by Shey Stahl
It’s my turn to act offended. “What bedroom eyes? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. And by the way, I got nothing against you being a lesbian. I’m an equal opportunity kind of guy, but mind if I watch?”
“You’re sick!” She pushes me away, but do you notice the smirk? I do. She’s struggling to hold her curtness.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” Laughing, I tip my head to the door. “Where are the hooligans?”
“Inside with Cat. I’ll get them.” It’s then she motions me inside her condo. I don’t come in here very often. It’s usually me calling Ember over to my condo, which, by the way is right next door.
“Wanna keep them? Or maybe just one or two?” I’m teasing, but I gotta admit, part of me would probably take her up on the offer should she accept it. Maybe split custody?
Ember side eyes me but keeps walking. “Nope.” She’s always had a calmness about her—a self-confidence I enjoy around me. You usually don’t see that with women. It’s usually them throwing themselves at me. Not Ember. The two times we’ve gotten close to having sex, it’s been me who initiated it. Which is why I’m beginning to question if she’s a lesbian. Or maybe turned into one after her and Justice broke up. Don’t even get me started about Justice. It will only piss me off.
Ember grabs Adler by his shoulder. “Your uncle is here. Time for you to stop controlling my television for the day.”
Adler rolls his eyes and hands her the remote. “Like I said, his is bigger.”
I can’t help but laugh. My eyes, my very much amused ones, move to Ember’s. And what do you know, there’s a pinkness to her cheeks. Great minds think alike after all. It’s fucking adorable, and my cock stirs to life, again.
Down boy. There are children present.
Ember clears her throat. “Well, not all of us make millions a year like your uncle.”
Adler shrugs. “Guess so.” And then he steps toward me. “You forgot to leave us a key.”
“I shouldn’t have to leave you a key because,” I look down at him, scowling, “I told you not to leave. And Ember has a key. She could have let you back inside.”
There’s absolutely no regard for what I said. None at all. “We were hungry.”
“That’s why I had Em get you food.”
Marley comes into view holding Nalani in her arms. “First of all, you didn’t leave us anything to eat, and by the time she got back, it was like, so late.” Notice the dramatic effect she puts on the words so late? Typical teenage girl. I had a twin sister, and I know how this teenage drama works. “If it hadn’t been for Ember and Cat, we were gonna have to start eating each other.”
I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight, but as I’m listening to Marley complaining, all I can think of is how hungry I am for Ember and how eating her pussy would be a great appetizer. It’s so goddamn inappropriate given the kids are right here, but I can’t help it. I told you, she’s got some vagina voodoo over me. I rationalize that if she’d just give me what I’m asking for, I’ll never bother her again. And like I’ve explained to Ember—and after which she expressed to me numerous times to please not speak to her ever again—I only need a couple hours to make this happen.
And that’s probably why she hates me 80 percent of the time. I don’t listen when it’s not something I want to hear.
Sighing, I nod to Marley. “Where are the other ones? There are two missing.”
“I’m here!” Haisley adds, her high-pitched kid voice way too annoying. “Did you have a good day? I bet it was fun. I got to color, and Cat braided my hair. You really need to braid hair.” And then, she hugs my legs like I’m her favorite goddamn person. “I missed you.”
I’m not even sure how to process all that. I stare at the kid for close to a minute before Marley nudges me. “Tell her you missed her too before you hurt her feelings!” she whisper-shouts in my ear.
Awkwardly, I pat her back. I can’t remember the last time a kid hugged me aside from Kumonde’s daughter, and she hugs everything, so I usually don’t feel too special. But this hug, this all-in leg squeeze by a five-year-old who’s lost the two most safe and secure people in her life, she fucking missed the one person who has been thrown into her life like I’m some sort of life preserver and gonna rescue her. “Missed you too, kid.”
Wanna know the crazy part?
I think I did.
