by B. A. Wolfe
She started laughing. “What are you doing today?”
I couldn’t help the cocky grin that splayed across my face. “I think a better question is, what are we doing today.”
Her head tilted. “Huh?”
“Finish eating, you’re going to need fuel for what I’ve got planned.”
Cassandra
“What? When? Why?” I asked breathlessly. A fancy red and black stroller stood before me.
“It’s a jogging stroller, I bought it last week. Because I wanted to and I think you’ll really enjoy running.”
I put my hands on the handle and nudged it toward him. “I can’t accept this, Aidan.”
He forced it back. “You don’t have a choice. I’m not taking it back.”
“Why?”
“I already said why.” He grinned shamelessly. “Go put on your running shoes. I’ll get everything else ready. Meet me outside.”
I shook my head.
“Stop being difficult; just go.”
He flashed a wink and the grin I fought back lost. I grabbed Jase from the swing and headed downstairs.
I met Aidan outside ten minutes later after donning my sneakers, a tee and yoga pants. Jase was changed, his binks in his mouth and seemed more content than I was. My heart raced. Why was Aidan doing this? “Well, I’m out here, what next?”
“A little sassy this morning, are we?”
I didn’t mean to be; I was using it to cover my nerves. He took Jase from my arms and murmured something to him in a baby voice that had me melting on the inside.
“You need to stretch first.”
“What about you?” I asked.
A playful smile splashed across his face. “The thirty minutes it took you to get out here gave me more than enough time to stretch.”
“You’re just full of it today,” I teased. “What do I do? Just basic stretches?”
The gleam in his eyes became more apparent as he fought back a laugh. I was in for a long day, but I honestly couldn’t wait.
Dozens of forward and backward arm swings, toe touches, lunges, and leg swings later we were off. I had a set of earphones hooked in my ears, courtesy of Aidan and his phone, which had an interesting playlist that took me a while to enjoy. Aidan pushed Jase in the new stroller. I think he just wanted to use the damn thing himself. We were looping the neighborhood and starting ‘small,’ as he told me.
Fifteen minutes in and the sun shone down heavily. By the beads of sweat that decorated my skin, I could tell it was going to be a hot one today. I didn’t mind though; my skin welcomed the sweltering heat, enjoying the last of it before the leaves blanketed the ground.
I couldn’t believe my legs, mind, and soul enjoyed something so simple, yet so effective as a little outdoor exercise. It also didn’t hurt that a hot man with a mouth-watering backside jogged in front of me as he took care of my baby. And for the love of God, the wide smile he’d flash me every five minutes didn’t hurt, either. He’d wink and smile, making me losing my train of thought, and then look ahead as if this were just another day to him.
I couldn’t keep up with Aidan’s long strides, but the aching in my calf muscles was proof I was trying. My ponytail swished against the crest of my back as I pumped my legs with a little more intensity. Reminders of a few simple rules from Aidan on not pushing myself rang in my head. I’d always listened to my teachers; it wouldn’t be in my nature to stop now.
Slowing my pace, my hair swayed a little less, and my legs were back at the right speed. As we made our first right turn through the neighborhood, a vibration against my hip and a beep into my eardrum startled me.
His phone.
I shrugged it off and returned to my happy place. A few minutes later, it happened again. The old Cassandra would have whipped his phone out and gotten to the bottom of it. Then again, that same girl had learned that being intrusive was a quality that wasn’t always desirable in a person. But that Cassandra wasn’t the person I truly was. I yanked the phone out and eyed the screen.
Shay: I’ll be in Denver this week. Can I come over?
My feet suddenly grew a pair of concrete shoes, making it impossible to put one foot in front of the other. My heart sank faster than a rock in water. I guess things weren’t always what they seemed. I should’ve learned that lesson by now. I was a fool. A girl who had yet to learn anything about relationships.
