What was he thinking about? If she were with child, as she appeared to be, he would marry her. He didn’t want to marry any woman, not now, not ever. He was not a man who was meant to be married. He could not easily share his thoughts and feelings with another, and certainly not a woman. True, he had friends, female as well as male, but essentially he was a man who kept his own counsel. A wife would try to infringe upon his privacy and his freedom. He did not want that. After the fiasco with Leandra, he eventually came to understand that he was actually fortunate to have been rejected. But he did not want a child of his to be born a bastard. He had suffered with that shame all his life and did not wish it to fall upon issue of his own. No, he would not permit such a thing to happen.
He resigned himself that there was nothing for it but to again follow Madeline to the Highlands. The thought of facing her relatives once more left him with little sense of comfort. He always prided himself on being a man of good common sense, yet here he was putting himself into the vilest of situations and all for a girl who hated him!
♥ ♥ ♥
All through the trip, Madeline had comforted herself with the thought that she was going back to the only real family she had, the people her Maman would have wanted her to be with. But as Glencarnan Castle came into view, her confidence completely floundered. What if they looked at her the way Roland had? She did not think that she could stand it. She put extra coins into the hands of her coachman and footman, telling them that they should remain nearby, staying at the closest town which sported an inn, and she would send word of what her plans would be.
“I thank you, my lady,” Jim Wenders said, the coachman’s round, beefy face glowing with satisfaction. “We shall be waiting on you, on that you may depend.”
These were good, loyal servants and she felt secure knowing that the two men and her coach would be available if she needed them. In that way, she need not be a burden to anyone. Remaining in the Highlands was contingent upon her welcome by the MacCarnans. Where she would go and what she would do if they did not choose to accept her, she did not know. Perhaps she would arrange to be driven to the nearest large city where she might begin selling her mother’s jewels to support herself. She could not return to London. Roland was her legal guardian until she came of age and that was years away. He controlled her assets, but she would not let him control her life. If it meant hiding from him, then she must do it.
In her entire life, she had never been forced to live alone and the thought frightened her. She knew very well that a female alone, young, pregnant and unprotected was vulnerable, prey to all sorts of danger. She was also a stranger, a foreigner, in a country where she hardly knew the customs.
But what were her alternatives? She was safe from serious threats of robbery so long as no strangers guessed that she had valuable jewelry in her possession. Once that asset was gone, her situation would be dire. Madeline bit her lower lip fearfully wondering what kind of reception she would find at the manor house. It took all of her courage to knock at the door. The look she received from Jenny nearly made her turn right around, but suddenly Elizabeth was there, clasping her hands.
“Oh, Maddy, you’ve come back to us! I’m so glad.” Beth hugged her tightly and Madeline could not prevent tears from welling up in her eyes.
Beth called out for her mother. Anne was there quickly. She was not warmly affectionate, for that was not her nature, but she did welcome Madeline with a smile.
“I hope ‘tis well that I’ve returned. My brother was most unkind and I found that I could not remain with him in London.”
“Happen we missed you – Beth especially.”
“Wasn’t just Beth.” Madeline turned at the sound of the deep, booming voice, trembling slightly.
“Andrew, you’re back!”
“Aye,” he said with a broad grin. “I’m home after all. I’ve cheated the hangman ‘twould seem.”
“Colonel Eriksen promised, but I wasn’t certain that he was to be trusted.”
The MacCarnan’s eyes brightened like a grassy knoll on a sunny day. “A warrior’s word is best. There’s no deceit in it.”
Madeline would have said that Gareth Eriksen’s deceit seemed reserved for women, but thought it best to hold her tongue. After all, Gareth had saved the MacCarnan’s life, just as he promised.
“You must be tired after your long journey,” Anne commented. “We will have a room prepared for you.”
“Oh, let Maddy share with me like before,” Elizabeth said.
“Madeline may want her privacy,” Anne suggested carefully. Taut lines formed around her mouth.
Madeline shook her head. “I would very much like to share Beth’s room with her if she’ll have me.”
Elizabeth clapped her hands together happily. Madeline thought her young cousin looked so sweet and pretty at that moment with her small freckled nose upturned and her large green eyes sparkling like shining emeralds.
“You and I must have a talk a bit later,” Andrew told her. He bent over and kissed her on the forehead.
The way he looked at her, Madeline suddenly realized that no one had as yet told him that she was enceinte. She had not gained much weight and the loose gown disguised her changing shape well. Would she have to disillusion Andrew herself? The thought stabbed at her heart like a knife wound.
“I’m feeling very weary,” she said. “Perhaps I might rest for a time?”
Everyone was kind and Madeline found herself being led to Beth’s room. She removed her cloak and set it down on a chest near the bed. Beth came into the room and stood staring at her.
“Maddy, you look different. You look…” her cousin’s voice trailed off.
“Plumper perhaps?”
Beth nodded miserably. Her eyes lowered to the floor.
“I expect to have a child, Beth. I can’t do very much about that. It’s part of the reason I’m here really. Roland wouldn’t allow me to keep my babe after it’s born.”
Elizabeth’s eyes opened wide. “He wouldn’t? That’s terrible!”
