by Tia Siren
I stood there, put my face to the sky, and shouted in frustration.
She had done it again. She had made me fall in love with her and had no intention of loving me back. I was such an idiot. I was a grown man still acting like a lovesick schoolboy. I couldn’t blame her for this one. This was on me. I should have known better. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It was a saying I had repeated to myself a million times, but that was clearly not enough. I still didn’t get it.
I had let her use me for sex, and I’d let my heart get involved. I should have kept my distance. I never should have let her get to me that first day in the office. I’d been such an idiot.
Never again. I vowed to show her what it was like to not have me as a friend. The benefits of that friendship would cease as well. No more quick fucks whenever she was in the mood. If she wanted to play games, I could play, too. Jasper was my son and I would have shared custody. I had a feeling that had been her ploy all along: distract me with sex so I wouldn’t have my lawyer draw up those custody papers.
It had worked. I could admit it. The woman was highly addicting. I was addicted to her body. I thought we could be mature adults and work out an agreement that benefited all of us. I thought back to her inviting herself to dinner. She had done all of it on purpose.
I laughed out loud as I slowly jogged down the hill. I had been such a fool. I had thought we were really starting something good. She was a smooth operator. I guessed she had gotten her revenge after all. She was pissed about her daddy’s farm and had found a way to get me back.
This wasn’t over. I would make her regret toying with my emotions.
By the time I got to my truck, I was sweating and in desperate need of a shower. I drove home, my mind still preoccupied with Ashley, and I almost didn’t notice the child on my doorstep.
I was about to the door before I saw him. At first I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me. It was warm and I hadn’t taken any water with me in my rush to get to the trail. I had to be hallucinating.
“Jasper?” I asked in disbelief, looking around for Ashley.
“Hi, Dad,” he greeted.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to visit.”
I checked the street, looking for Tanner’s truck, and didn’t see it. “How did you get here, Jasper?”
He shrugged his shoulders and pushed his glasses up his nose. “I walked.”
I blinked. Had he just said he had walked? That couldn’t have been right.
“Walked from where, Jasper?”
“The farm.”
“You walked from the farm? By yourself?” I said, my voice frantic with belated worry.
He nodded and stood up, dusting off his backside. “I’m thirsty. Can I have some water?”
I shook my head. Holy hell. The kid had walked from the farm. It had to be close to four miles from my house to the farm.
“Yes! Come inside. Does your mom know you left?”
He shrugged. I knew the lack of a yes or no answer meant a definite no. Ashley was going to be furious and freaked out.
“How did you know how to get here?” I asked him, realizing he had never been to my house.
“Grandpa showed me once. His friend lives nearby. We went there a couple days ago so I remembered the way.”
My mind was boggled. I didn’t know whether to hug him or spank him. It had been incredibly daring of him, and dangerous.
“I need to call your mom and grandpa. I have a feeling they are going to be very worried about you, young man,” I scolded.
“Oh, don’t tell Mom. She’s going to be mad I went for a walk,” he said, his eyes welling with tears.
“Jasper, she is going to be scared. I bet you she is searching that farm for you right now. We have to get you home. Here, drink some water, and I’m going to change really quick.”
I debated calling Ashley, but I had a feeling that conversation would not go well. A text message seemed a little inappropriate for the situation. My best bet was to get the kid home as quickly as possible.
“Feeling better?” I asked him, sitting down to put my shoes on.
He nodded his head. “You have to talk to Mom. I heard her tell Grandpa she didn’t want to see you no more. Why?”
I grimaced, not wanting to show him my frustration with his mother’s choices. “I don’t know, kid. I really don’t know.”
“How come you guys can’t be friends? How come we don’t all live in the same place?”
Both of those questions were loaded. The kid had to know it was normal to have parents who weren’t together in this day and age.
“I don’t know, buddy. I don’t think your mom wants to be friends.”
He eyed me carefully. “Do you want to be her friend?”
“I do, but it isn’t up to me. Both people have to want to be friends. It can’t just be one person.”
“I think you need to go tell her you want to be friends,” he said with authority.
I laughed. If only it were that easy. “I think we need to get you home and then me and your mom will worry about being friends. Right now she is going to be too worried about you to even think about friends.”
“Okay. She is going to be real mad. You have to go with me.”
“I’ll be right there. I’m the guy that has to drive you, remember?”
He grinned.
I got him buckled in the truck and knew Ashley would be pissed I didn’t have him in one of those booster seat things, but it wasn’t like I had been expecting to take the kid for a ride. I drove out to the farm, doing my best to be extra cautious. She would kill me if I got in a wreck on the way out there.
I turned down the dirt driveway and braced myself.
“You ready?” I asked Jasper.
He made a weird face. “I’m going to be in so much trouble.”
I bit back a laugh. Yes, he was, and I was glad Ashley would be the one doing the disciplining in this situation. I would probably put a leash on him and stake him to the front yard. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through—assuming she knew he was gone.
