Abner was wrath. “I’ve never ever been in unto a concubine. I, who replastered your father’s kitchen.”
7. Meantime, David sent messengers to Ishbosheth, saying, “Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines.”
Ishbosheth took Michal and the dowry, a bag of one hundred foreskins. But now, aha, Abner is going to change sides, he goeth to David and sweareth loyalty at the going rate of ten shekels an hour, so David putteth on a feast:
MENU
Brown Windsor Soup
Roast Beef and Two Veg
Apple Pie and Custard
8. And Abner said, “I will arise and go, and draw all Israel unto my Lord.”
Then arrived Michal with the bag of foreskins. David counted them. “There’s one missing,” he said.
“I know,” said Michal, “I gave it as a tip to a waiter.”
Then arrived Joab with his troop and brought in a great spoil, David took fifty spoils for himself giving the rest to Joab. When Joab heard that Abner had been here he waxed wrath, pulse 81, blood pressure 180/100. “Knowest Abner came to deceive thee, to know thou going out and coming in, and to know all that thou doest.”
“I haven’t been out or in and the only thing I’ve been doing is Michal.”
Joab stamped on a burning coal and set off hotfoot after Abner. When he found him he smote him under the fifth rib and he died. It’s a miracle anyone is left alive in the Bible. We’ll press on ‘till the next death via the fifth rib.
9. And they buried Abner; it was the best thing really.
And all the people wept over him, he was soaked. And the Beerothites fled to Gittaim and were sojourners there unto this day [Reuter]. Now Jonathan, Saul’s son, had a son who was lame; it happened when his nurse took him up, and fled, and as she made haste she dropped the boy under her ass. His name was Mephibosheth. Now when Saul’s son heard that Abner was dead his hands went feeble and he couldn’t scratch his parts any more. As mourning for Abner, David foreswore no food would pass his lips ‘till the sun set. The sun went behind a cloud immediately, and David started a seven-course dinner. “But,” sayeth the punters, “it hath not set; it is behind a cloud.”
“That’s near enough for me,” sayeth David.
10. It came to pass, Rechab and his brother Baanah went to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on his bed doing Swedish relief massage. The brothers entered the house as though they were fetching wheat, then they smote Ishbosheth under his [guess where?] fifth rib, then beheaded him. They took it to David saying, “Surprise, surprise”, and showed him the head. David was wrath, in rage he stampeth his foot and fractured his ankle. He commanded his men, who slew the brothers badly, it was two less in the Bible story. Ishbosheth’s head they buried in a hat box, size six and seven-eighths. At this point in the Bible there are no recent sightings of the Lord God or His pillar of cloud.
11. Then came the tribes of Israel, among them there were many overdrafts, and they spoke unto David saying, “We are thy bone and thy flesh.”
“I wondered where it was,” said David.
And they said, “The Lord hath said unto thee, thou shall feed my people.”
“Yes,” said David, “but it will have to be self-service.” David ruled and grew great, eighteen stone, and the Lord God of hosts was with him at eleven stone ten pounds. Now David took ten more concubines and wives, and had to have the bed reinforced. As David was now king he spent his time running between the bed and the throne, and was on testosterone tablets. Then God anointed David; it was all over his forehead.
12. When the Philistines knew that David had been anointed king, they came up to seek him. David went down in the hold to hide, taking with him six concu bines and a bed. In between David said to the Lord, “Should I take on the Philistines?”
God said, “Go thou to the mulberry trees, when thou hearest sounds on the tops of the trees, strike.”
David heard the Philistine Army up the mulberry trees, he droppeth it down and slayed them all by the fifth rib. Then David set the ark on a new cart, and he played before the Lord harps, bells, timbrels, drums, cornets and cymbals.
The Lord sent an archangel down to say, “You noisy bastard.”
The record still went to N°2 in the Israelite charts. On the journey Uzzah, the driver, put forth his hand to hold the ark still, for the oxen shook it; it was the first time an ox and a man had shaken hands in the Bible.
