by Joely
“On the other hand, we’d just passed a smaller herd and found a yearling heifer with a stillborn calf. If we could get her to adopt the orphan, it’d be the best world for both of them.”
“Seems reasonable,” Mal said. “What happened?”
“He left me to guard the new baby and rode off to go rope and haul up that mama. He figured he’d be an hour finding her and dragging her back up to us. It ended up taking him three, because the cows had moved off further than he’d planned.”
“So it was dark.”
Colby nodded. “Very dark. Moonless night, I remember that. I had my horse for company but nothing else. Dad always had a shotgun in case we ran into any trouble, but he didn’t think to leave it with me. I probably wouldn’t have used it anyway.”
“You didn’t know how to shoot it?”
“Oh, I did. If we weren’t riding and working, we were learning how to shoot and fish and hunt.” Her brow wrinkled as she tried to figure out what had gone so terribly wrong with his story. “I fell asleep.” His fingers ached, and he made himself let go of the coffee cup before he busted it. “We’d been up since four and worked all day. I sat down for fifteen minutes and I was out like a light. I didn’t wake up until I heard hoof beats as Dad rode back to me, but it was too late.”
Mal squeezed his thigh gently. “What happened?”
“A coyote, maybe more than one. It’d dragged that baby off and tore her apart not even twenty feet away and I’d slept through it all. Maybe she didn’t put up much of a fight being a newborn calf, but I still to this day can’t believe I didn’t hear a thing. Not a bleat, a yip, a fight as they cleaned up the scraps. Nothing.” All these years later, he still felt a shudder ripple across his shoulders. The sinking pit of shame in his belly. The horror. “Dad didn’t say much. He didn’t have to. The look on his face was enough.”
“How old were you?”
“Six. Didn’t matter, though. I knew my job and I didn’t do it.”
“What could a child have done against a pack of coyotes? You’re lucky you weren’t hurt. You didn’t even have a gun.”
“Coyotes don’t mess with people much. I’d have to be injured and sick myself before even a pack of them would be tempted to come after me. If I’d stayed awake, I could have chased them off with a few rocks. I could have seen what was going on and brought my horse back up so shield us. She’d wondered off to graze and I hadn’t noticed that, either. I’m lucky she didn’t take off for the hills, because then I’d have had to ride all the way home behind Dad on top of everything else.”
Mal leaned closer, sharing the heat of her body against him. He closed his eyes, breathing in her scent, her presence. She didn’t have to say anything to make him feel better.
“It wasn’t ever the same after that,” he whispered. “Dad never could forget that I’d disappointed him, and I never could forget that I’d fallen asleep on the job. I’ve carried that with me all these years, but especially into my tours in Afghanistan. Even when it wasn’t my turn to stand watch, I often stayed awake, unable to sleep, terrified to sleep. Someone might die on my watch if I did. Someone did die. Henderson. Not on my watch, but right beside me. A land mine. Knocked my entire squad flat, but only he died. Somehow I always thought it should have been me, not him. Maybe I’d unconsciously pushed him off track, pushed him into harm’s way, made him walk into the mine that had my name on it, not his.”
“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping or eating much since you got home?”
“Maybe. Partly.”
She kissed his shoulder, a simple brush of her lips that made his knees quiver enough that he was thankful he was sitting down. “You know that if you’re home sleeping in your bed that it’s not your fault if Elias gets shot.”
“It is if I’m supposed to be there for my partner and I’m not.”
“You’re human, Colby, not a super hero with infinite powers. You have to sleep. You have to eat. You have to take care of yourself. Or you’re no good to anyone, least of all on such a dangerous job.”
“My head knows that, but…” He shook his head, as if he could get rid of the thoughts by rattling them loose. “I’d never forgive myself if something happened to Elias on my watch.”
“Then you shouldn’t be a cop.”
He jerked with surprise and would have leaped to his feet without the warm press of her body against his.
“Hear me out. If you can’t accept the risk that either you or your partner might be injured or, God forbid, killed in the line of duty, through no fault of your own, then you shouldn’t be a cop. You shouldn’t have that risk hanging over your head day in and day out. It’ll kill you in the end.”
“Better me than him.”
Her voice sharpened. “So you have a death wish, now?”
“No. But he’s my partner. He’s got a girlfriend. A life.”
“And what do you have?”
“Nothing!” The rage in his voice shook him. Wide eyed, he stared at her, shocked by the depth of his emotion and despair. His jealousy. All without even noticing it.
“You’ve been punishing yourself all this time. Not eating. Not sleeping. Not fucking. Holding yourself to impossible standards, making yourself responsible for everything and everyone, with no hope of upholding those steep expectations forever. You can’t do it any longer.”
He couldn’t help but recognize the truth in her words because it resonated inside him like a church bell, yet something inside him resisted. Some part of his ego insisted that he could do it all. He could stand guard for Elias, for her, for everyone. He wouldn’t fail this time.