Chapter 33
Ashley
“Jasper!” I shouted again. I had walked into the corn, which had grown a great deal in the past couple weeks. It was definitely taller than Jasper and would hide him from me if he was out there playing in the field.
“Jasper!” I screamed again, trying to fight the panic racing through my body.
My legs felt like rubber as I pushed stalks aside, looking toward the ground, praying I would see his little feet. I had been all over the farm and not been able to find him. My dad had taken the truck into town early this morning, so I was by myself, trying to search the farm. It was a daunting task.
“Jasper Tanner Parks! This is not funny! Get your butt over here right now!” I shouted.
I stopped moving and waited for his response. Nothing.
“Okay, okay,” I said aloud. “Where would he go?”
The barn. I raced out of the corn and headed for the barn, to his favorite stall. He wasn’t there. I wanted to collapse, but I couldn’t. I was the only one who knew he was missing. I had to keep looking. I debated calling the sheriff’s department but felt silly. He was probably playing and I just couldn’t find him. They would come out and he would walk right out from wherever he was as if nothing had happened. The deputies would look at me as if I were crazy and decide I was a bad mom.
Who let their kid wander off? I had been working on editing my landscape pictures now that I was done with those from the shoot over the weekend. Jasper always stayed close. I had been keeping an eye on him, but when he disappeared from the porch, I had assumed he had gone off to dig in the dirt. It was only after I realized I hadn’t seen him in a while that I thought to check on him. It had been incredibly stupid and neglectful. I would never forgive myself.
He was gone. Just like that he was gone. I checked my watch and realized I had been searching the farm for over an
hour. It was time to call the police. My son was gone.
I heard a car coming up the driveway and turned to see Brock’s truck. Great. As if I needed anyone else to tell me what a horrible mother I was. As much as I didn’t want to tell him I had lost our son, I needed his help and support.
I ran toward the truck, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. Then I saw Jasper’s head in the back seat of the extended cab.
“What the hell!” I shouted, running to the passenger side. I tried to open the door while the truck was still moving, but the door was locked.
Brock threw the truck into park and jumped out.
“Brock! Are you serious? You can’t just come and take him whenever you feel like it!” I screamed, yanking the door open and frantically unbuckling Jasper’s belt.
“I didn’t,” he said in a calm voice.
His calm demeanor enraged me. I had been out of my mind with fear and here he was all calm, cool, and collected.
“You will pay for this. You will never see him.”
“Mom, calm down,” Jasper said, squirming in my arms.
I stomped toward the house, carrying my son as I went. The kid was getting too big for me to carry, but I couldn’t let him go.
“Ashley,” Brock started.
I spun around. “Stay away from me! I can’t believe you did this. I turn you down and you kidnap my son!”
“MOM!” Jasper yelled.
I blinked and looked at him before setting him down on the bottom step of the porch. “What?” I asked with a great deal of frustration.
“Dad didn’t kidnap me! I ran away!”
I stared at my five-year-old son in shock. “You did what?”
“I ran away. I went to Dad’s house and he brought me back here,” he said, wincing as he said the words.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You ran away, Jasper? Why would you run away?”
“Because I wanted to see my dad and you told Grandpa we couldn’t see him anymore,” he said.
I took a deep breath. “Jasper Tanner Parks, get your butt inside and plant it on the couch. We are going to talk about this. Don’t you move. Don’t you play with anything. You sit there and think about what you did,” I ordered.
He turned and walked up the steps. I watched his little shoulders droop as he went inside the house. I took a few seconds to compose myself before turning to face Brock. It was time to eat crow.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. “I couldn’t find him and then you showed up here and I assumed you were mad at me and took him.”
He shook his head. “You’re unbelievable, Ashley. That is something you would do—you know, take a kid from his parent to punish the parent.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“You’re damn lucky I came home when I did. He was sitting on my front steps. I gave him water and then brought him straight home. I didn’t encourage him. I told him what he did was wrong.”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak. All the adrenaline that had been racing through my system evaporated. I felt weak and drained. All the emotions hit me at once. Tears ran down my face. Brock took several long strides toward me and wrapped me in his arms. He held me as I wept without saying a word.
When I could speak, I apologized once again. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe he did that. Did he say why he ran away?”
I felt his chest inflate with a deep breath before relaxing. “He overheard you talking to your dad, I guess. He thought you weren’t going to let him see me because you didn’t want to be friends. He panicked and ran.”
I had to laugh. He was his mother’s child. I panicked and I ran. We were going to have to work on that. I knew Brock recognized the irony but was kind enough not to point it out.
“Why, Ash? Why can’t we be friends?”
I stepped back and looked into those blue eyes that always made me feel all gooey inside. “Look, what we went through the first time, Brock—I know you think I ran away and life was all grand for me, but it wasn’t. It took me a long time to get over you. I don’t want to go through that same heartache again.”