13. For touching the ark the Lord was angered against Uzzah, so He smote him and there he died.
David was displeased with God; he spat in a rage and in a rage it went down his chin. Because of what happened to Uzzah, David was feared to touch the ark, but moved it later wearing anti-Aids rubber gloves into the house of a congenital idiot called Obededom, a name hard to say unless clutching the scrotum. If you clutched his scrotum, he could say it. With a post-dated cheque David laid on a dinner until the manager asked him to get off. Then David with rouged cheeks and a touch of lipstick danced before the Lord, naked except for a knee-length ephod and a St Michael brand jockstrap.
14. And all Israel feared to touch the ark, they brought it up on a plank of wood, with shouting drums and trumpets, they were all fined for disturbing the peace and agonised shouts of Obededom! From a window Michal, Saul’s daughter, saw king David leaping dancing and mincing before the Lord, and she despised him in her heart, also in her lungs, kidneys and liver. And David offered a burnt offering – three pieces of toast; he blessed the people and all those who had lost teeth eating his toast.
15. Then David took off his make-up and went home. Michal greeted him. “How glorious you were today, who uncovered himself in the eyes of the people, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself.”
16. God said to David, “Can you build me a house? I have not dwelt in any house since coming out of Egypt.”
“You’ve got your pillar of cloud,” said David.
So David built God a house. He put it on the market at twenty thousand shekels but God knocked him down. He agreed fifteen thousand, but still the Lord complai-neth about the wallpaper in the kitchen.
17. And there was peace in the land. So putting his concubines on hold, David attacked and smote the poor bloody Philistines who were bottom of the league table, having just lost to Swindon. He then smote the king of Zobah as he was on his way to the Euphrates to recover his border, who had done a moonlight with the rent. Then king Zobah gave spoils of victory, vessels of gold, silver and brass. David prostrated himself and dedicated the brass vessels to the Lord; the silver and gold went to auction.
18. One day, in between concubines, he said, “Are there any relatives of Saul left?”
“Yes, but no thanks to you,” said Ziba, the butler.
He brought before David the lame boy Mephibosheth, who fell on his face before David.
“There’s no need to do reverence to me,” said David.
“I wasn’t,” said the boy, “I fell over.”
And David said unto Ziba, “Thou shalt look after this boy; you will do his cooking, cleaning his launder.” And Ziba wished to God he’d never brought the little bastard in.
19. It came to pass, the king of Ammon snuffed it, and Hanun, his son, reigned instead. David sent servants to commiserate, but Hanun, the little creep, suspected them of spying. He took David’s servants, shaved off one half of their beards, cut off their garments in the middle, exposing all the wedding tackle and buttocks; on their return home some women applauded them and offered marriage. When they told David he cried, “The suspicious bastard.” And yes! He went a-smotihg Ammo nites and when Hanun saw David charging in his chariot with the meter on thirty shekels fifty, he crappeth him and shouted ‘Fainits’. “Sod ‘fainits’,” said David, driving his chariot on Hanun’s chest. He leant out, shaved off half his head, cut his clothes, exposing his willy and bum. “There,” said David, “see how you like it.”
“Slightly shorter,” said Hanun. And David drove
on, shaving the Ammonites’ beards, exposing their willies and bums. It was too much for them and they threw down the arms and legs. Then David paid the chariot driver and went home.
20. On the way back he saw a woman washing herself. David estimated 40-28-38; she was Bathsheba. She was beautiful using Oil of Ulay, and with begging and a blank cheque she was soon begatting with David. One day David sent for Uriah. “Go down to thy house and wash your feet; here, take this scrubbing brush and the OdorEaters.” Uriah departed out of the king’s house, and there followed him a mess of meat from the king. Uriah turned and got it all in the face. And oh, how David laughed. Uriah was wrath and did not wash his feet, and David was angry; he sent Uriah to battle where the fighting was most dangerous. And, in time, Uriah was attacking a city wall and a woman above dropped a millstone on his nut and killed him. How David laughed.
21. When Uriah’s wife heard of his death she mourned him and cashed in his life policy. King David fetched her to his home; he did twenty minutes’ begging, gave her a blank cheque and started begatting. But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord.
