“If you really wanted to be here and stay with me, you wouldn’t have to work. You could go freelance, you’re a good enough writer to be able to do that.” I heard his romantic pledge, his plea for me to move everything for him, but what I didn’t hear was a declaration of a definite future for us.
“I’m not ready to think about all this, yet. It’s as simple as that.”
He seemed understanding, still holding me in his arms. “I understand it’s all moving fast and it’s scary. I’m scared too, Chloe. I really wanna be with you. You make me feel so good. Better than I have ever felt.”
“Really?”
“Totally. I adore you, you know?”
“You do?” I lifted myself up over him and wiped at my snotty nose.
“Really,” he nodded, his beautiful face in defeat. “We’ll figure something out. All I know is we need to spend lots and lots of time together.”
“Yeah. I want that too, I really do.”
He gathered me in his arms. “I’ll set an early alarm so we can have breakfast together and talk more when we’re not so whacked out, okay?”
“Mm-kay.”
He kissed my head and reached for the lamp, switching it off. I fell asleep in moments, the past few days and my worry having exhausted me.
WE didn’t make love in the morning. In my usual neurotic way, I thought it was because he was afraid that every time we made love from then on, I’d just cry like a baby afterwards. We gingerly took turns in the bathroom and headed out for breakfast at a restaurant nearby. We filled up on ham and eggs like we might never eat again. It was any excuse just to avoid conversation.
He rubbed the back of his head and squinted, and I knew, he was working up to something. I was frightened to go first and all he managed was, “What’s wrong?”
Could we do this in a public eatery? With others around?
I tried to sound as calm as possible, leaning slightly across the table to ask him, “Why the gay rumours? It’s non-stop. I just don’t get it.”
He looked uncomfortable—his nose twitching, coupled with that head scratching thing again. “Really wanna know?”
“Umm, yeah. If you want me to stick with you, then I think we need to clear this up for sure.”
Why couldn’t everything be perfect? Why did we need confessions? Rumours? Secrets between us that needed explaining? I hated my womanly need for clarity. I’d survived so long without this demanding pull toward someone else. How had this even happened? I was meant to be a strong, independent woman… damn it.
He whispered so only I could hear. “It’s easier. In my job. It’s not the models… it’s their assistants. Their dressers, their PAs, their dog walkers, their cell phone holders, their goddamned hair and make-up stylists. Can you imagine what lengths they might go to if they knew I was straight? You wouldn’t be a challenge that would put them off, believe me. Not even a wife would be. That my aunt oversees the production of Frame… that rumours about family secrets constantly circulate… and they might be in with a chance of getting in on that? Nuh-uh.”
I took a breath for him. “Okay? I can kind of understand that.”
“Keeps the sharks at bay.”
I felt silly and idiotic. Yet letting people think he was gay hadn’t seemed at all like a clever ruse, not to me, the girl he was seeing.
“It will confuse them when pictures of us appear everywhere. That’s if we do end up spending a lot more time together.” I pouted and looked away, playing the jilted lover.
“The more confused the better, perhaps. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks… as long as we’re good here, yeah?”
I looked down at the table and arranged things in neat lines even though we’d already eaten and the table was awash with spilled condiments and napkins. “You’re telling me that you might have women throwing themselves at you unless they believe you’re gay. You’re telling me that you have the pick of the crop… so why are you into me?”
I looked up when he was silent and saw a smile that made me melt.
“You don’t know me well enough yet,” I argued, looking away to avoid the face that had me enthralled.
“Neither do you.” He reached for my hand and teased his fingers through mine. “We don’t wanna do the whole upfront thing, do we? I don’t want that, you know? Me spilling my guts over dead parents and you spilling them over… whatever. I don’t think you do either. So c’mon, just let this happen. Don’t sweat it. We’ll figure it out.”
My first instinct was to pull him to me, but my second was to protect him, and he wasn’t letting me. He wasn’t hearing me. “I come from a world so different to yours.”
“I know. Hence why I love you.” He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it.
I shut my eyes and swooned. “Just that. That. It makes me happier than I’ve been in forever.”
“Me too,” he told me, holding onto my knuckles and kissing those too.
He threw some bills on the table and we walked back to my hotel and went upstairs. Inside, he asked, “Do we have time?”
I glanced at the clock and saw I had ten minutes before I needed to be down at the cab caravan outside. “Yes!”
I went to the bed and got on all fours, fully clothed. He pulled up my skirt and slid my thong to the side. After stroking me only a couple of times, he unzipped and positioned himself. He entered me without the preparation I really required for his size but I didn’t care. I needed him raw for a change.
He gripped my hips just at the tops of my thighs and pulled me back and forth on him. He reached underneath to stroke me and the simultaneous slapping of his balls made me call out.
“I need you,” he moaned. “Your pussy smells so good.”
“Oh god, Cai. Don’t stop.”
I looked forward to walking around all day with him inside me, knowing he fucked me like that.
