“It’s a long way to the store so we can’t go shopping very often,” Kate said.
“I like those,” Tommy said as Kate unpacked three large boxes of different varieties of cereal.
When Jack returned from another trip outside, probably to disable the car, he shook flecks of white from his jacket. “It’s snowing.” Tommy gasped, dropped his scooter and bolted for the door. He stopped at the threshold and stood open-mouthed.
“Real snow,” he whispered.
Kate came up behind him. Fat flakes floated down from a leaden sky.
“We can go for a walk, but you have to put on the warm clothes I bought,” Jack said.
“What if it goes away?” Tommy asked Kate.
“It won’t for a while.” She stared at the sky. Any amount of snow made escape more difficult.
While Jack got the stove going and stoked the fire, Kate filled the cupboards and fridge. Jack had bought warm clothing for all of them, plus T-shirts, pants, and sweaters for Tommy. The boy sat on the rug, struggling to get into a sweater, surrounded by a sea of packaging and the pile of things he’d unwrapped—
football, jigsaw puzzles, crayons and cars.
“Is it Christmas?” he asked.
“Not yet.” Jack laughed.
Tommy bounced with excitement as Kate dressed him in his new clothes. Jack had the sizes right. He had hers right, too. Kate stood in front of the blazing fire and shivered. He’d bought her a red jacket, gloves, and a hat. She couldn’t do up the zipper on the fleece. Jack had to help her.
He slid his hands over her breasts and squeezed hard. “I missed these.” Once the door opened, Tommy raced down the steps and out into the yard, running in circles before he skidded to a halt. Kate watched as he held out his gloved hands to catch the snow, and then lifted his face to the sky. She smiled as he put out his tongue.
“Got one,” he shouted. “I want to make a snowman.”
“You’re already a snowman,” Jack said.
Tommy ran back to Kate, tugging on her hand. “Hurry.”
The snow had begun to disguise their surroundings, settling on the roof of the storage shed, gathering on the window ledges and dusting the pile of logs in the yard.
Tommy jumped up and down. “I want to make a snowman.”
“When there’s more snow,” Kate said.
The three of them walked toward the lake, Jack holding Kate’s gloved hand and Tommy running on ahead. Kate felt ill and exhausted, aching so much she was barely able to put one foot in front of the other. Tommy raced around like an excited puppy, seeking out any place snow accumulated. The snow fell faster, the air so thick it was hard to make out where they were. Kate had never seen snow falling like this.
By the time they got to the water, it was almost a blizzard, but Tommy was having the time of his life. Jack put his arm around her as they walked along the shore toward the dock.
“Can we go look in the boat house?” Tommy asked.
“No, not today,” Jack said.
Tommy ran to it and pulled at the door. It was padlocked, but moved as he tugged, so he banged it.
“Stop that,” Jack called.
Tommy continued to swing. Kate felt the change in Jack. His whole body tensed like an animal about to pounce.
“Do as you’re told,” Jack shouted. “It’s not safe.” Jack shot after Tommy and Kate followed. She mustered all the energy she could, determined to outrun Jack.
“You do as I say,” Jack snapped, reaching for him.
Kate pulled Tommy behind her. “Don’t. He’s only three. If you want to hit someone, hit me.”
She stood on her toes, almost nose to nose with Jack, willing him to listen.
Behind her, Tommy clutched at her legs, pressing himself against her pants.
“Please, Jack. If you want him to love you, be kind to him.” He sneered. “That doesn’t work though, does it? I was kind to you. I found your son, returned him to you and you tried to kill me.”
Kate swallowed the words she wanted to spit at him. “I’m sorry for hitting you. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“You mean that? Or maybe you’re sorry you didn’t hit me hard enough.” Jack started to push her aside and Kate caught his arm.
“Tommy, throw snow in the water and watch what happens,” she said.
She felt the pressure on her legs ease, but didn’t dare take her eyes off Jack.
