by Marcus Burke
“What, Ed? You want to know why my grades are like this? Well, I want to know where the hell you’ve been these past four months. What were you doing while you weren’t helping me or Andre with our schoolwork? Uh-huh, and you’re right! You ain’t made shit in here. You have no right to comment on anything in this house! Ma’s right, I don’t know you! I hate you and I wish you weren’t my father!”
She began to cry, her voice was small and high-pitched.
“I hate you! You weren’t here, you’ve never been here to help me and Andre with anything. So you don’t come in here and question not nothin’! You’re the worst father alive. Why don’t you go back to Lynn and stay with your other bitch and your other kid. That lil’ bastard ain’t shit to me. I’d spit in his face if I saw him.”
Then she punched down on the table and got up. Staggering, fighting for her balance, she whimpered, rubbed tears from her face, and said, “You’re the worst,” as she stormed out of the kitchen.
It felt like I had fire in my chest. My heart was beating so fast my stomach started to hurt. I was so confused. Lynn? Other kid? Now I really felt left out. I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. What I did know was that Nina lost her mind going off like that to Pop. As she staggered away from the kitchen, I looked at Pop. He stood up and balled his fists. His eyes were glassy and his nose crunched as he started rubbing his balled fist while staring at Nina. She was walking toward her room and talking shit under her breath. I looked down at my empty plate. I could feel him glaring at me.
He was shaking his head. “Oh, yeah?” he sounded off. “Ain’t no child of mine gon’ talk to me like that in my house!” he yelled in the hallway. Then he took off after her.
“Ayo, Nina!” I yelled to her, but it was too late. Two long strides into the hallway and boom! he tackled her in the doorway of her room.
“Get the hell off of me!” I heard her cry out before he pushed her down by the shoulders and smacked her in the face. Ma rushed out of their bedroom and jumped on his back and started punching him and pulling at his nappy little matted puff of hair.
“Eddy, you’ll kill her! Get your hands off her. You musta done lost your mind!” Ma screamed as she wrestled at his back.
My legs got numb and my hands tingled as I watched all of this unfold.
“Andre, call the police! Call the police!” Ma yelled to me, but I froze.
“Dad, stop! Stop! Stop!” I yelled to him, but he didn’t listen. I ran into the corner of the kitchen and sat down by the cabinets. From there, I could see exactly what was going on. I hugged my knees and knew there was nothing I could do. I wanted to get up and call, but I was too scared. “You’re next” was the only thing that came into my head when I thought about calling the cops. Nothing made any sense. I tucked my head between my knees and started to cry. I just wanted things to be okay. It felt like time stopped and all I could hear was tussling and yelling. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped up ready to run, but it was Ma.
“You alright, honey?” She rubbed the top of my head gently. “Everything’s okay. Come here.” She pulled me tight for a hug. With tears in her eyes she looked me in the face.
“We’re gonna be fine, Dre, I promise. Everything’s okay now. We’re fine, baby,” she repeated as she rocked me side to side.
I wanted to believe her, but I was rattled down to my bones. Nothing felt okay. Nothing felt fine, not to me. I panned the house, trying to see where Pop was at. He was stretched out on the one-seater in front of the TV. My chest lit up again when I caught a glance of him. I power walked into Nina’s room. Ma went into their bedroom, mean-mugging Pop the whole way there.
I got into Nina’s room and she was balled up in her tan winter blanket, lodged in her closet, rocking back and forth. She looked like she was in a cocoon. All I could see was the top of her braids shaking like a pom-pom, sticking out from the tan ball in the corner. Once I closed the door she tipped down the blanket to eye level. She was still crying. When she looked into my eyes, she took a big breath and began crying harder.
“I’m so sorry, Dre. You didn’t need to be here for that. Shit’s just not okay, don’t think this shit’s okay, ya hear? I just wish he’d leave us alone. He just needs to go ’head and die,” she said through the stutters of her cry. She chinned her face out of the blanket. I squinted at her.
“Where’d he get you?” I asked.
