by Leanne Davis
“Yet. There’re not much positives yet. But I mean, you’re fun. You’re—”
“Impulsive, not fun. It’s all right there in the literature. Do I need to be monitored so I don’t hurt myself?”
He outright laughs. “That warning is directed towards children.”
I cross my arms under my boobs. “And bingo. That’s kinda where I’m at on the behavioral spectrum.”
“No. Not so.”
“You just like big boobs.” I turn away in a huff. He wraps his arms around me again.
“I do.” He rests his cheek on the top of my head. “But I think I might like you too. It’s as much of a surprise to me as you choosing to come here tonight.”
Chapter Twelve
~Seth~
She’s hurting. She lashes out when she’s confused or hurt or feels stupid. Which I now realize is how I usually make her feel. In fact, I used to enjoy making her feel that way. This latest revelation puts an entirely different spin on every interaction I’ve had with her and the behavior I’ve witnessed her engaging in. Most of what she says is right—her actions have annoyed the crap out of me. But now I realize there is so much more under the surface, including a reason for it. It started to change when I sensed a chink in her attitude, after the restraint she showed from lashing out like she’s always done before. And I’m sure I contributed to our earlier feud, starting back when I was thirteen and felt so ugly and inferior next to her and all of her popularity, beauty, and charisma. It seems natural now in retrospect to see why we rubbed each other so wrong. As teens, we intimidated each other. It never occurred to me that my brain and academics made her feel less acceptable. Just as I felt in her presence. And we never grew out of that. Never even tried. Until now.
“I should let you get back to studying. Don’t want you getting a B.” She tips her head backwards so I have to lift mine off and stare at her upside down. “Have you ever gotten a B?”
I smile, almost embarrassed to reply. I shrug, slightly chagrined. “No.”
“No? Straight A’s all the way?”
“Yes. Remember that I have a high IQ so schoolwork isn’t much of a challenge. It comes pretty easily to me.”
She sighs. “I can’t imagine that.”
“Really? I can’t imagine walking into a room and having every member of the opposite sex fall at my feet in lust and desire. We both have our own talents.”
She snorts. “Mine, however, are not exactly valuable skills that advance my life. Not like you. You’re kind of a prodigy.” She pushes from me and turns, frowning.
“I like doing research. That doesn’t make me a prodigy.”
“Don’t downplay how intelligent you are. You don’t have to be less to make me feel better.”
“Well, at least you can talk to people without boring them or stumbling over your words. It must be nice.”
“You don’t do either of those things. You talk just fine.”
“I used to do both. It took considerable effort for me to hang out with people my own freaking age. You just know what to do without trying. You think it’s easy to be the smartest kid in the freshman class? Gee, guess what that makes me? Not the varsity stud, that’s for sure.”
She tilts her head. “The varsity stud usually fades in fame and stature the minute high school is over. Just look at me. I’m the girl version, and I’m all washed out.”
“But you’re finding your way now.”
“Maybe.” She frowns. “Would you…” Her voice fades.
“Would I what?”
“Help me tell my parents? They like you. They listen to you. I think you could explain it clearer to them.”
“Yeah. Of course. Missy?”
She lifts her head up. “Yes?”
“Is that the main attraction to me? Because they like me?”
She gives me a half smile. “It would be a definite change.” She stands on her tiptoes and her mouth touches mine. She stops talking long enough to kiss me. It’s hard to lift my head up after she does so. I could lean into her forever, drowning in the heat of her mouth and how it affects the rest of me.
“But you have to remember: I’ve never tried to please them especially with the guys I date. I haven’t changed that much. It’s just a coincidence. If they didn’t like you, I’d still be here. Look at it that way. And you don’t know if they might not like me being with you.”
“What do you mean?”
She shakes her head. “Emily. They assumed you would choose Emily. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to them that you’d ever consider me.”
“Emily? No, I never thought of her that way.”
“You didn’t think of me like that, either.”
I squint at her. “I wouldn’t say that. We always had a weird chemistry. It was usually angry and mocking but chemistry all the same. It was very different from anyone else. Even though I didn’t like it, I still felt something for you. But anyway, yeah, how about tomorrow? You want me to come over?”
“Yes. Six? My counselor said she wanted to see me again. I called back after I read some of her pamphlet, asking for another session. I need more clarification.”
“Sure. I’ll be there.”
She nods, smiling. But what hits me squarely in the heart is the shyness in her smile. She takes a step back. “You know what’s really odd?”
“What?” I watch her walk backwards towards the front door.
“That you’ll show up tomorrow. No matter what. I won’t have to wonder or question, I know, right in here,” she points to her heart, “I just know you’ll do exactly what you say and promise me. I could… get used to that.” Then she spins around, grabs the door and bolts away.
Something strange jolts me. I don’t think she’s just saying that. I think she might actually like me, which is a staggering revelation to me.
I show up at six the next evening and knock on their front door. Jessie answers it, smiling with pleasure before inviting me in. I have no anxiety or discomfort. I’ve stayed over at their house on many occasions when I’ve visited. They are the lifelong friends of my parents.
“So, something is up with Melissa. She mentioned you were coming here. Will is coming right in, he’s just changing his clothes first.”