The Lord spoke out of a steam cloud. “David, thou naughty, naughty king, I will take thy wives before thine eyes and give them unto your neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sun. For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.”
“It ought to go down well,” said David.
22. Meantime, Joab was fighting against Rabbah of Amnon and had taken the city. He sent for David, “You’ll have to come and help, I’ve got tennis elbow and can’t fight; I’d also like my wages revived.” So David put on his armoured jockstrap and marched on the city, let go smote after smote; he was doing nearly fifty smotes an hour and the city fell. Fortunately, it fell away from him, crushing the National Provincial office. He took their king’s crown and placed it on his own head, but it slid over his eyes. The crown was of gold set with precious stones. David had it valued; at the sale he put a reserve on it of a thousand talents.
23. He then brought forth the people of the city; he put them under saws, under harrows of iron, and made them pass through a brick kiln. It was time king David saw a psychiatrist. Now another looney, Amnon, son of David, had the hots for his sister Tamar. His friend, Jonadab, told him how to get her, “Make thyself sick.” It was all over the pillow. And Tamar came and Amnon grabbed her and married her from the waist down. Tamar was woe; she put ashes on her head, and rent her garments, and she went on crying. And Absalom her brother sayeth, “Had a good shag?”
24. And Tamar crieth, “He rapeth me.” And she showed Absalom the blank cheque. She cried bitterly as she filled in the amount: a hundred thousand shekels.
“That should stop him fucking for some time,” said Absalom, but he hated Amnon for what and who he had done and swore vengeance. He inviteth all the king’s sons to a fork supper, and as they eateth potato salad with basil, he instructeth his servant Addit, “When Amnon is merry on the two-shekel bottle of wine kill him.” So Addit plunged the carving knife into Amnon’s back and he falleth forward into the Black Forest Gateau. At this all the king’s sons got on their mules and ran like hell for safety. When David heard the news he stopped doing it, he and his servant wept very sore, and they useth Ponds’ Cold Cream.
25. Meanwhile, Absalom fled as fast as his ass would go. The king said to Joab, “Go, bring Absalom back, but let him not see my face.” It was the nose job. Absalom came back, but did not see David’s face, or the nose job. Absalom polled* his head every year; he polled his head because the hair was heavy, so he polled it.
≡ Shaved.
He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels king’s weight, which wasn’t much for making thyself bald. He dwelt on two more years in Jerusalem, but saw not the king’s face; occasionally, he saw a leg. Absalom inviteth Joab to supper, but he cometh not, so Absalom goeth to Joab’s field of barley and set fire to it. Then Joab came to supper asking, “Why hast thou set fire to my field?”
“I was cold,” said Absalom, and Joab hitteth him straight in the conk and it spreadeth around his face and unto his ear.
26. So Joab sent back to David, who sayeth, “I see you’ve had a nose job too.” Then came Absalom; by now David’s nose job was better and he kissed Absalom; hello sailor. Now Absalom swore he would dethrone David, and he went among the people telling lies about David, only stopping to kiss the men. And a messenger came to David saying the people were massing behind Absalom because he was so lovely; bald but lovely.
27. David hastened to flee the palace, he changeth the locks, he left behind ten worn-out concubines on recharge; outside he had a chariot waiting with the horses running and he fled and tarried in a place far off – it might have been Lewisham. And Ittai the physician came and said, “The nose job wasn’t so good.”
“I’ll sue BUPA,” said David.
Ittai sayeth, “As the Lord liveth, and as my lord the king liveth, surely in what place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will thy servant be.”
“What the bloody hell are you talking about?” said David.
And Ittai burst into tears. “You’re so cruel,” he said.
And David said, “Go and pass over.” So he passed over, then the people passed over, and the king passed over, everyone else passed over. What they were passing over, the Bible doesn’t say.
28. The king said to Zadok [Who?], “Take back the ark of God into the City, and pray I will find favour with the Lord. I will tarry in the plain in the wilderness, until there come word from you to certify me.”