He made me come so hard, so sharp—I grunted with my face pushed hard in the bedspread. He pulled out and smeared himself all over my buttocks and lower back, rubbing it in. While the air dried his cum, we panted hoarsely. I had to get a move on and stood up with some effort, my arms and legs aching in the aftermath of climax. I slid my thong back into place and wriggled my skirt down. In the mirror, I looked like I’d been fucked. I took a deep breath and smoothed my hair, my clothes. I spritzed some perfume and smiled at him, laid lazily across the bed with his cock out.
“I’ll smell you all day.”
“I know,” he grinned, tasting his fingers. “See you tonight.”
I leaned across the bed to kiss his lips and dashed away.
Chapter 24
THURSDAY NIGHT AND our last date for a while, possibly. He picked me up from my hotel and the way we greeted each other in the car was desperate. We chewed lips and manhandled one another across the seats. I couldn’t speak, I wanted him so much. Why couldn’t he come back to London with me? In the car on the way to wherever he was taking me, he was quiet. I didn’t ask him anything because I was too afraid I would get an answer I didn’t like.
My thoughts wandered—me being the eternal pessimist—cynic being my default setting. I gave up on blind hope years ago. I’d fooled around with so many men who meant nothing more than sex. I’d always known that, going in, none of them mattered or could. Or would. None of my conquests had gotten to the stage of falling-in-love kind of heartache and disappointment. Maybe it was just that I had been wading a pool where men didn’t get what it was I wanted. Or maybe I had put up a mental block for so long. This proved how strongly I felt about Cai. Years of messing about and then this one guy comes along and tugs at my heart.
In all honesty, I felt entirely certain Cai was what I had been waiting for, all my life. I was terrified. He was American. Me, a Brit. A 30 year old who had gotten to this age somehow, and now, didn’t know what she had been doing for so long. Alcohol, screwing and dreaming had taken up all that time but nothing substantial had ever come along, nothing worthwhile or sentimental.
&nb
sp; I didn’t know how he might react to finding out I grassed up my own sister. She did counselling and rehab and community service. My parents hated it that everyone in the community could see their daughter at the side of the motorway, clearing rubbish. She also had to go into schools and give talks about the dangers of drugs, even though she told us that she’d take drugs again when she was old enough to move out and get herself on the dole.
I spent years trying to avoid the repercussions of my decision. Amanda briefly left home at 18, and spiralled again. As though me stalling her wild years had made her wilder when she finally did get to leave home. I’d tried to help her and all it had gotten me was a scar and the hate of my family, who would most probably have preferred it if I remained quiet, brushed everything under the carpet.
I’d lived with all this for far too long, wondering why they didn’t love me enough to have sympathy. Why they let me go my own way without a fight, as if I wasn’t worth holding onto. The strength I’d been forced to find was exhausting some days, because I had to use everything just to get myself through the day.
The dangerous, lurking boxes, the shut files stuffed at the back of my mind, contained my father’s taunts and the look in his eye—the understanding that I just didn’t belong in his comfortable world because I wanted more from life, and I was willing to fight for it. Fight for it I had, but it might have been easier with his blessing. I had the support of so many, but why not his? And why did it bother me so much? Being the strong one had cost me, and sometimes, I wished I weren’t so easily placed in the, ‘she’ll be fine’, box. I was the one everyone relied on—it was my station in life.
Suffering a disappointment from Cai as well might have proven too much. This man represented a possibility—a chance—to achieve the last piece of the puzzle that formed everything I had ever hoped and dreamed of. Either I was finally getting everything I wanted or someone, somewhere, was having a good old laugh at my expense… you know?
The words reverberated around my head: Pride comes before a fall… she thought she had it all… darn, he wasn’t all that nice after all.
Lost to my maudlin thoughts, I didn’t even notice where Cai was taking us as he drove the car. I was so caught up. When he pulled up on an alley somewhere back of Broadway, I was jolted out of my twisted, gnarled thought processes.
“Out we get, princess,” he gestured.
I had no idea where we were, not really. Loud music came from every direction and as soon as I shut my door, Cai locked the vehicle and held out his arm. I slipped into his embrace, slotting against his body. He wore a dress shirt and pants and me, I wore a black jumpsuit with a halter neck and skyscraper heels that almost put me taller than him.
We sauntered from the alley out onto a more populated street and swiftly, he took me into a dark entranceway, then down below ground into some sort of dingy club.
We were welcomed in without a word so the doormen obviously knew Cai—and I just went with the flow. We were taken to a booth on an upper level and asked if we wanted drinks. I ordered a dirty martini and he asked for a light beer.
Everything was velvet; semicircular booths, walls, the stage even. The chandeliers made it seem more upmarket but for some reason, this seemed to be more a place for its entertainment or food. Some of the mahogany tables and chairs on the floor below were upholstered in gold, buttoned leather.
“Where are we?” I asked when we were alone.
“Someplace I knew you’d like,” he told me.
“Okay,” I smirked.
It was plush inside the establishment even though it seemed kind of underground. There was no awning out front like there was with most clubs.
We were given menus and a few seconds to order, after being told by a scantily dressed waitress, “Show starts in ten.”
