Max and the Snoodlecock

by Zachry Wheeler

  “Max of Earth! You concede that your feeble intellect is no match for the mighty Suth’ra! You recognize that every member present is your cerebral superior! Your victory over Halim was a fluke, a farce, a serendipitous brain fart of epic proportions!”

  Max shifted his lips. “Okay.”

  “You shall live out the rest of your pitiful days with this cold and humiliating knowledge! You shall bathe in despair knowing that we exist solely to amplify your simplicity! You shall look back on this very moment and know, beyond all else, that we are smart, and you are stupid!”

  The courtroom held its breath with all eyes laser-focused on the Earthling.

  Max cocked his jaw and shrugged. “Okay.”

  Fio shot his hands into the air. “Then it is done!”

  The crowd jumped to its feet and erupted with ferocious applause. Shouts and whistles echoed around the room as attendees cried tears of elation. Fio lowered his open palms, muting the ruckus. He gestured to Jerry, who climbed to his feet and cleared his throat.

  “The accused has accepted the Final Verdict and is thus dismissed. Thank you all for attending and have a pleasant evening.”

  The house lights flickered on, cueing a mumbled ruckus as attendees shuffled around their seats and gathered their belongings. The council members lowered their hoods and broke away for subsequent reviews. Fio indulged in a backstretch and grumbled his way off the bench. Jerry scooped a pile of papers and stuffed them into a satchel. Max remained in the white circle, wearing a befuddled expression.

  “That’s it?” he said.

  “That’s it,” Jerry said.

  “I can go?”

  “You can go.”

  Jerry tossed the satchel over his shoulder and lumbered off the platform, causing it to groan underfoot. As the final attendee departed, a gaggle of Sixes entered the courtroom with buckets and cleaning supplies, sporting frilly aprons atop their crimson dresses. Rutherford Six, still guarding the main entrance, grinned and moseyed towards the center of the room. The holding cell crackled and faded, freeing the rest of the group. Phil sighed as he puddled onto the floor, relieved to be rid of his cramped confines. Zoey and Perra rushed over to Max and wrapped him in a giant bear hug. Steve flapped over to a council seat, causing it to swivel with momentum. He clucked and flapped as the chair spun in circles. Ross continued to groom his nethers, unaware that the barrier had dissipated. Hy-D joined the other Sixes and started gathering trash around the room.

  “I’m so happy you’re okay,” Perra said as they pulled away from the embrace.

  “What the hell was that all about?” Zoey said, glancing at the bench.

  Max shook his head. “I haven’t the foggiest—”

  “Ego,” Rutherford Six said as she strolled up. “It was all about ego. Nobody cared about Halim. They just couldn’t stand the fact that a non-Suth’ra outsmarted him.”

  Zoey ruffled her brow. “You mean to say, that this entire ordeal ... was just to publically shame Max?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “But, he doesn’t even care.”

  Max confirmed with a nod.

  “Doesn’t matter. Perception is everything to them. Now they can get back to work knowing that they are the rightful masters of the universe.”

  Perra tilted her head and gnawed her lip, struggling to digest the reveal. “How ... utterly unnecessary.”

  “It’s the nature of the awkward genius. All they know is what they study, which is why they’re here. It’s also why they’re exceedingly insecure. They just needed to right the brain ship, so to speak, even if it was mostly theatrical.”

  Zoey huffed. “The fat one dressed up in a bondage suit and shot at us.”

  Rutherford Six shrugged. “Well, not everyone can be as even-tempered as Phil over there.”

  They all turned to Phil, who was pestering Ross for pets. The feline hissed and clawed at every noodle that invaded his space. Tentacles retracted, shook off the pain, and tried again, as if plagued by short-term memory loss.

  Steve, having spun himself sick atop the swivel chair, clucked to a stop and fell to the floor. A muted thump cued a subsequent vomit.

  “So,” Max said. “We can leave. But, how do we leave?”

  “Just speak with Varney over in the portal lab. He’ll port you wherever you want to go.”

  Zoey cringed. “Uh, we may not have parted on the best of terms.”

  “How so?”

  “I, um, threatened him with my sidearm.”

  Rutherford Six glanced away and sighed. “Fine, I’ll take care of it.”

