She nodded. “You started remembering the rape.”
“I didn’t want to think about it.”
“So you drank yourself into oblivion.”
I winced. “Sorry.”
“Now you have your grounding skills to practice, so you don’t need alcohol. But you do need more support to get through this. Could you tell Elyse about the rape?”
I remembered what she’d said about Blake and the field hockey team. She’d either think I slept around or that I was stupid to be alone with him. I shook my head.
“Your roommate?”
I shook my head again. Mackenzie thought Blake was perfect.
“How about Dane? It’d be nice to have family on your side.”
I sighed. “I’ve thought about telling him, especially after he thought Johnny, of all people, hurt me.”
“Who’s Johnny?”
“He’s Mateo’s Secret Service agent. He protected me before the election.”
“Oh, right. He’s the one who stopped the bombing plot.”
“Yes, and he’s a really good guy. Dane questioning if he’d raped me is ludicrous. But my brother’s getting closer to the truth. He knows I’ve been acting weird, and he’s trying to figure out why.” The creepy feel of Blake’s hand on my shoulder made me tremble.
“Would it be better to tell him yourself than for him to stumble onto the truth?”
I swallowed, and the tears started again. “Probably. But I’m scared to tell him. What if he goes after Blake?”
She exhaled. “Men often want to attack the perpetrator, but we could explain that it would make things worse. Dane’s in the waiting room. Want to bring him in here so I could help support you both?”
“I would tell him here?” My eyes opened wide.
She nodded. “It’s one option. No pressure.”
Dane had stared at Blake’s hand on my shoulder. “Why’d he touch you like that?” he’d asked later. How would he react if I told him the reason? He’d be shocked, for sure. Would he judge me?
“Telling others is a way to challenge the shame you’re feeling,” Dr. Valentine said. “Part of you thinks this is your fault, right?”
“I was drinking, and then I smoked weed. I let myself be separated from my friends.” Tears spilled down my cheeks.
“You could’ve consumed twenty beers alone in a bar, and you still weren’t asking to be raped. This isn’t your fault. This is the perpetrator’s fault. You may not see that now, but you will over time. And Dane could help you understand it’s not your fault.”
Oh, God. My hands trembled with the realization that I wanted to tell Dane. I was scared of his reaction, but I needed to tell him. As awful as my positive drug test had been, it had forced me to meet with the sport psychologist. And telling her about the rape had already helped me. Would it help to share it with my brother, too?
“Would you like to go get him from the waiting room?”
I looked up. After a beat, I nodded. I grabbed a fresh tissue and wiped under my eyes before I walked down the hallway.
With his headphones on and eyes glued to his laptop, Dane didn’t notice me until I was right next to him. He started, then took off his headphones. A slow smile spread on his face. “She got you to cry, huh? She’s good at that.”
I pressed my lips together, but more tears flowed. I took a seat next to him.
His smile faded. “What’s wrong?” He looked at his watch. “You’ve got another ten minutes. You sure it’s my turn?”
I noticed he’d been watching his soap opera, but I was too overwhelmed to give him shit about it. “She wants…” I cleared my throat. “We want you to come back and join the session. I need to tell you something.”
His smile had disappeared, replaced by a deep crease between his eyebrows. He stared at me for a few moments, then closed his laptop and stuffed it in his backpack.
I reached out. “I can carry your backpack.”
“No.” He slung it over his shoulder and got to his feet. He crutched toward the office, and I followed him. My heart shuddered.
“Welcome, Dane.” Dr. Valentine pointed him to one side of the sofa, and I returned to my seat on the other.
“What’s going on?” He looked from her to me. His long legs stretched out in front of him.
She nodded. “Jessica and I have been discussing an incident we thought you should know about.” Her warm eyes landed on me, and she dropped her chin like she was saying, You can do this. “Are you breathing, Jessica?”
No. I let out air like I was an overinflated tire.
Dane’s bright eyes scrutinized me, and I ran my hands down my thighs. My mouth felt dry.
