21. Now while Rehoboam ruled over Judah, Jeroboam, on a show of hands and money, became king of Israel, with a company pension included. Jeroboam built a house on Mount Ephraim but it was timeshare and after three weeks he had to move out. Whereupon the king took counsel and made two calves of gold and [wait for it] he said unto them: “It is too much for you to go up to Jerusalem: behold thy gods.”
22. And that’s what he was doing when they came to take him away. He sendeth one calf to Bethel and one to Dan; this was a sin, and from a cloud there cometh rumbling from the Lord and He was wrath for, around the golden calves, they whoopeth it up and get pissed. Many old soldiers doeth the last turkey in the shops. A man of God came by, singing king Solomon’s greatest hits. Jeroboam said, “Great, convert thy house and do a cabaret and I will reward thee in cash.”
And the man of God said, “The Lord sayeth I will not go with thee, neither will I eat bread nor drink water.”
But an old prophet of Bethel talketh him into it and he came and drank Highland Spring water and ate wholemeal bread with Marmite. The Lord was wrath with rage. He set the man on an ass, on the way a lion set on him and it slayeth him. So endeth a man of God.
23. And the Lord spoke from a fiery bush, the temperature inside being 102 degrees Fahrenheit. He poureth with sweat and He loseth a stone. He called out, “I will bring evil on the house of Jeroboam; I shalt increase the mortgage payments and I will cut off from Jeroboam that which pisseth against the wall, I will take away the remnants of his house, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.” Despite this warning, when Jeroboam stepped outside he treadeth in it. When Jeroboam was nine hundred he died. They buried him standing up for it was cheaper. Now his nit of a son with a name like floor cleaner, Nadab, ruled.
24. And Rehoboam, the son of Solomon, reigned in Judah. He died of the deafness; there cometh a steamroller behind him and he heareth it not. His son with a name like a conserve, Abijam, ascended the throne, but tripped, fell, broke his neck and died. As he was only five foot three his was the shortest reign on record. His son with a name liketh the logo for an engineering company, Asa, mounted the throne, but had to wait ‘till they’d got his father’s body off. Asa did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord. He starteth at the bottom, he took away the sodomites and closed all gay bars. He removed all the idols his father had made. He also removed his mother Maachah from being queen because she had made an idol in a grove, Gary Glitter. Then bad news for Asa, he dieth and the obituary in the Jewish Chronicle sayeth: “King Asa dead, fish knives for sale.”
25. And they goeth to his son Jehoshaphat and said, “Good news, your father’s dead, you’re king.” Meanwhile, Nadab reigned in Israel and he did evil in the sight of the Lord. He swingeth cats around by the tail, he throweth banana skins in front of old ladies and he putteth Clingfilm over toilets. But Baasha conspired against him and Baasha smote him at Gibbethon; it was only a glancing smote, leaving a bruised knee. Baasha was heartbroken that he hadn’t killed him so he went and killed Asa and reigned in his stead.
26. And when he reigned he smote all the houses of Jeroboam, he smote all the windows and naileth up the toilet doors, and putteth Superglue in the locks. Now the Lord dredgeth up another ninny to keep the Bible going: Jehu, son of Hanani, who was a haddock stretcher at a fish-squirting factory. And the Lord said to the creep, “Jehu, I have exalted thee out of the dust [He found him in a garbage can], and made thee prince over Israel, and thou [He’s going to change his mind again] hast made my people of Israel to sin.”
“How could I?” sayeth Jehu, “I’ve only just come out of a dustbin.”
“Silence when you speak to me,” sayeth the Lord. “He that dieth of Baasha [Dr, Dr, I think I’ve got Baasha] shall the dogs eat; woe to them that give them Pal.” Then came the word of the Lord against Baasha, the word was ‘overdraft’. Baasha rent his clothes, beat his breast causing multiple bruising, he then dieth.
27. There be Zimri, captain of chariots. One night he getteth drunk on Château Latour 1900 BC, a deep, smooth, velvety taste balanced with very little acid, good with red meat. He staggereth to Asa and smote him dead, and Zimri became king. His first kingly duty was to slay all the house of Baasha; it was terrible, they had to disinfect the place. Wonderful – from piss artist to king in one go!
