“I dove out of a moving truck,” she said. “I got a little banged up.”
Still he stared at her, and she could see his resistance, his refusal to exonerate himself. “They didn’t touch me,” she repeated more firmly, realizing that he was using it an excuse to punish himself for the guilt he’d been carrying for so many centuries. “Gideon, your axe saved me from the first one, and then you arrived in time to rescue me from the second one. You saved me.”
Gideon finally registered her words. He hadn’t been too late—
No. He would not let himself off the hook. Not this time. He lifted his face to the trees, fighting off the need to succumb to her words. To let her comfort him.
The soft touch of her hands slid around his waist, and he jerked free, unable to allow himself to accept her forgiveness. “Don’t you get it? Your mother’s right. I’m a monster.” He couldn’t stop his fingers from trailing through her hair, for one last touch. God, it was so soft. She was like an angel of light that had been gifted into his life, and he’d blown it.
“You’re not a monster,” Lily said, her voice clear and true, her gaze unwavering.
“There have been only two women that my soul requires me to protect more than any others, and I failed you both. Juliette is dead, and you were kidnapped by a psychopath.” Gideon swore softly at the utter lack of judgment in her green eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, Lily. I’m not a hero. I’m a demon, and the longer you hang out with me, the more your life is at risk.” He grabbed her arm and pressed his palm to her mark. “The bond’s almost complete, or did you forget? When it finalizes—”
“Nate raped me.”
Gideon went rigid, and his vision momentarily whited out with rage. “Jesus, Lily.”
She didn’t look away. “Frank wanted Nate to call out my magic, so he made my mind forget I hated Nate.” She swallowed, the tendons in her neck strained. “I broke Frank’s hold on me before, and I thought I’d won.”
Gideon couldn’t keep himself from reaching for her, and she let him take her hand, but she kept her body stiff, holding tight to her emotions.
She lifted her chin and pulled her shoulders back, and he could feel her trying to lock down the pain of her memories. “Nate had never touched me sexually until Frank convinced him they had to break me to get me to do what they wanted, to get to my magic.” She met his gaze, and he was stunned at the strength in her eyes, even though they were laced with such pain.
Gideon’s throat thickened. “Lily—”
“They didn’t break me, Gideon. I refused to let them.” She held up her hand to block him as he tried to pull her against him. “Don’t give me sympathy, Gideon. I won’t crumble for them. I need to stay strong. I need to move forward. I need to kill Frank.”
Darkness raced through Gideon, and he welcomed it. He embraced the rage, the fury, and the need to kill. He let that deadliness surge to the surface and invited it to consume him. “He’s mine.” His voice was so lethal and deadly he didn’t even recognize it. He was crossing the line. He was becoming the demon he’d tried so hard to convince himself he wasn’t.
“Gideon! Stop!” Lily grabbed him, her grip tight on his arm. “Don’t you dare go rogue on me, Gideon! Don’t you get it? The reason I told you about that was so you’d understand the truth! You’re not the monster! Nate was! Frank is! Not you!”
A faint red glow began to shield Gideon’s vision, tainting everything he could see. Violence crept through him, like the insidious crawl of insanity, death and merciless destruction. “I almost did the same thing as Nate did. I drained you for your magic in the woods. I almost made love to you at the mansion and I would have stolen your magic there, as well.”
“No!” Lily grabbed his shoulders. “No! It wasn’t the same thing, Gideon! I was right there with you! I gave you my magic in the woods. At the mansion, I wanted it as much as you did—”
“Stop it!” His voice was gritty, and he didn’t even recognize it as the world began to glow as if a fire was consuming it. He knew his eyes were glowing red now, and he felt the darkness tighten its grip. It would be over soon. He’d be consumed by the darkness. No more guilt. Nothing but the need to destroy.
