My, my, sun is pie.
There’s fodder for the cannons,
And the guilty ones can all sleep safely,
All sleep safely.
He ran his tongue down her arm as his hand opened her legs. An infinity of smells but only the four, no, five tastes. He ticked them off out loud as he discovered them.
“Sweet. Sour. Salty. Bitter. Umami...”
And all the world is biscuit-shaped.
It’s just for me to feed my face,
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste.
And I’ve got one, two, three, four, five senses working overtime.
Trying to take this all in...
Trying to taste the difference ’tween a lemon and a lime,
Pain and pleasure, and the church bells softly chime.
3
OAKRIDGE
A great deal of thought had gone into the decor. The principal’s office managed to successfully interweave the potentially discordant strands of its nuanced message. A clutch of framed diplomas from esteemed colleges was balanced by a beaded deerskin certification from the Narragansett Tribal Authority. The bookcase gave agonizingly balanced time to progressive staples like Spencer, Steiner and Montessori, classical works from Virgil to Shakespeare and global fiction from Bolaño to Walker. Photographs on her walls and desk firmly established Margot’s bona fides as both a compassionate caregiver and a responsible custodian to her precious charges.
“Stephanie. Thank you for coming.”
Margot came around from behind her desk, hand extended with a broad smile only partially dampened by the concerned, vaguely regretful furrow of her brow.
“Can I offer you a tea? Water? Yes, I know we should be using glass, but I’m always afraid someone’s going to cut themselves,” she said, nodding to the neat stack of water bottles on the tea table.
Oakridge had been Jordan’s choice. He would never have admitted it but the private school was a yardstick of his own success. Toward the end when the fiscal levee was starting to crumble, he had put the Oakridge bills on a credit card.
“I wondered if you and I might catch up a bit before I have Sophie join us.” It came across as a question.
“Of course.”
“How have things been, at home?” Margot leaned back in her chair and interlaced her fingers over her expansive chest. Her expression was open, expectant, patient, supportive and utterly free of judgment. Christ, she was good, Stephanie thought.
“Fine. I mean, obviously it’s been a little...challenging for all of us, but fine. Sophie has seemed—” she floundered for a moment before concluding helplessly “—fine.” Margot nodded sagely but said nothing. Waiting.
“She lost her father. I can only imagine how a ten-year-old processes something like that.”
“Of course.” Silence. She would need more. Gossip was the currency here. Yes, your child may stay at our prestigious institution despite beating the crap out of some tormenting bitch, but only if you pay the toll in full. Stephanie sighed.
“I’m sure you’ve heard the stories.”
Nothing.
“Jordan, my husband, had been having an affair. Apparently for some time.” Margot’s expression subtly softened and became more attentive. That’s it. Now we’re getting somewhere.
“I never knew about it, but it seems he’d kept an apartment on Marlboro Street. He and this...this woman had been on the way back from the Cape together when the accident happened. Her car rolled down an embankment into a pond. They both drowned. Most of it was kept out of the news but the police were not so discreet. Sophie heard it all. She loved her dad very much. It was terrible for her, particularly for her.” Stephanie glanced up. Confirmation of rumor but no fresh product. She’d need more.
“We weren’t allowed to see him, even the funeral was closed casket. The bodies were in the water for a while and apparently... Well, they wouldn’t let us see the body. I think that was the worst—there was no real closure and Sophie had nightmares for weeks. You know, her father as some hideous bloated zombie lurching out of the water...”
“How awful,” Margot said, shaking her head with an expression of deepest sympathy. She pressed the intercom on her phone. “Would you send Sophie in, please?”
* * *
On the way home Sophie sat sullenly in the backseat even though her mother had been letting her sit up front for months. “You can’t keep doing this sort of thing, you know.” Stephanie glanced at her daughter in the rearview mirror.
“She started it.”
“Yes, but you escalated—Christ, you literally beat her up. We’re lucky they’re letting you come back.”
