The only thing she knew for certain, in that very moment, was that she was more confused than ever. She was falling in love with both of them for completely different reasons.
Leo walked into the living room freshly showered and clean-shaven. As he knelt down to give her a kiss, Nora was aware of how good he smelled. He didn’t seem to have any reservations at all, and Nora wondered if he had dismissed her concerns completely.
“Good morning. Did you sleep well?” he asked, kissing her a second time.
“Not really,” she admitted, breathing in his aftershave, “but I have been enjoying the morning sun. How about yourself?”
“I slept great. Why don’t you go get dressed, and we’ll get some breakfast. I have somewhere I want to take you,” he suggested, a sense of calm about him.
Nora regarded him curiously.
“Where are we going?” she asked, taking the hand he offered her.
He helped her out of the lawn chair, pulling her into a loose embrace and whispered in her ear, “To the past.”
* * *
Leo pulled up to what looked like an abandoned water tower, and shifted his car into park. He looked thoughtfully over at Nora, his eyes filled with expression. He looked nervous, Nora thought, wondering why they were there. He gestured to her with a nod to follow him out of the car. She opened her door and met him behind the vehicle where he took her hand and led her over to the rusted out tower. Her eyes followed his as he looked up, his face pulled with worry. Nora waited patiently for him to speak, but he said nothing for several minutes.
“You were bang on the money last night, you know?” he began, his voice heavy with emotion. “I have been holding you at arm’s length.”
Nora nodded at him solemnly, wondering where this conversation was going. She didn’t want to make assumptions, but she felt hopeful that he was ready to break through whatever had him so bottled up.
“I’ve been doing that for years now, since my divorce, keeping women at arm’s length. It wasn’t a problem until now,” he continued, finally making eye contact with her.
She stared at him kindly, encouraging him to continue.
“See, the thing is, I was an emotional, impulsive, reckless kid, Nora. I was fucking angry when my parents moved here. I’d just lost both my grandparents and no one even talked about it. I had no way to work through my grief,” he stammered, as though he was struggling for words.
Nora took his hand and led him to a rotting picnic table that looked like it had a million stories of its own to tell. They climbed on top, resting their feet on the bench.
“Go on,” she urged, not letting go of his hand.
“Like I told you, my parents seemed deliriously happy and my brother didn’t seem affected by anything at all. He’s always been a really laid back guy,” Leo, looked at her briefly, as though wondering how much to share.
Nora nodded and squeezed his hand softly, afraid to interrupt him and spook him from continuing.
“The first few years I took my anger out on everyone and everything. I acted like a punk, truthfully. I knew it was tough for my parents, but I didn’t care, I wanted them to suffer, but eventually my rage turned inward. Then depression set in. I didn’t fucking care if I lived or died. I had been acting like a complete jerk, so I had very few friends, and no girlfriend,” he explained quietly.
Nora could hear the pain in his voice, but she knew that the only way out of pain, was through it, so she let him talk.
“I self-medicated with alcohol and pot. I was in my senior year of high school and barely squeaking by. Life seemed pretty dismal for me, so one day I woke up and decided I was done,” he whispered, avoiding Nora’s eyes. He closed his mouth, as though afraid to go on.
“What do you mean?” she asked cautiously, even though she knew full well what he meant.
“I came here. To this water tower. It was pretty late, a Friday night. I was completely shit faced and had every intention of climbing to the top of this rusted out old bucket and throwing myself over the side. I hadn’t left a note or anything because I didn’t think anyone would care.”
Nora inhaled sharply, suddenly feeling anxious for Leo. She had no idea he had ever hurt that deeply. She squeezed his hand, hoping it would keep him grounded in the present.
“I know,” he said, as though he understood her intention, “it was messed up. Anyway, I’m not sure how I even made it to the top without killing myself, but I did. I sat up there for maybe twenty minutes, trying to summon the courage to fling myself overboard, when I saw some headlights pulling up. It was a kid from school, this nice guy I had in a few classes. I guess he was there to make out with his girlfriend, I dunno.”
Nora looked up, way up, to the top of the tower. She could imagine young Leo, leaning his arms over the rusty railing, drunk and afraid, and her heart ached for him.
“He obviously saw my abandoned car there and I watched him walk around the tower looking for me. When he finally looked up, I thought there was no way he would see me. It was too dark. I figured he would just go away, but he didn’t. I watched him lean into the passenger window and say something to his girlfriend. A few minutes later, she drove off, and the kid started climbing the tower,”
He went on to explain how this kid he barely knew talked him off the ledge that night. Leo said he was a fucking jerk to him at first, but the kid didn’t flinch. He just sat beside him, and let Leo rant and rave, unloading all his anger, puking all his rage over the side of the tower. He yelled and cursed and carried on until the tears started flowing. Leo insisted that his life was saved that night by that young kid. He put his arm around him and just let him cry it all out, and by the time his tears had dried, he knew things were going to be okay. Then his new found friend helped him climb down the tower and they talked for another hour, right on the same picnic bench that he and Nora were sitting on.