“I agree. So I ran away and came here because I hoped that you would understand. But I don’t think that I can face your brother. I hate the thought of bringing him pain.”
“No one told him why you left. He wasn’t in any condition to hear bad news. They didn’t treat him very well in that English prison. His hands and feet were all raw with deep wounds from the chains they kept on him, and he was half-starved. Still, we’re grateful that he’s alive, even if his title and lands have been forfeit to the Crown.”
Madeline bent her head. How selfish she was, only considering her own situation. The MacCarnans were suffering dearly for their support of the Bonnie Prince. Their lives would never be the same. How she wished she could help them! Surely, there were hard times ahead for all the Scots who the English deemed traitors.
Madeline lay down on Elizabeth’s bed and closed her eyes. It was not a lie; she suddenly felt exhausted and was in need of sleep. That other life within her depleted her energy. The fears and stresses of the days drifted away.
♥ ♥ ♥
The following morning, she awoke hungry and rested. She was served a breakfast of hot porridge and accepted the food gratefully. As before, she had been careful to come with staple goods for her relatives, knowing how desperately grain was needed in particular. Madeline resolved not to be any greater burden to them than she needed to be.
It was several days before she actually had a private conversation with Andrew, for which she was much relieved. At the dinner hour, he came and joined the rest of the family. She wore a gray silk sacque that complemented her eyes. He looked at her with warm regard and she realized that he must still not be aware of the alteration in her condition because the gown successfully hid the fullness of her figure. As she looked into the admiring warmth of Andrew’s eyes, Madeline lost her appetite and hardly managed to eat any dinner.
“Have you lost your taste for salmon?” Anne asked.
She shook her
head. “No, I’m just not very hungry.”
“Well, you must do better,” Anne chided gently.
After the meal, Andrew turned to her. “I think we should be alone for a time and have a bit of a talk,” he said.
Madeline nodded her head, knowing that this could no longer be postponed. Nonetheless, she dreaded what must come. With a sharp look to Elizabeth, Anne announced that they would be retiring. There was no help for it; Madeline was left alone with the chief of the MacCarnan. Andrew led her to the drawing room where he seated himself beside her on a tartan-covered settee. He held her hand and did not let go of it.
“I’m no longer a man who can offer you much of a future, Maddy, my lass. I’ve no right to ask you to marry me anymore. Yet, I have feelings for ye. Though my prospects have been altered, my affection for you has not.”
“We’ve barely had a chance to know each other,” Madeline replied, looking into his eyes. She knew he could be a fierce man, but he looked at her with gentle regard. “I consider you a dear, good friend, someone I care about a great deal. But there’s something you must know, and it hurts me very much to tell you this. You see, ‘tis I who would be judged unworthy of you.” She took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly, staring into his unblinking eyes. “Andrew, I am going to have a child.”
“A bairn?” His uncomprehending eyes opened in surprise. “But how can that be?”
“There was a man. There shouldn’t have been but there was.” She felt her face redden and fixed her eyes on the floor.
“Aye, and who would the mon be?” His voice had the sort of calm that one might find in the eye of a storm.
“Does it matter?”
“Will this mon be wed to you, Maddy?”
She shook her head. “No, he does not even like me.”
“And yet he’s done this to you!” Andrew’s voice was filled with rage. “Tell me who he is, lass.”
She shook her head. “Better if you don’t know. Just forget about me as you can see I’m not worthy of you.”
“‘Tis not you I blame. You are my betrothed. There is a matter of honor here.”
“No, truly. Perhaps it was a mistake that I came back here. I see that now. I’m hurting you and ‘tis the last thing I would wish for. I’ll be gone in the morning and then you best forget me.” Madeline felt a great lump in her throat.
“Leave here?” he said in some confusion. His hands clasped her shoulders tightly. “Nay, you’ll not leave here. I won’t have it! I’ll marry you anyway. You’re still my betrothed, Madeline. This changes nothing for us.”
She stared at him in surprise. “You’re a dear man, Andrew MacCarnan, but I cannot let you do such a thing. You must have your own children.”
“I will. And I can accept this one as well since it is part of you, lass.”
Andrew put his arms around Madeline and kissed her warmly. The kiss was gentle and good although it raised no actual feeling except affection in her. For some reason that she couldn’t fathom, his kindness only made her heart feel sadder. As they came apart, Madeline realized that someone had walked into the drawing room. She turned and looked up, shocked to find the angry eyes of Gareth Eriksen boring into her.
Twenty-One
Gareth felt enraged and betrayed as he surveyed the silver-eyed girl, just as he had once before at the sight of Andrew MacCarnan kissing her. He realized it was not a rational reaction, but that only made him angrier.
MacCarnan turned and saw Gareth, then eyed him warily. “This is unexpected. You haven’t come to take me back I hope.”
“No, you’re free. You’ve sworn not to take up arms against His Majesty again and if you hold to that, you’ll never have a problem.”
“A MacCarnan never breaks his word,” came the stiff-backed response. “So then what brings ye here?”
“Other matters,” Gareth responded evasively.
“Well, consider yourself our guest for now. Ye have saved my life after all and I owe you that much.”