Sophie didn’t say anything else for a while. She just looked out the window. When she followed them just with her eyes the trees seemed to whiz by so fast but when she moved her whole head they slowed down so they almost stood still. “I’m not like you,” she said quietly. “I can’t just pretend everything’s all right all the time.”
* * *
The only light in the cell was from the large screen mounted high on the wall. Jordan’s arms were raised like a conductor’s. All of his attention was focused on the two long cylinders, one tan and one green, twisted together like snakes in a can. Moving his hands in the air, he rotated the image so he could see it from every angle. Finally he brought his hands slowly together, folding the animated protein on the screen into a position where hydrogen bonds held it in place. He clicked the green “done” button on the lower right corner, and the protein disappeared with a cheap digital fanfare and a new puzzle took its place.
4
LAMENTATION
Alex rang the bell again. He didn’t hear anything; it could be broken. Stephanie’s car was in the driveway. He tried the knob. Unlocked. He eased the heavy door open. It groaned in protest. “Hello?”
“Hey, Alex,” Stephanie called from upstairs somewhere. “Come on in. There’s coffee, help yourself. I’ll be down in a minute.” Alex dumped his coat over the radiator in the front hall and went into the kitchen. The sun was reflecting off the snow in the yard, filling the room with a cool blue light. The sink was full of breakfast dishes, and the tang of souring milk mixed with the smell of burned toast and overcooked coffee gave the house a feel of rumpled normalcy. He took the spare key to Jordan’s old office off his key ring and laid it on the counter.
“Sorry,” she said brightly, coming into the kitchen, wiping stray wisps with the back of her hand. “Just trying to pull things together a little here before I go attack the office.” She was wearing a pair of blue Patriots sweatpants, tube socks and a white T-shirt. Her face was flushed and lightly beaded with sweat. Her hair was in a high ponytail. She looked, Alex thought, save a few fine lines around the mouth and eyes and the odd strand of gray, just like the incandescent sophomore he had first met almost two decades before.
* * *
Jordan and Alex had shared an apartment on Exeter Street in Back Bay after college. It abutted a parking lot and a gay disco whose steady thump had lulled them to sleep most nights. Alex had a theory about fetal memory of the mother’s heartbeat, which he trotted out whenever an overnight guest complained. Jordan waited tables at the Harvard Bookstore Café on Newbury Street to make rent while he did his doctoral work at MIT. Alex was getting his hours as a pilot and making and losing little fortunes, never more than a few hundred dollars either way, trading penny stocks. This left a lot of time for lounging around the apartment listening to late Miles Davis and Ornette Coleman. On summer nights when the little place was insufferably hot and the disco pulse particularly irritating, Alex would walk around the corner to the café and sit at one of Jordan’s outdoor tables. He would troll the bookstore for a particular sort of pretentious philosophy book and the earnest undergraduate coeds who often read them. If he found either, he could return to his table and while away th
e evening sipping from a cup Jordan kept filled with coffee or white wine as the pace required. One muggy August night he was sitting at his usual table with a collection of enticing books arranged to catch the eye—The Dancing Wu Li Masters, The Tao of Physics, The Tao of Pooh (in case a little levity was called for), Theosophia Practica, The Secret Teachings of All Ages: An Encyclopedic Outline of Masonic, Hermetic, Kabbalistic and Rosicrucian Symbolic Philosophy and, finally, The Riddle Wrapped in Enigma. He was sipping a cup of the house white and thumbing through The Tao of Physics, trying to look thoughtful when a beautiful brunette in black pants over a black leotard—maybe a dancer, he thought—approached the table and considered him for a moment.
“Excuse me,” she said.
“Yes,” Alex said, looking up, every inch the intellectual disturbed at his study.
“Are you reading this one?” the girl asked, picking up The Riddle Wrapped in Enigma.
“Not at this moment but it looked quite interesting.”
