He tried to hold me, but I didn’t want him to touch me. “Don’t fuckin’ touch me. I don’t want you to touch me.”
He backed off and turned the TV on. “Okay then,” he said sprawled on the sofa like he didn’t care. “You don’t wanna be touched and I won’t force you.”
I wanted to erase the smirk from his face. Suddenly I felt brave enough to tell him that I’d been with somebody else. I wanted him to know how it felt to be hurt. It was the only way he could understand exactly what he’d put me through.
“I fucked somebody else,” I said softly.
He acted as if he didn’t hear me. “Huh? You did what?”
“Don’t play dumb wit’ me Diablo. You know you heard me.”
“Nol. I don’t think I heard you right. I know you didn’t say what the fuck I think you said,” he said calmly.
“You heard me right if you heard me say that I fucked somebody else,” I repeated louder this time.
“It ain’t no fuckin’ way,” he laughed.
The look on my face made him stop laughing. He suddenly got serious.
“When? When you was pregnant? When you was in North Carolina and shit? Tell me you didn‘t fuck some nigga when you was carryin‘ my son!” He yelled in anger.
“No, I was here,” I said.
Ablo stood up. “What!” He sounded enraged. “Don’t fuck wit’ me Ayanna! Now you fuckin’ wit’ me right? You telling me you fucked some nigga here in Atlanta.”
I nodded.
“Don’t tell me you left ‘cause after you found out you was knocked up you didn’t know if Peanut was mine.”
“I know he’s yours…now,” I said quickly.
Diablo stared at me with pure venom in his eyes. If I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought he was going to kill me. “How the fuck you know huh? I can’t believe you did that shit to me.”
“What the hell? I fucked one nigga and you goin’ off on me! Fuck you!” I stood up and got in his face. “I loved you and you took that love for granted over and over again. You played wit’ my emotions Diablo, and made me feel and look like a pure fool! I wanted to get even wit’ you and I did! I fucked another nigga, but it only happened once. I wasn’t sure if the baby was yours, so I left. The guy that I cheated wit’ agreed to a DNA test. Peanut ain’t his and that only left you. He’s yours and if you don’t fuckin’ believe me we can another one done, because I ain’t got shit to hide. All I want is for you to be a father to our child. We can’t be together because I can’t trust you, and now you can’t trust me.” I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.
Diablo looked at me and then looked away. When he looked at me again he had tears in his eyes. “I know the nigga?” He asked.
“It don’t matter Diablo. It’s done and over wit’ now. I won’t tell you who it is.”
Diablo stared at me with more anger in his eyes than before. “What the fuck you mean you won’t fuckin’ tell me! You goin’ tell me who the fuck it is! Now!”
“Stop Ablo before you wake Peanut up,” I said softly.
He shook his head and paced the floor. “Man…this shit crazy. All them times I fucked other bitches I never thought you’d fuck another nigga. I never thought my sweet lil’ angel would be trifling like the next hoe.”
“Trifling? Hoe? Have you lost your fuckin’ mind? We won’t even together then. I fucked that nigga after I broke that bitch’s jaw. It took me catching your ass in the bed wit’ some bitch before I fucked that one nigga one time. That don’t make me trifling and it damn sho’ don’t make me no hoe! It made me open my eyes and see your sorry ass for what you really was.”
Diablo suddenly went into a violent rage. He started yelling and throwing everything he could get his hands on. “I can’t fuckin’ believe this shit! How the fuck you goin’ fuck somebody else! I should beat your mu’fuckin ass! You just don’t know how mad I am at your ass right now! You goin’ sit here in my face and tell me that you gave my fuckin’ pussy to another nigga, and I’m supposed to be fuckin’ calm about it! Then you sit here and fuckin tell me you ain’t goin’ tell me who the fuck the nigga is! I don’t give a shit how many times the nigga smashed! It do fuckin’ matter who the fuck it was ‘cause I’m goin’ kill his ass ! I swear on my fuckin’ life if I find out who the fuck he is I’m goin’ kill that nigga! If you don’t tell me…”
“Diablo, calm the fuck down,” I cut him off. “You goin’ wake Peanut up. It ain’t even that fuckin’ serious. I fucked him one damn time, and that’s it. I ain’t been wit’ nobody else since, okay.” I kept my distance because he was acting crazy. He hadn’t beaten my ass before, but I hadn’t fucked anybody else before either. I suddenly wished I hadn’t said anything to him about it. “Peanut’s your son okay, and if you want proof that’s fine wit’ me.”
Diablo sat down and rested his head in his hands. “Damn,” he said. His body jerked as he cried. I was shocked that he was actually crying like that. In all the years I’d known him I had never seen him cry like that. I wanted to soothe him, but I didn’t. I just waited.
Just as quickly as the sobs started they stopped. He wiped his eyes and then looked at me. The anger in his eyes was replaced by hurt. I saw what I had longed to see, but it didn’t really make me feel good at all. As a matter of fact I felt bad.