“Something is up,” I reply, and Jessie’s face flinches. I try to give her a reassuring smile. “For once, it’s not a disaster. I think it might improve things even.”
Will walks out then and Jessie calls Melissa. She appears, rubbing her hands together. She smiles with nervous trepidation at me. I’m surprised she’s so worried about this. Her parents sit down and so do I. Melissa paces.
“What’s up?” Will finally asks, and I can almost hear the implied now in his tone.
“I… There is something I learned that might explain why I…” She’s pacing again. She walks behind the couch and back again.
Finally, I lean forward. “Do you mind?” I ask her. She nods with a flash of relief in her eyes, and finally sits down, flopping her entire body in a purely Melissa dramatic fall.
So I explain. I tell them about her counselor’s rather quick and insightful assessment that everything about Melissa and her past history fits the profile of someone with ADD. I go over many of the things I found online as well as what she told me her counselor told her.
I have no idea why she is so nervous to tell them. Their faces suggest the whole story. They start out unsure, as if steeling themselves for the next outrageous excuse. I mean, come on, it’s Melissa, and her most recent adventure was almost diving off a water tower while on drugs. What more could surprise them? Except perhaps this. As I continue, their eyes grow wider as they look around before sharing a long, profound glance. And yeah, they believe her… or rather me, speaking for her. I doubt Melissa could gather her thoughts together long enough to explain it clearly.
They turn to address her and now, she can answer their questions. She details what her counselor said and hands them the literature she received. She is so diff
erent here, quiet, subdued, shy, and almost scared. She has so many different facets to her personality. I’m again reminded how hard she is to describe. Maybe that’s why my feelings for her are also that way.
They get up and embrace her. Jessie has tears in her eyes for not seeing this sooner.
“It would have made your whole life, and school, all of it so much easier. Oh honey, all those times we blamed you…”
Will nods. “Every single time I yelled at you for not following through on things. I’m so sorry, Missy. It never occurred to me… to us, something like this could be at the root of it. We should have known. You tried so hard…”
“And failed so often,” she supplies. Her smile is tremulous. “It’s okay. I didn’t know, so how could you?”
“Because we’re your parents, and one of us should have seen it. Someone, the school, a teacher, someone observant… and it’s you. You found out all on your own. I can’t believe we all missed it…”
She perks up at hearing this. She remembers all the statistics her counselor told her and why it’s often missed in girls. It kind of breaks my heart how eager she is to let them off the hook. She doesn’t care why they couldn’t see it in her or why they blamed her, when it wasn’t her fault, or theirs. I’m not sure I could be so magnanimous after the crap we all, me included, regularly flung at her. And she always claimed she didn’t know why. Maybe instead of being so sure she should have just tried harder, someone, somewhere should have listened to her problem.
Melissa nearly basks in her parents’ hugs and apologies and her mom’s tears. She harbors no resentment or ill will after nearly a decade of having people misunderstand her. It is a lesson for everyone in both grace and forgiveness, taught to me by the only person who could have made me care.
Will shakes his head and sighs at some point. “I wonder… Damn.”
“What?”
“I kicked you out of the house over something that you couldn’t help. I’m… so sorry, Missy. I can’t undo that, but I hope you can forgive me. I thought it was the right thing to do.”
“I know, Dad, we’ve been through that. It’s okay.”
He glances at Jessie, who makes a puzzled face in return. Will shakes his head again and gets up, walking towards Melissa. He squats in front of her and takes her hand. “I thought… I was so harsh on you because I saw… my own mother in you.”
Quiet follows his statement. Even Jessie leans forward, as if this is an eye–opener for her too. Missy’s eyes grow larger. “You hated your mother.”
He smiles softly. “You really do listen to everything I say. Yes, I did. But only later on in my life. I didn’t always hate her. She was scattered and flighty and never remembered to pick me up or where I was. She couldn’t hold a job or keep a relationship together. I used to blame her and wonder what the hell was wrong with her. Why were ordinary, normal mom responsibilities so hard for her? She exacerbated it all by becoming a sloppy drunk. I saw some things in you that reminded me of her.”
“I can see why,” she agrees softly.
“What if she simply had ADD too? I was afraid you’d be like her. As you went through a series of undesirable boyfriends and none of them treated you the way we taught you to believe you deserved to be treated. And the many jobs and the schoolwork and the forgotten chores… All of it piled up so I feared you were on your way to becoming her. Most of all, I feared your vice would be street drugs. I didn’t know how to stop it. That’s why I kicked you out. I tried to shock you from what I thought was your complacency. All I accomplished, however, was upsetting and scaring you. That’s also why I threatened to follow you everywhere. I thought you were on your way to becoming just like my mother.”
“You never told me that,” Jessie says behind him.
Will glances at her over his shoulder, holding her gaze. “Maybe I was afraid to put it into words. I am sorry, Missy. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry I put my issues with my mom on you. I’m sorry I feared for your future, when I should have accepted you regardless of whether or not I knew this information.”