I huffed as I realized this wasn’t a relationship. Hell, I didn’t even know what to call what we had. I continued to lag behind Aidan as he pushed the stroller. Why did he have to be so nice and thoughtful? He didn’t badger me about things, he was always just . . . there. It was different having a person act that way around me. But more than anything, it was enjoyable and something I looked forward to.
We reached the house. My insides twisted as I approached Aidan, who was making funny faces to Jase as he unbuckled him from the stroller.
I reached in my pocket, grabbed his phone, and shoved it toward him. “Here’s your phone back. Thanks again. You might want to check it, someone’s eager to get ahold of you.” I grabbed Jase and headed inside, leaving Aidan to stare at his phone.
Making my way to the family room, I laid Jase on his blue and green polka dotted blanket, then bee-lined it for the kitchen, and busied myself by making him a bottle. My body tensed as the front door closed. Aidan’s footsteps stopped and I could sense he was only a couple feet away.
“It’s not what you think.” His voice was breathy and upset.
But it was, and more. It wasn’t a friend asking him to hang out or calling him to catch up. It was a woman who was still very much in love with her ex.
“It’s none of my business, Aidan.” I clenched my teeth after I told him that, fighting back the hurt. I shook the bottle as I stared at the linoleum tile on the kitchen floor.
He huffed. “You’re right, it’s not. You and I are only friends. Right?” His voice came across harsher than I’d ever heard.
I lifted my gaze. He stood covered in sweat as he rested his palms on the counter. His eyes locked on mine. I couldn’t look away. “Yes, but what if—” I stopped, bracing myself for the words that were ready to scream from my heart. “What if I want to be more than—” I froze. I couldn’t take it down that road.
The quick rise and fall of his chest matched mine as he leaned further into the counter. “More than what, Cassie?” His voice grew soft. His piercing gaze was steady on mine.
I begged my eyes to drag their attention elsewhere, away from those eyes. Hell, even drooling over his sweaty body would be better. Nothing cooperated though. Nothing.
He sighed. “You’re overthinking. Just tell me. More than what, Cassie?”
He already knew deep down exactly which word would finish my sentence. The look in those light chocolate irises pleaded for me to say it. I could feel it with every passing second that his eyes bore into mine.
But there were instances when that feeling deep in your belly steered you wrong. What if this was one of those times? What if the text from Shay was a sign that these feelings I tried to ignore weren’t just sinful to have, but that I never stood a chance?
Using his forearm, he wiped away beads of sweat and then seconds later his lips parted. Before he could speak, I beat him to the punch.
I shook my head. “It’s nothing, Aidan. Just forget it.”
He released a heavy sigh as his hand left the counter to sweep the back of his neck. His voice went quiet. “You sure? It doesn’t seem like nothing.” His eyes followed my every move.
“Yes, it’s nothing. Drop it.” My tone was more abrasive than I’d intended. I took the bottle and Jase to the couch. Aidan didn’t storm off, he didn’t say another word. He just left. His door quietly closed after a few moments passed.
“Your mom is so confused,” I whispered as I fed Jase. “I don’t know what to do.” Jase continued to demolish the bottle as I sat thinking about why I was so quick to dismantle my heart.
After a while, the hal
lway door opened and closed and Aidan appeared in the family room. My heart sped up as he crouched before me, tenderness sweeping across his features. I sucked in a breath as his eyes captured mine.
“I shouldn’t be saying this, but I have to. I have to get it off my chest. It’s eating me alive. Shay was a part of my life. She’s not anymore, and no amount of begging and pleading on her end will ever change that.” His hand rested on my knee. My skin responded and tingled as if it were asleep.
“The girl that I want in my life is sitting in front of me holding the sweetest baby I know.” His hand brushed the side of my face for a split second. “And I know you feel it too, Cassie. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes. It’s not right in so many ways and I know that too. But in so many ways it’s more right than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.”
My breath hitched as the words sank into my inflated heart.
“I’m not asking you to leap off this couch and be with me. I’m telling you this so you know that when you’re ready, I’ll be here, waiting.” He paused as his hand touched Jase’s head. “Because you and Jase are worth waiting for.”