“Yes, I rather thought so, too, and it seems you have the last copy,” she said, regarding him coolly, a little smile playing around the corner of her mouth. She waited to see if he would offer her the book but he just smiled back up at her.
Finally he said, “I was going to buy it but, please, have a seat, read away, see if it speaks to you.” With a little laugh and a nod, the girl pulled out a chair and sat down.
“Thank you...” she said, holding out her hand.
“Alex, Alex Prenn.”
“Thank you, Alex Prenn. I’m Stephanie.” She took up the book and started flipping through the index. Without raising her eyes from the page, she said, “What was it about this one that appealed to you, Alex?”
“Oh, I’m just a seeker, I guess,” he said, sweeping his arm over the little collection of books. “I’m fascinated by life’s mysteries, its enigmas.”
“I see,” she said. “I don’t think you’ll care for this one much, then.”
“Why not?” he said.
She turned the open book so Alex could see the page. There were columns of numbers with a single letter at the bottom of each column; it was gibberish. “This book is a technical treatise on the Enigma code machine used by the Nazis in the Second World War. Pretty dull reading for a seeker, don’t you think?” Alex laughed out loud.
“Is that really what it is?”
“Yup,” she said. “You know what I think?”
“No, what do you think?” Alex asked.
“I think you wander around in there, pick out a bunch of titles that you think will catch the eye of any earnest girl with a newly discovered sense of her own worldliness and intellectual depth and you bait your web with them like a patient old spider.”
“Who are you calling old?” he cried with mock indignation. “All right, take your silly code book, then. Run along, little fly.”
“No need to get huffy—” she smiled “—and besides, I’m still not sure there’s any new stuff in this one. I think I’ll sit for a while and skim.”
“And ruin my chances with any other eager seekers who may wander by.”
She laughed, a throaty, husky sound, like a habitual smoker’s, though Alex would have bet his next month’s rent she didn’t smoke. He drained his cup and gestured to Jordan, who was just clearing off another table. When he came over Alex waved a hand over his empty cup and said, “Refill, please, and a cup for my friend. Jordan, this is Stephanie. Stephanie, Jordan.”
“Delighted,” Stephanie said, shaking Jordan’s hand, “but I’ll pass on the coffee, thanks. Bit late.”
“Pay no attention to her, J.” And then to Stephanie, “The coffee here is special.” Jordan returned in a moment with a coffee cup filled with white wine, which he placed in front of her with a little pitcher of cream for appearances.
“Ah, I see,” said Stephanie. “I suppose not so late after all.”
After her second cup, Stephanie said, “He’s sweet...your friend the waiter, shy, though.”
“Jordan? No, not really shy. He’s a genius, a real genius. I think a lot of the time he’s just in his own head, off in Geniusville, you know?”
“No,” she said, “I don’t. What kind of genius?”
“Tough to explain. He’s kind of a whiz with figuring out how a chain of amino acids is going to fold up to make a protein. Something to do with alpha helices and beta sheets. Did I lose you yet?”
“No. Not yet. It sounds cool actually. I’m physics but I have a bit of bio.”
“Ah, right, you’re way ahead of me, then. Bottom line, he’s a total fucking genius and when he finishes his doctorate we’re going to start a company and save the world.”
She smiled.
When the restaurant closed, Jordan took off the tan-and-burgundy apron and joined them, pouring himself a glass of wine and smoking a cigarette as he counted his tips. Alex noted that Stephanie’s nose wrinkled at the cigarette smoke but she didn’t say anything about it. She asked Jordan about his thesis. He was awkward at first, but as he began to talk about it and realized she genuinely understood and was interested in what he was saying he became more and more animated, the passion illuminating his face. They were absorbed in each other, and when the manager came to lock the front door, Alex passed him his pile of books and made his excuses.
