He smiled patiently at me. "I'm a sinner, Rose. My whole career, my whole life's work, is centered on the Lord's kingdom, and I am a terrible sinner just like everyone else. I am not even close to being free of sin, Rose. I could easily think of all the things I should feel guilty about, feelings, tendencies, hang-ups… I could think of those things and count myself out of the Lord's service. I could easily become immobile, unusable because of my own guilt. I guess I'm just trying to reiterate that guilt and conviction are different, and you just need to ask yourself which one you're experiencing."
I smiled and nudged him with my elbow. "I never knew you sinned before, Pa." I was just messing with him because everyone in Memphis knew Dan Lewis as the preacher. "What if it's something that you don't think is a sin or feel convicted about but others may?"
He smiled patiently at me. "Would you like to share with me what it is?" he asked. "I think I could help you."
I shook my head. "No sir. I just meant theoretically."
He shrugged and patted his heart. "Ask God to show you whether it's guilt or conviction," he said. "There's a difference in the two."
I nodded, and took a deep breath, hoping against hope that I hadn't said enough to clue him in on the fact that I was struggling with feelings for Jesse. I felt blood rush to my cheeks as I tried to remember our last few exchanges and wondered if I had said too much.
"I thought you were gonna go out there fishin' with Jesse," Pa said after a few seconds of silence. I had just been wondering if he was onto me about it, so his suggestion made me inwardly suspicious. "Me? Who? Tonight?"
"I just expected y'all both to be out there when I got off the phone."
"I was thinking about going out there," I said, trying to act casual.
Just to prove that I was in no hurry, I sat on the couch with Pa for another ten minutes. We talked about a lot of things that were nowhere near as deep as guilt and conviction. He had a reputation as being a strict person, but I knew him as a grandpa—one who was kind and reasonable.
"I guess I might head out there," I said once I figured a sufficient enough portion of time had passed. I pretended I was doing it reluctantly when, in actuality, I couldn't wait.
I started to get up from the couch, and my granddad asked me if my hair was dry. I combed my fingers through the long, wavy mass of it. It had dried some since I took a shower, but not all the way, so I went into the bathroom and used the blow dryer for a minute just to appease him.
It was one of those tiny, old hairdryers and it smelled funny, but it blew hot air, and I felt better for having taken the opportunity to glance in the mirror before I went out.
I took the blanket with me. I was carrying it in my hand until I stepped outside the door, but it was cool out, so I wrapped it around my shoulders just like in my fantasy. Okay, in my fantasy there would be harp music and a fan blowing my hair when I shrugged into the blanket, and that didn't happen. On the contrary, the whole transition was fairly ungraceful. I dropped the silver flashlight I was holding, and it clanged to the porch floor and rolled to the edge. I had to chase it before picking it up, and I laughed at myself for getting the trip to the dock started with such clumsiness.
I turned on the flashlight and used it to light my path. It took me a minute to get down to the dock, and I smiled at what I saw. I expected Jesse to be sitting up or standing, but he was flat on his back with his hands under his head and legs crossed casually in front of him.
The dock was smaller and shorter than I remembered. It started up on the shore, but it only stuck out over the water about ten or twelve feet, so Jesse took up the whole end of it.
"I thought you'd never come," Jesse said without picking up his head to look at me.
I stepped onto the dock, turning off the flashlight in the process since the light of the moon reflecting on the lake was enough. Jesse scooted a few inches to the side when I came to stand next to him, but remained laying down. I looked out onto the lake, taking in the whole scene. His line was cast and he had secured the rod to a spot on the dock. I could see his line extended out over the lake, and I followed the clear string until I saw the cork resting on top of the water. I glanced down at Jesse with a smile, and he lifted his eyebrows.
"I stared at the water for a while, but the stars…" he trailed off, pointing at the sky.
