And even now, Elric had no time for him.
You are out of control, Elric said.
I know, Galen said, his face bare. His shivering had grown more violent. I cant stop it.
Although Elrics face and chest were hot, his back was cool. Elric realized the heat was coming from Galen, radiating from him like a furnace.
Elric searched for the words that would help him reassert control. Then think of the last time you lost control, and how much you regretted it. Think of how much you owe the mages, and how grateful you were that you were given a second chance. Think of your tribute to Wierden, the care you put into it, the passion you felt for all she believed. Remember your commitment to obey the Code, and to prove yourself worthy to the Circle.
Galen averted his gaze, and his mouth tightened in a way Elric recognized. He was performing a mind-focusing exercise.
We do what we do for the good of all, Elric said. Our situation is grave. There is no simple answer, despite what you may think. It is our burden to find the best path. And it is your burden to follow. Think on that, while I am within. And know that if there is any opportunity for us to do good, I will fight for us to do it.
Galen glanced up at him, and the look on his face made his words unnecessary. I am sorry.
Elric wiped his forehead. The heat was decreasing. Violate the trust of the mages no further.
I will not.
Elric only hoped that Galen could maintain control until the Circles meeting was over. And that he would have the strength, then, to help Galen. We will talk when I come out. I promise it.
Galen nodded, looking downward.
With a final, anxious glance at Galen, Elric continued toward the meeting room. Once again, his duties to the Circle kept them apart.
The others in the passage seemed to remember that it was rude to stare and moved about, looking anywhere but at Galen or Elric. Ing-Radi followed him inside, and the large doors swung closed behind them.
Galen walked stiffly down the passage away from the others, shivering, arms still wrapped across his chest. Energy raced through him, searching for outlet. He added letter after letter to his mind-focusing visualization of the alphabet, and as the neat row grew, it became more and more difficult to hold them all in his mind at once. Yet even the demanding exercise could not calm him. He had energy he must release.
He turned down a narrow side passage, found himself alone. A small maintenance room provided privacy. The energy could not be allowed to do harm. He wanted no one to detect it, no one to question him. Yet if he could just release some small piece, he hoped he would be able to wait through the Circles meeting until Elric returned.
Releasing his energy in the attack on Elizars chrysalis had brought him no relief, but Galen could think of nothing else to try. If he did not expend some of the energy burning through him, he feared it would slip out of his control. And if some conjury slipped out, no one could alter or dissolve it but him. He felt feverish, racked with chills.
He was ashamed of his conduct. The anger hed tried to bury after attacking Elizars chrysalis had welled up out of him againa great anger at everything that had happened, an anger much deeper and more intense than hed known. And with it he had struck out at the one person who had tried to help him. He had yelled in public at ElricElric, to whom he owed everything. He must not do so again. He must bring himself back under control.
What had happened was his fault, more than anyone elses. His choices, his failures. If there was anyone he should be angry at, it was himself. If there was anyone the energy should strike at, it was himself.
He would bring the energy down upon himself. Perhaps it would shock him back into stillness.
He regularly scoured his scalp, cheeks, and chin of hair, in a limited way re-creating the experience of his initiation. The pain was intense but brief; he had grown used to it. To release a greater amount of energy, generate a higher level of pain, he would scour his entire body. He would leave his head untouched, so there would be no sudden loss of eyebrows to draw attention to what hed done.
He made the plan in a moment, visualized the blank screen in his minds eye, imposed the equation upon it. The tech eagerly echoed the spell.
A ball of brilliant blue light appeared above him, shot downward. Fire rushed over his body like living lava, searing him, consuming the hair from his body. His skin screamed with pain. He gasped.
Again.
The blue fire fell upon him with ragged claws. They raked down his skin, scouring the outer layer away. Galen stumbled, doubled over.
His hands quivered, red, raw. The touch of his robe against his skin awakened pain in countless nerve endings. He had forgotten how much it had hurt.
The tech raced, eager to bring the fire down upon him again. Galen forced the screen in his minds eye blank. It already hurt like hell, and now he realized that, sharing a room with Fed, it would be hard to hide the damage he had inflicted upon himself. Much of his epidermis was gone, burned away. Soon would follow inflammation, and some weeping of the skin. He realized the irony. He had wanted to become a mage to heal.
He slowed his ragged breathing, trying to calm himself. This had to be one of the stupider things hed done.
Yet it had helped. As he straightened, he found he was no longer shivering. And the pressure to act had lessened somewhat. The agitating energy of the implants had faded, overshadowed now by pain.
He had released some of the anger, and he had hurt only himself. It hurt so much, he could think of little else. If he could not fade like a ghost from the present, he could at least distract himself from it.
Trying to move normally, he went out into the passageway, walked back toward the Circles meeting room. He would wait for Elric, and he would apologize for his conduct.
The tops of his boots dug into his burning skin. His robe scraped like sandpaper against his shoulders. Even so, he found his mind returning to the harsh words he had spoken. When hed yelled at Elric, he realized, hed sounded just like Elizar, talking of secrets of power and deceptions by the Circle. The similarity frightened him.