She rolled out her lower lip and showed me a purplish-red bust.
“Look. I bit my lip when that bum-ass nigga tackled me. You just wait. He’s gonna get his. Believe that.”
I sat down next to her. I looked her in the face and could see the puffy handprints running up her cheek and down her neck. I wanted to cry too, but I didn’t want to make things worse. She put her arm around me and we just sat there for a while as her cries slowly turned to sniffles. Then she spoke.
“So yeah, I guess I blew it. Ma didn’t want you to know. You half know anyway. Daddy’s been out there in Lynn staying by some other bitch’s place. They even got a kid. The lil’ shithead’s a boy. Not sure how old, though.”
I didn’t really know how to feel.
“How you mean? Like in real life, I got a brother … for real?”
She nodded. “What ‘things’ you think Ma was talking about at dinner?”
For a second I almost got excited. I always wanted a brother. But it hit me quick. There was nothing cool about having a brother like that. After Nina shook up my whole world, we returned to silence. It felt like the lights in the room had gotten brighter. I sat there and began to question everything. What a good actor he is, I thought. I felt stupid. I should’ve figured there was more to Pop than just reggae music and drugs. Nina tugged at my shoulder.
“Andre, it’s nine o’clock. Isn’t your show coming on?” she asked.
The wrestling match just didn’t matter like it did an hour ago. I didn’t want to move or do anything. I wanted to sit and think on things. Just take it in, really.
“Andre,” I heard Ma call. The butterflies fluttered back into my stomach. I looked at Nina.
“It’s okay. You can go. I’m fine.” She nudged my shoulder. “Go ’head.”
When I got up, my legs still felt weak. I opened the door and I saw Ma in the living room talking to Pop. I caught the tail end of their convo.
“And you better calm ya black ass down, you’re scaring Andre.”
Then she turned around and saw me. She met me a few steps in front of the doorway and knelt down.
“Baby, your father’s very sorry. He promised everything’s gonna be fine. He just lost his temper. But he’s sorry. Now go catch some of your show.”
Her hair looked wild. Her face was hard. She smiled, but I could tell there was no happiness in her.
“I’ve got to go to work, okay? I picked up the night shifts overtime. Your father wants to watch the match with you. It’s about to start. Hurry or you’ll miss it.”
She bumped me toward the living room. I put on the brakes. “Ma, can I come with you?”
She smiled at me—for real this time.
“Boy, you haven’t shut up about that match all week. Go on. Sit with your father. He misses you.” She poked me, trying to make me laugh. I broke and started laughing. “Now go ’head, your father promised he’d be cool. I pinky-swear.”
When I saw her pinky out in front of me, I knew it was serious business. We locked pinkies and she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I stood there in the doorway until I heard the front door slam. I walked into the living room.
I knocked off the lights before I got to the couch. I couldn’t even look him in the face. I didn’t know what to say to him. Right as I sat down Booker T and Scott Steiner were circling around each other. Jumping on the balls of their feet, arms half bent, looking for the right time to pounce. I hardly could watch. I could feel Pop’s eyes side-glancing me. My eyes stayed glued to the TV, avoiding eye contact at all costs. The TV made the room look dark blue. When he was
n’t looking at me I peeped over at him as the flashes of blue bounced on and off his skinny chest.
When the match went to commercial break he turned on the end of the Hornets-Bulls game. Michael Jordan had the game under control. I figured he’d watch it for a bit, then turn my match back on, but when the game ended and he started watching the postgame show, I got nervous. My hands started to sweat. After a couple minutes, I squeaked out, “Pop, can you put the match back on, please?” My heart was banging like a subwoofer.
He looked at me. My hands were now shaking and sweating. He moved his calloused fist from the armrest. I jumped. He grabbed the remote. I flinched again. He clicked back on the match.
“So who you got ya money on tonight, Dre?”
“I dunno.”
We shared a long pause.
“So … how’s basketball season going? How’s your travel team doing?”