“Shit, Yanna. I know I did it to you, but I’m a man. I’m weak for the flesh, but you a woman. You supposed to be stronger than that. You did it just to get back at me, not because you was really feelin’ him? Right?” He asked.
“Yes Diablo. I didn’t want to be wit’ him. After I did it I didn’t even want to do it again. I still loved you the same. It made me understand how separate love and sex can be. I realized that you could cheat and still love me. It’s not just the cheatin’ though Diablo. You disrespected me like I was just any bitch and not your woman. That’s what really hurt. Do you understand me?” I asked staring into his light brown eyes.
Diablo sighed. “I don’t need no blood test. That lil’ nigga in there is all me no doubt. But baby, that shit hurt like hell. To know that you shared my lovin’ wit’ some nigga.” He shook his head. “You was my angel baby. In my eyes you could do no wrong. You was so perfect, and pure. Untainted, and shit. When I got wit’ you hadn’t no other nigga been there. That shit was special to me. I was your one and only, and it was supposed to stay that way forever. Or so I thought. I know I cheated on you, and it was wrong, but I ain’t never loved nobody else. I love you and only you Ayanna. Always have and always will. Regardless of what you did. Me fuckin’ them other bitches never changed that. I never thought you would give up my pussy though. Tell me you didn’t let that nigga taste my fruit. Did you let that nigga taste my fruit?”
“It don’t matter now Diablo. Shit, it don’t fuckin’ matter. I would’ve been wit’ you and only you if you kept your end of the bargain. What’s done is done, and it’s past tense. I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. Now you see how that shit feels.” With that said I got up and left the room
* * *
Things were kind of tense between me and Diablo after my confession. He had taken Peanut to take pictures with him, but didn’t invite me. I didn’t care because it was no need to act like we were one big happy family. What was the point?
Maya came over to smoke a much needed blunt with me later on that evening. I hadn’t smoked since I found out I was pregnant. I was high as a kite by the time Diablo walked in with the baby.
“Ya’ll need to put that shit out. My son’s in here,” he said with an attitude.
“Come on Maya. Let’s go outside and finish our blunt. It suddenly got stuffy as hell in here. I need some fresh air.” I gave him a look of contempt and he looked away.
When we got outside Maya asked, “What was that all about?”
I explained what happened the night before. “I don’t give a shit right now Maya. All I want to do is leave and move on wit’ my life. My son is all that matters to me. Fuck him.”
Maya looked at me and took a pull from the blunt. “I feel you.”
“Maya, it’s so funny how things have changed,” I said.
“Between you and Diablo?” Maya asked passing me the blunt.
“Yeah, but not just that. Everything. Life was so exciting when I was runnin’ the streets. I even miss my hustling days.” I smiled and continued. “I miss getting all G’d up and hittin’ the clubs. We ain’t never need no money ‘cause niggas was up on us hard. I miss goin’ outta town and straight wild’n out. I miss throwin’ on some sweats, putting Vaseline on my face, and throwin’ some serious hands. Sometimes I even miss the days when knowing Diablo was the leader of the Cues would send chills down my spine. But I’m glad I ain’t into none of that shit no more. In a way I want Diablo to give this shit up and come with me. But then again, maybe we should just give up on tryin’ to make it work. I can’t trust him.” Tears filled my eyes and Maya reached over to hug me.
“Aww, Yanna. I know how you feel. I do,” she said soothingly.
I sobbed and sobbed until I was hiccupping. Maya was still holding on to me. When the blunt was out we didn’t go inside. We stayed outside for hours and just talked. I loved my sister. I’d gotten so used to taking care of her, but now the tables were turned. She didn’t need me to take care of her anymore. Now she was taking care of me.
Chapter 18
I was getting me and Peanut’s things together so I could head back to North Carolina when Diablo barged into the room.
“Don’t go,” he said.
I pretended not to hear him and continued to pack.
He sighed loudly. “So you ain’t even goin’ give us a chance?”
I still didn’t respond, so he grabbed my arms to make me stop packing. “You know you fuckin’ hear me. You and Peanut belong here wit’ me. We a family. You can’t fuckin’ leave me again Yanna.”
I pulled away from him. “I am leavin’ so deal wit’ it.”
“I can’t fuckin’ deal wit’ it,” he said.
“So? Why should I care? I couldn’t deal wit’ the cheatin’ and the lies, but you did that shit anyway. Why should I feel any sympathy for you?” I asked angrily throwing things into my suitcase.
Peanut started crying .I picked him up and held him close to me. He immediately stopped crying and started sucking his fingers.
“Look at my man. My one and only man.” I wanted to sting Diablo with that statement.
I walked into the kitchen and warmed Peanut’s bottle. Diablo followed me.