And yet, nearly everything Elizar had told him had proven true. Kell had known of the Shadows return. He had sent two inexperienced mages to investigate rumors of that return, hoping they would find nothing. If those accusations were true, then were the others Elizar had made true as well?
I tell you that the Circle has led us astray. They have lied to us, again and again. They have so constricted our powers that we are now only a shadow of what we once were .
Galen took a place against the wall, away from the others. He could not allow himself to be drawn into those thoughts. He pressed his back against the cool metal wall, his robe scraping against his raw skin. He must remain calm.
He focused on the two large doors opposite him. Eventually they would open, and Elric would emerge, and Elric would help him. Perhaps there was a task he could be assigned that would take him out of the facility, that would allow him to work alone. Perhaps he could be allowed to stay on his ship. All the mages were being housed within the facility, for security, but Elric might get special permission for him. It was common knowledge that mages did not get along well with one another. Surely they could make some accommodation to separate him from the rest.
Then, perhaps, he could force the anger away, still the restless energy, bury the memories one last time.
About a hundred mages waited in the wide passage. Though a few glanced his way, none approached him, for which he was thankful. Word of his argument with Elric had no doubt spread. Now that the sleepwalker had awoken, perhaps they would leave him alone and allow him to return to sleep.
Yet no sooner had he thought this than Alwyn came toward him. Why couldnt they just leave him alone?
Galen began an inventory of his pain, beginning at his shoulders and working his way down, intensifying the burning, prickling discomfort with his focus. Everything Elric had said to him was true. Galen had sworn himself to the Circle, to earning t
heir faith in him, and he must not lose his way. The Circle and the Code had brought the early techno-mages to peace, had allowed them to focus on knowing all that could be known, and on using that knowledge to create magic, beauty, and good. He must put the Circle and the Code first, even if it was more difficult than he had ever imagined. It was no more than Elric demanded of himself.
Alwyn stopped beside Galen, appraised him with obvious concern. I heard about your fight with Elric. I didnt mean to be the cause of trouble between you. Elric is a good man. Very nearly as stubborn as I am. But hes trying to do what is best for the mages. My concerns are a little more selfish. I want to do the best thing for me. And for me, the best thing is to stay and fight. Ive made my decision. I was a fool to think the Circle would change. He shook his head with a glance upward. I ought to know better after all these years. Wishful thinking, I suppose. Ill offer any help that is wanted or needed to bring the mages safely to their hiding place, but I will not enter.
Alwyn was going to defy the Circle. Galen hadnt thought he would go through with it. And if Alwyn refused to go, perhaps others would as well. A group might remain to fight the Shadows.
Galen followed a line of pain down his spine. It wasnt enough. He should have brought the fire down upon himself a third time. He squeezed his hand into a tight fist, his nails digging into the raw skin of his palm. No distraction could ever make him forget. He had made his decision. Now he must live with it.
Several followers of Blaylock were standing nearby, including Gowen. They had overheard Alwyn, and they gathered around him.
You cant defy the Circle, Gowen said in disbelief. We are all sworn to them. Wierden established it: Our five wisest will form the Circle, which will guide and rule the techno-mages.
Alwyn dismissed the comment with a wave of his hand. Many times in our history the Circle has been defied, even overthrown. Its not my fault no one has had the guts to stand up to them in recent memory. Its about time someone shook things up.
But now was not the time, Galen thought. They needed to be focused, orderly, disciplined. Not shaken up. Calm. He forced his fist, finger by finger, to open, relax.
Gowens round cheeks drew up in displeasure. The Circle has been our salvation. They have held us together for a thousand years. They maintain our holy traditions and mysteries. They are the core of our order, the best of us. They stand between us and chaos.
Alwyns jaw was tight. More accurately, they cower between us and chaos.
Several mages, including Gowen, grunted disapproval, as Blaylock was known to do. Gowens bare eyebrow ridges contracted. Galen had never seen him this angry before. But then, no one had ever declared his intention to defy the Circle before. Gowen and the other mages crowded more closely around Alwyn, looking ready for a fight.
Carvin came to stand beside Alwyn. Galen pushed his back against the wall, adrenaline preparing him to meet any threat.
Gowens voice was hard. We carry a special blessing, bequeathed to us by the Taratimude in trust. The tech taps into the basic powers of the universe. It offers us connections: to devices, to one another, to planets, and ultimately to the universe. We cannot let it be corrupted.
It is technology, Alwyn snapped, revealing he too was ready for a fight. Theres nothing inherently good about it.
Our goal must be to attain a complete, spiritual union with the tech, and to gain the insight that enlightenment will provide. We are not meant to be soldiers.
Alwyn gave Gowen a hard stare. You mean the mages dont want to be soldiers. But then who does?
As the two glared at each other, Carvin broke the silence. But the Shadows are targeting us. How effective can we be at fighting them if theyre attacking us?
She was asking the question backward, as Galen had been until earlier today. The true question was this: Why were the Shadows attacking the mages unless the mages could be effective at fighting them?