So he tarried in the wilderness, he tarried here, he tarried against a tree, a wall and out the window. Zadok [Who??] carried the ark to Jerusalem and he tarried there. And David went up Mount Olivet and he wept as he went, because he could not afford the ski lift. When he got to the top he tarried again, and there drew nigh Hushai the Archite, a Daily Telegraph clue; his coat was rent and he had earth on his head, most people have hair but he had earth.
29. David said, “Why goest thee in ragged raiments?”
And when Hushai the Archite said, “It’s something to do with the shortage of money,” David said, “If thou passeth on with me, then thou shall be a burden unto me.”
“I don’t know what the bloody hell you are talking about,” said Hushai the Archite.
“Neither do I,” said David.
When David was a little over the top of the hill, Ziba [Who?] met him with asses, two hundred loaves of bread, and a bottle of wine.
“Is this what you call room service?” said David.
Ziba said, “The asses be for the king’s household to ride on; the bread is for the young men to eat; the wine is to get pissed on.”
David travelled on his ass to Bahumrim on the M20. As he arriveth, a nut called Shimei cursed him. “Bugger off,” he crieth and hurled stones. “You bastard,” said Shimei, “one of your concubines is my daughter and she said you used appliances on her.”
“It’s only a feather duster,” said David, as the stones bounced off his head.
Then said Abishai, “Why should you take all this, let me go and take off his head.” So he went and cut it off. At once the stoning stopped and so did Shimei.
30. It came to pass, Hushai the Archite, David’s friend, came unto Absalom and sang, “God save our gracious king, long live our gracious king, God save our king, send him victorious, happy and glorious, long to reign over us, God save our king.”
“Don’t give up your day job,” said Absalom.
Then Ahithophel, another crossword clue, took Absalom to one side and joined him there: “Go thou unto thy father’s concubines and restart them.”
31. So Absalom goeth and giveth each concubine a thousand-mile service. For him to rest in, they spread a tent on top of the house, he goeth in, he sneezeth and he goeth through the roof. Then said Absalom to Ahithophel, “Give counsel as to what I should do.”
“First,” said A
hithophel, “get up off the floor, then have the roof mended.” Now Ahithophel counselled in those days like an oracle of God so his counsel was both with David and Absalom, the two-faced bastard.
32. Meanwhile, the concubines were crying for David; they were missing the whips and the leather gear. Now Ahithophel, asshole that he was, said to Absalom, “Let me take a thousand men and pursue David to death by the fifth rib.” But Hushai the Archite warned Absalom, “David is a man of war and has a mighty army – he won’t be a pushover.” So Absalom stayed Ahithophel’s hand, knee and foot. Hushai the Archite sent warning to David: “Stop not to tarry anywhere, but speedily pass over. Best wishes, Hushai.” Now Jonathan and Ahimaaz stayed by Enrogel [Enrogel! The ointment that masters piles]. Absalom was seeking them out, but they found a well and they went down and hideth. They cometh up next morning soaked, with pneumonia, and they goeth to David and warneth him that Absalom wants to kill his fifth rib. David goeth white as a sheet and let one go, then at speed David and his removal vans crossed the River Jordan, taking everything, including Weetabix. There came to pass a mighty Third World battle twixt David and Absalom, David outsmoted Absalom by a hundred smotes to ten, and Absalom fled on a mule.
33. But as he rode under the thick boughs of a great oak and his head caught in a fork, the mule went away leaving him hanging there, where Joab slew him. They cast his body in a pit and laid a heap of stones on him; he’d never get out. Then Joab gave a blast on the trumpet and his trousers falleth down, showing a healthy balance.
David sat by the city gates, and a watchman went up on to the roof. He lifted up his eyes and fell off, landing at the feet of David. “What’s happening?” said David.
“I don’t know,” said the watchman, “I’ve just got here.” In the distance two runners approached. The watchman said [and I don’t believe this], “Me thinketh the running of the foremost is like the running of Ahimaaz, the son of Zadok.”
The Bible, the Old Testament Page 11