“I don’t think Whirly is live on the scene anymore.”
“Not funny, Dusty. Folks, forgive Dusty’s gallows humor. Any chance of survivors, Tawny Jean?”
“Camera Two is going to check now, Jim. What’s that, Nick? Yes, yes you are, Nick. Because Camera One is on me. No, Mike isn’t going to go in your place. Mike’s job is to film me, period. You’re supposed to be the roving camera. Go rove and see if Whirly or Clint are still alive.”
“Tawny Jean, what else is happening live on the scene?”
“Jim, the floating lights are still floating. No more aggressive lighting up. Ah, did someone at the station call for emergency personnel?”
“Dusty did, Tawny Jean. Do you think you’re in danger?”
“Maybe, Jim. It may be that all of the Tri-County area is in danger.”
“Are there more of them?”
“I don’t know, Dusty.”
“Have Mike film the sky to the north, would you, Tawny Jean? That’s where the meteor shower was supposed to be visible to all Tri-County residents tonight.”
“Sure, Dusty. Camera One is turning toward the sky so we can all take a look. Hmmmm, yes, Dusty, I think we do have more of them coming. Or it’s your meteor shower that we’re also witnessing right now.”
“Or it’s both.”
“Dusty, you’re saying that these floating lights are meteors? That would be an amazing scientific find! And it’s being brought to our loyal Tri-County K-STAR viewers first by your Breaking News Team.”
“No, Jim. I’m not saying that the floating lights are meteors. Meteors are, in your vernacular, space rocks that come flaming through the atmosphere, hit the ground, and make a big hole. They don’t hover.”
“Then what are you saying, Dusty? There are a lot more floating lights coming.”
“What I’m saying, Tawny Jean, is that I’m wondering if the meteors we were expecting are actually extraterrestrial life forms of some kind.”
“You mean space aliens?”
“Yes, Tawny Jean.”
“Well, Dusty, why would space aliens want to kill Whirly and Clint? Oh! Oh my God!”
“Tawny Jean! What just happened?”
“Jim, it’s terrible! The space alien things just blew up Camera Two! And all of the Jackson Farms complex! Oh, the humanity.”
“Tawny Jean, didn’t you say that all the people had left already?”
“Yes I did, Dusty. It’s terrible. The smell is like barbeque mixed with burning manure. Kind of makes you hungry and sick to your stomach at the same time.”
“They killed a lot of cows, Tawny Jean. That’s not humanity.”
“I don’t follow you, Dusty. Emergency response vehicles are here. As are what appear to be military personnel. Jim, I’m going to try to get an interview with whoever’s in charge.”
“Tawny Jean, maybe you and Camera One should get out of there while you still can.”
“Sorry, Dusty. This is Breaking News and none of the real Breaking News Team would leave the scene while there was breaking news going on.”
“Whirly, Clint, and Nick are never leaving the scene. Permanently.”
“That’s our girl! Dusty, don’t be a downer, keep the Breaking News can-do attitude going. Folks, for those of you just joining the Breaking News Team on K-STAR, the Home of Breaking News, we have a situation going on over at the Jackson Farms complex.”
“The Breaking News Team has already lost enough people, Tawny Jean.”
“Not now, Dusty, I’m busy.”
“Not to worry, Dusty. Chance Timberland has arrived to save your day, both on and off the field!”
“Hey, folks, it’s everyone’s favorite award-winning sportscaster, Chance Timberland. Chance, you and my Breaking News Co-Anchor, Connie Katano, were supposed to be covering the Tri-County’s Little League Finals tonight, and you’re not due on for another hour, during our regularly scheduled evening Breaking News Broadcast.”
“Connie said that Tawny Jean’s story was much more important to the Tri-County area, Jim. We stopped by to pick you guys up so we can all go out and help Tawny Jean interview the space invaders!”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea—”
“Then you stay at the studio, Dusty, and be our man at the desk. It’ll be great experience for you, and, as we all know, our Tri-County K-STAR viewers love their weather with a little dust in it! Folks, while Tawny Jean tries to get an On-the-Scene Interview, I’m going to go out in our Breaking News Van with Connie and Chance. We’ll be bringing the breaking news to you all along the way. Jim Rock, signing off for the moment. Dusty, the broadcast’s yours.”
