I saw one of the girls come out of her stall and head for the sink, but I didn’t wait for her. I’d only had two beers over a couple hours, but I suddenly felt dizzy, and my brain wasn’t working properly. I wasn’t a virgin. I’d had a serious boyfriend in the spring, and we’d ended up having sex a few times before having a stupid fight and breaking up. He’d been cute, but nothing like Tyler. If Tyler expected sex tonight, was I prepared to go through with it? I wasn’t ready for it, psychologically, but maybe that didn’t matter. If sex was what it took to keep him in my life, and if I did want him, then maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal to just go a little faster than I’d be completely comfortable with.
It felt wrong, but it felt wrong to think about walking away from him, too. Or watching him walk away from me, when he realized that I was just a scared little kid, not a sophisticated woman like these others. I pushed through the crowd and found my way down to the lake. The air was cool, but I kicked my sandals off and waded in up to my ankles. I was tempted to just keep going, to swim away from the confusion, but I knew it would just follow after me. And of course, I started thinking about my mom, and how good she’d been about all this stuff. I’d talked to her about sex last time, and she’d been calm and accepting, letting me know she thought I should take it slow, but not making me feel like a slut. She’d been the best mom ever, and now she was gone. But I wasn’t ready to be alone; I still needed her.
“You okay?”
I turned to the shore and saw Tyler, silhouetted against the light of the campfire. I thought of his gentle smile and quiet humor and tried to reconcile it with what the girls had said.
“I don’t know,” I answered.
He was wearing jeans, but he didn’t even hesitate before wading out to me, the water soaking the cuffs of his pants. At least he’d just had sport sandals on, so he wasn’t ruining his shoes. Still, I felt like an idiot, someone who constantly needed rescuing and caretaking.
“No, I’m fine,” I said, and when he got close I took a step back, away from him.
He stopped moving. “What happened?”
“I’m just being stupid. Sorry.” But I still didn’t want to touch him, and he seemed to be able to tell.
“Do you want to go home? I can walk you home if you want.”
“So you can come back and hook up with somebody else?” I snarled. Apparently I’d decided to address this head on. If Tyler was just a junior version of Will, I needed to know now. “That girl with the white shorts, maybe. She said she’d be interested. Or her friend. I guess you’ve already slept with her, but she seemed like she’d be happy with another round.”
Tyler’s jaw literally dropped. He looked adorably confused, the moonlight casting dark shadows beneath his cheekbones, his eyes wide with surprise. “Shit,” he finally said. “I didn’t think they’d move in so fast.”
“What? Move in?” I shook my head. “Is that true, Tyler? I mean, Miranda kept implying that you’re…you know. A bit promiscuous. But I thought she was just being bitchy. I don’t…this is freaking me out, Tyler.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. I can see that. I’m sorry.”
“But it’s true. You…” I wasn’t sure how to put it into words. “That’s what you do. You sleep with lots of girls, just one-night-stands, just…”
“Karen,” he said as if he wanted my attention, but once I gave it to him he didn’t seem to have much to say. Finally, he said, “Yeah. I guess. I mean, it’s the hockey. That’s why they’re interested. They’re puck bunnies, you know?”
I stared at him for a moment, trying to wrap my ears around what he seemed to have said. I couldn’t do it. “They’re what?”
He looked uncomfortable. “Puck bunnies. Like…like hockey groupies.”
“You have groupies. And they’re called ‘puck bunnies.’” It was sinking in, but it wasn’t making much sense.
“That’s the more polite term. You don’t want to hear the others.” He looked like he knew this wasn’t going over too well with me, but he kept talking. “This is my third year in the league. The first two years…it kind of went to my head, I guess. I was sixteen, living away from home and hanging out with guys who did the same things, and these girls—women, sometimes—they were throwing themselves at me, and…I caught a lot of them. It was fun, and everybody knew the rules.”
“The rules?”
