Unbind (Sub Rosa Series Book 1)

by Lynch, Sarah Michelle

  “Shut up, will you? Don’t be the airhead you’re not, Jen. Come on! You have the whole world at your fingertips. You’re going places, you have respect! I’m just a madcap artist they love to poke fun at. Do you know how hard it is to live with the fact that I will never fulfill my true potential, do you? Do you know how incredibly difficult it is to live with that… to know that I can’t be who I want to be because when I walk down the street, I feel dirty and wrong. I feel like nothing, like I don’t have any worth. I don’t feel like a person or anyone who’s worth anything. I’m nothing, just nothing… the worthless daughter who was forced to watch her mother sell her body… and then… I was forced to do it, too!”

  His mother’s shrill, screaming words echoed throughout the room. He put his hands over his ears and as he did, he felt just how many tears had gathered in his hair.

  Some minutes passed and he regained the courage to take his hands away from his ears again. He smelt strong perfume and realised Jennifer sat above him once more, accompanying his mother in the window seat. Jennifer cried softly while Claudia remained quiet.

  Cai ached inside for his mother and at the same time, hated that she was the mother he got given. So many other boys and girls had caring, loving mothers, but his had always been distant and cold. Now he knew why, but it didn’t really help at all.

  “Philippe… did he know any of this?”

  “Pieces,” Claudia admitted. “Not the whole truth.”

  “Huh,” Jennifer retorted. “Then what you’ve told me stays in this room. You be a good girl and start painting, and we can all be happy. I can begin my new job at the magazine… and you can start fresh, maybe even get a nice man for a change. You’re pretty enough, you could have anybody.”

  “Sweep all this under the carpet then, yeah? Protect our precious careers?”

  “You’re clever, you’ve always been clever,” Jennifer jeered.

  Claudia’s tone was harsh, “Not going to happen. Nope. This ends, now. Cai doesn’t need me. He doesn’t need a mother like me.”

  “Just pop your damn pills and stay alive, for your son’s sake at least!”

  Cai was just too frightened to reveal his presence. What if they say I am a coward for always hiding in cupboards, beneath windows, behind doors, around corners or under hedges? What if they tell me that I am as crazy as her and that I need help too?

  “He’s better off without me and we both know it. We know it, Jen. He’s a strong boy, he’ll be fine. He has enough talent and wherewithal to be whoever he wants to be. I have every faith in him and his abilities. He’s not even had one single, decent parent… and look at him. He’s beautiful and kind and thoughtful.”

  Cai’s heart hammered against his ribcage and acidic tears swelled his poor eyes.

  His vision burned, soul… destroyed.

  She’s always seen me, I just never knew it. Why didn’t she say she was here? She was always here? I wasn’t always alone!

  Jennifer mocked, “You’ll just end it, then? Like a selfish bitch? You’ll just kill yourself?”

  “Yes, it’s the only way. You don’t know… you just don’t know. Philippe got me pills but I never took them. Didn’t want them. This… here… with Philippe… it has been no life and it kills me that my son might have to pay for my mistakes!”

  Jennifer sounded impassioned and through the very narrow slats of wood above him, Cai saw her reach for Claudia’s hands. “We’ll search higher, we’ll get proper help for you! I’ll find people to help you. Philippe didn’t have the connections I do.”

  “Oh. Philippe had connections alright, sis. Don’t doubt that. He just preferred to keep me behind bars. His son… kept from school. I had to take measures. So, finally, he left the house in the Lincoln I’ve been tampering with the brakes on so long I almost decided I should take up a job as a mechanic.”

  “What in the heck are you talking about?”

  “I wanted him dead,” Claudia gritted out, impatient.

  “Who said anything about dead? What are you on about? Honestly!” Jennifer spoke hurriedly.

  Claudia murmured. “No. He must be dead. How could he survive? I meant to kill him! I meant to do it… I wanted it as much as I wanted Willem to murder our parents. I asked him and he did it. He even showed me how he’d done it. He was kind, Willem, he knew… he knew without me having to say… he knew who’d made me like this.”