“It was cool. It ended two months ago. I’m playing in the outdoor league now, it’s springtime.”
We went silent again and the match jumped back onto the screen from commercial break. Booker T and Scott Steiner had their hands locked, standing up, knees bent, playing a big game of mercy. They both swayed and pushed, trying to gain some leverage. I couldn’t even enjoy it. I was too busy watching the live wire sitting across the room from me. I just looked as the shadows ran all over him. Wondering, why? And how? We made eye contact for a second, but I bolted my gaze straight to the floor. Then he looked me off. And I looked back at him. Then we did it again.
“Am I fucking bothering you, Dre?”
I got a jolt of lightning in my stomach.
“Nah, I’m just tired, Pop. I think I’m gonna head off to bed,” I said and then got up and headed for my room.
It was cooler in my room, I thought as I plopped down on my bed. I rested my head on my pillow and closed my eyes. My head smashed with questions. How could he hit Nina like that? Now we done took some third-world beat downs in this house, but he looked like he really wanted to kill her. His eyes were so red, he looked possessed. He’s the one who once told me, “Only a coward puts hands to a woman,” and now look at him. With this business about some other lady and having a brother, I didn’t know what to make of anything he’d ever told me.
I lay on my bed with my desk lamp on. Waiting. Waiting for him to leave. His job was done here. It was time for some peace. Until the next time he came slithering back in through that basement door. I heard him fumbling to hold the phone and the beep of him mashing down the numbers. Then he started talking, loud and loose.
“Just coolin’ it at the house with the kids.” He chuckled. “We just here chilling, ya know, easy vibin’. Who’s all over there? Is EJ awake? Yep. Alright. I’ll see you a lil’ bit.” And he clicked.
A few minutes later I heard footsteps heading down the stairs to the basement. Then a deep thud. I kicked my feet into my slippers, ran into the bathroom, and hopped into the tub. From the window I could see out into the side alley of our house leading to the next street over. Sure enough, there was Pop leaving out the basement door.
I ran into the kitchen, flicked on the basement light, and walked down the stairs. I looked over in the corner where he kept all his records and drum equipment. His drum set was still there. I walked over to the basement door and watched Pop out the peephole, walking, a dark skinny figure, bleaching into the night. He hit the bend in the alley heading toward Blue Hills Parkway.
I threw the bolt on the basement door.
I was the only reason it stayed unlocked anyway.
5
The Big One-Two
Pop pulled up in his rusty old blue Bronco. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I hadn’t seen him in about four months. I wanted to be so mad at him. He’d missed my whole rec league season and my all-star game too. We won the championship this year and I got the team MVP award. Man, he’d missed everything. Only because today was my birthday, I was giving him a get-out-of-jail-free card. I hadn’t believed Nina when she said she’d overheard Ma telling Aunty Diamond and her boyfriend Lex that Pop was going to take me out for my birthday. When he stepped out of the car he looked kinda scary. He was so skinny, his hair looked ready to dread, and he smelled like cigarettes and liquor, but I still couldn’t help being excited to see him. The first thing I said to him was, “Why don’t you eat some food, man?”
He answered in his strongest patois, “Wat a gwanlicklepickny. Happyburtday. Looks likes it’s a’me n’ ayu today.”
I really didn’t even know if it was cool for me to go out with him. I stood there real confused.
“I don’t know, Pop. I gotta ask Ma if I can.”
“It’s cool, man,” he said.
But I knew better than to believe him.
Right when I got to the porch, Ma came outside beaming. She had my Red Sox cap and my Celtics jersey in her hands. She knelt down and whispered in my ear, “This is your surprise, Dre. I know you miss your daddy. Y’all have fun today.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek. Then she stood up and looked at Pop. He was still standing at the fence. He never came past the fence anymore.
“Eddy, y’all have a good day. I don’t want no monkey business, ya hear?”
He didn’t answer her. They just looked at each other like strangers.
“Thanks, Ma,” I said, and grabbed my stuff and ran to the car before she could change her mind.
