdown yesterday in the elevator. I’m never riding one ever again. It was a minor setback. I need running shoes.
WILLOW: Thank you for the running shoes.
WILLOW: Hazel wants to visit our parents after graduation. I told her she’s on her own.
WILLOW: Hazel thinks it’s time for us to be the grown-ups and look after them. The mere thought of having to deal with them confuses me. It’s helping me learn how to deal with my mood swings though.
WILLOW: I’m still thinking about the visit with my parents. Do I want to see them?
WILLOW: You haven’t posted anything on the cloud. Should I assume the Tibetan temple is your last destination for a while?
WILLOW: I can’t deal with the idea of seeing my parents.
WILLOW: I wish you were available so we could talk about a few things. My therapist’s asking, “But, how do you feel about it?” is not helping at the moment.
WILLOW: Gramps had bronchitis. I didn’t even know he was asthmatic. Hazel mentioned a few stays at the hospital in the past. I feel guilty for not being around them as much in the past.
WILLOW: Someone stopped me on my way to the subway. I thought I had lost something, nope. She asked me for my autograph.
WILLOW: Two requests for autographs in a week is a good sign, isn’t it?
WILLOW: Scott went out with the same girl twice. We’re calling it progress.
WILLOW: I lost a bet. I thought Scott would last with Roxanne for at least five dates. They didn’t even finish the third.
WILLOW: Hazel met a guy. I wish you were here to bet on how many dates they’ll go on before it goes south.
WILLOW: Being reasonable is one of my goals. As in trying to understand others before you go and lose control. It was hard to keep in mind when it was snowing, and another woman tried to take my cab. She fucking punched me and split my lip. The therapist told me to distract myself from the emotional pain—there was no emotional pain, my fucking lip was throbbing.
WILLOW: Hazel brought me ice cream to dissipate the pain.
WILLOW: Today was a bad day. Those practice skills my therapist insists I use didn’t work. It was during an audition. I had my lines memorized and they said that the role I was auditioning for had already been cast. The pressure in my chest became unbearable. I left the place without uttering a word. Now that I think about it, I should’ve stayed and tried for the other role they offered. I just couldn’t control the anger. I felt betrayed, which now that I see things clearly makes no sense.
WILLOW: Some days going on forums to read stories of other people with my disorder is devastating. Others I feel like I’m not alone.
WILLOW: I wish I stayed at home today. Exposing myself to emotions I can’t tolerate, but having to tolerate, is like performing hara-kiri. But I can only learn how to cope with the emotional turmoil if I experience them and learn to tolerate them. The paradigm.
WILLOW: Life is a sequence of ironies. I got a script for a movie about a woman with BPD. Playing the best friend of the main character didn’t appeal to me. I had to decline it. I honestly didn’t read it. What’s the point when the beauty of my job is escaping reality?
WILLOW: I said the wrong words during therapy. I noticed I texted them to you, too. My love for acting isn’t only about the escape from reality.
WILLOW: Hazel ended things with the guy she started dating last month. I should stop betting. I was hoping she’d have broken things off after the second date. He seemed too boring for her.
WILLOW: Hazel went to a wedding in North Carolina, and she took Scott as her plus one. Gramps and I went to DC where it’s warmer.
WILLOW: I’m going to save enough money so when I grow old, I can live in a warmer place.
WILLOW: I miss your pictures, when are you coming back?
WILLOW: I’m searching for a place
inside myself where I can be fully functional. It appears to be harder than it sounds. But I believe I’m progressing.
WILLOW: After browsing through all our texts, I fear I’m boring you. I should’ve told you more about Fitz’s hysterical dates.
WILLOW: Scott and Gramps are fighting for who is going to keep Hazel once she graduates. Did you know Scott is the one who pulled a few favors so Hazel could transfer schools right away?
WILLOW: I can’t deal with the idea of seeing my parents. It came up again during dinner, and Gramps agrees we should see them. Ugh, help.
WILLOW: My therapist says I’m at that stage where I have to deal with my emotions and traumatic experiences from the past. Hazel’s idea to visit my parents might not be so bad.