Lifting my attention to the others in the room, I realize everyone is staring at me. I only focus on the kids this time. I can’t believe I left them home alone after everything they’ve been through. What a dick move on my part, although, I already knew that. “You guys hungry? I can order in Chinese food.” Nothing says I’m sorry like egg rolls, fried rice, and orange chicken. I’m a firm believer if you’re having a bad day, there are two meals that will fix this. Okay, three. Chinese food. Tacos. Pizza. And in that order for me. All right. That’s all a lie in part. Sex. Sex cures everything. Too bad I can’t have that, but I’ll settle on some fried rice.
Ember orders dinner for us, all kids nodding eagerly and shouting off what they want, hopefully thinking she’ll remember as they barrel out the door back over to my condo. That’s when I’m left with Ember and Cat staring at me. Faintly, I can hear raised voices and the words, “Dude, these are brand new iPads.” Followed by, “This one is mine!”
A smile tugs at my lips. I did something right today. I wave my hand toward my door behind me. “Thanks for watching them.”
“It was our pleasure!” Cat beams. “I love kids.” And then she glances at Ember. “I do, right? Like before?”
Ember shrugs her off. “Yeah, hon. You loved them.” And then her annoyed expression shifts to mine. I say annoyed because I get the feeling that despite my moment with the child, she’s still mad at me. “You need to hire a nanny or something. You can’t leave them alone during the day and I’m not watching them either.”
I nod, unsure what else to say. I’m so tired I don’t have it in me to argue or make any more attempts to hit on her, so I turn and walk away back to my condo.
Down by contact – The carrier is ruled down when any part of his body is touching the ground (other than his feet or hands), and he’s touched by a defender.
You know that saying it only takes a split second for your life to change? We’ve briefly talked about this before. Blink of an eye, remember? Not only can I attest to it, but the same also goes for leaving children alone. They literally just walked in here, didn’t they? How have they had time to further destroy my condo? I wouldn’t have believed it was possible, but here’s the fucking proof.
I walk into utter chaos, and not the kind I’ve been met with so far. I’m pretty sure a pack of wild animals would be more restrained than these kids. I bet Grant and his wife had a drinking problem. My condo feels like one of those insane asylums with the walls closing in.
Crying fills the condo, and they’re baby cries, which means Nalani has gotten onto something and she can’t get down. This time it’s the counter. I pick her up and hold her. “Stop climbing on everything.”
“Hi!” she says, slapping her chubby, dimpled hands over my cheeks and then smiling. They stick to my cheeks like there’s something gooey on them.
Prying them off my face, I glance at them. It’s a dark substance. That better not be shit is all I have to say. Please for the love of God, don’t be shit. It’s bad enough she’s not potty trained, and I’ve changed something like a hundred diapers in the last couple days, but if she starts digging through her diaper is when I’m gonna have to draw the line. I’m a determined person. I will literally make this kid sit in the bathroom on that toilet until she realizes it’s time to learn how to be an adult. Or at least a normal person who wipes their own ass.
To my complete horror, Nalani licks her fingers. “Mmmmm.”
It’s gotta be chocolate. “Where’d you get that?”
“It’s the only food you have,” Braylee notes, then tips her head back and squeezes the bottl
e of Hershey syrup into her mouth. “For someone whose house looks like a health food store, why do you have this?” I don’t know much about Braylee. She’s the quiet side of Adler, who has an opinion about everything. I’m learning each one definitely has their own personality. This one, she might be quieter, but she’s still a smartass, much like her twin.
“It’s not for food,” I admit, taking the bottle from her and setting Nalani on the floor. I’m not sure why. She’s just going to climb up on the counter again. “Go read. Or do something.”
“There’s nothing to do here. Can we go out? Like to a bar or something fun? You’re super famous. Isn’t there some kind of premier we can attend?”
“A bar?” Let’s face it, you focused on that one too. “No, we’re not going out to a bar. We’re not going anywhere. Not tonight.” Or ever. I’m not sure I want to take these kids out in public.
It’s then I notice Adler on the couch, the iPad in one hand trying to figure out how to get it set up. He looks up at me. “What’s your Wi-Fi password?”
