“I guess I’ll go then,” she mumbled as she turned and left me there, stewing over my past.
“See ya,” I nodded my head without looking at her.
“You know,” she paused, without looking back. “I want to help you. I want to ease whatever burden you’re hiding deep down in that heart of yours, but I can’t if you won’t let me in. I’m not going anywhere, Jase. I’m gonna be here, today, tomorrow, and all the other days. Call me when you remember that.” Her hand lifted and she swished it through the air before shuffling over to her shoes, sitting by the door. She slipped on her boots, grabbed her coat, and left while I stood there, doing nothing.
“Sonofa!” I growled and slammed my fist down on the counter. Why does she have to be so persistent? Why can’t she be like the others and only want one thing? Why does she keep coming back the more I push? Tiff reminded me of my mom. Tiff wasn’t going to let me sink no matter how much I pushed her away.
Ooooooooo
It didn’t take long to get to my destination. I knew the route by heart. I’ve been here often, especially on this day. This day, every year, has been reserved for my pity party. I parked my bike under a tree off to the side and slipped off my helmet. The lilies I’d bought at the florist down the street from my apartment were clutched firmly in my grasp. My feet felt as if they weighed ten tons as I made the short walk over. The sun glittered on the stones, creating a sparkling effect that contradicted the way I felt now. When I reached them, I fell to my knees, buried my face in my hands, and wept. I wept for all the birthdays they’d missed, the graduations, seeing me get promoted into the UC unit, and for everything they’d miss in the future—like becoming grandparents.
When I was able to get ahold of my emotions, I placed the lilies on the ground in front of the stone. The Chicago Police Department emblem was carved in the top of the granite along with Stevenson in bold lettering. Sandra Grace and Michael William right below it. The date of that fateful day graced the bottom, and as I stared at it, all the anger I’d been pushing away for the last few days came boiling to the surface.
I hated what I’d done. This was my fault, and I’d never be able to tell them I was sorry. My father died believing that I was the perfect son when I was far from it. I’d brought this on. I’d destroyed our family. I’d decided to stand up; only it was too late. I’ll never forgive myself for it. I’ll never have a future, not when the past is still drowning me.
I sat there with my back against the stone as I picked at the grass. I don’t know how long I sat there, but the sun was high when I decided to leave. I’d planned to take the day off. I really didn’t want to go to the station, but Sam had been asking for a while when Dev, my partner, was going to be back from his current assignment. I felt bad. I’d been snapping at her, and she didn’t know why. She didn’t know my past, no one did except my uncle and lowlife brother. Even Dev only knew parts of it, those parts I’d shared one drunken night over a bottle of Jack. I hadn’t talked to Jax in years. After our parents died, I pushed anyone who tried to get close away. If it hadn’t been for my uncle Henry I probably would have grown up in foster care.
Henry and my dad were both cops. Henry worked for the NYPD though. When he heard what happened, he took me in and got me away from this city. I still don’t know why I came back, maybe to be closer to them. To find their killers. To make sure Simon didn’t destroy anyone else’s life like he had mine. I bent my knees and placed my arms across the top, my head dropping down to stare at the spot between them. I wasn’t paying much attention, or I would have heard the footsteps coming closer to me. I was usually in tune with my surroundings, but this day always threw me off.
“You ok?” His voice was soft as he attempted to comfort me.
My head snapped up and I stared at him. Other than the beard he now wore, he just looked worn out. “You’re back,” I gasped.
“That I am,” he nodded as a half-smile pulled at his lips.
“And you came here first?” I pushed myself up as guilt swamped me. He shouldn’t be here. He should be at home with his wife and daughter.
“I rode all night to get here,” he sighed. “I knew what today was. I knew you’d be here. You’re not just my partner man, you’re like a brother to me,” he stood beside me and clapped me on the shoulder.
“Your wife is gonna kill you. She’s been calling me daily asking about you,” I shook my head as I shifted on my feet. We started walking over to where he’d parked his bike, right beside mine.
“Don’t tell her I was here first,” Dev chuckled, scratching at his jaw.
“Homeless is a good look on you,” I shoved at his shoulder.
“Shut up,” he grumbled. “I came straight here after I was debriefed. I haven’t had time for a cut or shave.” He leaned against the tree as he appraised me, “So how are you doing?”
“As well as can be expected, I guess.” I shrugged as I looked out over the cemetery.
“Have you told her about any of this?” His face went from joking to serious.
“Who?”
“Your girlfriend,” Dev huffed.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I muttered as I shook my head.
“I’ll take that as a no.” Dev tipped his head back and stared up at the branches above us. “Dude,” he glanced at me before continuing. “You like each other, you fuck like jack rabbits, you’re not seeing anyone else...right?” He narrowed his eyes on me. “What do you call that?”
“I can’t give her what she needs.” I turned away from him. “You don’t get it,” I shook my head. “You found your perfect girl.”
“Have you been smoking something for the last 3 months? Sam and I have not had an easy ride. We’ve fought for everything we wanted. Hell, when I finally found her again, she was yanked right out from under me.” He flung his arms out to the side.