“That it’s not something serious. It’s not a relationship, or anything, it’s just fun.”
“Sex,” I clarified.
He shrugged uncomfortably. “Yeah. Usually. But always with protection. I was always really careful about that.”
“How many…” I started, but I caught myself. “No. I don’t want to know.” At least the conversation had clarified one thing for me. “I’m not like that. I mean, these girls… I’m not going to call them what you call them, I don’t think. I mean, is it an insult? It sounds like an insult.”
“Puck bunny? I don’t know. Like I said, it’s the most polite word I know for them.”
“But they’re not, like, a club. They’re individual people. Calling them all by the same name, it seems… I don’t like it.”
He frowned thoughtfully. “Okay. Most of the girls I’ve gone out with have a habit of sleeping with hockey players. Is that better?”
“And you have a habit of sleeping with lots of girls,” I said pointedly.
He nodded slowly, accepting responsibility. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“I’m not like that.” I honestly hadn’t been sure until I heard myself say the words, but once they were out of my mouth I knew they were true. I liked Tyler, a lot, but I’d seen too much of Will to let myself turn into Natalie. “If that’s at all what you’re expecting, then, yeah, I guess you should walk me home now, because it’s not going to happen.”
But he shook his head. “No. That’s not what I’m expecting. You’re not a…” He stopped and frowned at me, searching for more acceptable words. “That’s not what I expect from you.”
“But it’s what people expect from you,” I said slowly, thinking of Miranda’s accusations. “And if I’m with you…”
“The guys know. When I told them you were my friend, they knew. It’s like a code, kind of. That’s why Winslow offered you a cooler—the keg’s good enough for—” he caught himself again, shook his head in frustration, and said, “good enough for some people. But girlfriends get coolers.”
I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. Hearing the word girlfriend come out of his mouth, referring to me, should have made me ecstatic. But the ridiculous ranking of human beings, the matter-of-fact way he was talking about all the casual sex he’d had…it was overwhelming. “Okay,” I said. “I’m still freaking out a bit. I mean, I like you. I’ve had fun with you. But I don’t know if I’m ready for something like this. You know?”
“I should have kept you to myself,” he said quietly. “We could have gone swimming, and driven up the peninsula, and kept running together. I should have kept you away from all this crap.”
“It was just a matter of time,” I said slowly. “School starts soon, and lord knows Miranda’s been looking for any excuse to trash you. I would have found out sooner or later.”
“But later would have been better. I would have had more time to prove to you that I’m past that.”
“Are you? Why? I mean, if it was so much fun, why do you want to quit?”
He frowned at me. “I want something different, I guess. I don’t need to have fun all the time, not if it’s getting in the way of something bigger. Screwing around with…whatever you want to call them…it was fine while it lasted, but now I want something more.”
He was saying all the right things. But I wasn’t sure if it was enough. “My head’s spinning,” I confessed. “I think I should go home. Thanks for thinking of me tonight.” Saying the words was hard, but once they were out, I felt better. Going home was an excellent idea, and I started determinedly toward the shore.
Tyler followed
after me. “I’ll walk you,” he said.
“No, you don’t have to.”
“We don’t have to talk. Or, if you don’t want to be seen with me, I can walk half a block behind, or something. But I should walk you, or you should call your dad for a ride. It’s Friday night, and there’s lots of drunk assholes out looking for trouble.”
“And what about the other girls? Who’s going to make sure they get home safely?”
He snorted in exasperation. “They can get home the same way they got out, just like you can. I can’t be responsible for everyone, Karen, but I should be responsible for you. I asked you to come, so I should see you home.”
He really did seem like a decent guy. And a total slut who used girls like they were toys. I had no idea what to do with the contradiction.
So we walked home in silence, and I tried not to miss the feel of his fingers wrapped around mine. When we got to the sidewalk in front of the house, we stopped walking and he said, “I missed running today because we had fitness testing at practice; I needed to save my energy. But I’ll be there tomorrow. Will you be there?”