Kate knew she had to keep trying. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was scared. When I’m frightened, I don’t know what I’m doing.” Jack glared at her. “Is that right?”
Kate glanced to the side and saw Tommy throw a handful of snow into the water before he turned and looked from her to Jack.
“Please be kind,” she whispered.
“Then you be kind to me.”
Tommy pulled on Kate’s sleeve. “I’m cold.” He kept well away from Jack.
“If you won’t do as you’re told, I’ll find someone who will,” he said quietly.
Jack stared at her for a long moment. Kate held his gaze and braced herself, ready to step between Tommy and Jack’s fist. But he bent so he was level with Tommy and asked, “Want hot chocolate and marshmallows?”
“Yum.”
“I’ll give you a ride back.”
He held out his arms and Kate found herself encouraging Tommy forward.
Jack scooped him up and hoisted him on to his shoulders. When he started to jog through the snow, Tommy squealed with excitement.
Kate looked across the lake, peering for lights through the falling snow but saw nothing.
***
Exhausted by the thin, cold air, Tommy fell asleep at the table. Once he was in bed, Kate bent to pick the toys off the floor.
Jack caught her hand and squeezed it more gently than she’d expected. “Leave them.”
Back in the other room, she began to clear the table.
Jack followed. “I want to talk to you.”
“I need to clean things up.” Her mouth was dry. They both knew she was stalling.
“When you’re finished, I want you in the living room.” He took a beer from the fridge and went through to the other side of the house.
Kate washed up, put more wood on the fire and the stove. She took the clothes out of the dryer and hung them in the closet, but finally she had to walk through to the other room. Jack sat on the couch looking through the window at the falling snow. Kate took a shaky breath and sat next to him. His arm slid over her shoulder.
“Did you think I wasn’t coming back?”
“I knew you would.” She tried to sound confident.
“Why?”
“Because this is what you want. The three of us here together.”
“Is it what you want, too?”
She hesitated, wanting to give the right answer. “I’m trying.” Jack’s fingers stroked her neck as if she was a kitten, and Kate knew she’d said the right thing.
“I wouldn’t have hit him,” he said. “The boat shed’s not safe. The timber’s rotten. There’s no way I’d touch Tommy. I know what it’s like to be hit. My father hit me a lot. The day my mother died, he’d hit me with his belt. Steven’s fault the car got scratched, but me that got beaten.” His voice was flat.
Kate wasn’t sure what to say. The more he told her, the less likely he’d ever let them go. But on the other hand, befriending him could keep her and Tommy safe until someone came to save them.
Jack’s fingers twisted in her hair. Kate tensed but he didn’t hurt her.
“I was mad at Steven about the car so I went down to the lake. When I came back, there was blood everywhere and Mom lay right there.” He nodded toward the floor in front of the window. “It seemed like everything that should have been inside her was outside. Part of me knew she was dead. I still tried to save her, but there was so much blood. Suddenly, I had this intense pain in my back. I remember thinking my mom’s dead and I’m going to die too. The next thing I knew, I was in the lake.”
“Oh
God, that’s terrible,” Kate said. It was, if he was telling the truth.
“I told you I’d been under the ice. Well, it wasn’t quite like I said. That was when it happened, after my mother had been murdered, not when I was with Steven. I don’t remember whether I ran onto the lake to try and escape the murderer and the ice broke or whether I was thrown there after I’d been stabbed.”
Kate still wished he’d drowned.
“I want you to understand me, understand why I’m the way I am. I know I’m fucked up, but it’s not my fault.”
“I can see that.” Kate tried to sound sympathetic.
From Jack’s glance she knew he didn’t believe her.
“I’m not lying. I’d found my mother butchered, my brother was missing, presumed dead, and my dad didn’t want me anywhere near him.”
“What did he do?”
“Sent me to a place full of crazy people. All I needed was to be loved but he didn’t care about me. I didn’t speak for a long time, not to anyone. What was the point? No one listened. The guy in the room next to mine thought he was a piece of fruit.” He put his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes with his fists.