  CHAPTER 15

  Varney sat behind the teleportation console with his arms crossed. His bald head gleamed under the laboratory lights, giving way to narrowed eyes and taut cheeks. Rutherford Six stood in front of the console with her arms spread across the backing. Her strategic forward lean gave Varney more than a little to ponder as he shifted his mustache from side to side. Behind the sexy droid, two Mulgawats, an Earthling, a cyborg cat, a snoodlecock, another Six, and a giant blob of flesh awaited the technician’s response.

  “Whataya say, buddy?” Rutherford Six said. “We gotta deal?”

  Varney stroked his chin. “Very well, let’s see them.”

  The droid grinned, bit her lower lip, and traced the chest line of her crimson dress with a fingertip. She slipped a hand into her cleavage, spreading her perfect breasts beneath the silky fabric. A wandering tongue raised her cheek before her hand emerged with a pair of lollipops.

  “Root beer, just how you like ‘em.”

  She offered the suckers to Varney, who snatched them from her hand like a praying mantis with a sugar problem. He unwrapped one of them, plunged it into his mouth, and lapped his way to happiness. The other found its way into his baggy lab coat for safekeeping.

  Rutherford Six smiled, then straightened her posture and rested her hands upon her waist. “We good then?”

  Varney grinned and nodded like a giddy toddler and motioned for the group to enter the teleportation chamber. Phil rolled his mass in first, filling most of the platform. The rest followed and assumed their places in front of the blob. They turned to face Rutherford Six standing outside of the chamber. Hy-D Six stood beside her.

  “Are you not coming?” Zoey said to Hy-D.

  “Nah. Things seem to be calming down around here, so I’ll give it another go. Besides, what use could I be to a tight crew like yours?”

  Max smirked and raised his hand.

  Perra huffed. “No, Max.”

  He lowered his arm.

  “Varney agreed to a single group port,” Rutherford Six said. “Hope that’s okay.”

  “Perfectly fine,” Zoey said. “Our ship is back on Phil’s Place anyway, so it works out.”

  “I guess this is goodbye, then.”

  “Indeed it is. Thanks, Ruthy.”

  “You all take care.”

  The droid turned and nodded to Varney, who nodded back, shifted the lollipop across his mustache, and tapped his way across the console. Ribbons of light appeared in the chamber and swirled around the group. The energy build crackled with static, sending jolts of lightning into the walls. With a final crescendo, the bubble engulfed the group and blinked them into nothingness. Rutherford Six and Hy-D Six stood outside with curious gazes, watching the static dance and dissipate. With a final surge, the chamber dimmed and the room fell into silence.

  Rutherford smiled and hooked arms with Hy-D. “Wanna get naked and fool around?”

  “Absolutely.”

  * * *

  Back on Phil’s Place, Gamon sat on the wing of his ship while playing a game on his comdev. His enthusiastic jolts rocked the triangular interceptor from side to side, causing the landing gear to whine. He swiped two blobs into three blobs, forming a single blob that annihilated several other blobs on the screen. A chorus of chirps and flashes marked the feat, drawing a chuckle of gratification.

  The tiny freighter rested in silence upon a rocky platform nearby.
A gentle breeze teased Gamon’s senses. He glanced over to the boxy vessel and sighed before dragging his eyes through the rolling hills around him. His gaze climbed into the mountain peaks and settled on a bank of clouds trapped beneath the cliffs. As he stared at the magnificent visage, a sulfuric aroma tickled his nose, followed by a faint crinkle of static. Gamon scrunched his brow and jerked his gaze as he tried to uncover the source. Moments later, a ribbon of blue light swirled into existence where the stealth ship once sat. It spun into a glowing sphere, then plopped everyone into the dirt like an ethereal force taking a dump. Phil hit the ground like a wad of dough while everyone else flapped, stumbled, or stuck the landing like a dismounting gymnast. The light sizzled away, leaving the group to gather their bearings.

  Gamon’s face stretched into a toothy grin as he dropped from the wing and began jogging towards the group. Zoey caught a glimpse of the hairy beast and nudged Perra. They launched into their own gallops and met halfway, leaping into a warm embrace. Gamon wrapped them both inside his hairy arms, gripped them tight, and swayed back and forth. His meaty jowls bounced with laughter, drawing playful chuckles from the Mulgawats.

