Chapter 13
I stared at Jane with a completely discouraged look on my face after I hung up. "I'm sorry you had to hear me say that just now," I said.
"Say what? That you love him, or all of it?"
"All of it," I said. "And that I love him. That was a lie. I don't love him. We don't even act like we're in a relationship. He just treats me like his assistant."
Jane sat down on the seat next to me, looking at me with care and concern. "Then why are you dating him?"
"I don't even know."
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
I felt discouraged and exhausted.
It was difficult being stuck in a relationship. It was difficult to constantly help someone who wasn't at all thankful.
"I was seriously about to break up with him before the accident," I said, letting out a sigh. "I was about to do it, and now if I…" I hesitated. "If I did it now, it would seem like I only wanted him when I thought he was gonna get drafted or whatever."
"That's not true. What makes you say that?" she asked.
"Because he's said it," I said. "He was talking about his friend who was in the accident with him, saying how heartless it would be for his girlfriend to leave him now."
Jane made an expression of distaste. "Are you saying Barrett used another couple as an example to make you feel guilty about leaving him?"
"I guess. I mean, I don't know if he meant it that way. I just know I'm not happy. It's been a really difficult couple of months."
"What do your parents say? Did you tell your mom?"
I nodded. "You know my parents. Of course, they say I should pray about it. But I don't really know how God could answer this prayer other than to compel Barrett to break up with me, and I just don't see that happening." I gave her a little sorrowful grin. "I'm really am sorry for unloading on you," I said. "I know we should get back out there. Shelby's gonna be looking for you."
Jane stood up, pulling me up with her. "Don't be sorry," she said as we began making our way back toward the shop. "I want you to tell me what's going on with you. I knew you had been really busy lately, but I didn't know about everything that was going on with you and Barrett. I didn't know how he was acting."
"It's fine," I said as I shrugged a shoulder. "I mean, ultimately it's my choice to be with him."
"That's exactly what I was thinking when you mentioned praying about it," she said. "Obviously, it's good to pray about everything, but sometimes we have to take action, you know? Sometimes we actually have to do something about the thing we're praying about. You have to be involved."
We stopped at the door that led to the garage, and she looked at me, waiting to hear how I'd respond.
"Would you think I was a terrible person if I broke up with Barrett at a time like this, after an accident, and just when his dreams got shattered?"
"No, Rose, I wouldn't think that. Because I know you, and I know you're not a terrible person. I saw Barrett last night. I saw how he talked to you. I wondered why you were putting up with that."
"He's been through a lot," I said.
"So have a lot of people," she said. "So have I. I married Seth the day before he got deployed, thinking we were doing some big romantic gesture. We were together once, Rose, and he left me with Shelby and went over to Kuwait and got himself killed. I had sex one time, and now I'm a mom and a widow. Things happen to people. Things we don't always understand. It's up to us how we respond to them. That's our choice. Barrett has no right to be rude to you after how much you've helped him out."
She opened the metal door right after she said that, and we walked in, still looking at each other.
"Is everything okay?" Aunt Ivy asked.
I shot her a smile. "Yes ma'am," I said.
"Was it Barrett?" Aunt Ivy asked.
It didn't surprise me that she was so direct about it because we were just that type of family. She had no idea the question would be as awkward as it was because she had no clue about my feelings for Jesse.
Neither did Jane for that matter, which was why the next thing out of her mouth was, "She's about to break up with him, anyway."
Everyone looked at me as if waiting to see if I would confirm Jane's statement. I felt myself blushing.
"I wish I could," I said honestly.
Jane shook her head as she took a bite of burger and then chewed a big mouthful. "I saw firsthand what a little stinker he was being. She needs to just go ahead and cut her losses. She's just got to find the right way to do it."
"Who was being a stinkew?" Shelby asked.
"Aunt Rose's boyfriend," Jane said.
I wasn't very fond of this conversation, but I realized Jane had no idea how awkward it was because she didn't know one of the key details. It was for this reason that I just ate the half of a hamburger Aunt Ivy handed me and didn't protest the fact that Jane was sharing all of this with her parents.
In fact, if my feelings for Jesse hadn't been in the mix, I would've been happy that she was telling them about it. Somehow, the more people that found out about it and didn't think I was heartless, the more confident I felt that breaking up with him was the right thing to do.
Jesse and Uncle Michael stood by the bike, finishing their hamburgers. I knew they were listening to what we were saying, but they tried to act like they weren't really paying attention.
"I feel guilty breaking up with him," I said, looking at Ivy. "If guilt wasn't a factor I would've done it a long time ago."
"She's afraid he won't make it without her, or that people will judge her," Jane said.
"I don't think either of those things are true," Ivy said.
"What are you ladies talking about?" Michael asked, looking suddenly protective as he tuned into the conversation.
"Nothing," Jane said. "If you haven't already heard what we were saying, then don't worry about it. All you would do is get bent out of shape."
"I hope nobody has hurt you," Michael said, regarding me.
"No sir," I said.
"Nope," Jane said, patting my back. "And she knows what she has to do."