28. A resume: according to the Lord, all the people of Judah and Israel are each and every one committing evil, the frustrating part is, apart from sodomy, no one knows what these evils are. After Zimri, the piss artist, had destroyed the house of Baasha, it says, “He left him not one that pisseth against a wall.” There goeth around that Zimri hath killed Asa; the autopsy sayeth it was his fifth rib, and they appointed Omri, Asa’s accountant, to sue Zimri for damages leading to a severe case of death, but Zimri sayeth he is bankrupt. Omri gathereth an army and attacked Zimri, but his bottle goeth, and he burnt the king’s house and his bank statements over him with fire and he died. He was cooked to a nicety, like one of Bernard Matthews’ turkeys he was ‘bootiful’.
29. The people of Israel were divided in two parts: half followed Tibni, the other half Omri – they settled their differences very easily, Omri killed Tibni. And, here it comes again, Omri wrought evil in the eyes of the Lord, and did worse than all before him. He wore his underpants back to front, feeleth little girls’ bicycle saddles, and he showeth himself like one of the Chippendales. It came to pass, Omri slept with his fathers and was buried; a nasty thing to do to a person when he’s only asleep.
30. Ahab, his son, now ruled; he hath all the charisma of an out-of-order phone box. And Ahab did evil in sight of the Lord (His pillar of cloud overlooked Ahab), he eateth hamsters.
31. And from B&Q he buildeth a do-it-yourself altar to Baal. The Lord striketh the land with drought, and, lo, there was a ban on chariot washing. And the prophet Elijah, who was on income support, said unto Ahab, “No rain shall fall these years.”
And the Lord spoke from in a thundercloud and He goeth deaf, “Get thee hence,” so Elijah got hence. “Turn thee east and go to Cherith.”
“But, Lord,” said Elijah, “Cherith is west.”
“Is it?” said the Lord, “go west then; I have commanded ravens to feed thee.”
Elijah got to Cherith and the ravens brought him bread and flesh to eat, but Elijah complaineth and they bringeth him instead a Cornish pasty, peas and chips.
Then he asketh the Lord for apple pie and custard and, lo, the ravens bringeth it, and a bill for thirty shekels. And Elijah crieth out, “Lord, I am skint,” and the Lord blessed him. “That’s no bloody good,” said Elijah.
32. “Arise,” said the Lord.
“I’m up as high as I can get,” said Elijah.
“Go,” said the Lord, “to Zarephath; there a woman will sustain thee.”
So Elijah, the prophet, sponger and scrounger, went thence – and saw the woman and started to scrounge. “Woman, bring me, I pray, a morsel of bread.”
She sayeth, “I have none, but I have a handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse.”
“That’ll do,” said the hungry bugger. And he lived on the woman many days until her food runneth out, and Elijah doeth a moonlight.
33. The Lord said unto Elijah, “Go into the desert and show thyself unto Ahab and I will send rain.” So Elijah and Ahab meeteth face to face; a nasty shock for both of them. The Lord sent rain and they were both soaked. As an encore the Lord sent a famine.
34. And Elijah challenged Ahab as to who was the true god, the Lord or Baal. “Kill two bullocks, one for you, one for me – place them on wood – you call Baal to set fire and I will call on the Lord.” Ahab calleth for fire, it cometh not; then Elijah called the Lord and, lo, the fire lighted. And Elijah said, “Well, there goes your god, Baal.”
But some still believeth and say, “Please, can we have our Baal back.”
Ahab taketh down the altar to Baal. “I’ll never go to B&Q again,” he said. And Elijah repaired the altar of the true L
ord, using plaster board and Araldite. To wind up the end of Baal, Elijah sayeth, “Take the false prophets of Baal down to the river.” There Elijah slew them. Good old Elijah. The Jewish Chronicle said “God beats Baal in setting fire to oxen.”
35. Elijah said unto Ahab, “Celebrate, go eat and drink,” and he did, while Elijah went to the top of Mount Carmel with sandwiches, and he cast himself on the earth and spraineth both wrists. He put his head between his knees and, lo, he can seeth up his bum. The hand of the Lord was on Elijah; and he girded up his loins, which took some time as he was well endowed in that area. Elijah went into the wilderness, Slough.
36. He called to the Lord, “Take away my life for I am not better than my father’s.” People who had seen his say it was much better than his fathers. Rather than pay for a room, Elijah goeth in a cave and the Lord sayeth unto him, “What doest thou here, Elijah?”