I glanced up, smiling at the countless clusters of bright stars that filled the night sky. I had planned on just glancing at them and then looking away, but I got stuck staring once I looked up. I gazed at them for a while until focusing again on Jesse who was still sprawled out near my feet. He grinned at me. He had on jeans and a flannel jacket that was open, exposing his T-shirt underneath.
"Why'd you…"
I was about to ask him why he and Tammy broke up. I got the first two words out of my mouth before realizing that was a horrible first thing to say.
"Why'd I what?" he asked.
"Did you catch anything?" I asked, sitting down next to him and pretending that's what I was planning on saying all along.
"A little trout about that big," I glanced at Jesse to see that he was showing the length of about three inches with his fingers.
I smiled. "Are you gonna cook him?"
"Maybe if I was starving," he said.
"Did you let him go free?" I asked. I glanced at him for an answer, and he gave me a nod.
"I'm not really worried about fishing. I'm just laying out here, thinking."
I, in equal parts, both did and did not want to mention Tammy. I was so torn about it that I just sat there for a few seconds not saying anything. I peeled a piece of splintered wood from the deck and threw it into the lake before stretching out next to him. He scooted over to accommodate me and, in the process, made it so that I had plenty of room to lie next to him without making physical contact.
I carefully positioned myself about as close as I could to Jesse without touching him. We were close enough that I could feel the heat of his arm. "Do you remember that one time when we were out here for Easter, and they hid so many eggs that we looked for them all day?" I asked.
"I think they just told us we weren't done looking because they wanted us to stay outside. I think the cabin was too small for all of us."
I laughed at the memory of our families cramming into that cabin when we were little.
"I remember you would tip the boat," Jesse said.
I sat up onto my elbow and turned so that I could stare at him. "I hate that you remember that. That was not on purpose. I did it like three times growing up. I haven't even gotten in a boat since I was like fourteen because I always feel like I'm gonna tip it over."
He regarded me with a curious grin like that was a fact he didn't know. "You can swim, though, can't you?"
"Of course I can," I said, nudging him as I stretched out next to him again. "You've been swimming with me a bunch of times."
"I know, I thought so, but I thought I'd been in boats with you a bunch of times, too. I didn't know you had a thing about them."
"I don't make a big deal about it. I just hadn't been on one in a long time."
"Why'd you come fishing?" he asked.
"Because it sounded like a fun thing to do when Pa asked me. Plus, I really did need to take a break from numbers. Between school and work and now this new thing I've started at your dad's place, I'm looking at numbers for like fifteen hours a day."
"Why are you doing that to yourself?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Because I can, I guess. Physically, I mean. As long as I can work without getting careless or making mistakes, I figure I'll take advantage of the hours in the day."
We sat there for a while, staring at the stars.
"I bet the stars are rearranging themselves into math problems," he said, causing me to laugh.
"Bar charts, actually," I said.
"It's okay," he said. "Sometimes I see bike parts."
"How about right now?" I asked. "What do you see now?"
"Stars," he said. "Whol
e galaxies and universes. It's really amazing, you know? How little we are in the grand scheme of things."
"I know," I said. "There are so many of them."
"Countless."
"Vast," I added. "Awe inspiring."
"Are you gonna go out on the boat with us in the morning?" Jesse asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I might just stay back. I brought a book. I thought about just coming down here on the dock to read."
"You know you're not gonna flip the boat, right?" Jesse asked.
"You sound more confident of that than I am."
"You won't turn us over, Rose. It's just something silly that stuck in your head from when you were a kid, and we take that bigger boat out now, anyway. I mean, stay back and read your book if you want, but just know you won't tip us over. I won't let you—especially not with granddad in the boat. I'll just hold you on my lap and trap your limbs if you start spazzing out."
I covered my face and laughed at the thought of it. "As tempting as that sounds, I might just stay safe on the shore and read my book."
"What about it sounds tempting?" he asked.
"What?" I asked, stalling.