WILLOW: Correction, the visit is a terrible idea. But I will have to deal with it.
WILLOW: Despite everything, I’m content.
HUNTER: Happy Birthday!
WILLOW: You’re alive!
HUNTER: Of course. How are you, gorgeous?
WILLOW: Happy to hear from you. When are you coming back?
HUNTER: It all depends on when I’m done with work.
WILLOW: Wait, work?
HUNTER: I’m making a few stops to meet with a few prospects and our current clientele.
WILLOW: Come back soon.
HUNTER: I’ll try my best. Keep texting. I enjoy hearing from you. Are you still avoiding elevators?
WILLOW: No. Fitz and Hazel dragged me through the city riding elevators.
HUNTER: What happened to visiting your parents over the summer?
WILLOW: The debate is continuous. She’s convincing Fitz to join us.
HUNTER: Overall, how is today?
WILLOW: It’s a good day. We are having a fancy dinner at my grandfather’s. Your brothers will be there.
HUNTER: I’m glad this is a good day. Keep me updated and have a wonderful day.
WILLOW: You too, thank you for remembering.
HAZEL: My graduation is next week. I’d love if you can be here.
HUNTER: I can’t, buttercup. Unless you remind Fitz that slavery is frowned upon in most countries.
HAZEL: He says it’s up to you.
HUNTER: Yes, if I go to your graduation, I have to come back to finish the rest of my international affairs.
HAZEL: You’re having an affair?
HUNTER: You’re ridiculous.
HAZEL: That’s why I’m your favorite person.
HUNTER: Sorry to break it to you, but Willow is my favorite person in the entire world.
HAZEL: I know. You should tell her.
HUNTER: Did your sister get her graduation present?
WILLOW: Yes, you’re the best. I’ve never been to France. Thank you for including me.
HUNTER: That’s the plan. I want to see all those #travelingsisters or is it #sisterfun? I can’t remember.
WILLOW: Stop encouraging her.
WILLOW: Did she tell you we are going to Brazil at the end of June to visit our parents?
HUNTER: Are you ready for that?
WILLOW: I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but it’s time to face them. I have so many questions.
HUNTER: Everything will be fine. Trust me.
#TRAVELINGFUN
To find your future, sometimes you have to detach yourself from your past and your present.
~ Hunter Everhart
Hunter
IT’S MIDDAY, SUMMER, the air heavy with the smell of fuel, garbage, and sweat. One conclusion I came to after these past months is that airports are the same all over the world. The sea of faces going down the stream or lined up as they wait to check in, go through security or waiting for transportation. In the background, the voice of a recording calls out, reminding you to “be aware of your surroundings, to never leave your luggage unattended or report any unattended baggage.” Then there’s sporadic paging to passengers who should report to the luggage area, ticket area, or some other place.
In the arrivals’ gate, there’s a mixture of excited and bored people, all of them expecting their loved ones. A couple of children holding a sign that read, “Welcome home, Dad.” Others waiting with flowers and there’s always that big group with music, balloons, and food. It must be nice to arrive home and have your loved ones receive you with a hug. Walking past the security area, I spot Scott who is enthralled by his telephone. He’s standing under one of the big plasma screens, announcing arrivals or departures. Jensen, who is right next to him, waves at me. His face is like the one of a father seeing one of his grown children for the first time in years. It hasn’t been that long, only six months. But of the four of us, I’m the only one he used to see every day.
The moment Scott sees me, he puts away his phone and walks toward me.
“Finally, it was a long trip, asshole,” my brother says, hugging me tightly.
“Missed you, too, fucker.” I pat his back.
“I can’t believe you survived the flight.”
“I bought the fucking T-shirt.” I chuckle. My flight had been delayed five times. There was turbulence throughout most of the journey. I have been trapped in a confined space for hours with hundreds of people. Was it terrifying to be thousands of feet off the ground? You bet. Did it occur to me to jump off the plane? Several times. Nevertheless, I was eager to arrive home.