  “I can call someone if you need help. I think you’re hallucinating now. Our parents died in a tragic accident. Philippe’s car may have tumbled off a bridge but he most certainly wasn’t in that vehicle. No body was found, Claudia.”

  Claudia sounded cool. “No, I most certainly killed him. You don’t know what it was like living with him. You don’t know how desperate I felt sometimes. He never listened to anything I said. He’s dead now and Cai’s free.”

  “For the last time… there was no body. Claire and Dirk told me he was gone… run off. Pushed his vehicle off the bridge. Gone. When they said he was gone, they meant scarpered. Not dead. Gone. He told them the suicide note was a joke… apparently he always knew you were fiddling with the brakes.”

  “They’re mistaken,” his mother laughed, not buying into this ‘theory’.

  That man’s alive? How? How? A part of me wanted him dead too! Cai thought.

  “I’ll find him for you if you want me to. I’ll prove that sack of shit still lives. Klaus will help. Oh yes… I prefer the younger model. Klaus knows people… who know people.”

  “What?” Claudia seemed horrified.

  Cai wished he could see more but there was little space between the wood slats to give him vision. He only saw what happened up above and even then, that was patchy.

  “Klaus. He’s nice. I might marry him,” Jennifer shrugged, as though it was a whimsy.

  “What? What? What? What? What…” Claudia kept on repeating.

  “We’re lovers, you loon.”

  Something nearly choked Claudia before she got her words out. “Then you’re sleeping with your nephew… oh god! Oh god! He’s 16 years younger than you. Oh god. Oh god. How did you do this? How did this happen? How did you not know? How did you not know?” Claudia rambled on and on and on. Through tears, she admitted, “One retreat… I gave birth at. Willem took the child. As his own. I was 17 and had been hiding the bump a while. It was why Mum finally let us go. Oh god…” Claudia cried, her lungs heaving, “…I wasn’t sure of the father. He’s my son. My son. Willem married that au pair as a matter of convenience!”

  Claudia fell to her knees on the floor and bawled her eyes out. “My son. My son. My other son. My son. Oh god. No.”

  The gun fell out of her pocket.

  One of the women took the weapon in her hands.

  And shot herself.

  The other woman fired off a shot.

  But missed.

  Something stopped her.

  THREE hours later, Cai woke up covered in his own vomit. He’d also defecated himself. He remembered very little except that heart-stopping shot that had made him pass out.

  As he came round groggily, it took him some minutes to gather his faculties, to stop himself excreting anything else. He tentatively lifted the lid and saw nobody in the room. Just a huge spill of blood right nearby. He climbed out and used the sash window to escape outside. He shimmied up a drainpipe and snuck upstairs into his bedroom, showering then changing into some clean clothes.

  He emerged downstairs to find a gathering in the study, acting as if he didn’t know anything had happened. “What the hell’s going on?”

  “Son, you better come with me,” an officer said.

  He was told his mother took her own life, that she was very ill. Everyone was very sorry. He nodded along and agreed, “She was very ill.”

  When no mention of Jennifer was made, he didn’t seek to correct those people—didn’t tell them she was right there when it happened.

  Cai assumed Jennifer was too embarrassed to admit—she bedded her own nep
hew—imagining she would do anything to conceal that.

  Chapter 45

  Past

  IT WAS SO simple, really. Cai had just graduated high school and while circulating prom parties on the Upper East Side, he bumped into Jackie who he hadn’t seen in four years. The girl was a year older than him and seemed to be chaperoning her younger sister, Estelle, maybe even helping her navigate the crowd. He harboured a suspicion that Jackie was trying to help Estelle become more popular, the younger sister no beauty or personality in comparison to Jackie.

