by Coe Booth
Leesa, the hairdresser, combs the cream into the hair at the back of my head. “Look at your kitchen,” she says. “Why you wait so long to come in and get a touch-up?”
“I was too busy,” I tell her. “I was doing a play at school.”
“Well, your hair is starting to break, and don’t you want your hair to grow?”
I sigh. “Yeah.”
She works the cream into my whole head for so long, and even though it’s starting to burn, I don’t say anything because I don’t wanna have to sit that close to Nana, right at the next sink, and feel her eyes on me.
“It ain’t burning yet?” Leesa asks me, using her large hands to smooth my hair back and, man, does it sting now.
I make a face. “A little.”
“Girl, why you ain’t tell me?” Leesa laughs. “C’mon before you have more straight hair in the sink than on your head!”
As I pass Nana’s chair, she gives me that look, and this time I give her a look right back. It kinda makes me mad that she don’t believe me. I mean, what did I ever do to make her not trust me? It’s not fair.
Nana is done before me, and she tells Leesa to just blow-dry my hair and not worry about styling it because we gotta go. I don’t say anything, because I know she’s just trying to get to me, or punish me for coming home late last night, but that’s okay. Fine. Anyway, I don’t need to get it styled all fancy when Nana don’t like me to wear my hair out for school because she says it makes me look too grown. Like wearing my hair back in a ponytail for the rest of my life is gonna keep me from growing up.
When we get outside in front of the shop, Nana says, “Hurry up, we have to stop by the store, and you know how crowded it gets on Saturday.”
“Why are we rushing?” I ask even though I don’t really wanna talk to her.
“I told you, Clyde is coming over for dinner. And we have a lot of cleaning to do. Can’t have that man coming into that pigsty.”
I sigh loud. “Do I have to go shopping with you? I don’t want anything.”
“You want to eat, don’t you? When you open that refrigerator and don’t see your special kind of yogurt, you’re the first person to whine about it. Well, where do you think the yogurt comes from? ”
“God,” I say under my breath. Like she can’t just buy my yogurt for me. Like it’s too heavy for her to carry or something.
I’m actually glad when we get home and start cleaning because at least I can stay outta Nana’s way. While she’s in the kitchen, I start cleaning the living room. And when I find one of Renée’s T-shirts behind the couch, everything starts to come down on me again. It’s just like last night, only now everything feels even more real. Because it’s that day. The day Renée’s moving into her new little apartment in Harlem. The day Nashawn and Adonna are going out on their big date.
I turn the vacuum cleaner on real fast so Nana won’t hear me crying, and I keep my back to the kitchen so she can’t see my face and start asking questions again. It’s so hard, thinking about everything. Being here in this apartment with Nana and knowing nothing’s gonna change. It hurts. And it hurts that I was so stupid and desperate with Nashawn and now there’s no way to go back and change anything. I did what I did. I can’t hit the undo button.
At around six o’clock, I ask Nana if I can go downstairs and see Kenny. The whole place is clean and Nana’s busy making lasagna, which I know won’t taste nearly as good as Grandma’s, but Clyde won’t know the difference. He’s probably all in love and won’t care.
“I don’t want you sitting in that truck all night,” she says, looking at the clock on the microwave. “And after what time you got home last night—”
“It’s not all night. I just wanna say hi to my father.”
“Your father.” She shakes her head. “I’m giving you an hour, and don’t let me look out that window and see you doing something you’re not supposed to be doing.”
“Yes, Nana.” Sometimes, I think she just carries on because she can’t think of anything else to say to me. It don’t matter to her how ridiculous she sounds, either.
A few minutes later, I’m sitting on a stool inside Kenny’s truck. It’s hot in there even though he has the a/c on, because he has to keep sliding the window open every time somebody comes to buy something, and that’s, like, every minute.
“I can’t even keep these sodas cold, people are buying them so fast,” Kenny says, using a box cutter to open up another case of sodas and sticking them in the freezer. “Hope they get cold fast in there, ’cause people ain’t gonna buy no warm soda.”
“What time did Adonna leave?” I ask him, trying to sound like my question is no big deal.
“You mean with that knucklehead little boy she was with?”
“Nashawn was here? At Bronxwood?”
“Nashawn, huh? That’s his name?” He laughs. “Yeah, he was here. He picked her up about two, two thirty. Something like that. She didn’t even introduce me to the boy, though. She had on some short shorts, and she walked with that boy to his broke-down hooptie like she was showing off a new dog or something.”
He laughs again. But all I can think is that Nashawn was here. Not that I expected him to visit me or anything, but still. It’s weird that at the same time I was cleaning up and thinking about him, he was probably right upstairs, or out here on the street.
And how many people saw them together? Were Adonna and Nashawn walking around holding hands or something? I mean, it’s like she’s getting the part of him I want, the guy that shows up at your apartment to pick you up and take you out on a date. And what did I get? Definitely not that guy.
And now I’m sitting here wondering what he was wearing and how he looked and smelled and what him and Adonna are doing now. Right this minute. It’s like I can’t turn my brain off all of a sudden.
“What’s Renée up to?” Kenny asks. “Got her nose in a book?”