“I know what I’ve done,” he rasped. “To you, to Juliette, to your grandmother. I know. I’m not a hero. I’m not honor, and I’m not lying to myself anymore. How can I, when I look at you and see all that goodness I’m going to destroy, one way or the other.” His mind began to spin, and he started to stagger. He fumbled for his keys and threw them at her. “Get out of here. Once I succumb, I’ll take you out, too. I’ll go after Frank and he will die. Suffer.” Images flashed in his mind of Frank’s body. Of Gideon slamming his fist into the bastard’s stomach and ripping out his intestines, raising them to the sun, letting them burst into flames—
“Damn you, Gideon!” Lily grabbed his shoulders and pushed him backwards so hard he stumbled and fell on his ass. She jumped on him, her knees landing on his stomach.
The air slammed out of his gut with a whoosh, and Lily leaned over him, her green eyes blazing. “Frank’s men will find me here! You know they will. And when they kidnap me, it’ll be your damn fault for being a damned martyr and leaving me behind.”
Gideon bellowed his rage as her words burst through the fiery haze surrounding him. The truth of her statement broke through his denial, yanking him back from the dark precipice. She was right. Frank would come after her. “Fuck, Lily! I’m trying to do something right for a change.”
“No, you aren’t.” Her hands were on either side of his head, bracing her as her knees continued to dig into his gut. “You’re trying to pull some macho warrior crap instead of facing some tough emotions. For hell’s sake, Gideon, going rogue and killing Frank isn’t going to make the pain inside you go away and it’s not going to change the fact that Juliette’s dead!”
Guilt swelled through him, and he shoved her off him.
She sat in the dirt, her eyes blazing with fury. “Juliette’s dead, Gideon. She’s dead! It’s over! No matter what you do, you’ll never change that! No matter how hard you adhere to your oath, she’ll still be dead!”
Gideon staggered to his feet, his head reeling. Agony beat at his mind, denial screamed at him. “Stop it!”
“Juliette’s dead but I’m not! I’m right here!” Lily shouted it so loud it burst through the storm raging through him, and he stared at her.
Her chest was heaving, tears were streaming down her cheeks, and her face was red with heat and fury. Lily saw that he’d finally noticed her, and her voice quieted. “The future doesn’t have to repeat itself. Don’t you understand? I’m your life now, Gideon. It can be different this time, but you have to drop your baggage and deal with me.” She held out her hand to him. “Be strong enough to fight this time the way the battle should be fought. I need you, Gideon. I need you by my side, not leaving me behind.”
His body started to shake, and he dropped to his knees in the dirt beside her. “I can’t. I can’t bring you into this. I can’t risk you for the Order’s goals. I—”
“They aren’t only the Order’s goals, Gideon. They’re mine, too. I have to make sure Frank is stopped or I’ll never be free. If you shut me out and Frank succeeds, we all lose. Let me fight for myself, Gideon. Stand by me, keep me safe, but please, let me fight. You need me. You know you do.” Her eyes were aching with pain but also with the strength he’d always admired about her. She crawled across the dirt to him. “Please, Gideon, don’t give Frank the victory because you’re letting your guilt of the past keep you from doing what’s right today.”
He closed his eyes. “I can’t risk you—”
“You can.” Her hands went to his waist again, and this time he didn’t push her away. “I’m not dead, Gideon. Say it.”
He opened his eyes to look into her face. “Juliette’s dead,” he said. “Dead because of me.”
Lily nodded. “She is.”
He lifted one hand to her hair, her brilliant, gol
den hair. “But you’re not dead. I haven’t killed you yet.”
She smiled softly. “No, not yet. I know what you are, Gideon, and I’m asking you to stay with me. Unlike Juliette, I accept the risks. This isn’t about some unilateral decision you made to change my life. I know exactly what I’m doing and what the risks are, and I want you.”
“Lily.” Gideon was overwhelmed by her words, by her truth. He touched her hair, in awe that this woman, this incredible woman, could see him for who he was, and accept him. She smiled and grasped his hand, and he saw his marks on her arm, evidence of how he’d taken away her choices.
Gideon dropped his hand, disgusted with himself for even thinking he had a right to her. “You’ve been through too much because of me. I can’t keep you safe. I tried. And I failed—”
Lily put her finger over his lips, silencing him. “Do you remember the night in the woods, when you held me while I cried, after we’d survived the river?”