  Jackie loved him, he knew it, and that night they caught up like no time had passed. She raved on about having taken a year out to help Guatemalan kids and now she was preparing for medical school no less. He mentioned briefly about his woes—the controlling aunt dedicated to keeping him away from that money—and the rest was history after he revealed he only needed to get married to get his hands on it.

  THE night before the wedding, he and Jackie shared a hotel suite at the Waldorf Astoria. Nobody on earth knew they were getting married, not even Jackie’s parents. The truth was, Cai was a very angry young man and he had spotted an opportunity.

  On the huge bed, Cai sat on the edge naked, his legs spread. Jackie licked his penis and tried to suck him to hardness, but nothing was working. She was naked too and Cai tried to tell himself that her soft body and small breasts were enough… he should be hard already. Yet, he wasn’t. He was struggling, he was flaccid, but she kept on.

  “It’ll happen,” she said softly, encouraging him. Cai thought she was either deranged or in denial. He wasn’t sexually attracted to her and he wasn’t sexual. Period.

  “Could we try later? It might be nerves.” He tried to shrug it off.

  “Okay, should we cuddle in bed?”

  “Sure.”

  She pulled back the covers and he followed her beneath them.

  Inside the bed, Jackie laid on his chest and he sensed her tears. She was just so happy to be with him yet the thought of being with her sexually made him feel ill. She pressed her body to his, still seeking his response, but he just didn’t have one.

  “What about eating me out? Touching me? We could try it.”

  “Okay,” he said unemotionally. “Whatever you want, wifey.”

  She smiled and pulled the covers from their bodies. He laid back in his pillow while she straddled his head and got comfy.

  “Is this okay?” She was so sweet, checking with him before lowering.

  “Umm-hmm,” Cai replied, hoping his body might produce some response, soon.

  Jackie lowered herself on Cai’s tongue and he enjoyed the salty-sweet taste of her centre, allowing himself the time to explore all of what was between her legs.

  Jackie held the headboard and began gyrating, circling herself on his tongue. “Cai, oh god, Cai. Please. I’m gonna come baby, oh… I’ve wanted you forever.”

  Cai watched her fondle her breast and rock herself over his mouth. Finally, some response… his cock began to harden.

  He let his tongue run riot and sucked hard, taking her into his mouth and swallowing. An urgency sped up inside him, one he hadn’t ever felt before. Jackie came with his fingers and tongue buried inside her.

  She laughed and threw her head back, “That was amazing.”

  “You got a rubber?” He motioned down to his cock and she groaned with delight.

  “Here,” she said, passing him one from the nightstand.

  He needed help getting it on but luckily she was experienced. The 19 year old girl he was about to fuck was no virgin.

  While she laid on her back, he slowly slid inside her. Jackie immediately bucked into his pelvis and groaned, “You’re huge. I love you, Cai.”

  He couldn’t reciprocate; he didn’t know what love was.

  Cai buried his head in the pillow and pumped six times before he was done. Jackie cried into his ear, whispering, “That was the best moment of my life.”

  The taste of her in his mouth then felt gross and the sensation of being inside her, repulsive. He didn’t really want this and he knew it was wrong.

  He went to the bathroom to clean up and when he came back, she was still sprawled out naked, waiting for him. He stood by the side of the bed, unsure what to do.

  “Cai, cm’ere.”

  He walked toward her and she sat up, reaching for his cock again. Still semi-hard, it was difficult for him to resist when she began sucking him. That time, he came in her mouth.

  She kept repeating that she loved him even though, after five rounds, he didn’t love her anymore than he had done before. He began to imagine he was incapable and switched off that thought as they finally laid down to go to sleep. All that mattered was he was finally escaping his witch of an aunt.

  WHEN they checked out of the hotel the next morning, he contemplated the credit card in his hand. He’d stolen it from Jennifer’s drawer even though he did have enough to pay in cash, too. At the last minute, after the clerk asked him to sign the bill, he handed over the credit card.