"What about that scenario sounds tempting to you, Rose?" he repeated.
My heart was beating like crazy. "I was being sarcastic," I said. "…about having to be restrained."
"Oh, okay," he said.
He was so confident and serious, and I had no idea how to respond. I just stared at the stars with my heart beating at least double speed. Several long seconds passed.
"Why'd you break up with your girlfriend?" I asked, finally.
Chapter 9
"You mean Tammy?" Jesse asked. "How do you know I broke up with her?"
"Because you told us."
"I just said we broke up. How do you know she didn't break up with me?"
I sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped around my shoulders as I spun around and landed in a cross-legged position with my knees against Jesse's side.
"Because you were too good for her," I said. "It makes no sense that she would be the one to break up with you."
Jesse readjusted so he could more easily see me. "What about you?" he asked.
"What about me?"
"You're too good for that guy."
"Pa doesn’t think so," I said.
I glanced at Jesse, and he smirked at me. "Pa just likes to ask you about your life. And he likes basketball. If anything, he…"
"He what?" I asked.
"Nothing," Jesse said.
I poked his arm. "You can't start to say something, and then say 'nothing'," I said.
He smiled. "I just did."
I squinted at him, and just when I was about to make him tell me what he was about to say, we heard the telltale whizzing, zipping sound of the line as a fish took off with the hook. Jesse sat up and grabbed the rod and reel before I even knew what was going on.
"It's just another little one," he said once he had the chance to fight with it for a few seconds. "Do you want to reel him in?"
I felt comfortable and content wrapped in that blanket, and I really just wanted to sit there and watch Jesse do it, so I shook my head, and he finished the job of catching the fish. It ended up being larger than he originally thought, and as it got closer, he offered it to me again.
We both stood up and got to the edge of the dock as Jesse fought for the catch. It was a nice-looking trout, but Jesse threw it back. Not before he let me pet it, though. I reached out to touch its scaly skin, feeling jumpy like Jesse might threaten to throw it at me. He held it perfectly still so I could touch it.
"Is he gonna be fine?" I asked, staring at the fish.
"Yep," Jesse promised. He gently tossed the fish into the water, stooping to dip his hands in the lake to wash them off.
"He swam away," I said.
Jesse smiled. "That's what they do."
"Unless you eat them," I said.
"We'll probably eat the ones we catch tomorrow," Jesse said. "It makes Pa think he's getting his money worth out of this place when he eats what we catch. Nana usually gets a couple of meals out of it."
"By the time you pay for the cabin and buy gas to come up here, you could have just gone up to the store and picked up about a month's worth of gourmet trout.
Jesse squinted at me and hit his own chest in that funny, male-territorial way. "What are you talkin' bout, girl?" he asked. "We're here to provide for our family."
"No really, I think it's cool that he hangs onto this place. I forgot how much I like it out here. And I'm glad you do this with Pa. I didn't know y'all came out here so often."
Jesse shrugged and absentmindedly put down the rod. "Twice a year just for a night," he said. "Spring and fall. It doesn't seem like a lot, but it rolls around before you know it. I do it with dad, too, and I have a couple of friends who come with me up here. I come up five or six times a year usually."
"Huh, that's crazy. I haven't been in a long time."
"Are you coming with us in the morning?" he asked.
"No. But not because I don't feel welcome."
"Was it because I threatened to restrain you in the boat?" he asked.
"No," I said simply. I stared at him with a completely serious expression that matched his own.
This made him grin a little. "Why then?"
I pointed at the dock below our feet. "Because I like the idea of sitting out here and reading at sunrise. Or maybe I'll sleep in." I shrugged. "Either way, you guys get to have your male bonding, and I get a few hours to do anything but research."
That comment made Jesse ask me something about my job at the bank, which led to other topics like music and food and movies. We went from standing, to sitting, to lying on the dock as we talked and talked and completely lost track of time.