I don’t have time to answer him when I hear crying coming from the bathroom. And not just any crying, it’s hysterics. Following the cries, I spot Haisley on the floor outside the bathroom door and it’s closed. “What’s wrong?”
She rolls her eyes. “Marley went to her period.”
Went to her period? She acts like it’s an event. I guess in some ways it is. “Where? I didn’t see her leave? Who’s crying?” I look around, so confused, so clueless.
Haisley stands, yanking on her underwear that are apparently up her ass. “Her period. Mommy said it’s when blood comes out of her vagina and her uranus is super angry.”
Uranus? I stare at her for a moment trying to comprehend what’s happening. “You mean uterus?”
“Yeah, that thing.” And then she walks away, leaving me in the hallway with a crying teenage girl in the bathroom.
What the shit? How is this my problem? I’m fucked. Ember texts me back and says dinner is on the way but suddenly feeding them is the last of my worries.
While I’m standing there, Revel calls me back. I called that motherfucker two days ago, and he’s just now getting back to me. “Hey,” I say, completely dejected with what my life has become.
On the other end of the line, I hear the sounds of freedom, girls laughing, music, you know, the fucking life I had before this bullshit. “What’d ya need?” Revel’s voice is slurred, which means he’s back to drinking. He’s a certified alcoholic. On one side, at least it’s not a cocaine addiction. Alcohol’s far more affordable, but it’s an addiction nonetheless, and for a kid that started young, I can’t imagine what Revel’s liver looks like.
“You gotta take some of these kids. Just like two or three.” Leaning against the wall, I slide to the floor. “I’ll keep the boy, he’s fine but these others… I’m in over my head.”
There’s a long pause, a draw of breath of what I assume is filled with smoke, and then a raspy cough followed with, “What kids?”
“Grant’s. He left them to me.”
Silence again. Another drag of the smoke and then a woman’s voice asking him something I can’t make out. “Give me a minute,” he mumbles, a shade above passing out. “Listen, man. I can’t help you out. I’m not even in the country yet. I’m… shit… I don’t know… fucking Brazil?”
He doesn’t even know, but that’s not a surprise. He was once in Paris and told the crowd, “It’s good to see you, Miami!”
They didn’t give a fuck because Revel’s like the Elvis Presley of pop rock. Sadly, I’m not the most famous person in our family. Not even close compared to him.
And then Revel hangs up on me. No surprise there.
Okay, so I’m on my own. Teenage girl drama to be dealt with. Adler approaches me. “What’s she crying about?”
“Something about the lining of her uterus shedding.”
He gags, his hands flying to his mouth. “Dude, yuck!”
The door opens, and Adler runs away, leaving me in the hallway with a red-faced Marley. “I need those things that go in my panties… like pads? I think they’re pads. Or do I need tampons? I don’t know. This is so awful!” she screams, and then storms into my bedroom like she owns it. My goddamn bedroom. To add to the effect, she slams my door in my face.
Admit it, you’re thinking it’s fine. Just go with it and get her what she needs. But I know nothing about what to buy for her. I had a sister. Still not ready to discuss that part of my life, but I do know she was like every other woman and did, in fact, have her period. I still remember the day she started and cried. Much like Marley.
And then it hits me. I can ask Ember what to do and all the more reason for her to see I’m actually handling this shit and being responsible.
“I’ll be right back,” I tell the other kids, but this time, I pick up the climbing chocolate licker and take her with me. She can’t be trusted alone anymore. Placing my hand over her mouth, I give her the sternest look I can. She’s two. It’s not easy to give her a mean look. “Keep quiet.”
Nalani giggles, squirming in my arms and then licks my hand, thinking I’m playing a game.
“You’re such a weirdo.” Pulling my hand back, I wipe it down the front of my shorts and then knock on Ember’s door.
Cat answers, giving me that same look I got when I saw her five minutes ago. She takes a look at Nalani, then me. “Hi.”
“Hi!” Nalani gleams, reaching for her. She practically jumps into her arms. Thankfully Cat’s prepared and catches the daredevil.
