by Mann, Marni
I arched my back, I gripped the comforter between my hands, tilting my neck so the top of my head pushed into the mattress.
“Tell me you love me again,” he said.
I could feel how close we both were based on the way he moved. The tingles had taken over, making it difficult to concentrate on what he was asking.
“Say it, Charlie. Say it while I come.”
I only had to wait a few seconds. “I love you.” My voice shook and shuddered along with my body. His did, too. Finally, he collapsed on top of me, staying inside my warmth and wetness as I pulled him onto my chest and kissed the top of his head.
Then I said it again.
“I love you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I WASN’T SURE WHAT TIME I eventually crawled out of bed, but my growling stomach and pounding head finally drove me out of the sheets. Dressed in the T-shirt I had yanked off his chest last night, I padded my way down the hall and immediately made myself a cup of coffee once I landed in the kitchen. I admired the quiet that surrounded me and the sunlight streaming in as I took my first sip. I was finally back in my home. I’d been far too preoccupied to have noticed it last night, but something had in fact changed while I’d been gone. There was a new painting hanging in the living room. It wasn’t exactly newCameron had actually completed it months ago. But he had finally hung it, replacing another that had been in the same spot. It wasn’t the one he’d bought me from Jameson’s gala; that one had been hung in the dining room. This new canvas was the portrait he had done of us: a black-and-white image of my naked back, my shoulder blades protruding slightly, the two side-by-side freckles on my shoulder just under the place where my bra strap would have been. The top of my ass rested at the bottom of the canvas and my legs were wrapped around him. His tattooed arms were crossed and bound around me; his head was tucked into my neck, and mine was nestled into his. He hadn’t included our faces. He hadn’t needed to. There was so much emotion in the image of just our bodies. It was pure and raw and real.
It was love.
“I know…about time I hung it, right?”
The noise startled me. Cameron stood in the doorway that led to the studio, bare-chested, wearing his favorite pair of painting jeans. I nodded and took another sip.
“I was just coming in to check on you. How about I make us some breakfast?”
I moved over to one of the stools and took a seat. “I would love that.”
He followed me, lifting the mug out of my hands, taking a gulp of it before kissing me. “I love how you taste in the morning.”
I couldn’t imagine I tasted that great. I had brushed my teeth, but the toothpaste barely masked all the beer I had drunk the night before. For some reason, it always clung to my tongue the next morning. And mixed with the coffee, it had to be pretty repulsive.
“There’s a lot of love floating around in here today,” I told him.
He set the mug on the counter and took my face between his hands. “I was easy on you this morning. Just wait; you have a whole lot of love to make up for.”
I pulled my face away, pressing my hand to his chest to keep him where he was. “Breakfast first. Then more coffee…lots more coffee, actually.”
He smiled as he walked to the other side of the counter, removing the items he needed from the fridge. I lifted the cup and squeezed it between my hands, taking small sips of the warm liquid.
I wanted to relax like that all day, but I really needed to go to Dallas’s apartment to collect my stuff. And I had to get some painting done. Professor Freeman had scheduled me to meet with two new clients this week and two others were requesting duplicates of previous pieces. And Jameson had that client he wanted me to talk to…I really needed to make contact with him, too. I still had a few ongoing projects that I needed to finish, and everything I had been producing lately had been shit. My fingers felt different now, though. Everything inside me felt changed. I needed to get to a canvas so I could release it and let those feelings pour onto the grain.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked me.
“Just what I have to do today, starting with going to Dallas’s to get my things.”
“No need. It’s already done.”
“It’s done?”
He took the whisk out of the drawer and began beating the eggs that he’d cracked into a bowl. “I went over early this morning and Dallas helped me pack it all up and load it into the car. It’s all in the closet. You would have seen it, but you decided to dress in what I had left on the floor.” He smirked as he whisked.
“Wow.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I really needed to call Dallas and thank him for allowing me to stay there and for helping Cameron pack my things, especially given that he was probably just as hung-over as I was. More than that, I needed to thank him for reconnecting me and Cameron…for doing what I couldn’t bring myself to do.
“Beyond just moving you back in, I thought it would be good for me and Dallas to spend some time together,” he said. “There’s no reason we can’t be friends. I want him to feel comfortable when he comes over here.” He looked up from the bowl. “He took care of you when I didn’t…when I wouldn’t. I’m grateful to him for that.”
I hated having to say what I was going to, but I needed to be completely honest with him or this was never going to work between us. “I’m so relieved that you want to be friends with Dallas…but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let Lora into my life. I hope you understand that.”
“No need. I told Lora we couldn’t hang out anymore.”
“You did what?”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No…not at all.” I was stunned—thrilled, actually. I just couldn’t believe he had done it.
“It was unhealthy, I know. I’ve known it for a while. I just couldn’t bring myself to let her go. But I can now.”
When I thought about it from his side, I understood why he’d been so attached to her: she was available whenever Cameron wanted her. She listened. She gave him the attention he required, and she was loyal.