  “You made it!” Gamon said, releasing his grip.

  “Just barely,” Zoey said.

  “So the stealth ship worked?”

  “Like a charm. It was just as you suspected. The station snatched us the moment we blinked out of hyperspace. We docked, snuck away, and launched the operation. We even had a disgruntled droid helping us. You should have seen it, total insanity.”

  “To put it mildly,” Perra said.

  Phil’s bulk skidded to a halt behind Gamon, kicking up a spray of dirt and pebbles. A fresh pair of tentacles clapped with excitement, then pinched Gamon’s fuzzy cheeks. They slithered up to his nubby horns and twist-squeaked them as if tuning an old-timey radio. The beast sighed and slacked his face with annoyance.

  “Missed you, Phil.”

  “Big hairy touchie friend,” Phil said in a creepier voice than usual.

  Gamon spun around and batted away the tentacles.

  Phil yipped and slurped them back into his body.

  “Speaking of,” Gamon said, turning back to Perra, “what the hell happened? One minute I was chilling with Stroker McSackerton and the next, boom! A big bright swirly yanks him into the ether.”

  “Yeah,” Zoey said with a Lumberg draw. “We needed a distraction and Phil is the biggest one in the ‘verse. We took control of a teleporter and the rest was chaos.” She peeked around Gamon’s shoulder to Phil. “Sorry about that, buddy. We were in a desperate situation.”

  “No apology needed,” Phil said, sprouting a thumbs-up. “Traveling is uber fun, plus I got to indulge in a plethora of exotic touchies.”

  Gamon cringed. “Poor bastards.”

  Max strolled up to the group. “It worked though. They saved my ass.” He grinned and nudged Perra. “Thank you. And, I feel like I should apologize to everyone. I got a taste of man beauty and it went to my head.”

  Gamon raised an eyebrow and glanced at Zoey, who shrugged and rolled her eyes as if to say we stopped asking a long time ago.

  Perra wrapped an arm around Max’s neck and yanked him into a noogie. “Anything for you, brother.”

  “That’s right,” Zoey said. “You’re family.”

  “Yo, family,” Ross said.

  The group turned to find Ross in the multiple clutches of Phil again. An army of handless noodles stroked his back, scratched his head, and tugged his tail. Refusing to fight the assault, his face conveyed a DEFCON-level of irk.

  “Little help? I think I’ve earned it at this point.”

  Max snorted. “How? You’ve done nothing but complain the whole time.”

  “Oooh ho ho, you better sleep with one eye open, pretty boy.”

  Perra snickered.

  “That’s enough, Philly,” Zoey said like a decisive parent. “Drop the kitty and go play with the snoodlecock.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Phil lowered Ross to the ground, gave him a few pats, then rumbled away in search of his feathered guest. Ross examined his mucus-laden fur, grumbled with disgust, and launched into a frantic grooming session. Soon after, Steve shrieked as Phil snatched him from a nearby boulder.

  “On that note,” Gamon said, “I should be getting back to Durangoni, got a thing with a thing.”

  “Understood,” Zoey said, then smiled and gripped his shoulder. “Thank you, Gamon. You’re a true friend. We will never forget this.”

  Perra echoed the sentiment.

  “You girls are beyond worth it,” he said. “Anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask.”

  “I’m pretty sure we owe you a lot more at this point,” Perra said with a polite chuckle.

  “It’s not a competition. But yes, I am winning.” Gamon winked and wrapped his arms around the ladies. He also reached for Max and yanked him into the embrace. With a final squeeze, he pulled away, patted Zoey and Perra on the cheeks, and ruffled Max’s hair. “Stay out of trouble, kids.” As he turned to leave, he waved at a gyrating Phil beside a nearby boulder. “So long, Phil. It’s been ... weird.”

  Phil sprouted a hand and waved back. “Bye bye, shaggy touchie!”