“And yet you came here instead of going home today.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“I came here because you,” he pointed at me, “need me. You’re out here sitting at your parent’s grave all alone on the anniversary of their death, nursing what looks like a hangover from hell. You’re my best friend; of course, I’m gonna check on you. Sam will understand.”
“I’m fine.” I reached for my helmet. “Wanna hang at the bar tonight? I need to escape from my head for the day.”
“If you’re sure that’s what you want,” he murmured, shaking his head at me.
“It is,” I nodded as I slipped the helmet in place.
“All right, I’ll see you there.” He began putting his helmet in place as I swung my leg over my bike, turning the key causing it to roar to life.
Ooooooooo
After leaving Dev at the cemetery, I took the route that was forever ingrained in my brain. A couple of lefts, a few rights, and I was parked across the street from my old house. It hadn’t changed much over the years. The color was the same, only the red door had been painted black. A Dodge van was parked in the driveway, and a child’s bike was leaning against the porch railing. The house numbers still hung slightly crooked; Jax and I had sworn to my mother that we could put them up for her. My chest tightened as I thought back to that day.
We were barely tall enough to reach the spot she wanted them hung in, but my father had been working late, so we decided to do it ourselves. My mother had been so proud of us. When my father saw that they were crooked, he’d told her he would fix them, but she’d begged him not to. She bragged about how hard we’d tried and said she liked them a little crooked. I guess the new owners didn’t think to change it either.
I parked my bike across the street and made my way closer to the house. It was like a beacon calling to me. The pain in my chest got tighter the closer I moved, but I just couldn’t stop myself. It was drawing me in just like it had that fateful day. It didn’t appear that the owners were home, but I tugged my badge from where it hung around my neck and allowed it to sway unhindered against my chest. Knowing I was cop would keep the neighbors from repo
rting a stranger creeping around the neighborhood.
The gate to the backyard came open easily as I stepped onto the manicured grass. The playset that my dad had spent countless hours putting together was still there. My mom’s tulips were in full bloom along the back deck, and a small baby swing hung from a low tree branch right near the spot that used to house a sandbox.
“Can I help you?” a woman called from behind me, causing me to pause. I glanced over my shoulder and tried to offer a smile to her.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” I lifted my badge so as not to alarm her before slowly turning around. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I used to live here. I haven’t been back since I was a kid.”
She smiled at me as she wiped her hands on her pants, “We’ve only been here about a year. You’re welcome to take a look around. Would you like to come inside,” she waved behind herself as she stared at me.
My feet faltered as I thought about the last time I’d been in there. The scene I’d walked in on was forever burned into my mind. I’d never get that image out of my brain for as long as I lived. “Thank you, but I really have to get to work. Duty calls,” I shrugged as I moved toward the gate.
“Well, if you’re ever back this way again, stop by. I’m sure my husband would love to meet you, and I know my son would. He wants to be a policeman too despite the fact that my husband is determined to turn him into a fireman.”
I chuckled as she rolled her eyes. “Thank you, ma’am.”
“Have a good day.” She waved as I picked up my pace, desperate to get away from the memories. The blanket of grief was smothering me and I needed to escape and fast. I needed a quiet dark corner in The Rusty Nail to hide and drown the memories. I needed this day to be over, and unfortunately, it was just starting.
Chapter 2
Tiffany
After leaving Jase’s place this morning, I went straight home, grabbed a quick shower, and then headed into work. It was going to be a busy night. There was a basketball game on, and ever since Sam had installed the big screen in the back room, we’d been getting quite a crowd on game night. The plus was definitely the tips and the fact that the place cleared out at a reasonable hour, the negative... handsy men that thought they could touch you however they wanted. I’d gotten pretty good at avoiding most of them, but I was tired today and knew that my tongue wouldn’t be as sharp as it usually is.
“It’s about time you showed up,” Sam laughed as she shook her head at me. She was standing behind the bar with a clipboard, working on inventory.
“I had a rough morning,” I groaned.
“Did you stay at his place last night?” She set the clipboard down and stared at me. She knew what my routine was like. I’d told her months ago when all this started that Jase didn’t want more than sex. I’d been trying with everything I had to get him to open up, but he was sealed tighter than Fort Knox.
“Yes, but it’s not what you think. I slept on the couch.” I dropped my chin as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t think he remembers anything about last night. He looked shocked when he woke up and found me there this morning.” I rounded the bar and grabbed an apron to tie around my waist before stuffing a corkscrew in my pocket. “I’m still wondering if he remembers arguing with Mason last night about his bike.”
“Well, at least you got him home ok,” she sighed wistfully as she stared out the front windows. “I’m still waiting for that.”
“He said it could take up to six months,” I reminded her as I watched the sad expression fade as she gathered the papers she had sitting in front of her.
“Yeah, I know,” Sam swallowed before turning to walk toward the back office. “I’ve got to update the order in the computer and then I’ll help you finish opening. How about you start taking chairs down,” she motioned to the room that would soon be filled with crazy basketball fans.