Lora was only part of our problem, though. We still had Ryder to deal with. I really enjoyed spending time with him, but when I told Cameron I loved him it meant that I was giving myself to him completely. That I was eliminating every other thought that had infiltrated my mind. There was no more Ryder, no mansion, no mask. No dreams of anyone but Cameron.
“We need to talk about your brother, too.”
He poured the egg mixture into a fry pan. In a second pan, he dropped strips of bacon into heated oil. “You mean about him living here, or…something else?”
“No…that.” I hoped it wouldn’t be a sore subject to discuss, me insisting that he not live with us after I’d already agreed that he could.
He nodded. “We looked at places last week and he put a deposit down on one of them. He’s moving at the first of the month.”
“Is he leaving because of me?”
“Nohe’s leaving because he’s twenty-seven and has a good job, and he needs his own place.”
“I won’t lie to you. I thought about Ryder…”
“I know.” He turned around and faced me. “It was a fucked-up time for all of us. You don’t have to apologize for what was going on inside your head. What was in mine wasn’t any better. But we’re moving on from that. He doesn’t need to live here with us. And we don’t need to talk about it anymore.”
I walked to where he stood, wrapped my arms around his waist and tilted my head up so I could view his face. “I’m in awe of you.”
He smiled. “That’ll change when I burn your eggs.”
“I don’t care about the eggs.” I went up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his, my fingers climbing into his hair, pulling him even closer to me.
“Mmm,” he breathed. “I agree. Fuck the eggs.”
My stomach didn’t agree, though. The coffee was helping, but I really needed to get some food inside me. I planted a final kiss on his mouth and re
claimed my seat on the stool. “You never answered me last night.”
“About what?” he asked.
“Your dad,” I reminded him. “Are you going to call him?”
“I haven’t decided yet. I honestly don’t know what to do.”
“If my opinion matters—”
“It’s the only one that does at this point.”
He knew all the right things to say sometimes. “Then I think you should give him a chance. You know better now than to let him get close enough to hurt you again. Maybe you’ll actually get the closure you need. Or maybe he’ll surprise you and you’ll gain someone new in your life, like I did in mine.”
“Maybe.” He flipped the eggs. “Is he still writing you?”
There was so much I hadn’t told him. He hadn’t even realized that while he had packed up my things, he had also boxed the cell phone my father had sent me. I didn’t know where else to put it while I’d been staying at Dallas’s, so I’d hidden it in one of my jacket pockets.
“We’ve been talking on the phone, too,” I admitted.
He immediately turned in my direction. “On your cell phone? But what if”
I shook my head. “He sent me one. It’s untraceable, I’m sure. He’s been calling me once a week. It’s…really good.”
Pain covered his face. “Baby, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”
“I know. It’s okay. We’re starting fresh, remember?”
“You’re not working today. You’re catching me up on everything that happened while I was…gone. Then I’m spending the rest of the day inside you.”
“That”
“You don’t have a choice.” He smiled briefly before he turned back to the stove.
I wasn’t going to argue. But there was one last question he hadn’t answered. It had been on my mind the whole time I’d been gone.
“What did that painting mean, Cameron?”
He glanced back at the stove. “You mean the one I did of you?”
“Yes.”
He didn’t seem to want to answer. But he knew he couldn’t avoid it. “It was how I saw you when Ryder showed up—open and vulnerable. All you wanted was to forget those months you spent inside that…chamber of sex and death…but he brought you right back around to it again.” He shut off the burners and moved to the island. I sat opposite him as he leaned his stomach into the counter. “But it was also to remind myself of the tears I had caused you.”
“There were many.” I knew I didn’t need to say that, but the words slipped from my lips. All those nights I had cried myself to sleep in our bed, I had never heard him outside our room. Somehow, he knew anyway.
“I caused them all, and I did nothing to stop them.” He took a deep breath. “I hate myself for that.”
“Where’s the piece now?”
“It’s in my portfolio. I’m keeping it as a reminder of a side of me that I never want to show you again.”
I nodded and I reached my hand across the counter. He looked at my fingers sitting open and inviting on the cold granite, watching them for several silent seconds.
Then he softly wrapped his hand over mine.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
I KNEW I HAD TO DISCUSS MY TIME AWAY with Ryder—and we needed to talk about his pending departure, too. I’d avoided all of his calls and texts while I’d been staying with Dallas. My second evening home felt like the right time to talk to him. I really didn’t want to put it off any longer or wait until there was an awkward run-in between us. It was another aspect of my life I needed to face head-on. I was ready for it.
I’d told Cameron that afternoon that I’d planned to chat with his brother, so when I kissed his cheek in the studio and said I was heading across the hall to talk to him, he wasn’t surprised. He also wasn’t surprised when I told him I thought it would be best if I did it alone. He didn’t show even a hint of concern, and he never told me to stay away from him. I believed he knew at this point I wasn’t going to give Ryder anything more than my words. And I wasn’t.