He finally spoke. “And you didn’t want a baby. Look at you. I told you you would be a good mother. He can’t even cry without you runnin’ to check on him. At night you get up just to make sure he’s breathin’. Could you imagine life without him?’
“No, I couldn’t,” I said.
Diablo stared me with longing in his eyes. “That’s exactly how I feel about you and Peanut. I can’t imagine my life without ya’ll.”
“It’s too late for me and you Diablo, but you can have a relationship wit’ your son. I won’t deny him a father. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t care what you did to me. It’s funny that you can’t imagine your life without me now. I wonder if you even thought about me when you was fuckin’ other bitches,” I said. He was getting me pissed off all over again.
“Why you keep throwin’ the past all up in my face? I ain’t brought up the fact that you fucked some nigga and didn’t know if I was Peanut’s father.”
I walked away from him and returned to the guest room. Of course he was right behind me. “I ain’t goin’ fuss wit’ you while I’m holdin’ my baby Diablo.” I laid Peanut on the bed.
“Okay. Look, I don’t wanna fuss. I just don’t want you to leave me again. Shit, I can’t live without you. Don’t you fuckin’ get that shit? I need you and my lil’ man in my life, right here not in North Carolina. Don’t you think a nigga done suffered enough?” He asked.
I turned around and gave him one of my mad as hell faces. “You think you sufferin’? Nigga you don’t know shit about sufferin’ I’m the one you fucked around on! I’m the one who fought I don’t know how many bitches over you! How many fuckin’ kilos did I hold for you? Huh? How much crack did I cook and chop up to show you that I was a ride or die bitch? How many times did I fuckin’ lie to the cops to show you that I had your fuckin’ back? Huh? And how many times did you have mine? Fuck you Diablo Perez! You think the world revolves around you! It’s always been all about you! You fuck other bitches, but you love me. You expect me to keep believing your bullshit? You don’t love me nigga. You love Diablo. I don’t know why you thought I’d be blind forever! Do you really wanna know why I’m leavin’?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because I don’t want the life we had, and I don’t want my son doin’ the same shit I did for you. I want him to live a different life, and if I have to leave you to give him that then nigga fuck you!”
Diablo just left the room and I continued to pack. Once I was finished I went into the kitchen to get Peanut’s bottle. After feeding and burping him I laid him back down on the bed. I walked into the living room where Diablo was.
“Do you mind puttin’ my things in the car while I get your son ready?” I asked.
He nodded and went into the guest room to get my bags. He picked Peanut up first.
“Bye Peanut. Daddy’s goin’ visit you. When daddy get this last mill, he goin’ give it all up. Alright lil’ man.”
After everything was put in the car and Peanut was strapped in I noticed the van again. I walked over to Diablo, because I knew why the van was there.
“Why don’t you give the bullshit up now? Nigga you got enough fuckin’ money. You don’t notice that big ass van parked down the street. You don’t think your spot’s bugged? The cops watching you.” I whispered as I embraced him. “I noticed the van before, but at first I didn’t think nothing of it.”
Diablo pulled away from me. I guess he hadn’t noticed. How could he be so naïve? He thought he was untouchable. I could’ve sworn I’d seen the same cop that had stopped me inside the van. Michael Hanson, that was his name. He acted like he had a personal vendetta against Ablo.
Diablo followed my glare to the big gray van parked behind some trees and bushes. If the van was green they could’ve pulled it off. Too bad they’d chosen a light colored van.
“Damn boo. We said some shit up in there,” he whispered.
“We didn’t say anything specific. They need specific confessions. They already know that you lead the Cues. They can’t lock you up for that. As far as they know the Cues a social fellowship, or a secret society. They gotta pin something concrete on you. So while you in the clear and they ain’t got nothing you need to leave it alone. Just walk away Ablo. If you love me and Peanut you’ll do it.”
Ablo looked at me and sighed.” I can’t do that.”
“Okay, it’s your life… and I can’t share it with you. I got a child now. I have to think about him.”
“We got a child Yanna,” Ablo said as if I’d forgotten.
“I’ll call you later on to let you know that we made it in one piece.”
Diablo nodded and watched as I drove off. He waved and then walked back towards the house.
I never saw him again.
* * *
Three months later I returned to Atlanta for Diablo’s funeral. Being that Diablo was like a local celebrity the place was packed. Uncle Pete had promised to keep it short, and I was glad. I didn’t know if I could take staring at that casket with Diablo and Peanut’s picture sitting on top of it. When Uncle Pete called me to tell me that Diablo had been killed he also explained that the casket would stay closed at the funeral.
“I know you want to see him again, but the bullet practically blew his face off. I’m sorry Yanna. If it wasn’t for that black cobra on his arm I wouldn’t have known it was him.” he’d said.
Nobody really knew who killed Diablo. Some speculated it was the cops and some believed it was t
he Street Kings. His body was found in his garage. He’d been shot execution style. There were no witnesses to the crime.
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