“You won’t do it any longer.” Mal didn’t move exactly, but her manner changed. Her eyes hardened. Her body wasn’t soft and melted against him and her shoulders squared. She looked him in the eye and it was like she held him captive, entranced, unable to move. “I won’t allow it. If you want to be with me, you will let this monstrous sense of responsibility go.”
He couldn’t look away. Couldn’t back down. Nobody had ever challenged him like this, let alone a woman. She didn’t raise her voice or threaten him in any way, but he felt the surety rolling off her in waves. She’d regret never seeing him again, but she’d walk away in a heartbeat if he didn’t let this go. What was so stupid was he wanted to let it go. He didn’t want to be tied up in knots all the time.
Tied up. He couldn’t help but huff out a laugh, breaking the tension of the moment.
Mal’s determination didn’t soften, but she did allow a ghost of a smile to grace her lips a moment. “What?”
“You sure do tie me up in knots, Mal.”
She laughed too, letting her eyes warm with a sensual promise that he hadn’t seen nothing yet. “Now that’s a promise I’d love to follow through with, sugar.”
His phone rang in the other room and he didn’t try to stifle the groan. “That’ll be Elias, telling me he’s headed in to start the paperwork.”
She leaned back out of his space, and the air seemed to cool around him that he actually felt a chill on his bare skin. He hadn’t realized how much heat and fire she put out. She’d heated him without a single touch. “Duty calls.”
Nodding, he stood, but hesitated awkwardly. He couldn’t forget her ultimatum. Standing here in his skivies, eating breakfast with her, in her house… it made him want to stay and damn the rest of the world. He wouldn’t care as long as he had her waiting for him. Though with Mal, he didn’t think she’d be the one waiting. No, it’d be him. Sweating, shaking, trying to hold on until the next command came. Why did that sound so good?
Turning toward him slightly, she stretched out her legs, letting the robe fall apart enough to reveal the faded t-shirt she wore and a hint of scarlet silk between her thighs. She saw him looking and arched a brow at him. “What, shocked by my ultra sexy babydoll?”
His tongue felt too thick in his mouth to make words, but he tried anyway. “Looks good. Damned good. But…”
“You’re wondering abou
t our conversation just now and whether or not you’ll be welcomed back.”
He dragged his gaze up to her face, determined to face her decision on his feet like a man. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Thank you.”
That wasn’t what he expected to hear. “For what?”
“I can have sex any night I want. All I have to do is go down to the club and see who wants to play. You let me in. You gave me your secrets. Your pain. Your truths that maybe even you didn’t know for yourself. I can’t get that from just anyone. Would it surprise you if I said our little talk just now made me want you even more than when I had you in my bed?”
His dick liked those words. “Why?”
“It takes a very confident man to make himself vulnerable. To give up his weaknesses to a woman. It’s encoded in your brains from childhood by society to be tough, not act like a girl, not show your feelings. Which is bull shit. What we had two nights ago was great. I’d do it again if you asked me very nicely and promised to let me try a little rope for round two. See how many knots I really can tie on you. But if that’s all you can offer me, the fun times are just that. Fun. And over before you know it.”
His tongue stumbled over the words, but he had to say it. “I don’t want this to be over. Not anytime soon.”
She reached out and took his hand, pressing her lips against his palm in a kiss. “Neither do I, sugar. So you think about what I said earlier. Come back for some fun times. But if you want to take it to the next level, you know what I’m going to expect. Fair warning.”
All or nothing. No secrets. And she wasn’t going to play around or step around his issues. He liked that. Even if it sucked too. “When can I see you again?”
She pressed her teeth gently into the thicker pad at the base of his thumb. A promise. “How long are you going to be stuck at the office today?”
“A few hours.” As long as another gang war didn’t erupt. Then she wouldn’t see hide nor hair of him for days at a time.
“Then come back tonight, detective.” Releasing his hand, she laughed softly and picked up her coffee cup, giving him a sultry look over the top of the mug. “If you’re brave enough.”
Chapter Eleven
“Have you ever had a woman you’re dating lay down an ultimatum?” Elias asked.
Suspicious, Colby looked up over the top of his computer screen at his partner. How the fuck would he know about Mal’s ultimatum earlier? But Elias didn’t even look at him, instead pretending intent interest in the file folder spread out in front of him. The main room of the precinct was mostly empty, though two cops were in the break room shooting the breeze while waiting on the coffee pot to quit bubbling.
“I mean, I get it,” Elias continued, still not looking at him. “I get where she’s coming from. What she’s asking isn’t unreasonable. But for some reason my lizard brain just can’t deal with it, and that pisses me off.”
Yeah, Colby got that exactly. When Mal had told him he shouldn’t be a cop if he couldn’t accept the dangers and risks to both him and his partner, he’d understood her point, and even agreed. But that didn’t mean he liked it, and his knee-jerk reaction was to do the opposite just because someone, a woman, specifically, had told him the truth of it. “I thought you were more Neanderthal than lizard brain.”
Elias blew out a snort. “’Me man. You woman. You no tell me what to do.’ Then Vic clubs me over the head and drags me into the cave.”
“Sounds about right.” They laughed a few moments, and then Colby asked. “So what’s she wanting you to do?”