“Something happened?” he prompted.
“Yeah.” My endless tears had saturated the tissue I clenched, and he reached for the box to offer me more. I took a few to sop up the leakage.
“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.” He patted my arm. “I’m here for you.”
His kindness made me cry harder.
“Oh, Jessie.” He clasped my wrist, and he inched toward me, but then turned to Dr. Valentine. “Can I hug her?”
“It’s up to Jessica,” she said.
“No.” I splayed my hands out. Get your shit together. “I’m stalling. I just need to tell you this.”
He pulled back but kept a close watch on me.
I sucked in a shaky breath. “The first night I was here…” My ankle twitched. “I went to a swimmer party.”
He nodded. “Teo went, too.”
“Yes.” Sweet Teo. If he’d stayed, maybe I wouldn’t be here now, choking out words. I tried to swallow. “There was a senior there. It was his house.”
Dane seemed to tense. “That guy I met at your practice, uh, Blake?”
Hearing his name made me freeze. I looked at Dr. Valentine.
“You’re doing great, Jess,” she said.
I closed my eyes, took a breath, then forced them open. “He got me a drink.”
Dane stilled. His mouth parted as he stared at me.
“W-W-We smoked weed in his room.”
His face lost its color as his jaw lowered. I watched his fists clench and his eyes taper into slits. “Motherfucker. He raped you.”
I flinched, but after a second, I nodded.
The energy sparking off him filled the office. “I knew it.” He sat up taller. “I fucking knew something happened to you. But I was too blind—too wrapped up in my own shit—”
“Dane.” Dr. Valentine shook her head. “You couldn’t have known.”
“I should have known!”
I pulled away from him, making myself as small as possible.
“Son of a bitch! I’m gonna fucking kill him.” He scrambled to his feet and lunged for his crutches.
Dr. Valentine stood as well. “Dane, sit back down.”
“I’m outta here.”
“You can’t leave.” She tried to block him, but he was too fast, even on crutches. He’d already made it out the door by the time she reached it.
“Get back in here, now,” she called. Her icy voice sliced through me.
Holy shit. It had all happened so fast, I barely felt my feet as I stood. I came up behind Dr. Valentine and looked over her shoulder through the open door. Dane spun around to face us but still appeared ready to bolt.
A man stuck his head out of an exam room down the hallway. “Need any help, Carly?”
“Thank you, Dr. Finnegan. You played football in college, right?” She pointed at Dane. “Block him if he tries to leave.”
“Just try it,” Dane said as he sized up the big man.
“Dane, if you leave, I have to warn the athlete you’re coming to get him.”
Whoa. She would warn Blake?
Dane’s mouth dropped open. “You wouldn’t do that!”
“I will. This is a Tarasoff situation if I’ve ever seen one.”
His eyes blazed as he seemed to consider her threat. “Fuck.” After a minute, he crutched back into the office and collapsed o
n the sofa.
The psychologist closed the door and took her seat. I sat back down as well.
“What’s Tarasoff?” I asked.
She nodded at my brother. “Dane?”
His chest heaved, and he blew out a breath. “It was this court case in the seventies. A guy told his therapist he wanted to kill a woman. The therapist didn’t tell anyone about it, and when the guy killed her, the court ruled that therapists have a duty to warn potential victims.”
“Well said.” She kept her eye on him. “You paid attention in class.”
“Yippee.” Bitterness laced his voice.
She turned to me. “Remember how I told you one exception to privacy was imminent danger of harming self or others? Blake is one of the ‘others’ in this scenario.”
“He deserves to have his fucking heart ripped out,” Dane muttered.
“That may be true, but you won’t be the one to do it, young man.”
His heart ripped out? I gawked at my brother and psychologist. When had they become so barbaric?
Dr. Valentine shook her head. “I should’ve known you’d try to fly out of here and avenge your sister.”
Dane grunted.
“You know you can’t do that. It won’t help Jessica if her brother’s in prison for murder.”