Was she supposed to feel sorry for him because of all he’d been through? How about what he’d put her through? Yet a tiny part of her did feel sorry for him.
“I tried to kill myself, and after that I was watched constantly. I had to earn the right to take a piss on my own. They said I was disturbed.”
“It was grief that made you that way.”
Jack’s eyes flashed to hers and he nodded. “My mother was the most important thing in the world to me.”
Kate thought this was the most sane thing she’d ever she’d heard from him.
But when he’d told her about falling through the ice the first time, she’d thought he was telling the truth then.
“I miss her.” Jack released a deep sigh.
Kate hoped he wasn’t lying, that he had cared for his mom and not killed her.
She knew there was no point looking in his eyes for clues. She rarely knew what he was thinking.
“What about your father?” she asked.
Jack’s face hardened. “He never came to see me. No birthday card, no Christmas present. Instead, I got rolling manicured lawns, a choice of healthy meals and drugs.”
“Did they catch the person who killed your mother?” He shook his head. “No. They looked for a hunter, but never found him.” He turned to face Kate. “My mother believed in me when no one else did. She loved me when I didn’t deserve it. That’s what I want for us, for you to love me when I don’t deserve it. Do you love me, Kate?”
“Not yet,” she said.
He ran his finger over her lips. “That kind of love is more real and precious than any other. I love you like that even though you don’t deserve it.” Kate thought about the letter J carved on her back.
“Why didn’t you love your mom?” he asked.
She knew she’d have to sacrifice something to keep him pleased with her.
“I did love her.” Though she wondered if that was true. “I always disappointed her. If I came second in a test, she’d say I should have been first. When I wrote a paper, she’d go through it and underline my mistakes. She told me she was trying to make me a better person, and instead she destroyed my self-confidence.” Kate’s heart was beating hard. She didn’t want to confide in him, but she’d say anything to make life easier for her and Tommy.
“My father’s like that,” Jack said. “Steven couldn’t do anything wrong while I couldn’t do anything right. I was never going to be as good as him at anything.
Steven wanted to be a lawyer. My dad used to say he’d be the best lawyer in the country and he’d need to be to get me out of jail. Real funny. They used to laugh at their joke, but Mom never did. I adored her. She was beautiful and kind and everything a mother should be.”
“You were lucky.”
Jack pulled her down so that she lay back across his chest with her legs up on the couch. Lifting her glasses from her face, he put them on the coffee table. One hand held a bottle of beer, the fingers of his other hand traced the line of flesh exposed at her waist. Kate’s skin quivered and he laughed.
“Steve got mono. He made out he was worse than he really was because he wanted Mom’s attention. The one thing I had that he was jealous about. One afternoon she was sitting on his bed, talking to him and he asked for a hug. I was just outside the door and I could see them in the mirror. He asked her to lie down next to him. They faced each other with their heads on the same pillow. He put his hand on her breast.”
Kate didn’t want to hear this. Why was he telling her? Her heart pounded inside her head. Jack circled her nipple.
“I heard her give a little cry, but she didn’t tell him to take his hand away. He opened the buttons on her blouse, real slow. Steven lifted her breasts from her bra and started to suck her nipples.” Jack tipped the beer into his mouth. “Then he fucked her.”
His voice was so cold, Kate shivered. “Did you tell your father?”
“He wouldn’t have believed me. He’d have said I was trying to cause trouble for Steven. Then Mom was murdered and Steven disappeared.”
“Could Steven have killed her?” Kate thought it was probably Jack who killed them both.
“I think Steven fucked her and to hide what he’d done, ripped her apart and ran away.”
Kate shuddered.
“I want to be happy here again, that’s all. Me, you, and our son. Our lives have been shit, but we can make everything right.” He slid his hand over the front of her jeans, squeezing gently. “I hurt you four years ago and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to kidnap you to get you here. I’m sorry about the way I took Tommy, but we’d never have gotten him back legally, even though he is ours. He’ll forget about before. We’ll make his life the best we can. We won’t repeat our parents’ mistakes.”