I smiled and ate a handful of French fries just to mask my nervousness. Knowing what I had to do was one thing; the difficult part was doing it.
Jesse popped his knuckles, and stretched, bowing his chest like he was suddenly restless. "I'm thinking about going for a ride around the parking lot if anybody wanted to come with me," he announced, looking around as if he was genuinely seeking a passenger. As badly as I wanted to be the one to raise my hand and volunteer, I knew he was fishing for Shelby to do it, so I remained quiet. He glanced at me while he was pretending to look around the room for potential passengers, and we locked eyes for a second or two longer than I expected. I gave him a smile.
"I do, I do, I do!" Shelby yelled from Michael's arms. "I want to go on a wide awound the pawking lot!"
Jesse got onto his motorcycle, stepping over it like an expert, and looking like the hunkiest hunk I had ever seen in my whole life. I stared at him as he kick-started the engine and then smiled and wiggled his eyebrows at his niece as she giggled at the rumbling sound.
She reached for him so fervently that she nearly fell out of Michael's arms. Jesse grabbed Shelby and situated her on the seat in front of him. He held her close as he took off with her, heading out through the garage and into the parking lot. The whole routine looked like something they had done a thousand times.
"How about you?" Michael asked.
I glanced at him to find that he was looking straight at Jane. It was really fun watching Jane light up when she finally got on her new motorcycle. She had grown up in the shop and had learned to ride a long time ago, but it had been a few years, so it took her a few minutes to remember everything and work up the nerve to take off. She finally did, taking a lap around the parking lot the same way Jesse did with Shelby.
We clapped for Jane when she came back into the garage, and she stopped in front of us, waving and blowing kisses from the seat of her new ride
.
"Got it?' Michael asked.
Jane beamed as she nodded.
"Are you ready to take her out and open her up?" Jesse asked.
We all knew what Jesse meant by open her up, and Ivy gave him a warning expression, which made us all laugh.
"We'll take Shelby over to your house," Ivy said to Jane. "I'll have your daddy drive your car so it's there when you get back. Y'all have fun. We'll give her a bath and everything."
Jane smiled and looked directly at her daughter, who was being held by her grandfather again now that she was done with her ride.
"Are you going to be okay going home with Shug and Doozy while I go for a little drive?" she asked.
"Of course she's okay," Ivy said, smiling and shaking her head at Jane for asking such a thing. "Y'all just be careful," she added. "Keep your eyes on the road, and watch for other drivers. They're not always watching for you."
Jane looked at Jesse with her eyebrows raised, and he smiled at her before focusing on me. "Are you coming?" he asked.
I didn't even answer. I just smiled and lifted the bag I was carrying. "Can you pick me up at my car?" I asked.
I hugged Michael, Ivy, and Shelby before jogging out of the garage to my car. I must've been jogging pretty quickly, or I hadn't realized how far the trek was, because I was completely out of breath by the time I made it to my car. Maybe I was just nervous. I really had to work to catch my breath as I stashed the bag into the passenger's seat. Seconds later, I turned to find that Jesse had pulled up right behind me.
"Hey," I said with a breathless smile.
"Hey," he said. He handed me a helmet and I put it on before stepping onto the back of the bike. I had ridden on the back of a motorcycle lots of times, so I wasn't timid about getting onto the seat behind him.
It wasn't until after I had already sat down, however, that I realized this time was different. The other times, I had been riding with my dad, thus I had no physical feelings or sensations whatsoever. There were definitely sensations involved this time. My whole body tingled as a result of touching Jesse.
I got on the seat behind him, putting my arms around his waist and holding onto my own hands rather than to him. I did my best to act like I wasn't going crazy with nerves and anticipation.
Chapter 14
Jesse led the way, but Jane rode right behind us and to the right where I could easily see her from over my shoulder. I tried to concentrate on her rather than the fact that my arms are wrapped around a torso of solid muscle. Try as I might to ignore it, I could feel Jesse's body through the layers of clothing, and it did nothing but make me more smitten.
The thing was, I couldn't let go. As long as I was on the back of the motorcycle, I was stuck touching him, and touching him felt way too good.
For months, I had seen the worst of Barrett, and it felt so good to feel good.
I felt free.
Being on a motorcycle helped.
I closed my eyes, and could see myself like a bird, flying through the air as the wind just rolled and whipped over me. I was lost in the moment when Jesse slowed. I opened my eyes to see that Jane had gone out front and was leading us to a gas station. Jesse pulled up beside her, parking the bike and killing the engine.
Jane smiled at us as she took off her helmet. "I should have used the restroom before we left," she said. "Can you watch it?" she asked gesturing with a flick of her chin toward the bike.
Jesse gave her a little wave, agreeing to guard it, and she smiled at him before looking at me. "Do you need to come in?"
"I don't need to use the restroom or anything, but I'll come in with you if you want."
She shook her head and stuck a hand out. "I'll be right back," she said. "Just watch my new baby."
As much as I wanted to sit there right next to Jesse on the seat, I knew I needed to create a little distance. I stood up, positioning myself next to him while he stayed sitting on the bike. He had already taken off his helmet, so I did the same, holding it with both hands in front of me.