“I get it, okay?” Dane rubbed his hand over his face. He looked toward me. “You’re going to the police, right?”
I recoiled. “Um…”
His eyes got huge. “Of course you’re going! The fucker raped you. You can’t let him get away with this.”
His fists were clenched again, and a vein pulsed in his neck. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but I still felt scared. I turned to my psychologist for help.
“You look frightened, Jessica.”
I nodded. At least I’d stopped crying.
She looked at Dane. “You want your sister to feel scared of you?”
He stared at his shoes. “No.”
“Then calm your shit down.”
A very inappropriate laugh almost escaped me when he hung his head lower. This was too much damn drama for one day. I was about to lose it.
“Jessica had something out of control happen to her, Dane.” Dr. Valentine sank back in her chair, now that he seemed less explosive. “She needs to be the one in control now. She decides whether or not to report—not you.”
“But—”
“And we all know what could go wrong if she reports this to the university or law enforcement,” she continued, cutting him off. “Your mother’s the one spearheading legislation to protect sexual assault survivors. Too often they get raked over the coals when they come forward. It’s not a decision to be made lightly.”
It was quiet for a few moments. Dane still seemed pissed off, but not like he was going to run out and hunt Blake down. I felt confused. Why wasn’t I angry like him and Dr. Valentine?
She smiled at me. “Looks like you’re doing some thinking over there.”
“Oh. Um, I don’t know. I guess I’m confused. Dane’s really mad, but I’m…”
He looked at me.
“Numb?” she said.
I nodded.
Dane asked, “You’re not angry?”
I chewed on my lip. Was I?
“It’s normal for survivors not to be aware of their anger at this point. That’ll come later, most likely. Jessica’s too mad at herself to be angry at the perpetrator.”
“What the fuck?” Dane looked baffled. “Why’re you mad at yourself? The guy’s huge—taller than me, even. You couldn’t have fought him off.”
“She may’ve been drugged, too,” Dr. Valentine offered.
Dane’s fists curled, and his arms trembled. He took a noticeable deep breath.
“I showered,” I said, and my tears started again. I remembered the game we’d played: Things you shouldn’t do in the shower. My throat burned as I thought of a new response: Destroy key evidence. “I screwed up.”
A line appeared on his forehead.
“I wasn’t sure what he did to me,” I admitted. “I was stupid.” The tears were hot on my cheeks.
“Oh, Jessie, don’t cry.” His eyes shone like he was fighting tears himself.
I’d never seen him cry, and I didn’t want to start now. I clenched my teeth and looked at the clock. “I’m sorry we ran into your session. Do you want me to wait in the lobby?”
His eyes bugged. “My stuff is infinitesimally less important than this.” He looked at his watch. “Crap, it’s ten forty. We need to get you to class.”
“It’s okay. I’ll skip it.”
“No avoidance, Jessica,” Dr. Valentine chided. “You did so well today confronting your fear, telling Dane. And Dane won’t fuck it up by going after the guy, correct?”
He scowled. “Correct.”
“I want to reschedule with both of you.” She looked at me. “We needed to figure out some things today, but we’ll get back to your memories of that night. I want you to tell me your memories in as much detail as possible. It’ll help get you unstuck.”
Sounds terrifying. But I nodded.
“And Dane, I know you’re feeling helpless right now. Your injury only increases the helplessness.” She gestured to his crutches. “But you knowing what happened is a tremendous help to your sister. You can be on her side, supporting her. She won’t feel so alone.”
He blinked as he twisted his mouth to one side.
“In particular, Jessica needs your support not to drink alcohol.”
He still looked close to tears, and he didn’t respond.
She scheduled appointments for us as we stared blankly at each other. “You’ll both heal from this,” she promised.
I hoped she was right.
Chapter 14
“LUZ!”
I paused the treadmill and removed my earphones. Was that Dane’s voice?