The moment came back to him instantly, the way he’d held her for so long while the sobs wracked her body. He recalled his consuming need to protect her, to keep her safe. He remembered the utter satisfaction he’d felt at having her body tucked against his, at having her drop her defenses for him. Unbidden, his hand crept back to her hip, his fingers slipping beneath the hem of her shirt and over her skin, the way he’d done that night. “I remember.” God, he remembered. He’d never felt more right in his life.
“I cried because for the first time in a long time, someone was there to protect me, and it was okay for me to be vulnerable.” Lily met his gaze, those enormous green eyes looking at him with a warmth and compassion he didn’t understand. “I try to be tough, Gideon. I really do. But I can’t do it by myself. I know my limits, and I need you.” She raised herself up on her knees until she was level with him. “You chase all the nightmares away when you hold me in your arms,” she whispered. “Your hands have killed so many, but when you touch me, it’s all good. It’s only good.”
God, she was beautiful. A gift. An angel. How could she be looking at him like he was worthy? He didn’t understand. “Lily—”
“Not only do you chase away the bad, but you give me new memories. You give me hope.” Her hands went to his shoulders, her breath warm against his lips. “I need hope, Gideon. Hope for change, hope that we can win, hope that someday, somewhere, I’ll be able to crawl into bed, snuggle into your arms and find peace.”
He touched the pad of his index finger to her cheek. “You make me feel…”
“What?”
Gideon had no words to express the soft emotions rolling around inside him, and he knew, in that moment, he would give anything to be the man she believed him to be. He wasn’t, he never would be, but for this instant, he wanted it too badly to walk away. He wanted to hide in the fantasy she’d created and live it, for one minute. He burned to look into her eyes and see himself as she saw him. He had no idea how she’d come to view him in that light. It blew his mind, but he didn’t give a shit right now.
Right now, he wanted to be the man she thought he was.
He knew it was wrong. He knew they had no time. And he knew it would endanger them both by tightening their bond. But he simply could not tear himself away from the oasis that she offered him, a moment so beautiful and so honest that he knew it would sustain him for the rest of his life.
He swept her up against him and kissed her.
Not just a kiss.
It was a penetrating connection that was far more than foreplay; it was a hot, wet, sinfully erotic promise and a dominating, demanding commitment, all tangled up in a mixture of unrepentant burning need.
When Lily opened her mouth under his assault and arched her back so her breasts pressed against his chest, Gideon knew they weren’t going to stop until he’d gotten what he needed.
Which was her. Every last inch of her body, her mind and her soul.
Now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Lily tasted the desperation in Gideon’s kiss as he lowered her onto the nurturing earth, his mouth hot and desperate against hers. It wasn’t a kiss. It was a statement of possession, controlled anger, frustration and such raw, blistering need as she’d never felt before. It thrilled her, the way he needed her, his inability to pry himself away from their connection.
His hands raced over her belly, palming her stomach, her hips, her ribs, as he continued to kiss her, his mouth so demanding, she felt as if he’d inhale her right into his soul. The kiss was everything she wanted. She wanted Gideon to lose control, to go so crazy with his need for her that he forgot to hold back. Lily wanted to burst through those cold walls he hid behind. This kind of intensity was what she wanted from him. Heat, passion, need and intimacy, so many tumbling emotions that no doubt scared him to death. She wanted him to live.
Gideon yanked her shirt over her head, tugged her bra aside, and his mouth closed down on her nipple so hard she yelped.
He froze instantly, his body going rigid. I hurt you.
There was such raw, exposed pain in those three words that she couldn’t have stopped him even if he had hurt her. But he hadn’t. It had been the perfect synergy of unbridled passion, uncontained need, and unrivaled connection. “Not even close.” She wrapped her arms around his head, pulled him down to her breast. “Lose control, Gideon. I want to feel you lose control.”