I quickly found a gumbo dish and pointed to that, asking they forget the side of dipping bread. Cai ordered a 16oz steak with all the trimmings and smiled at the waitress with his white teeth shining. He tipped his head when she asked if he wanted the drinks to keep coming.
I didn’t have time to speak to him again before the lights were dimmed and the show began. It dawned then.
Burlesque.
Oh my.
Two ladies sashayed from the dark recesses of the stage, silk robes tied lazily at the waist and feather boas draped around their necks. They wore their hair in pretty ringlets framing their faces, braids and swirls at the back. The music was sultry and seductive, and Cai moved to my side so our thighs touched. I felt him curl his hand around mine on my lap but I was so engrossed in the show, so expectant.
The ladies produced canes to dance around and did so in their cute little kitten heels, gradually removing their clothes piece by piece to continue the seduction. I was astonished to realise there were as many men in the audience as women, and some were pretty beautiful themselves.
I wanted to turn and kiss Cai but that’s when our food arrived. We separated a touch so we wouldn’t knock elbows and while he carved his steak like a pro, I took a spoon and fed myself the gumbo. I was totally engrossed as the duo up front were joined by another four ladies, all dressed in little more than stockings, heels, thongs and nipple tassels. Their hair and make-up was a work of art in itself. Many other couples like us were eating, not put off at all by the display of naked flesh only yards away.
The women onstage really got into it, throwing each other backward and forward in a display of continual frisson. Never kissing or caressing, just mimicking what they might do if alone. Their bodies… so unashamed and free. They simultaneously cat-walked that bad-boy stage and I was in awe. A Madam came out at the end and spanked them all for their bad behaviour, and then, she stripped off to reveal the most beautiful, enormous breasts I had ever seen. Men and women in the crowd wolf-whistled to her tune as she let the other ladies know who was boss.
The show finished before we had polished off our food and I looked sideways to see Cai, still feasting. When the music went down, I turned and asked, “You like this place?”
“Got great food.” He winked and swept a kiss over my cheek.
I raised an eyebrow, wishing I had asked for the bread. There was a ton of gorgeous sauce at the bottom of my dish, waiting for my tongue.
“Why else?” I pressed him.
“I dunno… just wanted to see your reaction.” His brow raised and he pulled both lips inside his mouth.
I sank in my seat and was pleased when the MC switched on some ordinary tunes to drown out our conversation.
He seemed to be alluding to the games Klaus and I used to play, because everyone knew Klaus liked the kinkier side of tricks. Including taking his women to burlesque, just like this.
“You could’ve just asked me.”
“You said you were just friends,” he argued. “Clearly… you weren’t.”
“He… okay. We never had sex. We were just friends. Still are. We did fool around. That was all. I swear.”
I couldn’t take it if Cai turned out to be the horrible, jealous type. It wasn’t for me—always having to answer for myself.
Cai appeared as though he wanted to hit something, really hard! I’d seen a punch bag lurking in the corner of his ‘gallery’ and was about to suggest he braced his fists until we got home.
“He didn’t have his fucking cock in you?” He ground out.
“Never,” I replied instantly. “I swear. Anyway you’re the only man I ever let come in me. You’re the only man for me, Cai.”
He took several deep breaths. “Okay.”
“Look, I didn’t like whipping him. I tried it… only once. I don’t really go for it, not really. I mean this… those women on stage… I appreciate that they enjoy it, you know? I used to be up for new things… I tried new things because nothing really worked for me, but that was before—” I shut myself off.
He turned to me, eyeing me closely, still breathing harshly. “Before what?”
“Before… I didn’t know that this kind of thing exis
ted. What we have, I mean. It must have been a moment of weakness that I let you in… I never knew I was lonely, not until you showed me I had been.”
He studied me, trying to gauge whether he could trust my words. I waited for a response, but it never came.
He nodded to the waitress and she dropped off the bill, even though our second round of drinks was barely done with. I tried to guzzle some more but he was already standing, holding out his hand for me to take.
He helped me out of the booth and held his arm around my waist while we waited for his credit card to be put through at the desk. He walked me away and out of there, back down the street and toward the alley we’d hidden the car on.
He opened my door and waited for me to get in but I didn’t. A thought occurred to me that made me stop and think.
“This is my last night and you,” I hesitated, looking anywhere but at him, “you take me to that fucking club. As what? A test?”
He leaned back against the car. His jaw ticked and he pressed his lips together as if he couldn’t physically say what was on the tip of his tongue.
“Cai! This isn’t fair and you know it. I don’t ask you about your sexual history. If I did I’m sure I’d find out the real reason why you propagate that gay rumour.”
He folded his arms, avoiding my wrath. He was ticked off alright.
“You think I’m a slut?” I poked his shoulder and scowled, almost slapping him. Heat rose in my cheeks as I burned with anger. He did, didn’t he? I tapped my feet on the sidewalk and stood waiting for an explanation.
“I do not think you’re a slut,” he said, his eyes still down. “I have a self-esteem problem, okay? How do I know I’m any good for you?”
Unbind (Sub Rosa Series Book 1) Page 19