“Luz!” he yelled again. I heard a thump on the stairs. He wasn’t coming down here, was he?
I hopped off the treadmill and jogged over to the basement stairwell. When I looked up, Dane loomed above, his head almost touching the ceiling as he maneuvered down the stairs on his crutches.
“¡Dios!” He stopped at the sound of my voice. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Is Luz down there?” he panted.
It was then I noticed wetness on his cheeks, and my stomach dropped. Dane was crying? What awful thing had happened to make him cry? I climbed the stairs. “She’s at class.”
“She’s supposed to meet me here.” He swiped at his face as he breathed hard.
“Then I’m sure she’ll be here soon. C’mon.” I grasped his elbow but almost let go when I felt his arm shaking. This was not cocky, foul-mouthed, bigger-than-life Great Dane. I wasn’t sure who this guy was. “Let’s go to the kitchen and wait for her, okay?”
He sniffed and looked down. “I should’ve been there for her.”
The crack in his voice hit me like a volleyball to the gut. He should’ve been where? Was my sister okay?
“Vámonos,” I said. “Can you turn around?”
He gathered his crutches in one hand and hopped in a circle on his good foot. I hovered on the step below to make sure he didn’t fall. When he crutched back up to the kitchen, Johnny was waiting for us.
“Dane, you need to tell us when you’re coming over,” he said. “Karen was about to start the home invasion protocol.”
“I reset the alarm!” Dane hissed.
Johnny backed up when he got a look at Dane’s tears. “Oh.” He slid his hands into his pockets. “Is, uh, everything okay?”
“No. I need to see Luz. Her agents know I’m here.”
I took Dane’s elbow again. “Have a seat at the table. I’ll get you a glass of water.” I helped Dane into a chair and retrieved a glass from the cupboard. As I filled it, I noticed my agent still standing there, fidgeting. “It’s okay, Johnny.”
He watched us for a moment, then left.
After I gave Dane his wa
ter, I dashed into the TV room and searched for the box of tissues that typically lived there. Chin, where was it? I sprinted to the bathroom and grabbed another box. As I hustled back to the kitchen, I realized Dane’s desperation was making me desperate.
“Here you go.”
Dane glared at the tissues but yanked one so he could blow his nose. “So damn stupid.” The tissue ripped in his hands. “I knew she was acting weird.”
“Lucy?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Who?” I sat next to him. “What happened?”
He kept looking down. “Can’t say.”
“But you’ll tell Lucy?”
“No.” His voice quivered. “I, I didn’t know what else to do. Where else to go.” He let out a derisive sound from deep in his throat. “I know where I want to go. But I fucking can’t. Can’t take matters into my own hands, as much as I want to.” His shoulders slumped, and it looked like he started to cry again. “I have to see Luz, that’s all.”
My gut clenched as he spoke. I’d never seen him like this. I rubbed the back of my neck and felt a light sheen of perspiration from my jog. “You texted Lucy to meet you here?”
“Yeah.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
His glassy eyes narrowed as they met mine. “What exactly are you gonna do, Teo? You’re fucking eighteen. You can’t make this better. No one can.”
Ouch. I was about to tell him I was almost nineteen when I heard the beep of the front door alarm, followed by Lucia’s voice.
“Dane! I saw your car—did Jessica drive you?”
Dane flinched but didn’t answer her, didn’t call for her. What was his deal? He’d been so eager to see her a second ago.
“We’re in the kitchen!” I yelled.
She rushed in and saw us sitting at the table. “How’d you get here, Dane?” Her eyes widened. “You drove here? On your injured foot?”
“I had to. Jess needed to get to class.” His voice cracked again.
“Idiota. You’ll delay your recovery.” She stepped toward him, then gasped. “You’re crying?”
He clenched his fists. “I need to talk to you. I…don’t know what to do.”
“¿Qué pasó, gigante?” She leaned down to hug him.
He pushed her away and got to his feet. His eyes darted to me and back to Lucia. “Let’s go to your room.”
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