“Sure,” I laughed as I watched her disappear in the back. I spent the next hour taking chairs down, setting up tables, and getting garnishes ready for the bar. It was the normal routine for the opening bartender, and since Chris’s band had taken off, I ran solo more than I probably should. Lena, a newbie that was still in training, was supposed to be working alongside me tonight, but she wasn’t scheduled to come in for another hour.
When I turned around to grab something off the counter behind me, the chime over the front door sounded. I sighed as I realized someone forgot to lock it back after entering and a customer was here thinking we were open. My shoulders dropped slightly as I turned to tell the patron that they were going to have to come back in thirty minutes when we opened for the night.
As I turned back toward the door, I sucked in a surprised breath. There, standing in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, was none other than the man of the hour. Devlin looked exhausted as he pulled his aviators from his eyes. My mouth dropped open as he smiled at me. His eyes had dark places under them from pure exhaustion. His jaw was covered in a thick beard, and his hair was hanging over his ears. He looked like he hadn’t seen a razor in a month. “She’s in the office,” I whispered as I pointed to the back corner trying to hold in a giggle.
Just as he started to move in that direction, I heard Sam yell from the back, “Can you tell whoever keeps leaving the front door unlocked that I will fire them the next time they do it? I’m tired of turning people away.”
“I hope that doesn’t mean me,” his voice was deep and raspy as he paused in the doorway. I could only see his back now, but when I heard Sam’s squeal, I knew I should find something to do. This was a private moment for them, and she hadn’t seen him in three months. I disappeared around the corner to continue my opening chores just as I saw her arms wrap around his neck before he stepped into her office and the door slammed behind them. “At least someone’s getting some,” I muttered to myself as I finished setting up the last table.
ooooooooo
I lost track of time working in the bar alone while Sam and Dev had their little reunion. He left about an hour later to go home, shower, and shave, promising to come back. It was hard watching them, but I was happy for her. Sam had been through more than most people can imagine, and she was still fighting for that happily ever after. Dev had promised her that this was it. He was getting out, and I hoped for their sake, it was true.
Jase, on the other hand, was still a mystery to me. I pushed and pulled with everything I had, only to have him close up even more. It was confusing as hell to be with him. I mean, when we were together, it was some of the most intense sex I’ve ever had. He would reach parts of me that I didn’t think existed, and turn me into this wanton woman who would pretty much do whatever he wanted.
The hard moments happened after the fact. We’d finish and be laying there in each other’s arms all sweaty, and then it was like a switch flipped. He’d roll to the side, tug his pants on, and leave. No kiss goodbye, no see ya later, nothing. He’s never told me that he loved me, never promised me a future, but that look he gets when he sinks into me, tells me he feels more than he’s letting on. I see it in his eyes, the want, the need, the desire to have more. He’s not the guy to fuck ‘em and chuck ‘em. He’s the guy who wants forever, he’s just been denying it for so long, I don’t think he knows how to let himself have it.
Something that he said yesterday has been rattling around in my brain and I try to make sense of it. When I helped him to his feet, and he stumbled along beside me heading to my car, he pressed his lips to my forehead and mumbled, “We don’t get tomorrow.” I still don’t know what that means. What’s happening today that he didn’t want me to know? Is he getting sent out on assignment? He told me when Dev left that he was getting out too. They were going to stay here since Dev was a family man now, and Jase has been his partner for the last six years. I could feel my head beginning to spin as I played out all the scenarios that have been stewing in there since I woke up and was dismissed from his apartment this morning.
“You ok?” Sam’s voice was quiet as she place
d her hand on my shoulder. “You seem lost.”
“I’m fine,” I mumbled as I turned to take my spot behind the bar. Mason had opened the doors by now, and Sam had flipped the rest of the lights on, turning on the music that would fill the place until game time. We’d only been open for a half hour, but I could already tell it was going be a long night.
“Oh boy,” I heard her groan from somewhere near the door. I was leaning into the beer cooler, making sure everything was pulled to the front when I felt his presence. It was odd. I have never felt a connection with anyone like I do with Jase; there was no mistaking when he was nearby.
“Can I get a beer?” His voice sounded tired, beat down almost. I turned just in time to see him fold himself onto a stool near the end. His leather jacket was still on, badge hanging around his neck, his hands in fists on the bar in front of him.
“You can’t drink on the job,” I teased as I pointed at his chest.
He scowled before looking down and then shook his head. He yanked the chain that held his badge over his head and stuffed it in his pocket. “I’m not working,” he growled as he shoved his hands roughly through his hair, causing is to stand up slightly.
“Sorry,” I mumbled as I slid a beer in front of him. “Everything ok? You sure you need this after last night?” I attempted to smooth things over since he seemed to be mad at me for no reason.
“Shit!” he hissed as he shook his head. “I’m fine,” he wrapped his fingers around the bottle as he lifted it to his lips, and tipped his head back downing almost half of it in one gulp.
“Rough day?” I leaned against the bar in front of him. We weren’t busy yet, so I could hang out and talk for a little while.
“You could say that,” he muttered. He was still wearing his sunglasses so I couldn’t tell if he was even looking at me.
Promise Me Tomorrow: Book 3 in the Witness Series (Volume 3) Page 2