“Huh?” I have to shake away what I was thinking about and focus on Kenny. “Um, no, she’s not here. She’s moving into her new apartment today, some small studio in Harlem, not too far from City College.” Tears fill my eyes so fast I can’t stop them. “She don’t want me to live with her. Because if she did, she wouldn’t have picked such a small place.”
Kenny drops the box cutter. “Damn. You crying?”
“No, I’m okay.” I wipe my eyes. “Nothing to cry about. Nothing changed. I’m still where I was before, right?”
Kenny comes over and puts his hands on my waist and stands me up. Next thing I know, he’s hugging me tight.
“You talk to her about this, about how you feeling?”
“No,” I say, burying my head into his chest and breathing in his soapy smell. “She told Nana she wasn’t ready for me.” I start crying harder now. “She don’t want me.”
“C’mon, Babe. Calm down. It’s just for a while, ’til she gets herself settled down probably. It’s hard being a college professor, even for someone smart like Renée. Just give her a little time.”
I don’t say anything else, but it’s hard hearing about how Renée needs time. I can’t even remember how long I been hearing that. She needs time, just give her time, on and on.
The only thing about time is, I’m running out of it. Did anyone ever think about that?
I stand like that, wrapped in Kenny’s arms for a little while longer, trying to let go of everything and just be comforted by him. And it’s kinda working, too, until outta the corner of my eye, I see them, Adonna and Nashawn, walking together toward our building, across the street from Kenny’s truck. Adonna’s talking and Nashawn’s smiling, and it’s too much for me to see. All of a sudden my mouth gets real dry and I can’t hardly breathe anymore.
For some reason, I have to know what they’re talking about. What is she saying to him that’s so funny? I mean, it’s killing me how he can walk down the street with a different girl and act like everything is just so normal, like he wasn’t with me yesterday.
“What’s the matter?�
� Kenny asks, looking outta the truck at what I’m seeing. “Oh, look who’s back.”
My tears are streaming down my face now and I don’t even try to control them. It’s hopeless. Why fight it?
Kenny’s staring at me. “Babe, what’s up?”
But I’m still watching them, seeing how close Adonna’s legs are to Nashawn’s and how she’s almost touching him while they walk.
“Babe, what, you like that dude or something?” And he grabs my hand and tries to pull me back, away from the window.
But I don’t let him. “Kenny, I’ll see you later, okay?” I wipe my face as best I can and walk outta the back door, down onto the street.
Nashawn and Adonna have stopped walking now and she’s leaning against the fence and they’re talking. I wanna stop and ask them what movie they went to see, and why they’re back so early. But I can’t, not crying like this. I don’t want Nashawn to see me this way. And what would I tell Adonna? How would I explain it to her?
So I walk as fast as I can down the path to our building, hoping they won’t see me and I can get into the lobby without having to face them.
“Kendra!” Adonna yells from across the street. “Slow down.”
But I act like I don’t even hear her and walk faster than before.
“Babe.” It’s Kenny this time. “Hey, what’s the matter?”
I’m almost at the lobby door now, and, of course, this guy from the third floor is inside leaning against the door like he’s the only one that lives in the building. He’s talking on his cell phone, and through the open window I hear him saying something about how his girl isn’t treating him right and he’s gonna have to find someone new. And he’s laughing about it, like none of it matters.
I kick the door with my foot and he still takes his time moving away and letting me in. When he does, I fly past him to the elevators and don’t even turn to see if Adonna and Nashawn are coming after me or if Kenny is.
All I wanna do is get in that elevator and not deal with any of this or any of them. I just wanna get inside my apartment and forget about this whole day. Because today is as bad as it gets.
TWENTY-NINE
About fifteen minutes later, my doorbell rings and I know for a fact it’s Adonna. The second I open the door, she’s like, “What’s your problem? I know you heard us calling you out there.”
Only thing is, by now I’m not in the mood for her, so I just fold my arms in front of me.
“You gonna let me in or what?”
I suck my teeth and step aside so she can come in, still not saying anything to her.
“What’s up with you today?” She looks around—probably for Nana, who’s in the shower, getting ready for her man. “Why you acting so weird—I mean, even weirder than usual?”
I shrug. I’m getting real tired of having to explain everything to her, and her thinking she’s my mother or something. I don’t even have to talk to her if I don’t wanna.
“Oh, I get it,” she says. “You got an attitude today.”
Like she’s the only one that can get an attitude.
“Well, fuck you, then,” she says.
“Fuck you, too,” I say finally. “Or is it too late? Did you already get fucked today?”
I watch Adonna’s face get kinda shocked. “Oh, so that’s it. You’re jealous of me and Nashawn. Me and him went out on one fucking date, and, what, just ’cause you can’t get a man, I’m supposed to babysit you all day and not have any fun on my own?”
There’s something about the way she’s looking at me, like I’m some kinda child, makes me wanna tell her about me and Nashawn and what we were doing when she called him last night. Just to see her lose some of that superior attitude because, really, it’s making me sick today.
“You keep on having fun with Nashawn,” I tell her. “Just as long as you don’t think you’re the only one he’s having fun with.”