When we turned the corner of Verndale onto Blue Hills Parkway, I couldn’t believe he was there sitting next to me and we were going to spend the whole day together. I’d only seen him a few times since that night when he freaked out and hit Nina. For a while we just rode, not really saying anything. He had missed so much I didn’t really know where to start. I wanted to tell him about how I got into my first fight, or about my first game of spin the bottle or my rec league season. I wanted to tell him I was onto him, that I knew why his cigarettes smelled different. I had so much to say I just stayed silent and looked out the window. I love Boston in the daytime. It’s so peaceful. No one’s really out but the bums, hustlers, and fiends.
“What’s wrong wit’ you, pickny? You alright? A surprise coming for you today, man.”
“Really?”
“Yup. We gunna have a good day, star, trust.”
I wanted to be surprised, so I didn’t ask where we were going. I just enjoyed the ride. It seemed like we were going on a tour of Boston. We passed Blue Hill Avenue and the Commons. We passed through downtown and Harvard Square. But when we got on the Tobin Bridge, I got really scared.
“Pop, where are we going?” I asked him. He just laughed and kept driving. “Pop, where are we going?” I asked him again.
“Relax, man, ya know? Today I figured you were ready.”
When we got on the Tobin Bridge, I saw a sign for Lynn, and I knew nothing good was going to come of this trip. All I could think to myself was, “Lynn, Lynn, the City of Sin, ya never come out the same as ya came in.” I knew my Pop’s mistress lived in Lynn with my half brother. I had to stop this now. “Pop, I don’t want to meet him.”
He knew. He knew Ma didn’t want me around his mistress and her kid.
Jamaican Pop came out again. Always trying to be smooth. “Relax, EJ is tense up ta meet you already. Mon, just cool it and tek it easy, mon. Dem already waiting for us.”
I wanted to jump out of the car, but there was nothing I could do. He was driving and I was sitting there already regretting this trip.
“Pop, you know Ma doesn’t want me with them.”
“Now, Dre, who in da world said we haf ta tell ya mudda ’bout dis. When your friends at school do things, do you tell your teachers? I am your friend, right? So why would we have to tell her?”
He had a point, but I still couldn’t shake the fiery flashes I was getting in my stomach. I let down my window to get some fresh air because I felt like I was gonna hurl. It was terrible. My belly was so tight it hurt to speak, so I didn’t. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine how many cables held up the Zakim Bridg
e but all I could think to myself was how mad Ma was going to be when she found out. So I looked out the window and let the ride pass. Every time we stopped, I wanted to jump out of the car and run. I could still hear Ma’s voice forbidding me to meet my “halfie.” When we got off the exit, I really started to tense up. I wanted to cry. I didn’t understand why he wanted me to disobey her like this.
“Yo, Rasta, I always hear say you want a brudda and ting, well it’s time y’all link up and vibe, mon. Don’t worry yaself. It’s okay.”
When we pulled up to Dunkin’ Donuts, I saw them. A woman and a young boy. Pop turned off the car and popped open the glove box, brushed his hair back, and rested his cigarette on the window.
“That’s EJ and his mother. I love her, ya know.”
When he said that, I wanted to kill him. How could he love anyone but Ma? I wanted to ask him how he could have two families, but I was too scared. When I made eye contact with EJ, he smiled. I looked away. I didn’t want to see him.
Pop got out and walked over to them. Ma was so much prettier than this trick. She was fat with a dusty old weave in her head. When he hugged her, I felt a piece of myself die. His face lit up. He looked so happy. Then he grabbed little EJ and picked him up and swung him around. I felt like I shouldn’t have been peeping on this family. I wanted to mind my own business. But I couldn’t help looking. When they all started walking toward the car, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know where I was. There was nowhere to go. So I just sat there and put my seat all the way back so they couldn’t see me.
Pop snatched open the door and said, “Boy, you don’t know how to speak?” So I sat up.
“Hey, honey-dip, happy birthday,” she said. “How does it feel to be the big one-two?”