“Ah… great. For those Tri-County K-STAR viewers just tuning in, I’m Breaking News weatherman Dusty Rivers and we’re in the midst of what may be an alien invasion, right here in the Tri-County area. I’d recommend that everyone try to remain calm. Panic is not the answer—”
“Dusty, it’s Jim, coming to you from the Breaking News Van.”
“Aren’t you still in the parking lot?”
“Yes, but that’s not important now. Let’s give our viewers what they want, which is the breaking news, not a list of do’s and don’ts. Folks, while Chance drives the Breaking News Van at a, heh, breakneck pace, I’d like to get Connie Katano’s take on all this. Connie, as an intelligent, erudite, woman of color, how do you feel the events at Jackson Farms will affect the minority community in the Tri-County area?”
“Jim, I’m glad you’ve asked me that. I’m already planning to talk to all the community leaders who happen to be minorities, like I myself am, to get their views about this amazing situation. I think this breaking news event will give the fine minority members of the Tri-County community even more chances to prove just how vital to the Tri-County area they really are. So, look for my new exclusive, ongoing series—The Minority Community and You: UFO Edition—starting next week.”
“Great insight, Connie! Can’t wait to see your hard-hitting Breaking News Exclusive! Wow, folks, if you can see what our Breaking News Van Camera is showing you, there’s destruction all along the highway leading into the Jackson Farms complex.”
“Cars are scattered everywhere, Jim. Most of them are in flames, as are most of the buildings and land around the highway. It wasn’t like this when Chance and I were coming back from the Little League Tournament.”
“Those kids can really play, though.”
“Thanks for that insight, Chance.”
“Any time, Jim.”
“Ah, you guys? Are there people in those cars and businesses you’re driving past?”
“Not sure, Dusty. We’re heading to the breaking news right now.”
“Jim, there’s breaking news all around the van.”
“But there’s no one to interview, Dusty, and as we know, our K-STAR Breaking News viewers like to get the beat from the man or woman on the street.”
“It looks like any men or women on the street are dead, Jim.”
“You’ve been waiting all night to say that, haven’t you, Dusty?”
“Not really. Tawny Jean Mountain is back with us, though. To you, Tawny Jean. It’s great that you’re still alive, by the way. Especially when all I can really see behind you is flames and debris. It looks like you’re in a war zone, not at the Jackson Farms complex. Or whatever’s left of it.”
“True enough, Dusty. As Camera One scans the skies for our K-STAR Breaking News viewers, you’ll see that we have a lot more of those floating lights in the sky. So far, they’ve blown up every aircraft that’s come near them. They’ve also blown up the military vehicles on the ground. Which represents all the destruction you so accurately noted. Dusty, Camera One is now back on me, thanks Mike, and I’m here with Major General Philip ‘Tank’ Smith, who’s in charge of this action. Major General, what can you tell us about the events going on right now?”
“No comment, Miz Mountain.”
“Major General, do you think that the floating lights are meteors, aliens,
or just a nasty trick of the light?”
“No comment, Miz Mountain.”
“Major General, why did you agree to speak with the Breaking News team if you’re not going to give us any comments?”
“Because for whatever reason, the aliens aren’t blowing you up.”
“They blew up the rest of our Breaking News On-the-Scene team, Major General.”
“Right. And they blew up fifteen helicopters, twelve tanks, and fifteen Jeeps. And yet you’re still here. Ipso facto, you’re the safe zone. Or they want you.”
“Ha ha ha, Major General.”
“Tawny Jean, it’s possible. We don’t know. You’re an attractive woman.”
“Gosh, thanks, Dusty. Um, I’m dating Chance Timberland, the Breaking News Team’s award winning sportscaster, who’s won awards both on and off the field, you know.”
“Yes, I know. But the Major General could be on to something.”
“Aren’t you the weatherman?”
“Yes, Major General, I am.”