He was happy for his friend. Alex had plenty of girls but Jordan was a loner. Alex knew he’d gone out with a couple of mousy studious types at Harvard but nothing serious, and at grad school the lab had been his only love. Stephanie was hot and smart and funny. If she was into Jordan, Alex was willing to let this one go. Stephanie turned to him, face flushed, a little tipsy, and said, “Good night, Alex Prenn. To the seekers.” She raised her cup and drained it.
“Come on,” she said to Jordan, “walk me home.” And she grabbed an open bottle of wine from the ice bucket at the waiters’ station. Alex smiled and raised his cup to them as they wove unsteadily down Newbury Street and out of sight.
5
CLEANING
Stephanie let herself in with Alex’s key. The office was unnervingly quiet. It had an odd abandoned quality like pictures she’d seen of Hiroshima after the blast, life suddenly interrupted. It had snowed overnight so the light Sunday-morning traffic sounded woolen and distant. The little reception area, cluttered in faded yellow and pink Post-its, was bitter cold, but inside Jordan’s office it was uncomfortably warm and close. The radiator by the window sputtered and spat, blustering through the unnatural quiet. As she struggled with the swollen window, she could smell the rust coughed up from deep in the old building’s respiratory system. Then the window gave with a sudden shriek. Dry cold air swirled in and the room seemed to shake itself awake.
She had bought a stack of moving boxes and a tape gun from the U-Haul in Central Square. She leaned the stack up behind the door and opened and taped three boxes. The sensible plan seemed to be to start just inside the threshold and work her way clockwise around the room. With a black Sharpie she labeled one box Books, one Papers and one Stuff. She took the Sunday Globe and spread out the sections, opening up the automotive and style pages first. As she took each diploma or photograph from the wall, she wrapped it in two sheets of newsprint. She quickly filled her first Stuff box, taped it shut and made a new one.
When she came to the bookcase, she took all the files and loose papers and dumped them indiscriminately in the Papers box. Then she started with the books, quickly filling two boxes and half of a third. She was sweating now and flushed. Progress. Order out of chaos. A postponement of the inevitable victory of entropy.
She felt numb as she filed her dead husband’s life away; it didn’t feel like any of this was really his, even the family pictures seemed somehow at a remove from the man. It was remarkable that he could have spent so much time in this little room without leaving more of himself behind. It was all just paint and paper. The phone
rang once in the outer office and the ancient machine picked up but the caller left no message.
* * *
Stephanie surveyed her progress. Not bad for a couple of hours. There were six sealed boxes ready to go and three more in progress. She was two-thirds of the way around the room with nothing major left except the desk. She toyed with the idea of plowing ahead to the end but her lower back was killing her and her stomach was grumbling.
She threw her coat back on and, without really thinking about it, walked around the corner to Oggi for a roast beef sandwich. Oggi had been their go-to in Genometry’s early days when she and Jordan had met for lunch whenever their schedules allowed. She sank into the familiar booth as the lunch rush bustled and simmered around her. Through the window she watched the students and early Christmas shoppers, eyes squinted against the blowing snow, as they struggled upstream with their bags and backpacks. She nursed a second cup of coffee and let the muffled clatter of dishes and murmur of conversation envelop her like a warm bath.
An hour later as she paid the check and pulled her coat tight, she noticed how dark it had become. The sun seemed low and impotent already, though it wasn’t yet two. When she got back to the office it seemed changed. The cold air had overwhelmed the radiator and the room seemed suddenly bare and freezing. Stephanie shut the window, leaving just a crack at the bottom.
She dragged the open boxes over and sat down at Jordan’s desk. Part of her mind romanticized the heaps of notes and intricately folded papers as a snapshot of his last hours or days but a cooler bit reminded her that the police had been through the office multiple times and that the particular disorder in front of her was no doubt more a result of their ministrations than her husband’s. All the loose papers went into a box. She rescued an old snapshot of herself with Haden on vacation in Hawaii. Haden was pointing at a rainbow and laughing. Another lifetime. Jordan had written “S&H, Paia” on the back in his familiar angular scrawl. She slipped it into her purse.
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