It was midnight when we made our way back to the cabin. Pa was in his room with the door closed and was presumably sleeping. He had pulled out the sofa bed and left blankets and pillows on the couch for Jesse.
"Do you want us to wake you up before we head out?" Jesse asked in whispered tones as we stood in the living room.
I shook my head. "No thanks. I'll set an alarm if I decide to wake up with you guys." I smiled at him and started to walk off toward my bedroom, but he stopped me by reaching out to brush my arm with the back of his hand.
"Rose," he said.
"Yeah?"
He stared at me for several seconds. "Nothing."
I shook my head. "Nothing?" I asked. "You can't do that."
He shrugged. The energy between us was charged with everything we were leaving unsaid.
"What'd you want to tell me?" I asked.
"Just that I had fun," he said as if settling for that. "I'm glad you came with us."
"I'm glad, too," I whispered. I smiled and waved at Jesse as I retreated to my room.
I thought about the conversations I had with Pa and Jesse, replaying different things we said and still not feeling certain how I felt about everything. It took me an hour or so to get settled to the point where I was ready to fall asleep, and even then, it was difficult. The cabin had certain creaks and noises that I wasn't used to, and they made it almost impossible for me to fall asleep.
Finally, I drifted off, only to be abruptly woken up a few short hours later. I was so startled out of my sleep that it took me a second to remember where I was.
I glanced at the clock, which read 3:37, and I blinked, waiting for the noise that had woken me up. I heard commotion, and I got up to see what was going on. I could see as I crossed the living room that Jesse was not on the couch, and the noise was coming from the bedroom where our granddad was staying. I went that way instantly.
I heard a moan before my granddad said, "Ohhhh, push the toes. Push them up, son. Ohhhhh."
I didn't really register that he was talking about toes, and I feared the worst. My heart pounded and I went into panic mode as I tried to figure out what was going on. Jesse was at Pa's bedside and Pa's room was dark enough that
I couldn't really see what was happening.
"It's just a cramp," Jesse said, noticing me coming up behind him. Pa made all sorts of noises. First, he made reluctant groans of agony, but then they shifted into thankful sighs.
"Okay, thank you so much, Jesse. I'm so sorry to do that to you, son. I only get those every now and then, but when I do, I need someone else to reach down there and flex my calf for me." He let out another sigh—one that broke my heart hearing it come from my granddad.
"Y'all scared me to death," I said coming to stand next to them with my hand on my chest.
There was a nightlight near his bed, so once I got closer, I could see them perfectly. Jesse sat on the edge of Pa's bed, and Pa laid his head back onto his pillow with another thankful, deep breath. He was not one for drama, and I had never really seen him show any indication of pain, so I stared at him with a concerned expression.
"You sure you're okay?"
"Oh yeah baby, it's just a cramp in my leg. It just hurt until I could get Jesse in here to help me stretch it out. I'm sorry I had to wake y'all up. I just have to have somebody to tilt my toes back."
"Is it feeling better?" I asked.
Pa nodded. "Yes, thank you."
Jesse stood up, looking at me. "We should probably try to get some sleep," he said.
"We certainly should," Pa said, adjusting his covers.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked.
"Oh, yeah, Rosie, I'm fine. I'm used to that. It happens to me every once in a while. It's no problem." He paused and glanced at Jesse. "Thank you, Jesse. I'm sorry if I scared you by yelling."
"You didn't," Jesse said with a wave in Pa's direction on our way out.
"Night," I said.
"Night," Pa said.
I stared at Jesse with wide eyes once we turned the corner to head back into the living room. "That freaked me out," I whispered.
He smiled. "Me too, at first, but then I realized what was going on."
I sighed. My heart was still racing. "When I walked in there he sounded like he was in pain, and I don't know, well, since he's an old man I thought that he was...."
"Croakin'?" Jesse asked, teasing me when I trailed off.
Jesse's Girl (Bishop Family Book 2) Page 6