“No one died, and the air marshal didn’t have to handcuff me.”
He arches an eyebrow. “Harrison has been on standby waiting for the call from the Department of Defense. We’ve had the bail money set aside. You were stranded in the airport for hours. We expected nothing less than an attempt to jump off the airplane. We have a wager going about the location where you’d attempt to skydive. Jensen won, he’s the only one who believed in your self-control.”
I laugh with zero humor, arching an eyebrow. “Fucker!”
Turning to Jensen, I greet him. He grabs my shoulders and looks at me from head to toe. “And a nine-hour flight and you are calm. Who are you, kid?”
“The same guy.” I pause, grinning at him, tapping my head. “With a few adjustments.”
DBT only helped me to search for something bigger than therapy and push away the ghosts inside of me. It wasn’t a cure I wanted because there is none. I have found a way to live with myself. To understand who I am and who I can be. My brothers thought I’d lost my shit when I told them my plans.
“He’s having a nervous breakdown,” Scott joked.
“Call his doctor,” Fitz seconded it, and Harrison pretended to dial the phone.
Their reaction was understandable and also a way to open the communication between us. Since my parents died, I’ve depended on them for everything. Not a day went by when they didn't have to stay with me for hours, assuring me we weren’t going to die and that nothing bad would happen in our home. Taking a step outside the house was unusual for me; backpacking around the world and then staying in Tibet was completely out of character. I called it a necessity to grow. Since my parents died, I didn’t have those long talks about sex, love, financial stability or a career with my father. Mom never said, “That’s a cute girl, but don’t forget to be respectful.” Everything they covered included cartoons, video games, and the next X-games.
Talking about life, expectations, and what I should do if I fell in love was supposed to be covered at a later time. College didn’t exactly prepare me for life. My brothers could only cover so much because I refused to go outside of my safety area. Now, I think I know who I want to become. Some things that I do are part of myself, my making, and I learned to be comfortable with them. That’s the key to this entire journey. Be whoever I want to be and be happy.
During the months I was away, my brothers and I exchanged letters where I thanked them for stepping into a role they never expected, for becoming my anchor, caring, and fighting to keep me from our nearest relatives. They fought because splitting up our family wasn’t an option. Our parents would’ve hated it. The three of them had planned to join me on this tr
ip, I declined the offer and pretended I only headed to Tibet. I’m sure they figured out the truth, but I continued sending the letters through Jensen.
My break up with Willow was painful. I regretted it immediately. Only hours after saying goodbye to her, I wanted to beg her to take me back. There wasn’t a day I didn’t have half a mind to barge into her home and claim her. Keeping my distance from Willow proved more difficult than I imagined. There were moments where I made up scenarios on how I could apologize, like explaining it had been the anxiety talking. That we could work things out as we had before. Making up an evil twin was right next to “an alien abducted me and forced me to say something stupid.”
I didn’t use any of those excuses. There’s a saying that two wrongs don’t make a right. It is an incomplete phrase. Two wrongs can only make a right if they work and help each other. For me to go back, I had to find a way to help myself first.
Day and night, I wished to turn back time. I wished to have her in my arms. I missed her every second.
In spite of all my wishes, I focused on myself, ignoring the ache of missing Willow. It didn’t matter where I went; I was surrounded by her essence. It happened all the time and everywhere. When I saw the pile of my mother’s DVD collection accumulating dust in the corner of my room, I wanted to run back to Willow. Walking through the streets of New York, I was reminded of her and our time pretending to be tourists. It wasn’t easy to overcome my anxiety while chasing the demons and repressing the memories Willow and I made throughout the city. One day, I decided to change my routes, take alternate roads. From there, I started to go to other cities over the weekend. Then, it continued with states, until I embarked on a bigger journey. Finding myself, who I wanted to become and fighting the demons that haunted me for so long. Ignoring them only helped sometimes. The anxiety hit me often.
I now think of myself as an emotionally resilient person. Life comes with a big allotment of challenges. Finding the tools to face them daily was worth it.
All of You All of Me Page 17