I found him in the living room, his feet resting on the coffee table, a bottle of beer in his right hand. He was watching TV; his posture told me how relaxed he was…and his expression showed me that as well. After several steps, his eyes found me and followed me over to the couch as I took a seat across from him. His face didn’t change.
“Can we talk?” I asked him.
He nodded. “Of course. I’m actually really glad that you want to.”
I didn’t know where to start. I just knew I had to explain my feelings and I needed to make him understand that nothing would ever happen between us again. I decided to pick up where we’d left off. “I know I thanked you the night I left for having my back against Cameron and Lora, and I really did appreciate the things you said. Something tells me that wasn’t the only time you spoke to him and stood up for me.”
He shrugged.
I figured he wouldn’t take any credit for what he had done, and I knew he didn’t want to reveal anything that he and Cameron had discussed. I was fine with that. But it still needed to be recognized.
“Well, whatever you said, it seemed to have worked. I know it’s early and we have a lot of repairs to make, but we’re willing to do it.”
“You guys need to be together.” His tone was flat and unaffected.
My palms were covered in sweat. I rubbed them on my jeans and crossed my legs underneath me. “So about us…”
“I know, Charlie…I know.” He picked up the remote and muted the TV. “And I know you feel the need to say something significant about it, something that wraps things up and makes us both feel better about everything. But you don’t have to. I know you love him and I know you would never hurt him, especially with me. If it ever came down to it, I don’t think I could have done it either.” He dragged on his beer. “I told him, though. I told him everything. There are no secrets between the three of us anymore.”
I was so relieved to hear that. “Good. I don’t want there to be.”
“I want you guys to be happy. You both deserve that and I need to find it, too. Staying here, though…it’s just too much, you know?” His pain was just as real as mine had been, and Cameron’s.
“I know.”
And I did. As much as we both probably wanted to forget our time together at the mansion, I didn’t think we ever would. Living in the same apartment, we’d be reminded of those memories every day and it would be impossible for both of us to move on regardless of how much we’d gotten over our feelings for each other.
“I’m sure it’s going to take some time, but I really want us to be friends, Ryder.”
I’d never have a Dallas type of relationship with him, and honestly I didn’t want that. I just wanted us to be able to hang out together without any hidden tension.
“I want that, too,” he said. “And I know Cameron does as well.”
I smiled and stood to return to the studio. “I’m glad.”
I was walking away when he spoke again. “Can I ask for a favor, Charlie?”
I paused. “Of course you can.”
He tried to smile, but it didn’t really take. “When I move into my new place, will you paint a piece for me…something I can hang in my living room?”
I nodded. “I’d be honored to.”
“I’ll pay you whatever you want for it.”
“Don’t be silly, Ryder. It’ll be a gift.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
I smiled as warmly as I could. “You didn’t. I insist.” I thought I saw some of his sadness pass. “Maybe we can work together and come up with something that you really want?”
His face softened. “I would love that.”
There was no sense of passion lingering between us anymore, like what I’d felt before I had moved out. Now I felt a kinship instead. It was a completely new feeling for us both.
I went back across the hall to the studio. Cameron looked up from his easel when I came in. “How did it go?” he ask
ed.
I walked directly to him, wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my face on his chest. He was shirtless; the softness of his skin soothed my cheek. His smell awakened me. “It went really well. I think there’s potential for a friendship there. I just think it’s going to take some time.”
His hands rested on the middle of my back, rubbing up all the way to my neck, then down to my butt. “Some people might think I’m crazy for wanting this, but I really do. You two are the most important people in my life. It would feel wrong to keep you apart, or if you couldn’t get along because of everything that’s happened… because of everything that I caused. I know it almost ruined us, but maybe it could strengthen us, too.” I tilted my head, looking up into the crystal clarity that stared back at me. The only thing cold about him was the blue of his eyes. Everything else about Cameron spoke of his warmth. “Do you think I’m crazy?”
“No,” I said as I shook my head. “I think you’re wonderful.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
AS THE DAYS PASSED, it seemed like the only things I was aware of were Cameron and my art; it was an intense blending, equal amounts of both. Nothing else seemed to exist around me. It was the only way I wanted it, the only way that felt right. We still had so much time to make up for. It only took us admitting that we loved each other for me to get back to that place again. My clothes would be stripped off my body, wetness would gather between my legs and I’d be begging for that friction, for that fullness, a totality of sensation that only he could give me. It didn’t matter how raw and sore I felt from all the penetration. The pain was trumped by the happiness every time.
My art came with the same intensity. Once I pressed my brush against a new canvas, I had a difficult time shutting off. I barely allowed time for the base coats to dry before I started adding detail and texture and character. I became accustomed to moving on to a new piece while I waited. The new clients I had met with had very specific requests, and I was happy to be able to complete their work rather quickly. For the two who wanted duplicates, I had their pieces finished within a couple days. Copying what I’d already done was much easier than creating original works. But I loved revisiting my older images.