She puts her hands on her hips and stares at me for a while. “You got something to tell me, then just say it.”
I keep my voice cool and confident. “I’m just saying, maybe you don’t know your man the way you think you do.”
“You keeping another secret, Kendra?” she asks. And I think it’s working. I’m starting to get to her. She’s not only mad now, but she’s kinda worried, too. “Like the one about you and Nashawn hanging out together in the computer lab that day?”
“Whatever.” I just shrug, really liking watching her this way, with no control over me.
“I can’t believe you’re being such a bitch,” she says, her voice getting louder. “I hope Darnell knows what kinda girl he’s getting. If he still wants your ass.”
I turn around to make sure the bathroom door is still closed. Because that’s the last thing I need right now, Adonna yelling out Darnell’s name when Nana’s already convinced I was with him last night.
I lower my voice a little bit. “Leave Darnell outta this. It’s not about Darnell.”
“Then why don’t you keep Darnell and stay outta me and Nashawn’s business?”
I wanna say, Nashawn is my business. But I don’t. I can’t.
“Just go, Adonna. It’s not like I asked you to come here or anything.”
Adonna shakes her head while she looks at me. “You are such a baby. All that time I spent trying to get you to grow the fuck up and, look, you’re right back to where you were before, even after all the work I did.”
“The work you did?” I’m screaming now.
“Yeah, you don’t remember the way you used to look and dress? And act? Like a fucking retard. I didn’t even wanna be around you then. You embarrassed the shit outta me.”
“And what, you wanted to help me? Just so long as I didn’t end up looking as good as you, right?”
Adonna makes a short laugh, and she starts doing her neck. “You could never look as good—”
“That’s not what your man thinks.” Then I put my hand over my mouth. “Oops, that’s another secret.” I’m smiling now. “Your man probably didn’t tell you who was with him last night when you called him, did he?” I shake my head. “I am so bad at keeping secrets. I really need to work on this.”
As good as she is, trying to act like I’m not getting to her, she can’t do it. For a couple of seconds, it looks like she don’t even know what to say or do. But her eyes give her away. She’s mad as hell and she’s hurt. She can’t cover it up fast enough. I mean, maybe her friends at school wouldn’t be able to tell, but I can.
“Where were y’all?” she asks. “Still at school? ’Cause I know he wanted to work out and you had that thing with the set.”
That last part is more to herself than me, and I don’t answer one way or another. Let her think what she wants. Whatever makes her happy.
“Oh, you’re not talking now?” she asks.
“If you really wanna know where we were, I’ll tell you, but you’re not gonna be happy, believe me.” When she don’t say anything one way or another, I just let it out. “I was at his house when you called.”
Adonna’s mouth flies open for a second before she catches herself and tries to act all cool again. “What are you talking about?”
But I’m not finished yet. “We were in his room. In his bed.”
She moves closer to me and, for a second, I think she’s gonna grab me or hit me or something. But she don’t. She just gets in my face and says, “You’re a ho now? Is that what you’re saying?” She’s practically spitting in my face, she’s so close.
I step back and say, “Why don’t you take your skanky ass outta here?”
“Look who’s talking!” she screams, moving closer to me again. “You wanna be a ho, fine. But least you could find your own man.”
That’s when the bathroom door opens and Nana practically flies out. She’s in a towel with a shower cap on her head, and she’s barefoot and still all wet.
“What is going on out here?” she yells, coming down the hall. “Babe, Adonna—what’s all this screaming and carry
ing on about?”
Adonna puts her hands on her hips again. “Ask her!”
“Shut up,” I say, giving her a dirty look, warning her not to open her big mouth about anything in front of Nana.
Lucky for me, Nana don’t give her a chance to say anything. She goes straight for the front door and opens it, not even caring that she’s standing in front of the door with hardly any clothes on.
“Adonna, it’s time for you to go,” she says.
Adonna glares at me for another couple of seconds, then says to Nana, “You better talk to her. ’Cause the way she’s going, there’s gonna be another baby up in here.” And she turns and walks through the door like she’s all that.
Me, I just stand there. Heated. My heart is racing and I’m breathing hard. I’m scrambling, trying to figure out what just happened and why. Why did I tell Adonna all of that? What’s the matter with me?
I can’t sort things out fast enough, because Nana closes and locks the door. Then, just like I knew she would, she starts in on me. “What was that about?” Her voice is still raised. “I could hear you girls yelling and screaming from in the shower. Probably half the building heard y’all. Is this how I raised you? To act like that girl, whose own mother couldn’t raise a chicken with any kind of home training. And what the fuck does she mean, another baby? And don’t tell me ‘nothing’ or I swear to Christ I will go upside—”
My heart is still pumping and I can’t catch my breath. I look down at the floor for a few seconds, trying to find the right words to calm her down. But I can’t. It’s over.
So I just look up, stare her right in the eyes, and say, “Nothing.”
And she’s on me in half a second, using both hands to slap and punch me in the head and the face and, when I turn away, the back. “Tell me,” she keeps saying over and over. “You better tell me or I’m—” Her towel falls off, but that don’t even slow her down a little.