Gareth did not respond, aware of the awkwardness of his position.
MacCarnan eyed him thoughtfully. “Why are you not in uniform?”
Gareth hesitated. “I am no longer a soldier,” he replied with no vocal inflection.
“That’s something of a wonder, you being so dedicated. Why have you left the army?”
MacCarnan’s questions were making him uneasy. Still, he realized, the man had every right to inquire.
“It was time for me to leave His Majesty’s service,” he replied evasively. Under no circumstances did he want MacCarnan to realize that he’d left in order to secure the Highlander’s pardon. It would only provoke further questions he was unwilling and perhaps unable to answer.
Gareth gnashed his teeth as MacCarnan placed his arm possessively around Madeline’s shoulders, but he realized that he had no right to say anything about it. Madeline seemed uncomfortable, for she quickly removed the Scot’s arm and stepped away, tightening a woolen shawl around her.
“Perhaps I should let the two of you speak in private,” she said, not looking at either of them.
“Not at all,” Gareth hastened, “what I have to discuss can wait until morning.” He did not want to talk with Madeline at the moment, fearing that his temper would get the best of him and he might say or do something that he would regret later.
“Doubtless, you’ll want some rest now. We can accommodate you well enough,” MacCarnan said.
“I would prefer sleeping in the old castle as I did before,” he responded.
“Mon, you’ll catch your death there! ‘Tis a cold night and the place is nothing more than a moldering ruin.”
“I rather like it,” he persisted. “Besides, I can build a cozy fire within and be quite comfortable. I’m certain your mother would prefer it that way.”
At the reference to his mother, MacCarnan shrugged. “As you will. I’ll have some clean linen and blankets brought to you as well as kindling. I would not have it said that Highlanders are inhospitable.”
“By your leave then, we’ll confer in the morning,” Gareth said.
The chieftain nodded his head. Gareth took a final quick glance at Madeline de Marnay whose head was turned away from him. He could not help but wonder what thoughts and feelings were running through her lovely head. He was impatient to find out but decided that tomorrow morning would come soon enough. She had not changed that much, but the question of whether or not she was carrying a child was easily answered once she was seen, although she was not large as yet.
♥ ♥ ♥
After Gareth had gone, Madeline soon excused herself from Andrew and went to lie down in Elizabeth’s room. Her cousin was not asleep and the two of them spoke for a time. But Madeline did not confide in Beth concerning either Andrew’s proposal or Gareth’s return. Of course, Beth would know of both in the morning, but for now, Madeline could not bring herself to speak of either. Her mind was troubled and confused. She wished that she knew whether or not to marry her cousin. He was so kind, so affectionate. She could not marry a better man. But why did she not feel anything when he kissed her? Perhaps if he had kissed her the way Gareth Eriksen did, she would have felt something. Andrew kissed her with respect, as a man ought to treat a lady. Gareth had used her like a whore. She should not have responded to him with such passion! Of course, he’d thought the worst of her. How could she have behaved in such a wanton manner? And look at all the misery it had caused. Yet, God help her, she still wanted him, wanted to feel his arms around her.
She lay in bed, her mind unable to stop the torturing thoughts that possessed it. Finally, with Elizabeth fast asleep beside her, she quietly rose, placed a wrapper over her night-rail and slipped out the door. She had only intended to walk about the manor house for a while, but something prompted her to leave and walk the short distance to the castle. She carried a taper with her, shivering in the chill night air. Hurriedly, before she might lose her courage or change her mind, she walked up the stairs to the master chamber w
here she thought to find Gareth. Knocking quietly at the door, she waited nervously until his deep baritone voice commanded her to enter.
“Well, this is something of a surprise,” he said, surveying her coolly with his brilliant, azure eyes.
“I know that you wanted to talk with me in London. I need to know what it was about.”
His crystalline eyes had the clarity of a frozen lake mirroring the sky. “I rather thought your brother might have spoken to you about it.”
“Roland thought it best to keep me locked in my room. He wishes me to have nothing more to do with you.”
“So it would appear,” he responded dispassionately. “And you feel the same?”
“I am here, am I not?”
He smiled at her response, flashing dazzling porcelain teeth. “So you are.”
“And so you will tell me why you came to London – and why you are here.”
“First, let me look at you.”
She lowered her eyes, hugging her body with her arms. “I would rather you did not.”
“I won’t play children’s games with you, Mademoiselle. Your cousin, Anne, informed me that you were with child. I wanted to know if that is so, but I can see that it is. I must ask who has sired this child.”
She felt a sense of rage sweep over her. How dare he ask that question, the insufferable swine!
“Why not assume that the father of my child could be anyone of a score of men.”
“I see,” he responded in an infuriating calm tone of voice. “So I might be the child’s father or I might not be.”
“Assume you are not. You are only one of a myriad of lovers who I have known, is that not so?” She was so angry that she felt like punching him. Her hands became clenched fists. Her body trembled with barely controlled rage.
“How good of you to tell me,” he responded dryly. “In fact, awfully good of you not to try to hold me responsible. Now I can sleep without a care in the world.”
The Chevalier Page 21