“I need Ember.”
Cat nods, keeping a firm grip on Nalani. “Em!”
It’s a moment later and Ember comes to the door, rolling her eyes. “Why are you back? Did you lose the other ones?”
“Em!” Nalani says, grinning, chocolate still caked on her lips. She doesn’t even say my name, yet she knows Ember’s after only one day? What the fuck?
“Listen, I need help. The oldest one is having a girl issue.”
Ember frowns, lifting her eyes from the giggling girl to mine. She doesn’t look impressed, does she? “What kind of girl issue?”
And this is where the one thing I’ve trained my entire life to not do, I fumble. Here I went from football practice where nearly ninety men were roughing each other up, and now I’m talking about menstrual cycles. “She uh….” I pause, the words just not there. I’m fucking sweating. Running my hand through my hair, I sigh and finally say, “She started her period and it’s not like I’m prepared for that. Can you like, talk to her? She locked herself in my room.”
To my surprise, Ember bursts out laughing. “Yeah, sure.” And then she pushes past me and walks over to my condo.
Cat hands Nalani back to me. “Hold her. We have some sanitary napkins I think.”
I fight back a gag. Not that I’m disgusted by the whole period thing. I just hate the words they use for it. Quite possibly the worst name for anything is sanitary napkins. It just sounds disgusting if you ask me. Pads sounds better, but I’d prefer to not know what either are.
When Cat returns, she’s nice enough to put them in a bag with a couple other things she tells me are needed for that time of the month. Carrying the kid back to my condo, I set Nalani down with Adler and Braylee, find Haisley giving her My Little Pony a bath in the kitchen sink, and Ember sitting on my bed comforting a crying Marley.
It’s got me thinking, though. Not only about Ember staying on my bed and me having some fun, but seriously, what the hell am I going to do with these kids. Nanny. Right. That’s what I need. Looking at the connection Ember has already, I can’t help but think she’d be great for them. What if I make her a lucrative offer like I did to be my assistant and then maybe she will see I’m actually a good guy playing dad since she loves kids and finally let me fuck her.
It’s a brilliant offer.
Before I can suggest this, dinner is delivered. I set the bag Cat gave me by the door to my bedroom and head back into the kitchen. Adler
answers the door for me, flirts with the delivery driver who happens to be a young blonde. The same one who always delivers. She’s barely eighteen, and no, I haven’t slept with her. I like them young, but not that young.
“Easy there, bud.” I pull him back into the condo and close the door, three bags of food in our hands. “You’re nine. She’s got ten years on you.”
“I’ll be ten soon.”
“But still, you’re nine, and she’s eighteen.”
He rolls his eyes and reaches for the box of egg rolls. “Whatever. I bet I could still get her number.” He’s certainly got the Slade confidence.
Laughing, I ruffle his hair and realize I haven’t seen Nalani. Looking to the counter, I see her sitting beside the sink with Haisley, dunking ponies one by one in the water and saying, “Fishy.” And then she tosses the soaking wet thing on my marble floors followed by the word, “Bye!”
Well, at least she has some new words she knows.
At least they’re happy. Looking down the hall, my bedroom door is now closed. Maybe they’re having a heart-to-heart or maybe they’re talking about how much they hate the opposite sex for not having to deal with shit like periods and whatever else they hate the male race for.
Fuck, I’m starving. Sitting down at the table, I nod to Adler who has two egg rolls, one for each hand and dipping them in sweet and sour sauce. “Good?”
Eagerly, he nods. “It’s better than barbecue.”
I laugh. “Told you.”
“How’s the team this year? The offensive line strong?”
I knew he’d eventually ask about football. I gathered he was a football fan from the endless talking on the plane about how I needed to throw the ball more and my passing rate sucked last season. His words, certainly not mine. Last season I threw 3983 yards with a passing rate of 95.4. Sure, we didn’t make the Superbowl, but I don’t think those are terrible stats.
Taking the container of fried rice, I eat straight from the container with chopsticks and pick out all the chicken first.