“Well, dammit man, you’re not any good at it. You said there would be showers and it’s a perfectly clear night, if you ignore the floating alien lights in the sky.”
“I said there would be meteor showers, Major General, but thank you for confirming that the military believes we’re under alien attack. I now believe the meteor showers were in fact the aliens that are currently attacking the Tri-County area. I’d like to recommend that all our Tri-County viewers get to safety. Storm cellars or bunkers, if you can manage it.”
“No reason to panic the populace, boy.”
“Major General, you’re hiding out with our young, attractive On-the-Scene reporter because everyone else around her has been blown up. When do you recommend the rest of us panic?”
“Dusty, the Breaking News Van has arrived with backup.”
“Tawny Jean, that backup is Jim, Connie, Chance, and Chris who handles the Van Camera. I don’t think they’re going to be the backup you’re hoping for.”
“Jim Rock from the Breaking News Team here, on the scene of breaking news, with our On-the-Scene reporter Tawny Jean Mountain, my Breaking News Co-Anchor, Connie Katano, and the Breaking News Award-Winning Sportscaster, Chance Timberland.”
“I’ve won awards on and off the field, Jim.”
“Right, Chance. Tawny Jean, there’s nothing but destruction for miles. What’s the situation here?”
“Destruction all around, Jim.”
“Jim, Tawny Jean, it looks to me as if the lights—of which I count at least twenty—are starting to form into a sphere of some kind.”
“Good eye, Connie. It looks that way to me, too.”
“Major General, what’s your opinion of what Connie and Jim have described?”
“I think we’re all going to die, Miz Mountain. Each one of those lights or ships or whatever they are is powerful on its own. Combined? I don’t think we stand a chance.”
“There’s always a chance, because I’m right here! Chance Timberland here to save the day.”
“Right, son. Head between legs and kiss your arse goodbye kind of chance.”
“Tawny Jean, what is Chance doing?”
“Dusty, Chance is running toward the lights. Oh. Oh… my God.”
“Uh, I’m sorry you’re seeing that, folks. It appears that Chance Timberland is the latest casualty in this alien attack. Tawny Jean, I think you and the others and anyone else alive there need to get away as fast as possible.”
“Dusty, a moment of silence for Chance, please.”
“Jim, mourn later. You guys need to get out of there. It’s a war zone.”
“And the Breaking News Team doesn’t run from breaking news, Dusty.”
“We have a lot less members of the Breaking News Team at the moment, Jim.”
“Run, you damn fools! Run!”
“Dusty, there’s nothing but madness down here. People screaming, things exploding. This is Jim Rock, Breaking…”
“Jim? Jim! Jim, are you there? Folks, I think we’re seeing the aliens attacking the rest of the military and Breaking News Team left on the ground. From the way the cameras have just fallen, I think we’ve lost our cameramen. God, I see Jim and the Major General, or at least what’s left of them.
“Connie! Tawny Jean! Can you two hear me? Folks, Connie and Tawny Jean are both still up, really up. They appear unscathed, so there’s that. Of course, they’re both attractive women, and so far the only dead I can spot are men. So, men of the Tri-County area, I think we’re all in trouble. If you’re an attractive woman, you may be safe, but right now, folks, I wouldn’t count on it.
“Tawny Jean and Connie don’t appear to have their microphones any more, or if they do, we aren’t receiving back here at the station. They’re floating in the air, going right into the lights. Truly, right in. And… they’re gone. Inside the light or whatever those things are.
“Anyone still watching or listening to this broadcast, get to safety as fast as you can and God go with you—excuse me, my phone’s ringing, and it’s the Breaking News ringtone. Could be one of the team is still alive! Hello? Yes? Yes. Ah… yes. I… understand. Really? Why me? Why only me? PhD in Physics, actually. Yeah, my mother wanted me to be on TV. Really? Wow. That’s a really generous offer. Thank you. Yes. Yes, I’ll take care of it.
“Sorry about that, folks. We’re going to go to a brief commercial.”