And if that was so, then why didnt they stay and fight? He realized he had returned to where hed begun. He could not disobey the Circle; he could not obey. He was trapped, his thoughts caught in a loop, like the ouroboros, the snake that took its own tail in its mouth, consuming itself just as quickly as it regenerated. He would not go through it again. Yet he had no choice.
The doors to the meeting room swung open, and a rune of blue fire appeared in the doorway, the rune for solidarity.
Galen found he had a message. It was from Blaylock to them all, calling them to gather. The Circle had news.
This is their last chance to get it right, Alwyn said.
Galen started across the hall, trying to make his mind a blank. Elric had told him the Circle would not change its course. There was no sense hoping for it. He had searched for an end to this and found none. Wherever he went, whatever he did, his failure, his loss, would haunt him.
He had thought he could not live with it. But he had no choice. He would live with it, and he would retain control. If he had to scour every last cell of skin from his body.
* * *
chapter 6
Nearly five hundred mages were now packed into the same room where the Circle had met. Galen waited with them. Gowen had said it was a place designed for religious services. A plain dais ran across the front of the room, and narrow metal benches had been pushed aside to clear the rest of the space. Windows along one wall revealed the ragged mountains, their stone and ice tinted orange in the late-day sun. Other than that, the room was bare. Galen wondered if the last surviving members of the religious cult had prayed here as theyd starved to death. He could almost hear them, their voices whispering, pleading to be released quickly.
Galen stood at the front, since hed been one of the first to enter. Carvin and Alwyn stood to his left, Gowen and other followers of Blaylock to his right. Farther down he saw Circes pointed hat sticking out of the crowd.
The presence of so many in the confined space was oppressive. Bodies brushed against his. The cacophony of their voices was too loud. He imagined himself back on Soom, standing alone on a flat rock at the cliffs edge, looking down into layer upon layer of mist, listening to the susurration of the sea. The sound of death , Razeel had called it. He imagined stepping quietly off the cliff, falling peacefully through the soft, enveloping mist.
He could not sustain the image, though. His mind would not be still.
Hed been unable to apologize to Elric, who stood on the dais conferring with the other members of the Circle. Soon they would announce their plans, and whatever those plans were, Galen would comply. Then he would speak with Elric at last, apologize for his loss of control. And perhaps Elric would find some way to help him.
To quiet his mind, Galen studied the members of the Circle. He had admired and respected them as the wisest, the most skilled of their order. And though he had learned that they were fallible, he admired them still. Yet now they appeared diminished: aging, failing.
Only Herazade, who had never formed a place of power, seemed unchanged. Her long hair was a thick, glossy black, her movements strong, authoritative. When he had been called before the Circle, she had worn a formal black robe, her hair up. But now she wore a deep blue sari, and her hair was down. Apparently she had not had time to change for the meeting. Or perhaps, without Kell, she no longer felt the need.
Ing-Radi looked the weakest of them. She was the oldest, almost two hundred years, and now, with the destruction of her place, she finally showed it. Her orange skin had faded, revealing blue veins beneath the surface that ran in a pattern of starbursts over her bare head. Her four arms had always seemed active before, offering healing touches, adding graceful emphasis to her words. Now they hung at her sides. Something in her stance gave the impression the balance of her tall body was precarious, as if at any moment she could topple.
Blaylock too showed signs of change. He had been one of the first to Selic 4, which meant that he must have destroyed his place nearly a month ago. His black robe hung on him as if he were little more than bone. His pale face, scoured o
f all hair, was gaunt, and his skin had an almost waxy sheen. The black skullcap he wore formed a dramatic contrast against his high, pallid forehead.
Turning his attention to Elric, Galen saw a difference greater than the deepened frown lines between his brows. Elrics posture had changed. He had always stood erect, and he still did, yet now Galen sensed effort. His shoulders seemed forced back, held where they no longer naturally settled. His actions were stiff, hesitant, as if he was afraid movement might betray his condition. He would want to appear strong, Galen knew, for all of them.
He had suffered some kind of attack when he was with Alwyn. Galen berated himself again for arguing with Elric. Elric had cared for him for the last eleven years. Elric had brought order to his life, had taught him nearly everything he knew. Elric had been the unyielding wall of strength beside him in times of need. Galen had often thought that Elric was all he had. Now he realized that he was all Elric had. He should not be thinking of ways in which Elric could help him; he should be thinking of ways in which he could help Elric. Elric needed him, and Galen must be his wall of strength.
Many others were also weakened. They had crippled themselves before they had even tried fighting. Now it was too late. The only chance for him to fight was to break with the Circle, to break with Elric, to break Elric. He could not do that.
But if he stayed, could he stop himself from breaking?
Elric glanced toward him, and Galen realized he had a message. He opened it. We will speak after the meeting. I regret that we must be sent on different tasks. Duty requires much. But I will not leave until I am sure you are all right .
Elric was leaving, and he was not taking Galen with him. Elric feared Galen was unstable. Every word of his message showed it. And he was right. Galen didnt know how he could continue here without Elric.
Babylon 5 17 - Techno-Mages 02 - Summoning Light (Cavelos, Jeanne) Page 9