“Oh, it’s the kid, Jesse.”
Colby had met Jesse a few times, but he didn’t entirely understand the living arrangements Elias and Vicki had worked out when she took a homeless man into her home. In fact, Elias had been meaner than usual for months before and hadn’t even been seeing her. Then all the sudden, it was the three of them back in the picture, and then shortly after, engagement. “That can’t be… easy.”
“Not easy, no,” Elias replied quietly. “But she loves him, and I love her, and while she loves me too, sometimes I just want to beat the shit out of him and kick him out of her house for good.”
“And other times…?”
Elias didn’t answer right away. Colby glanced back up at him and paused, shocked. In over a year of working with him, Colby had never seen his partner rattled. Let alone…
He was pretty sure the red splotches on Elias’s cheek bones were embarrassment.
“I don’t even know.” Elias muttered, followed by a foul string of curse words and a slammed drawer. “It’s her fault anyway. She put me in this position. She made this… possible. And damn it all to hell, I can’t seem to care, which pisses me off even more.”
Colby couldn’t help but imagine about a thousand scenarios, each more outlandish for the harsh, pit bull cop he knew. It wasn’t his business, but he couldn’t help but wonder how they managed the lovemaking. Did Elias watch her with Jesse, and vice versa? Or did she take them both at the same time? And how the hell did that work? Elias wasn’t a touchy-feely guy. Not by a long shot. Colby couldn’t even remember the last time the man had hugged him, even a friendly pounding or slap on the back. So how would he take touching another man in his woman’s bed? Did he touch Jesse?
Did he want to touch Jesse?
Now Colby found himself blushing too and unable to meet his partner’s gaze. Tough, brass-for-balls cops weren’t supposed to think about touching other men. At least in Texas. No wonder Elias was having an identity crisis. If two men loved the same woman, wouldn’t that be a natural progression? Now that he’d thought about it, it wouldn’t surprise him at all. Though maybe it was surprising Elias. Something he’d never counted on.
Elias wasn’t looking for advice, not really. He’d do what he was going to do one way or the other. He wouldn’t even care if people started gossiping, just like he’d blown off the bondage jokes after he’d filmed that commercial. It was his own response to the situation, his anger, that was frustrating him.
So maybe hearing a different side of a similar situation would help. “Mal gave me an ultimatum this morning.”
“Yeah? About what?”
“Getting my shit together, if I want to keep seeing her. After she dragged out an emotional story from my childhood that I haven’t told anybody else.”
Elias grunted. “She’s digging her claws into you good.”
And her teeth. The thought made Colby’s dick stir. “No shit. I felt like I’d taken a fall off my horse straight into a patch of barrel cacti when she was done with me, and she never laid a finger on me. But she made sense. I mean, I want to get my shit together, obviously. But I’m still fighting myself to shut up the automatic hell no.”
“So we’re both chauvinistic pigs.”
“And we both picked strong women who aren’t afraid to tell us so.”
“Sometimes on a daily basis,” Elias grumbled, though he nodded. “Guess I need to hear it that often. I just wish I knew what the hell I was doing.”
“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either,” Colby admitted. “I just… like her. I can’t stop thinking about her. I know there are things that she’s going to expect from me, and I don’t know that I’ll be able to do it. That I’ll even want to consider it. But… I can’t make myself care.”
“You’ll know. When it comes down to it, you’ll know what to do.”
“Will I?” Colby asked as he met his partner’s gaze. “Will you?”
Admiration flickered in Elias’s gaze, followed quickly by gratitude. He saw what Colby had done, though it wasn’t in his nature to bring it out and examine it with words. “You’re a stupid motherfucker.”
“So are you.”
Elias grinned. “Let’s get this shit done so we can get back to being told what to do at home.”
Chapter Twelve
The doorbell rang. Relieved, but also irritated at feeling so relieved, Mal shoved the box of Patrick’s goodies away and went to t
he open the door. “I gave you the code for a reason.”
Colby flashed a grin and lifted both hands full of takeout. “Hungry?”
“You’re forgiven. I hope you got Kung Pao Chicken. I love some spicy Chinese food. Here, we’ll just eat in the living room. What do you want to drink?”
“I’ll start with just water, and then whatever you’re having. I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I got a variety. I haven’t eaten at this place yet, but Elias swore they have the best Chinese in town.”
She hit the fridge door for two glasses of water and then the silverware drawer for forks and several large spoons. She set the glasses down on the coffee table, watching as he sorted through the red and gold containers. “I don’t like plastic silverware and I don’t eat with chopsticks.”
He laughed. “The only thing in my cupboard is plastic crap. I refused to spend good money on kitchen stuff when I’m never home.”
“I’ve noticed.” She put a little reprimand into her tone. “You can’t keep up this pace for long.”
Sitting down with his Orange Beef, he sighed. “I know. But putting in all these hours the past year has really helped my career. Elias is feeling the pressure, too, though. Vicki isn’t going to want him working so much either. I think he indulged my frantic work habits just to keep himself busy while they were split up.”