“It’s pretty remarkable that he happened to be in the right place at the right time,” Leo shuddered, as though it still gave him goosebumps. “And that he wasn’t afraid to just hold on to me. How many young guys would do that?”
“Not many, I imagine,” Nora agreed, equally awed by Leo’s account.
“He’s still like that, you know. Just a decent, sensitive guy. To this day we’re still best buds. I would do anything for him. He never fucking judges me,” he observed humbly.
This was a side to Leo that Nora had not yet seen and it warmed her heart. His vulnerability softened him, making him even more desirable.
“I would like to meet him,” Nora pressed hopefully, kissing his hand.
He smiled at her, nodding his head gently.
“There’s more, you know, if you want to hear it?” he offered reluctantly, as if he was worried he was over-burdening her. She assured him that she wanted to hear the rest.
“I met Corrine that night, my wife,” he said flatly.
She could feel him stiffening beside her.
“My new buddy and I decided to go to a bush party up in the mountains, apparently half the kids in town were there, including his girlfriend who agreed to meet him there. He drove my car of course, because I shouldn’t have been driving in the first place. When we got there I was surprised by how many people seemed happy to see me. Everyone was friendly. Maybe they always had been and I was just so lost in my own fucking misery I couldn’t see it. One thing was certain, my eyes had been opened that night. Once I had decided to live, life invited me back with open arms.”
It often happened that way, Nora thought. How many times had she witnessed her patients transform right before her eyes? Once they recognized that their suffering was a choice, that they could just set it down and walk away from it. The epiphany was like a curtain being thrown open and light flooding in.
“Corrine was sitting by the campfire. The first thing I noticed about her was her smile. Honestly, it was like a beacon of light on a very dark night. She was at the party with some girlfriends who had all taken off with some cute guys. I gav
e my new friend an elbow to the ribs and made my way over to her,” he reminisced, his voice soft with memory.
He said that they hit it off almost immediately, him and the girl with the beautiful smile. They talked, laughed and teased each other until about 3:00 in the morning, until he was sober enough to drive her home. He dropped her off that night, more hopeful than he had been in a very long time. Leo didn’t think it had been a coincidence that she had been at the party that night, either. It was as though the universe, God, source, or whatever the hell you wanted to call that greater power, made sure that their paths would cross. He said she was like an angel that came into his life just when he needed her the most.
They fell madly in love and spent almost every free minute together. She inspired Leo to get his shit together, and he did. He graduated high school, and then went on to college, until he decided that he wanted to be a fire fighter. He switched gears because he felt called to the profession and wanted to be of service to others. He knew what it felt like to be rescued, to feel protected, and he wanted to do the same for people.
It seemed like everything was perfect. He and Corrine got married as soon as his training was done, on the very spot that they had met. They were both twenty-four, old enough to commit to each other. Leo would have done anything for her. Making her happy became his life’s ambition, because seeing that smile every day was the glue that kept him together. She was his everything.
He obviously needed Nora to know how much Corrine had meant to him, so that she would understand why he was the man he was now, but more importantly, how she had ripped out his heart and buried it where he couldn’t find it—where no one would ever find it again. Nora sat in utter silence as she listened to him finally pour his heart out to her, awed by his courage.
“I came home after a really long shift. There’d been a massive barn fire in the next county and our crew had been called in as back up. I had told Corrine that I would be crashing at the fire hall that night, but my lieutenant sent me home as soon as we rolled back into the station. I was exhausted and of no use to anyone, and he could see that,” he explained quietly.
Nora could guess what happened next, and felt her stomach tighten for him.
“She was in our bed with another man, I don’t know who, I didn’t know him. I told that mother fucker to get the hell out of my house and he grabbed his fucking clothes off the floor and walked right past me, his dick still hanging out. She didn’t say a word for at least fifteen minutes. I kept asking her questions, but she said nothing. She just kept her head down, afraid to look at me,” he muttered, forcing the words out. “I shed more tears than she did, I think.”
Leo finished his recollection by telling Nora that Corrine asked him for a divorce. She had fallen in love with the man in their bed and she didn’t want to be married anymore. That was it. No further explanation offered, in spite of his pleading. The next day she moved out, and Leo shut down. He couldn’t understand how he’d gotten it so fucking wrong. He had been completely blindsided.
It took many months, but eventually Leo started dating again. He was a popular guy in town, and it didn’t take long for women to start throwing themselves at him. They all thought they could save him, mend his broken heart and all, but he didn’t want that. He never dated a woman more than a handful of times, because he didn’t want them to get too close. He had a four date rule and stuck to it, mostly. He said he generally dated younger women because they weren’t looking for anything serious. Most of them just wanted to have a good time. Women his age were more discerning, they had higher standards. They usually pegged him as a player within the first few dates and moved on of their own accord. It wasn’t his style to string anyone along, so as far as he knew, he wasn’t hurting anyone.
