by Angela Kayne
Then my counselor, Joseph asked me to consider being trained as a coach for Bethesda, to help other women along their journey through Restoring Relationships. I was so excited, I didn’t feel worthy of the offer, but everything in me wanted this. I felt as though this was what I had been waiting for, I could help others heal as I had done. But, I was scared, I doubted whether or not I could really do it, It meant being in a place of leading others, I simply could not stay safely in the background anymore. His belief in me gave me the boost I needed to just do it, so I went through the process of becoming a certified coach. What an honor it was, I felt both humbled, and excited to start this next part of my journey.
I didn’t know it yet but before I would ever start this new chapter of coaching, there was a very big change just around the corner. After all of the work my husband and I had done through counseling, our marriage was still as broken and dysfunctional as it had ever been. While I experienced great grieving, healing and restoration to God, my husband did not. He was still at the same place of defeat, and I felt myself changing and growing apart from him even faster that I had before.The weight I felt from our broken marriage was now just too much to bare. I now felt confident, and the fear I held so long of our marriage failing had lost its power over me. We made a mutual decision to separate, with the goal of restoration. He moved out in December, just three months ago as I’m writing this now. After twenty three years of effort to keep us together and make it work no matter what, we were separating. It felt like I had failed, are we really doing this? this went against everything I had believed.
Again, I went through yet another grieving process, this time for our marriage, which as we had known it for so long was now over. I know that while I very much want restoration to happen, a lot must change before it can. So even if we are restored, we will not be the same people we had been, and our marriage will be completely different. I find this knowledge to be both exciting and scary at the same time. But then I soon began to feel the weight of our failed marriage lifted off of me. I accepted this was what we needed, perhaps even known it long before it finally happened. But my husband has had a much harder time adjusting. I struggled with feeling so much joy, while he was hurting and missing me. I felt guilty, what kind of monster was I? But the truth is I had carried the weight of his responsibilities for many years, and now I was feeling the freedom from it’s departure, and it felt amazing! I began to realize that being on my own was NOT the end of the world, I was scared for no reason.
We’ve had a peaceful separation, there has been no arguing, or fighting. I feel like we have been respectful of each others feelings throughout the past few months. I don’t know how long this will last, but I now know I will be okay even if it’s a very long time, or if the restoration I want so badly never happens at all. I’m learning to truly rely on God each and every day, and trusting Him and thanking Him through all of this, for every storm too. I won’t say that it’s been easy, but I’m doing it, one day at a time, finding the calm within the storm. I am simply able, able to thrive, in spite of everything, and I’m able to now see myself through the eyes of God, instead of my childhood abusers from so long ago.
As of today I have been sober ten months and fourteen days, with absolutely no desire to ever drink again. My anxiety and depression have been gone for a little while now, and that void I carried for so long has remained gone as well. I’m learning to accept and embrace this new me, and the journey that lies ahead. I am enough, I am loved, and I am free. Welcome home Angie, to the person you were always meant to be.
Fear
A poem I wrote during my worst storm.
I know you too well, you and I go way back
Like an old foe, on the prowl, ready for attack.
You were there when I slept on that floor cold and bare,
Waiting and lurking to claim your place there
In the dark, head screaming, no sleep to be found,
Only images of monsters of all kinds surround
You were there for the games in the full light of day,
Let's go perform, the monster would say
Oh the welts and the bruises, you witnessed those too
And every stone thrown by bullies, oh yes you knew
And the yelling, fists flying, raging war all around
You were with this little girl, trying not to be found
Through the slaps and the kicks, and the words thrown like knives,
Each one piercing deeper, it was here that you thrived
And on the day I became a victim no more
Oh yes, you were there, crouching behind that door
You weren't done with me yet, you clung on for years
As I lived with those wounds, you laughed at my tears
You're broken, too damaged, you deserve only pain
You fed all those lies and kept me in chains
I believed every whisper, every word you proclaimed
I'm no one, not worthy, not loveable, oh the shame!!
How could God love me... when dad never could?
Why would He forgive me... when I never would?
Oh the things I have done, unspeakable sin
Too great for forgiveness to even begin
I'm done with your lies, and the games that you play
You've caused enough damage, too much joy taken away.
Our time has come you and I, so take back your chains
You see I'm God's girl now, only His victory reigns.