"How have you been?" I asked since it was our first time alone in two months.
His mouth raised in a slow grin. "Fine."
"I heard you were building a house."
"Not yet," he said. "I plan to eventually, but right now I'm just buying the property."
"I heard you got yourself enough land for a little farm."
He smiled. "I don't know about that. It's three acres. It's not too far from Mom and Dad's place. I'll probably stay in the apartment and take my time building. I think I can do a lot of it myself. Dad and some of the guys at the shop will help, too."
I glanced into the store and saw that Jane had stopped to buy something. I looked at Jesse, feeling desperate to know more about him. "Are you dating anyone?" I asked. I was so nervous and awkward with my delivery of the question that he gave me an amused smile, which made me push at his shoulder.
"No, I'm not dating anyone," he said, still smiling. "You, Rose, are the one who's dating someone. I heard you were pretty serious."
"You heard me tell everyone I wish I knew how break up with him."
"I'll tell you how you break up with him," he said. "You call him, and you say, 'I want to break up'. That's how you do it." He gestured to the pay phone that was attached to the far side of the building. "There's a phone right there. All you have to do is call and say those words."
"I'm so glad you think it's that easy." I said.
Jesse wore a thoughtful expression as he looked at me, and before I knew it, he reached out, letting his fingertips brush the edge of my face. I wanted to fall into his arms, but just as quickly as he touched me, he took his fingers away. I touched my own cheek in the place where his fingers had been, feeling amazed by how much I missed his touch after only feeling it for a second.
"It is that easy," he said.
I glanced at the payphone, feeling crazy that I was even thinking about doing something so insane as to call Barrett and break up with him from a payphone. As I glanced in the direction of the phone, I saw Jane coming out of the convenience store. I looked at Jesse with a serious expression that said I was sorry we couldn’t continue our conversation, and he just shrugged at me like he didn't see why I was upset.
"Jesse," I said.
"Rose."
"Are you serious?"
He smiled. "Yes. But if you can't do it… if you wanna stay with that guy… I'll just have to accept the rejection."
My heart fell. It felt like a piece of my chest had fallen and landed at the bottom of my gut. Jesse, the man I wanted so badly, was staring at me and saying words I had wanted to hear him say. I felt nauseous and woozy that he was bold enough to ask me to do such a thing, and terrified that I was actually thinking about it. My mind was still swimming when Jane walked up to us wearing a huge grin.
"Thank you for stopping," she said, holding out a bag of Peanut M&M's to offer them to us.
Jesse and I both politely refused without saying anything, and Jane put a handful of them in her mouth before folding up the bag and stashing them in her pocket.
"I'm ready when you are," she said.
My heart pounded. I had the distinct feeling that Jesse wanted to be with me. Somewhere deep in my heart I knew I needed to put away my doubts and fears and make that final push to do something I had been dreading for so long.
"I think I need to use the restroom," I said. "I'm sorry. I didn't think I needed to, but now that I'm standing here…" I made a regretful expression as I trailed off, handing Jesse my helmet.
I went into the store feeling like my head was swimming. For whatever reason, I thought that if I didn't break up with Barrett right then I would lose my chance with Jesse. I don't know why but something about our conversation made me feel like he had been specifically waiting for me for the last two months while I was busy being a girlfriend to someone else. I couldn't do that anymore. My heart broke just thinking about it. I was dizzy with emotion as I walked into the gas station.
"Hello!
" the worker called when I came in.
"Hello," I said. It was a young guy working at the counter, and I gave him a sweet smile.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"James."
I smiled. "Hi, James, I was wondering if I could possibly use your telephone."
"There's one outside," he said.
"That's the thing," I said, nodding. "It was really nasty. I think there was gum on it. It would just be a really quick call."
James motioned for me to follow him. We went around the counter and down the short hallway to an office with a small desk. He pointed at the phone.
"You can't call long distance; it's blocked. You can call collect, though, if you press zero. All you have to do is press the button for line one and dial out."
"Thank you," I said. "I won't be long, and it's a local call."
He nodded at me, looking frustrated at the condition of the payphone. I didn't feel bad about what I said. I had glanced at it before I came inside and it was gross—the whole gas station was run-down, and I looked at the messy pile of papers on the desk, absentmindedly wondering how on earth they ever kept up with their bills in these conditions.
My thoughts jumped from one thing to another as I picked up the phone and dialed Barrett's number.
I was nauseated and terrified. I pressed the buttons stiffly, having to hang up once and start over when I thought I might have dialed the wrong number. I pushed each number carefully, numbly thinking about what I would say once he picked up.
My heart began racing when I heard the sound of the phone rustling as he picked it up.
"Hello," he said.
"Barrett, it's Rose."
"What are you doing?" he asked. "Are you coming over here?"
"I'm calling because we need to talk."
"I thought you were coming over here," he said distractedly.
"I'm not," I said. "I can't. I can't come over anymore."
He laughed. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means we have to break up. I'm breaking up. I think we should break up."
Jesse's Girl (Bishop Family Book 2) Page 9