The tears developed, ready to spill and topple over the edge as his words continued to submerge deeper into my soul.
Aidan took my free hand in his and laid it palm side down on his chest, directly over his thudding heart. I clenched my teeth, fighting the urge to do everything I told myself I wouldn’t.
His lips tugged in the corner, slowly producing a smile. “That’s all you and only you,” he whispered. “The minute I leave this room I won’t bring this up ever again. Not until you tell me you’re ready. Just know, the second you let me cross that line I won’t be able to uncross it. And . . .” he took a breath. “I won’t want to.”
He lifted my hand off his heart and pressed a kiss to my palm before letting go. Aidan rose from the floor, hooking a finger under my chin. “You’ll always have a protector and a friend in me, even if that’s all you ever want.”
I closed my eyes, ready to release the heartache wanting to pour out of me.
A pair of lips pressed to my forehead, sending me over the edge. Tears fell and trickled down as I pinched my eyes shut.
My body was frozen. I couldn’t move. My heart seemed to slowly flat line as I sat there, replaying his words over and over. My insides hung on for dear life. I didn’t know what to do, run after him or sink into the couch and cry. It was all too much.
Cassandra
THE FRONT DOOR OPENED and again, I didn’t move. I pulled Jase tighter to my chest and hung onto Aidan’s words.
Trish entered the family room and set her purse on the floor. “Hi, Cassandra.”
“Hi,” I mumbled as if my lips were stuck together.
“Oh, sweetie.” She was at my side within seconds, whisking Jase and his empty bottle from my arms. “What’s wrong?” Her hand went to my back in a comforting rubbing motion she seemed to have perfected over the years.
A deep, shuddering breath escaped me as I dropped my head into my hands, my elbows resting on my knees. “Oh, Trish. It’s . . . I’m . . .”
“Talk to me,” she urged with a gentle voice.
I didn’t know if I could continue to keep all my feelings bottled up. They were bound to blow, the longer they stewed inside me.
“Trish,” I said, sniffling. “I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.”
“What are you confused about?” She moved her hand to Jase’s back when he started to squirm.
How could I put my situation into words without sounding like someone who was crazy?
“You can tell me anything.”
My eyes lifted and met hers. The wrinkles fanning from them were as sincere as the motherly smile she wore. I wished I could tell her anything. But what I needed to discuss was about her sons. How would she take that?
“Trish, my life is one seriously messed up romance novel. There’s a certain someone I need to talk to, but guilt keeps tugging me back.”
She laid Jase on his blanket and sat back beside me. “Sounds like quite a battle with yourself.”
“You have no idea.”
“I think you need to have a heart to heart with him.”
“But I can’t, Trish. I feel guilty every time I talk to him.”
She released a soft laugh. “No, Cassandra, not that person.” Her understanding voice grew quiet. “The person you need to let go of.”
I placed a hand over my stomach as it twisted. “What do you mean?”
With an arm around my shoulder she pulled me to her. “I mean you need to talk to the person who’s making you feel this way. Making you feel guilty.” She boxed my face with her palms and captured my gaze. “He’d want you to be happy, Cassandra. You need to let go, and that’s okay. It hurts, but it’s o-okay.” Her voice cracked and my heartstrings pulled even tighter.
I stared into her honey irises and shook my head.
She nodded in return. “It’s okay.”
Deep down in the pit of my stomach, I knew what had to be done. I needed to have a heart to heart with a certain someone. Badly.
“Trish?”
“Yes, Cassandra.”
“Can you watch Jase for me? I won’t be long.”
She smiled with pools of tears flooding her eyes. “Take all the time you need.”
The sight of Jason’s grave as I approached still took my breath away. I knelt down in the grass beside it and stared at the granite headstone. “Hey.” My fingers trembled as they traced Jason’s name engraved on the cold slab.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come here when everyone else did. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.” My hands landed at my sides, clutching at the vibrant lawn. “I want to be brave. I want to see you more often, and I want to not bawl every time I think of you.” I closed my eyes, drew in a heavy breath, and let it trickle out.