“Jackson Farms, where our happy cows give a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there, all for you-you! Jackson Farms, a Tri-County tradition. We’ve always been here, and we’ll always be here, moo-moo-ing for you!”
“And… we’re back. Hi folks, I’m K-STAR Breaking News weatherman Dusty Rivers. And, I’m here to report that all the last hour’s worth of reporting was all a mistake, folks. Ha ha ha. Those ‘lights’ were just weather balloons that reflected the moon’s rays off of some swamp gas due to the meteor shower that I predicted yesterday. All the ‘death and destruction’ was just a little Breaking News Team practical joke. Nothing other than that. Ha ha ha.
“So, just relax and don’t worry, folks. The Tri-County area has not, I repeat, not been invaded by extraterrestrials here to steal all our women and wipe the rest of us off the face of the Earth. This is Doctor Dusty Rivers, signing off. Forever.”
***
Gini Koch writes the bestselling fast, fresh and funny Alien/Katherine “Kitty” Katt series for DAW Books, the Necropolis Enforcement Files series, and the Martian Alliance series for Musa Publishing. As G.J. Koch she writes the Alexander Outland series and she’s made the most of multiple personality disorder by writing under a variety of other pen names as well, including Anita Ensal, Jemma Chase, A.E. Stanton, and J.C. Koch. Buy her books — her meds don’t come free, you know. You can reach Gini via her website: www.ginikoch.com.
The Newsboy’s Last Stand
Krystal Claxton
There once was a man who, like any man at the start of a story, was malcontent. Unhappy. Sad, even. Really kind of a sap, and you wouldn’t think he’d get a story of his own, but you see there was also a girl.
Now, as you’ve all heard before, girls make everything better. But that isn’t exactly accurate. Because girls are not magical, they’re really very much like men in that they can be good or bad, but are mostly mediocre. And just as such, this girl was not the only girl—there were many others—but in this story she made a difference.
The girl—Jane was her name (and the man’s name was Romulus, no those names don’t match very well)—worked at the flower shop on the corner between the bakery and the cakery across the street from the newsstand. (No, a bakery and a cakery are quite different, please be silent so I can tell the story.)
In those days very few people could read, and so the newsstand wasn’t a place where newspapers were stacked, but rather was a stand upon which the newsboy would shout about all of the wonderful or horrid things that had befallen the kingdom. (Okay, it was actually an autonomous collective; doesn’t kingdom sound n
icer?)
And, of course, Romulus was the newsboy. Newsman, rather, as he was quite too old to continue being called a boy, but there were no new boys to take the job. The only schoolhouse in the kingdom had closed some years prior due to the ongoing war with the neighboring kingdom (a self-perpetuating autocracy). In fact, Romulus’s newsstand was the last of its kind. And so, as you might have guessed, the news that Romulus read on the rickety, rusting news scaffold on the corner across the street from the flower shop was not very good.
The girl, Jane, who was only eight years old (here you were thinking she was a woman, but if she had been I would’ve said so) would stand outside the shop, offering daisies and bluebells (which were actually purple) to anyone passing by. The roses remained inside, as they were much too expensive for an eight-year-old to handle. All day, rain or shine, Jane listened to Romulus shout bad news.
“Honey shipments from the Western Shore delayed by enemy contact!”
“Frontline of battle moves ever closer!”
“Mass hysteria! Dogs and cats living together!”
Until one day, when the shop was near to closing and Jane hadn’t sold a single flower—because honestly, the news had been so bad that day and who wants to buy flowers when the kingdom’s future is quite so bleak?—so she walked across the cobbles to stand beneath Romulus’s stand.
She held her basket with the daisies in both hands, and her face was smudged with soot from when the chimney sweep had brushed past earlier in the day, and her black shoes were scuffed and her white apron was brown around the corners but the bow was still tied around her back, and . . . quite frankly she looked adorable. And I only point this out because it’s so important.
If she hadn’t stood there on that corner and looked up with those large brown eyes that were just a little bit too close together, Romulus would probably have never done the stupid thing he did.
In-between breaths, while he was looking down at the newsprint to announce the next line of bad news, he saw Jane peering up at him.
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