“I draweth a circle in the sand, then I stand in it on one leg and I whistle ‘My Yiddisher Mama’, then I leap out of the circle and I shout ‘Stop that whistling’,” said Elijah.
The Lord sendeth down an angel with Valium tablets. The Lord said to Elijah, “Go and stand on a mountain before the Lord.” Behold, the Lord passed by a strong wind, rent the mountain and Elijah bloweth over. After the wind cometh the earthquake; it splitteth the ground and Elijah fell in.
Then comest a great fire storm and Elijah calleth, “Lord, Lord, come down.”
The Lord sayeth, “No, it’s too dangerous.”
37. It came to pass that Ahab spoke to Naboth saying, “Give me thy vineyard, and I will give ye a better vineyard of Cabernet Sauvignon.”
And Naboth sayeth, “No, I prefer my Traminer grapes.”
Ahab goeth white with anger and red with anger, turning him into a delightful pink colour. He goeth to his bedroom, laid him down on his bed, and turned away his face, cricking his neck.
Jezebel, his wife, heard the crack; she asketh him what ailed him, he telleth her about Naboth. “The little shit,” she said, “leave him to me.” So Ahab left him to her. She taketh football yobboes and they stoned Naboth to death. He never recovered from the shock. Jezebel telleth Ahab, “I’ve killed Naboth for you.”
He sayeth, “You little darling.”
38. And the Lord speaketh, with a wobbly voice from inside a jelly, “In the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth, shall they lick thy blood, rhesus negative. I will bring evil on thee like haemorrhoids and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall.”
“Lord,” sayeth Ahab, “please don’t cut mine off, I’m the only one that pisseth against the wall; the loo is out of order.”
The Lord said, “I will make thine house like the house of Jeroboam.”
“That will need two extra bedrooms, another toilet, a patio with plastic windbreaks,” sayeth Ahab.
And the Lord sayeth, “The dogs shall eat Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel.”
“Oh,” said Ahab, “can’t they have her from a bowl?” But Ahab was feared of the Lord’s threat of haemorrhoids and a sore arse, so he rent his clothes, he putteth on rancid sackcloth, he putteth ash on his face and dirt on his head. And Jezebel sayeth, “You scruffy bugger, you’re not coming into the palace like that, I’ve only just had the throne cleaned and dusted.”
39. It came to pass that the Israelites went to war with the Syrians and Ahab asked the prophet Micaiah which way the battle would go and he speaketh gobbledegook. “When thou shalt go into an inner chamber and hide thyself.”
Then sayeth the king, “Put this fellow in prison, feed him bread of affliction and with wafer of affliction.”
40. But the jailer sayeth, “We only haveth wholemeal and Perrier.” And Ahab goeth to war and a certain man [observers say they were pretty certain it was a man] drew a bow and smote the king of Israel between the joints of the harness.
And Ahab crieth out, “Driver, turn the meter off, stop the chariot.” And he dieth without paying the driver, and he bleedeth all over the chariot and the driver receiveth compensation through the small claims court. They carrieth Ahab’s body back in state and the physician sayeth, “In his condition the best thing is to bury him.”
41. Now his son, Ahaziah, reigned in his stead. And a spotty her bert, the son of Asa, called Jehoshaphat, a name that sounded like a fat bum being smacked, ascended the throne of Judah. He walked in the ways of his father into doors, walls and lamp posts. And he did that which was not right in the sight of the Lord. He picketh his nose and nicked them at the cat, and he walked in the way of his father and in the way of his mother, which was the other direction, and he knoweth not whether he cometh or goeth. And the sodomites he removeth from the land, so that people could bend down with safety. And Jehoshaphat slept with his fathers, and was buried with them.
CHAPTER XIV
About now Ahaziah, son of Ahab, fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber; why would one put lattice over a chamber? The Lord works in mysterious ways, this was another one of them.
2. And the king asked what manner of man was Elijah and they said, “He was an hairy man, girt with a girdle of leather about his loins.”
“Oh kinky, eh?” sayeth the king. To make himself look taller Elijah sat on a mountain. The king sent fifty men. They sayeth to him, “The king sayeth, come down.”
3. “I’m buggered if I will,” sayeth Elijah. “Tell you what, if I be a man of God, then let fire come down and consume thee.”