She almost laughed with giddiness as she said those words. How her life had changed since Gideon had come into it. She was actually telling a Calydon to lose control with her? Where was the reserved, fearful woman she’d kept locked down so rigidly her whole life? Gloriously free, because she knew that her bond with Gideon was so strong that he was incapable of hurting her. He would do whatever it took to make sure she was safe. His instincts were her safety net, the gift that allowed her to embrace him so completely, and coax him to do the same. Together, they could both fully live in a way neither of them ever had before.
After a moment, Gideon slid his hand over her skin and cupped her breast. He was being careful now, but she could feel his urgency pulsing at her, driving at him even as he strived to be tender with her. Lily smiled, her heart warming at his internal struggle. This was a monster? A man who honored her so completely that he refused to allow his passionate nature to surface? No chance.
Gideon’s tongue swept over the tender peak of her nipple, and she released a breath of delight. His touch was so light. So careful. He wasn’t giving her any of the need, passion and desperation that had driven him a split second ago. After that moment when he’d thought he’d hurt her, he’d slammed a rigid lock on his passions.
The dark fingers of loss slid through her mind, and she knew it wasn’t enough what he was giving her now. She didn’t want the reserved, controlled Gideon of the last five hundred years. She couldn’t accept the man who was crumbling inside while his stoic veneer held the world at bay. She wanted the visceral heat, the total wildness, the dark, heated passion that rode so strongly beneath the surface.
Nothing else would do.
Gideon lifted his head, his blue eyes fastening on hers with regret, clearly sensing her withdrawal. “I understand—”
“No, you don’t.” Lily fisted his hair and yanked him down on top of her, kissing him the way he’d kissed her. So hard, so deep, so desperate. She uncorked all her pent up emotions of fear, anger, loss, loneliness, hopelessness and channeled them into her need for him, his kiss, his body, and his complete capitulation to what was between them.
She needed to feel him fall into the fire. She ached to have him lose his control and bow under his need. She put all of that into her kiss, until Gideon was kissing her back just as hard, his tongue thrusting so deep she thought she’d explode from the sensations ripping through her.
Then his palm was at her chest and he deftly flicked the front of her bra. Cold air swept over her raised nipples, and she caught her breath in anticipation as he broke the kiss. She opened her eyes to find his heated gaze drinking in her breasts
, such unguarded desire in his eyes that her heart tightened.
Darkness flickered in his eyes, and he moved faster than she could see, but suddenly his mouth was on her breast again, sucking while his tongue swirled and his teeth grazed her skin in a tantalizing rhythm that had her hips writhing under him. His fingers pinched her other nipple, mimicking the movement of his mouth, while his other hand cupped between her legs, drawing heat and wetness through her jeans.
His movements increased in intensity, his mouth working, his hands teasing, faster and faster. He growled fiercely, and then he yanked down her pants and shed his, again moving so quickly she didn’t have time to miss him before his hips settled between her thighs, his hot skin so smooth against hers.
For an instant, she froze as a flashback to Nate knifed through her and her stomach churned. She shoved at his shoulders in sudden panic. “No, wait. I can’t—”
“Lily.” Gideon’s voice was soft, yet firm as his hand skimmed her hip, his touch so light, and teasing. “Look at me.”
She opened her eyes to look into his blue ones and saw the raging need for her burning in them. Not just lust, but a deep-seeded yearning that was so far beyond anything he could probably even articulate. In his face was the intimacy reserved only for her, and she knew the desire raging between them had nothing to do with the sheva bond or her magic. Right now, it was just them, just this passionate, wonderful man who was so burdened with guilt and self-hate, and yet somehow managed to commit himself so completely to her.
Lily felt Gideon withdraw and realized he was about to stop, summoning immense willpower to keep her safe. He could do nothing else other than protect her, no matter how badly he wanted her. She felt the warmth of his concern for her filling her like the beautiful sunshine on a spring day, his commitment to her evident in the heat of his spirit as it wrapped around her like a protective shield. There were no words for him to speak, she felt his commitment to her in every breath, in the steady rhythm of his heart, and in the beauty of his spirit.
Darkness Seduced (Primal Heat Trilogy #2) (Order of the Blade) Page 28