“Oh, Jase, I’m so lost. I think I have to move on with my life, but every time I think about it, I want to throw up.”
Blades of grass ended up in my hands as I continued to yank them out.
“You’re my green-eyed cowboy who calls me Sweetheart. But without you here next to me, holding my hand that won’t stop shaking, it’s a constant reminder that you’re gone. That you really did go a-away.” I choked on my last word and pinched my eyes shut.
You came here to talk to him, Cassandra. Talk to him.
“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared of letting you go. I’m scared of letting someone else in and then having him taken away too. I c-can’t do it again.” Tears landed on my jeans, leaving a trail of darkened spots.
“I can’t lose him too. He makes me feel like myself. I don’t have to hide who I am around him. I don’t have to be anyone but me. I question myself all the time, but at the end of the day it’s the truth.” With that one simple word, I knew. I knew I had to let Jase go. Truth. It was Aidan. It was Aidan who got my heart going, my skin dancing, and my smile to return.
And the truth kept pouring out.
“I love you so much, Jase. So much it physically hurts.” I wiped the wetness from my cheeks and then held my stomach as I braced for what I was about to say. “But I have to wonder if what we had was too perfect.” My insides clenched tight. The thought had crossed my mind so many times, yet each time I threw it to the back; I didn’t want to consider it. After being with Aidan, the notion struck hard, but admitting it out loud was excruciating.
“Y-you gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it the most. You showed me what love was. You made me believe I deserve a love that moves mountains. And I needed that. Maybe it wasn’t about the happy ending you and I didn’t get, but the memories instead.” My eyes lifted to soak in the sun above and then returned to the stone. “Jase, I look back at everything, and what we had was beautiful, it was . . . epic,” I told him with a smile as I remembered our happy moments. “But with Aidan it feels right too.”
My constricted throat gave in to sobs, and tears poured out uncontrollably. “Oh
, Jase.” I had revealed a truth I’d felt in my heart for some time but was too afraid to admit. It didn’t just hurt my heart, it pierced my soul. But it had to come out. If I was ever to move on, this heart-gripping pain was necessary.
I curled myself into a ball on the grass and let the blades tickle my cheek as my tears flowed. “Please don’t hate me, Jase. Please don’t hate me for this.”
My mind whispered with the realization that while Jase and I had both loved each other, we weren’t meant to be together. An even louder whisper wafted through my mind, telling me that maybe it was supposed to be Aidan.
Timing is everything. I never truly understood that phrase until now.
My stomach muscles pulled tight as I wept into the grass, soaking the blades like a rainstorm. “Time, Jase.” I whispered. “It just wasn’t on our side.” I lifted up, tucking my knees underneath me.
“You’re my sweet guy. You’re amazing and I’ll never forget you or what you did for me, but I . . . but I have to let you go. I have to try and move on. I have to let the girl who I know is hiding in here . . .” I brought my finger to my chest as I clutched my other hand to his stone. “I have to let her out and let her heart heal.”
This would hurt. It was going to feel as if I was going against the grain, trudging up hill, fighting my way through quicksand. But I had to see if Aidan was the one to mend my heart.
“I have to let go and I have to say good-bye my sweet guy.” I touched my lips to my two fingers and pressed them to his stone. “Green light, Jase. You’ll always be my first love.”
As I stood, I caught a glimpse of a stark white envelope tucked behind the stone. My hand reached for it; I couldn’t open it fast enough. I pulled out the handwritten letter and read the words.
Jase,
I’m supposed to be at the bar right now, but I had to come see you. This weekend is harder than I thought it would be. The only thing that helps . . . a hazel-eyed blonde angel.
Every time I see her, my heart constricts and I have to remember to breathe. Then I think about you and Cassie and I hate myself for thinking of her that way. Everything’s so messed up. Tell me to stop. I need to know what to do; otherwise, I’ll never be able to stay away.