“I have no idea,” I said, and I turned and walked slowly toward the house.
Chapter Fourteen
- Karen -
“You’re back early,” Natalie said when I slipped through the back door into the kitchen. “Matt just left, and you’re already home? Was it not fun?” The words were light, but she was watching me closely, as if she expected something much worse than just not fun.
Miranda was sitting with her at the table, and they both had bowls with the remnants of what looked like ice cream sundaes in front of them. Apparently when these girls had a heart-to-heart, they didn’t mess around. Miranda kept her eyes on her spoon.
“It was okay,” I said noncommittally. “But I didn’t know anyone, and it got to be a bit much.”
“You want to sit down with us? Have some ice cream?”
Miranda’s glare at her mother was hard to miss.
“No, thanks. I’ll just go to bed, I think.”
“Karen…” Natalie started. She looked at Miranda, then back at me. “I think we need to talk about Tyler.”
“Because Miranda doesn’t like him? He’s been nothing but sweet to me.” It was strange how fast my own hesitations were overwhelmed by my urge to prove Miranda wrong.
Natalie nodded slowly. “That’s important. And good to know. But you’re new to town, and I just want to make sure you have all the facts before you make any decisions that could affect your time here.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
Miranda stood abruptly. “I don’t need to be here for this,” she said. It looked like her eyes were filling again.
“Okay,” Natalie said slowly. “But it might be good if you and Karen talked about it at some point.”
“Like she’d listen,” Miranda sneered. “She thinks—”
“Stop,” Natalie said firmly. “We’re not doing that anymore. No more talking about other people, no more saying what someone else thinks when you don’t know for sure.”
Miranda glared at her mother, then shrugged. “Fine. I’m going to bed, then. Have fun with your talk. I’m sure it’ll go really well.”
She stomped out of the room, and Natalie looked up at me with a tight, tired smile. “Sit?”
I sat. “I’m not even your kid,” I said. “You’re stuck sorting through all this crap, and Will isn’t even helping. Doesn’t that piss you off?”
The smile shifted from tight to absolutely rigid. “Let’s focus on you, for now.”
“So, you can poke into my business, but I’d better stay the hell out of yours?” It wasn’t like I was actually interested in the intricacies of her marriage, but the double standard seemed like something we could acknowledge.
And she did just that. “Exactly,” she said. “So, Tyler. I don’t really know him. I know he’s a star player and everyone thinks he’s heading for the big leagues, and I’ve met him at a few team functions, but that’s about it.”
“He’s nice,” I said defensively.
“And cute,” she added.
I decided it might be time for a little pushing. “Cute is for puppies. Tyler MacDonald is hot.”
“And from what I’m hearing, he takes advantage of that fact.” She didn’t sound judgmental, exactly, but it didn’t feel like she was celebrating his resourcefulness, either.
“From what I saw tonight, being good looking is just the icing. The cake is being a hockey player. This town is kind of insane about that team.” That was true. There had been quite a few guys around the team keg who were no kind of handsome, and they’d still been getting plenty of attention.
“Either way,” Natalie said carefully, “Tyler’s had a lot of experience with girls. He’s been seen with a lot of girls.” She seemed to be searching for the right words.
I decided to help her out. “He’s had sex with a lot of girls.”
“Sounds like it.” She looked down at her bowl as if she wished there was still ice cream in it.
“So?” I made it sound like a challenge, but really I think I was asking for her opinion. What was I supposed to feel, now that I knew this about Tyler?
She looked up at me, her expression sincere. “So is that the kind of boy you want to be with? To be seen with? You’re new to town, and the situation is unusual enough that people are curious. If they see you with someone like that, they’re going to make assumptions about you that may not be accurate. But the opinions can last a long time, even after…”
“Even after Tyler dumps me?”