  He and Jackie caught a cab outside the hotel. He wore a grey suit and she a pretty white dress that wasn’t very special, but it was sweet. Just like her. She wore her blonde hair in a mass of curls and did look beautiful. Other members of her family might have been ugly, but she certainly wasn’t.

  As they pulled up to the building, he knew that what they were doing was wrong but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t know what else to do and now he knew she was in love with him, there was no escaping.

  Before they went inside, he admitted, “I don’t love you.”

  She smiled. “You will eventually. It’s just that you grew up so alone, Cai. You just need time to realise you can make someone happy.”

  She just knew all the right things to say and it wasn’t any of her damn fault, none of it was. He felt suddenly, a duty, to make it right and just marry her. What else could he do?

  They got on with the ceremony and with just a few sentences spoken, they were married. They emerged from City Hall to summer sunshine and warm heat, and at the top of the steps, they kissed like they were as any other newlyweds.

  Pulling away from one another, Cai felt no emotion except the distinct impression someone was watching them. He saw his aunt rushing toward them and without chance to stop her, Jennifer shouted, “How could you take advantage, you conniving little bitch?” Her hand met Jackie’s face within seconds and Jackie fell back on the step, blood spurting from her nose and mouth.

  Cai was pulled away by a burly guy Jennifer employed as her bodyguard-cum-driver. He was bundled into the car without a chance of fighting back against the huge fella that had his arms in a lock.

  He watched over his shoulder while Jennifer loomed over Jackie, warning her with wild arm gestures to stay away. Jackie’s parents were seen rushing from a limousine of their own, having no doubt been tipped off about what was going on.

  Out of the car window, Cai watched an altercation take place as Jackie’s mum cradled her stricken and emotional daughter. Jennifer pointed at Jackie’s father, Doug, and warned him about something. Cai watched the man take a step back and no chase was given when Jennifer stormed away.

  Jennifer threw herself beside Cai on the backseat and shouted at the driver, “Go, before I murder someone.”

  From City Hall to Fifth Avenue, Jennifer ranted on and on. Mainly about how they could extract themselves from that ridiculous marriage. She repeatedly asked Cai over and over again, “Did you fuck the little bitch?”

  Cai didn’t know what to say, except to shake his head no, no, no.

  Inside her apartment, Jennifer’s rant continued on and on.

  He couldn’t bear it. This was what she was like, all the time. Telling him what to do, where to go, how to compose himself. He’d had enough and shouted, “Why do you think I got hitched, huh? I don’t even fucking like the girl, you know? I’m just so fucking ready to be rid of you!”

  “Pardon me? Do you really think you can talk to me like that?”<
br />
  “Oh my god. Seriously? Do you really think you can punch someone and get away with that? Jackie’s innocent, you know! It’s not her fault. I should’ve told her I was desperate but I think she already knew.”

  “Jackie gave you that alibi all those years ago, didn’t she? Yes, I know the truth! I just told her mommy and daddy that if she doesn’t stay away from you, I’ll go to the police and tell them she perjured herself. That’s right. Some friends of mine were at a party the day your mother died… a garden party that Jackie and her whole family were also at. She was nowhere in the borough when all those things were going down at Sub Rosa.”

  Cai kicked the floor angrily. “Jennifer, cease with the detective work, will you? It’s been four years and she’s not coming back, don’t you get it! Mom is dead and you just broke an innocent girl’s nose ’cause you can’t control yourself. How you got that job, I don’t fucking know. One day, people might realise just who you really are, you know? Not the philanthropic titan you portray yourself as, that’s for sure!”

  “I shall wait for that day, Kincaid. Nobody can touch me… they can’t get near this.”

  “Don’t call me that name, it’s a bullshit name.”

  He sat on the leather couch, pouring a brandy from the bottle already there on the walnut coffee table. A bottle she nightly abused.

  “It’s your name, Kincaid,” she repeated, “we’re not on the farm now. We’re in Manhattan. Don’t talk as if you don’t know what my life is like. You know how much this job means to me and you rebelling every second you get, it reflects on me. Badly.”