  Gamon shivered, then jogged back to his ship. Thrusters ignited beneath the triangular vessel, rumbling the ground. Pillars of blue flame spilled from the amber hull, lifting the craft into a hover. Dust clouds churned inside an arrow-like shadow as the landing gear retracted. Perra hooked Zoey’s arm and waved at their departing friend, who flashed the landing lights. The nose tilted up as the main engine ignited, jolting the ship skyward. It carved through the clouds like a warm knife through blarferk. (An outer-rim delicacy made from doom grubs and fermented whale vomit. Don’t judge, humans devour unfertilized chicken ova like it’s the most normal thing in the world.) The rumble faded into silence, leaving Zoey, Perra, and Max with eyes to an empty sky.

  “So what now?” Max said.

  Zoey glanced over to Phil, who excreted a glazed and confused snoodlecock into the dirt. Steve sat upright with widened eyes, staring straight ahead at nothing. A bead of mucus dripped from the tip of his beak.

  “I guess we take Steve back to his home planet.”

  “We owe him that,” Perra said with a nod.

  Steve lifted to his feet without blinking or breaking eye contact with whatever dust particle warranted his laser-like focus. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and flapped like a toddler having a temper tantrum. Ribbons of airborne goop sailed in every direction, creating a splash pattern in the dirt around him. Steve took to the air, glided over to the group, and settled at their feet. He lifted a woeful gaze to Zoey, complete with a twitching eyelid.

  “I’m done with this place,” he said in a flat tone. “Can we go now?”

  “Yes, buddy. We’re taking you home.”

  Steve expelled a heaving sigh, as if receiving good news from a biopsy.

  Perra tapped her comdev, opening the freighter airlock. Steve glanced at Phil, who waved back like a hyper preteen. The snoodlecock flinched, returned a twitching eye to Zoey, then limp-waddled back to the ship. Zoey and Perra strolled over to Phil with Max in tow.

  “It’s time for us to head out, Philly-poo,” Perra said.

  “Aaaawe.” Phil slumped his mass.

  “You have been a tremendous help and we cannot thank you enough,” Zoey said. “I promise that we will return soon for an, um ... extended stay.”

  Phil perked up. “For reals?”

  “Count on it,” Perra said, adding a wink.

  He sprouted a pair of tiny hands, clapped wildly, then twisted them over each other like a nervous teen seeking a prom date. “So, um, would it be okay if, um, you know.”

  Perra smirked at Zoey. “One for the road?”

  She sighed, closed her eyes, and nodded. “Sure.”

  Phil squeed and slurped them into his gelatinous body. He chuckled like a doofus as his mass twisted and turned with the Mulgaw
ats inside. Max stood alone, contemplating whether he felt more relieved or rejected. Phil vomited the ladies with a fresh sheen of mucus, then sank into the dirt with a fluttering flatulence. Max, having decided that the callous rejection of a sentient scrotum would indeed scar his self-esteem, opened his arms and stepped towards Phil. The mass tensed with fright at his approach.

  “Ugh, wha—what are you doing?” Phil said.

  “Showing my appreciation,” Max said and reached for the wrinkled sack.

  Phil jerked aside, allowing the human to face-plant into the dirt. The blob writhed and shivered, as if trying to shake the image of a naked grandparent. “Um, uh, no thanks.” Phil hurried away and hid behind the nearest boulder. He poked a tentacle overhead like a prudent periscope.

  Max remained facedown in the dirt.

  “You okay?” Perra said, wiping mucus from her body.

  “My pride hurts,” Max said in a muffled tone.

  Zoey smirked, lifted from the muck, and strolled over to Max. She grabbed him by both pits, yanked him to his feet, and gave him a slimy bear hug. She pulled away, allowing strings of mucus to dangle between them.

  “Happy now?”

  Max puckered his face and stiffened with disgust.

  “Thought so.” Zoey patted his cheek and turned for the ship.

  Perra waved at the lonely tentacle quivering above the boulder. “Bye, Philly! See you soon!”

  The tentacle perked, formed a hand, and waved back.

  Ross, having completed a grooming job in record time, leapt to his feet and trotted towards the ship. As he passed, Max reached down and stroked his back, leaving a gooey streak down his spine. Ross froze in his tracks and whipped a death stare to his human companion.

  “You daft wanker!” he said.

  “Consider that payback for all the litter paws,” Max said, then turned and jogged towards the ship.