A smoke alarm goeth too late, fire cometh down from heaven and consumed all fifty and the Lord sayeth, “Did I get them?”
“Spot on,” sayeth Elijah and resetteth the smoke alarm.
Again the king sent fifty men and they said, “Elijah, the king says come down quickly.”
He sayeth, “If I be a man of God, etc., let fire, etc., come down and consume thee, etc.” The smoke alarm goeth and fire cometh down, etc., and consumed them all. And Elijah sweepeth up the ashes and put them on the tomato plants. There came again fifty men but this time they weareth asbestos suits. Behold, the angel of the Lord cometh and said, “The Lord is out of firelighters – pray go down to the king.” So Elijah goeth and speaketh to the king, “Thus saith the Lord. Thou shalt not come down off that bed on which thou art gone up, thou shall die.” So the king died.
4. The Lord had promised Elijah he would take him to heaven by a whirlwind. Elijah said could he take his friend Elisha [new prophet], but the Lord sayeth it was only a single-seater whirlwind. And people said to Elisha, “Knowest thou the Lord will take away thy master from thy head today?”
“I didn’t know my master was on my head,” said Elisha.
5. Elijah sayeth unto Elisha, “Tarry here.” So Elisha had a good tarry lasting thirty minutes; the world’s record for a tarry is thirty-eight. Then they departed for the River Jordan; there Elijah took his mantle and smote the waters, and they divided hither and thither.
“Look what you’ve done, Elijah,” said Elisha, “you’ve hithered and thithered the waters.” Then he speaketh mumbo jumbo. “Before they take you away from me, let a double measure of thy spirit be mine.”
“I’ve only got bells,” said Elijah.
“Yes, I know,” said Elisha, “I can hear them.”
And then, behold, the Lord sent down a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and Elijah was taketh to heaven, all the while calling for the fire brigade and trying to beat the flames out. Then Elisha took up Elijah’s mantle that he’d dropped in panic, and he went back and stood by the bank of the Jordan, but they didn’t open until ten o’clock and Elisha called, “Where is the Lord God of Elijah?”
And a voice from heaven calleth, “He’s up here, trying to put the fire out.”
Then Elisha took hold of his clothes and rent them in two, his underpants giveth away and, lo, he was exposed even unto his members, which were at their best in the sunlight.
6. He went thence to Bethel to have a wig fitted.
There came forth little children who shouteth, “Go up,
thou bald head; baldy, where’s yer wig?”
And he cursed them. “You little bastards, bugger off.” But they bugger not off, then came from out of the wood two she bears and they killed and ate forty and two children. Then Elisha, the man of God, went to Mount Carmel to test his new wig for wind resistance.
7. Now Jehoram, the son of Ahab, began to reign over Israel, and he wrought evil in the sight of the Lord. At parties he would let go a butler’s revenge*.
≡ A lethal, quiet fart.
And Mesha, king of Moab, rendered unto the king of Israel a hundred thousand lambs and a hundred thou sand rams, so for months after they were all treading in sheep shit. And the king of Israel complaineth about all the shit, and the king of Moab was wrath and so started the Biblical sheepshit wars. So Israel, Judah and Edom all joined forces to attack Moab as they were all fearful of any more sheepshit. King Jehoshaphat said, “Which way shall we attack?”
And Jehoram sayeth, “Through the wilderness of Edom.”
“Isn’t that the B2039?” said Jehoshaphat.
“Yes,” said Jehoram, “we join it at the intersection of the B319.” Before battle they bringeth a minstrel to give the troops heart and he singeth ‘My Yiddisher Mama’, and the hand of the Lord came upon him, making it very difficult to play.
8. Then the Lord giveth the battle briefing: “Ye shall smite every city, fell all good trees, stop all wells and water, mar every piece of good land with stones.” It was an environmental disaster. Then the Israelites rose up and smote the Moabites, and they retreateth, but the Israelites went forward and smote them, they even went sideways and smote them. It taketh three smotes to kill a Moabite, but some were doing five and six – a complete waste of smotes. Now the king of Moab saw that he was being outsmoted, so he taketh his son and offered him for a burnt offering upon the wall. There was great indignation against Israel, the king of Moab taketh off his son, instead for a burnt offering he roasteth a Safeways’ chicken.
The Bible, the Old Testament Page 13