Nora didn’t wholly agree with that statement, but she bit her tongue. In her professional opinion, Leo was ‘avoidance coping’ to escape dealing with his unresolved feelings. He had spent the past ten years in emotional isolation, stagnating his own personal growth. As desirable and charismatic as he was, when it came to interpersonal relationships he had the emotional intelligence of an 18 year old. In her personal opinion, he was a lost soul, a lovable guy terrified to love. Did he even think he deserved love? Nora had her doubts. So, was he hurting someone? Yeah, he was hurting himself.
She wasn’t judging him though. In many ways she related to his story. After Devon left she avoided dating like the plague, throwing herself into her studies instead. She gave the impression that she was just studious, but the truth was, she had been terrified to get hurt again. When it came to relationships, she was almost as stunted as Leo was, albeit in different ways. They actually had more in common than their differences, which was probably why they were so drawn to each other. Now that she knew his story, everything made more sense.
“She died you know,” Leo uttered, so quietly Nora barely heard him. “Corrine. She was in a car accident a few years after we split. My rig was the first on scene.”
Nora looked up at him, her eyes filled with compassion.
“Oh God Leo, how awful,” she gasped, reaching out to touch his arm.
“It really was. She was already gone when we rolled up, probably died instantly,” he continued, “I honestly thought I was over her, but after she passed I grieved pretty hard. I don’t know, maybe there was a part of me that always hoped we would get back together. Her death was like instant closure, you know? Like a heavy, iron portcullis slamming down.”
Nora found his choice of words curious. A portcullis was a massive gate protecting a fortress, a pretty fool proof way to ensure no one could storm the castle. It had certainly been effective for him.
“I’m so sorry. I can understand why that would be painful, Leo,” she sympathized quietly.
He nodded dismissively, the way men do when they don’t want to appear fragile.
“I’m really proud of you,” she praised, gently nudging him. “I know that this isn’t easy for you.”
“It’s okay,” he assured, placing his hand over hers, “you make it easy.”
He leaned down and kissed her softly on the mouth, lingering long enough for the butterflies in her stomach to flutter. He pulled away and smiled at her, one of those sexy, tough guy grins that most women find irresistible. She leaned in for another kiss and he happily obliged.
“Thanks for listening,” he whispered, his smiling face only inches from hers.
She inhaled deeply, relieved that he finally opened up to her. She needed him to trust her, to let her in. She couldn’t see herself in any relationship that didn’t include open, honest communication. Earth shattering sex only went so far, and only half as deep.
“Always, Leo. You’re safe with me,” she promised, “no matter where you and I end up, I’ll always be a soft place for you to land.”
“Oh yeah?” he growled, “I like your soft landing places...”
“Well, what do you say we go home and put that hot tub to use?” Nora purred, putting her arms around Leo’s neck.
He nodded and kissed her on the cheek before sliding off the picnic table. She quickly followed suit, mindful of the splinters scarring the old wood.
Chapter 19
Leo
A few hours later, Leo and Nora lazily held each other, naked and exhausted on his bed. Their sex had been passionate, as it always was, but this time it was something else. Something Leo couldn’t quite put his finger on. Typically for Leo, sex was driven by a primal need, an urgency to fill that deep, cavernous hole inside himself, to feel a little less empty, even if it was only for a little while. If he was being honest, regardless of how good the sex was, there was always something missing. Today, as he held Nora in his arms, he felt protective, honest, and completely present. He was there for her, with her. Each kiss, every caress, was savored, even the taste of her was intimately sweeter. It was like he had been fucking all these years disconnected from his own body, his senses muted.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Nora chi
med in softly, her fingers teasing the soft hairs on his chest.
“My thoughts have cost you a fortune today,” Leo chuckled under his breath, “I’ll give you this one for free.”
“Deal,” she agreed, matching his playfulness. “What’s on your mind?”
“It’s hard to explain,” he began tentatively, trying to articulate his feelings. “Remember last night, you said you were thinking about us, how to define us?”
He glanced her way, to see her reaction. Nora nodded, encouraging him to continue.
“I’m not sure how to define us either, but I know that I want to figure it out. I’d like to share more than your bed,” he confessed, lacing his fingers through hers.
He could see her looking at him from his peripheral vision, and hoped she was smiling.
“What do you think? Wanna go steady?”
She inhaled deeply, as though formulating her thoughts. Leo calmly waited for her response, knowing that after everything he laid on her that day, she deserved his patience.
“I think we can definitely talk about it,” she finally stammered, her tone heavy with thought.
Leo smiled softly to himself, pleased enough with her response.
“I’m having a small get together at my place next week, Thursday night. Some of my brothers from the department and their wives are coming for a barbecue and a few beers, nothing formal. My buddy will be there too, the one I told you about this morning. We don’t get together often because of his schedule. I’d like you to meet him. Do you want to come?” he asked, shifting his body to face her.
Nora offered him a nervous smile, nodding her head tentatively. She looked hesitant.
“What is it?” Leo asked, wondering if he said something wrong.
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