“Or you dump him, or whatever happens. It sounds like he’s not much good at long-term relationships. And maybe that’s fine. He’s a teenage boy, and he’s probably dazzled by the bright future everyone is promising; I’m not expecting him to be settling down and getting serious. But it’d be a shame for you to ruin your reputation over someone you might not even be talking to next week.”
“Ruin my reputation?” She’d been trying to be tactful, but she’d taken it too far. “What is this, the fifties?”
“It’s a small town, Karen. You don’t have the same kind of anonymity that you had in Toronto. Your reputation is a real thing up here, and it’s fragile.”
“Wow. It’s nice to know your family cares about that. Except Miranda’s already told the whole town I’m a bitch, so I guess my reputation’s already in trouble; they might as well think I’m a slut, too.” And since Natalie wasn’t quick to respond, I added, “Is all of this crap that you’re hearing about Tyler coming from Miranda? What is her problem with him, anyway?”
Natalie didn’t answer, but there was something about the way she didn’t answer that suddenly made things clear.
“She slept with him,” I said. It felt like the words were coming from outside of me. “She’s been going around calling him a slut—”
“We don’t use that word!” Natalie almost yelled. She looked toward the front hall, where the stairs led to the upper floor. Luckily, there was no sign of Miranda. “Nobody’s a ‘slut’. It’s an ugly word, and there’s no need to judge other people based on personal decisions they’ve made.”
“Unless it’s Tyler. It’s okay to judge him.” It was easier to be angry than confused.
“If someone’s made the same decision, time and time again, it would be naïve to expect them to make a different decision at the next opportunity. That’s all.”
“Maybe it’s the same decision I’ve made. Maybe it’d be fine for the town to think I’m easy, because maybe I am.”
“I’m not sure ‘easy’ is any better than ‘slut,’ really,” she mused. I guess it was simpler to worry about the words instead of the idea of what I’d said. She seemed to realize she was wimping out and shrugged her way back to the topic at hand. “You’re here. School starts in a few days, and you’ll meet all kinds of new people. I’m not going to try to tell you what to do, but I hope you’ll think about it. I’m sorry Miranda has s
aid things about you that you don’t like, and—”
“Wait a second. That I don’t like, as if I’m being oversensitive or something? She totally slammed me. And that wasn’t enough, so now she’s got you picking on Tyler. It’s bullshit to call me naïve for thinking he might make different decisions; sometimes, people change, and it’s not naïve to give them a chance.” I stood up. “I don’t give a shit what your precious town thinks about me. The only person in this whole place who’s been nice to me is Tyler. He’s given me a chance, and I am absolutely going to do the same with him.”
Natalie nodded slowly. “We’ve made a mess of this,” she said, almost to herself. She looked up at me as if I had something she needed. “We had the best of intentions.” She frowned. “I had the best of intentions.” Another frown, before the last one had even faded away. “For Will. For me, and the family.” She looked up at me again. “I thought he needed to take responsibility for you. Before the accident, he’d always sent child support, but that was just…it wasn’t even a check, just an automatic withdrawal from the bank account. I used to think of it as an irresponsibility tax. I wanted him to get to know you, as a person, and to be a better father. To realize that he’d created a life and should be involved with it. But I didn’t give enough thought to how all this would affect you.”
It should have been a moment of victory for me, but it didn’t really feel that way. I sat back down. “It’s not your fault,” I said. “It’s not like I had anywhere else to go.”
“Not boarding school? Or staying with friends? I recall you suggesting both of those options.”
“Staying with friends?” I have no idea why, but apparently I’d decided to be honest. “I only had one close friend, and she’s in Israel for the year, living with her dad. Her mom’s taking most of the year to travel. So, no, I couldn’t actually stay with friends.” Natalie’s face was carefully neutral, and I couldn’t tell what she was hoping to hear me say. “It might not be too late for boarding school, though, if you want to get rid of me.”
Center Ice (Entangled Crush) (Corrigan Falls Raiders) Page 9