Her smile is small, but sincere. “I don’t care about any of that from now on. I’m just glad you love me, and maybe… you can learn to like me too.” She throws herself at her dad, who catches her in his arms and hugs her tightly. Her eyes close as she hugs him back.
“Oh, God,” Will nearly groans. “I don’t have to learn to like you. Missy, I like you. I love you. I adore you. I swear to God, I mean that. I’ll make sure from here forward, you never spend another moment doubting that.”
I see the dynamic now: the boys Melissa slept with were a symbolic snub to her father because they were everything opposite of him. Melissa believed her dad, who was such a great guy to everyone else, even to her sisters, didn’t like her. At her core, she truly believed she was his biggest disappointment.
That used to puzzle me. She was raised by a decent guy, and had a healthy parental relationship, so why did she seem so screwed up with men? Why did she seem so attracted to guys who would eventually hurt her?
Looking back, I doubt even one of them could have really hurt her. She didn’t let any of them get close to her. She didn’t care about them for one second. They were easy to use and abuse and dispose of. Even if they did it to her in return, she didn’t really care. She just moved on to the next one. The sex factor would hurt her dad, but it wasn’t a big deal to her, and she didn’t get all emotionally tangled in it.
But I think… now, she is emotionally tangled up with me. That’s why I’m sitting here. I’ve seen versions of her no one else has. I am suddenly motivated to more clearly and fully understand her.
And like her dad, I want to start to understand all the parts of her. Why she has the need to purposely exaggerate the unlikeable version of her. I see that now.
I won’t be one of those guys.
Her eyes flutter open as she says, “Um, I should probably tell you the reason Seth is here…”
I come to attention and never expect her to blurt out that. Not here and now. Jessie’s eyes are on me. “We…”
“Oh,” Jessie says, her mouth opens and closes. “Oh, okay. That’s surprising. I thought you two could barely tolerate each other.”
Melissa’s gaze is on her dad. “We did. We are trying to get to know each other. And it’s working. Seth is not like the other guys. Not at all. I swear. You can ask him. You don’t have to be ashamed of us.”
I guess that means we’re dating.
I am stunned into silence at her comment and how she tries to clarify it to her father. He glances at me and I meet his cold glare. He’s a huge guy. Far bigger than I am, muscle–wise, despite a good thirty–plus years on me.
Will’s gaze leaves me and practically melts when it lands on Melissa. “I’m not… ashamed of you.” He touches her face. “I just want you to know your true value and demand respect from whomever you choose to be with, including your friends, your boyfriends, and any other peers.”
“There’s still a lot for me to work out. I’m just at the tip of understanding and getting better and all that.”
“We’ll be right here with you. I’m just glad you’re being honest with us,” Jessie adds. She glances my way. I don’t know what they think about me being there. Hell, I’m not sure what I think. I wish Melissa had consulted me or warned me first, but she’s impulsive and I should probably expect things like this to happen if we stay together. It feels right to her, so she vocalizes it. She might even regret it. But she does things like that, on the spur of the moment. Being with her will make me deal with it.
I stay for dinner when they offer. The atmosphere lightens after that. We stick to innocuous subjects in our discussions.
At one point, she wonders, “Do you suppose Emily might believe me now? That I don’t do this on purpose?”
“Emily will believe you,” her mom answers quietly. I bet Jessie will make sure everyone understands her daughter. Of all three daughters, I think Jessie accepted and did her
best to understand Melissa the most. All her life, Jessie protected Melissa from a harsher reality than she already had.
“It might be nice if we don’t hate each other.”
Her dad chokes while laughing. “Yes, that might be nice. Emily is a bit like me and quick to judge—”
Melissa good–naturedly rolls her eyes. “Ya think?”
He grins back. Weird. A new morsel of information can change an entire life and the lives of those around her.
I get up to leave and her parents are gracious as they say their goodbyes. They turn away, as if it’s normal and accepted for Melissa to follow me out. I feel Will’s eyes lingering on me. I swear, it’s like he has some laser–guided missiles in them.
The front door clicks behind us. She is rubbing her hands together again. I turn towards her. “So, I guess we’re dating now?”
“I thought...” Her gaze, now stricken, rises to my eyes. “I thought that’s what… you… me…” She falters.
“Just give me a warning next time, okay? Just to make sure we’re both on the same page.”
“Aren’t we?” she asks softly, her eyes growing bigger.
I’m flattered, honestly, that she’s decided to focus all of her interest on me. Truly. It’s not often a magnificent, nymph–like beauty like Melissa goes for a guy like me. But I’ve also watched her do it before.
“Missy, you jump into everything you do with both feet and invest every single feeling you possess. I’ve watched you do it over and over again only to have it incinerate in a matter of days or weeks. Burning up into nothing. Everything ends between you and all the others who go along with it. I don’t want that to happen with us. Yes, I want to be with you more often. I’m attracted to you. Crazy, insanely attracted. That’s not what this is about. It’s about time, going slow, and making it real. Not just another of your crazy flings that crash and burn.”
She drops her head down. “I wanted to be honest, and start over, even with this. I want this to be different from every stupid thing I’ve done in my life, especially with boys. And… I want my dad to be proud knowing I finally picked a guy who isn’t horrible.”