He sounded so sane; Kate felt even more frightened.
“How are we going to live? The money won’t last forever. You don’t have a job.”
“I’ll find a job. We can manage for a while.”
“What about your father? Will he mind us staying here?”
“All he’s ever wanted is for me to be settled down with a family.” And that one sentence chilled Kate to the bone. Was that it? Jack trying to impress a father he hated? But all she had to do was tell the guy what his crazy son had done and that would be the end. Jack had killed a man. This wasn’t a game.
Jack tossed aside the empty bottle. He moved so he lay alongside her, slid his hand under her sweater and T-shirt. Kate closed her eyes. When she felt his lips on hers, she allowed his tongue into her mouth. The taste of beer made her falter for a moment, and then she kissed him harder, clutching at him, trying not to think. Jack suddenly pushed her aside and sat up.
“Take off your clothes and then take off mine.” Kate stood but didn’t move, the standing as much as she could manage.
“I’m waiting.”
Moving fast now, so thought didn’t stop her, she removed her sweater and Tshirt at the same time, kicked off her shoes, unzipped her jeans and pulled them off. She still ached from the beating. Her body was covered in bruises.
“It’s your own fault. Kiss me and I’ll be gentle.” She could taste beer in her mouth, knew what was coming wouldn’t be gentle and whimpered.
Jack gave a snort of derision and got to his feet. “Get on with it.” Kate’s fingers fidgeted at her sides. What difference did it make now? He’d already raped her. She had to survive and keep Tommy safe. That was all that mattered. She unfastened her bra and let it fall to the floor, pulled down her blue panties and stepped out of them. In a hurry to get it over with, she stepped forward, tugged at his shirt and unfastened the buttons, slipped it from his shoulders and let it drop. She couldn’t look at his face, instead fixed her eyes on his chest, imagined his heart valves failing, clots obstructing his arteries. As her fingers fumbled with the button on his c
hinos, Jack put his hands on her breasts and kneaded them roughly. Kate bit back a gasp of pain.
She pulled down his trousers and when she bent to take off his shoes, the contents of her stomach lurched up, threatening to reappear. He lifted one foot and then the other so that she could remove his socks. When she stood again, his erection tented his shorts. Taking a shaky breath, she eased the boxers over his hips and they fell to the floor. Jack kicked them aside.
“Far too easy, Kate. What’s come over you?” He took hold of her chin and tipped her head so she had to look at him. “I asked you a question.”
“I’m trying to understand what you want.”
Jack ran his hands over her bruises, down to her hips and then suddenly held her away from his body. “Have you really changed? Let’s see.” He pushed her to her knees so his penis stood in front of her face. Kate closed her eyes.
“Guess what I want you to do.”
“I can’t.” She could barely speak.
“Yeah, you can. Open your eyes.” His voice was hard, nothing like the little lost boy act he’d put on earlier.
“I’ve never done it before.”
He put his hands at the back of her head and pressed her face into his groin.
“It isn’t difficult. Open your mouth.”
Kate put her hands on his hips and tried to push away, but he kept her in place.
“Open your mouth,” he repeated. “You can suck a popsicle, can’t you?” Her lips clamped together. She struggled to get free and Jack caught her jaw and pressed his fingers into the side, forcing his penis into her mouth. Kate flailed with her hands, spluttering and crying.
“You bite me and I’ll fuck you with that bottle.” Kate gagged and Jack pulled out again.
“Don’t move.” He strode into the other room. Kate sank to the floor, gasping for breath. She’d never convince him he’d won because there would always be another battle to fight.
Jack came back with his knife and a plastic bottle of honey. He squeezed it the length of his penis and then dropped the container on the table. Taking the knife in one hand and her hair in the other, he yanked her to her knees, told her what to do and Kate did it. As he surged backward and forward between her lips, Kate closed her eyes, concentrating on not throwing up and imagined his face when the police arrested him.
book Page 17