“We could have worked through it, Ashley. That’s how relationships work. You come up against hard times and you have to fight to stay together. You lean on each other. You figure out how to move on—together. You don’t run away.”
“I know. I mean, I know that now. I don’t want to hurt you, Brock. I really don’t. I didn’t set out to come back into your life and hurt you,” I said, a fresh wave of tears coming over me.
He pulled me back into his arms and held me while I cried. Once again, I composed myself and stepped away.
“Why would you want me anyway?” I asked. “I’m a mess.”
He laughed. “One hot mess. Just the way I like you.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe you think this is a good thing. I’m a total wreck. I want you, I don’t want you; I attack you and then I push you away. I was thinking Anna was the one who was a bit crazy, but now I wonder if I’m the crazy one.”
I looked at him, expecting him to assure me that wasn’t the case at all, but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. I had been stomping all over the man for the past half decade. I had been awful to him. I didn’t deserve his patience or forgiveness.
“Ashley, you are the only one who can decide what you want,” he said. “But I will say this: I’m not a yo-yo. I will not keep playing these games with you. I am too old and too tired to keep doing this back and forth.”
I nodded. “I know. You’re right, which is why I said I couldn’t go out with you tonight.”
“You need to figure it out, not just for my sake, but for Jasper’s as well. He’s confused. Your mixed signals gave him false hope that he was going to have a big happy family. Then you yanked that away from him. It isn’t me that is wavering, Ashley. It’s you. You say you don’t want to put Jasper through the on-and-off-again bullshit. Then don’t. It’s your choice. I’m here and I am willing to try, but I won’t be used. I won’t wait forever, and I won’t go down this road again.”
I looked into his eyes and knew he meant every word. He had just laid down an ultimatum.
“Brock, I—”
He held up his hand. “I have to get to work. You call me when you figure it out.”
I watched as he got into his truck and drove away. I made it to the front porch before I collapsed in one of the chairs and bawled my eyes out. I couldn’t seem to stop making these horrible choices. Brock was a good man. He was good looking, kind, and responsible. He was everything a woman looked for in a man. He was a good dad, too.
Though I had no idea what I was doing, I knew he was right. I had to get my shit together. I was going to end up scarring Jasper for life if I continued this push-and-pull thing with Brock. Jasper needed his father in his life, and I needed to figure out how that relationship was going to work between the three of us before Brock took matters into his own hands.
He had been patient long enough. That lawyer was ready and waiting to spring. Billable hours were billable hours. He would likely be pressuring Brock to go after me for joint custody. I couldn’t choose to be with Brock to avoid a custody battle, but I could choose Brock because I wanted to be with him.
It was truly up to me. I wiped my face and pulled myself together. I needed to go deal with my son. I had to get across the dangers of running away. I was so glad we lived where we did. If we had been in the city and he had gotten this wild, things could have ended up very differently.
“Jasper,” I called as I stepped into the house. “Come in the kitchen. We’re going to talk over some milk and cookies.”
He shuffled into the kitchen, his head hanging low in shame. I hugged him. The fear of never hugging him again had been crippling. I had decided I would hug him a lot more often as soon as I saw him again. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he was shrugging off my hugs. I had to take advantage of every opportunity I could before that day came. I was still bigger than him and would tackle him
to the ground to hug him.
“I love you,” I told him.
“I love you too, Mom. I’m sorry I ran away.”
“I know you are, but we need to talk about what you’ll do the next time you’re mad at me. I’m sure it’s going to happen plenty often, and we need to find a better way to handle it.”
Chapter 34
Brock
It was a slow day at the office. The phone hadn’t rung once and I had nothing to do. I had reviewed the proposal several times. It was a sit-and-wait game to see if the seller would accept the terms of the offer I’d put in. I had already scanned the MLS and the foreclosure reports. Nothing. Nothing that sparked my interest. I doubted anything could excite me at this point. I was in a funk. I knew it was because of what had happened yesterday. I didn’t like waiting for Ashley to make a decision. I shouldn’t have given her that kind of power.
I doodled on a piece of paper before giving in. I wasn’t feeling it, and I could tell Anna was preoccupied as well. I had tried to make small talk with her earlier, but she had been distant, as if there were about a million things on her mind and I wasn’t one of them. There was no point in both of us sitting in the office being miserable if there was nothing to do. I needed to break free and had a feeling it would do Anna some good as well.
I walked out to the desk where she was sitting and staring out the window. “Anna?”
“Hmm?” she asked without looking away from whatever had caught her eye.
“Want to get out of here?”
She blinked and turned to look at me. “What?”
“I don’t want to be here. It doesn’t look like you want to be here. There is nothing on the calendar. I say we close up and take the rest of the day off.”
“I can’t afford to miss the hours,” she replied. “What did you need me to do? I didn’t realize I was supposed to be doing something.”
“Nothing. That’s the point. There isn’t anything to do—nothing that can’t wait another day,” I said.
She eyed me with suspicion. “Are you planning to sneak off with my sister?”
“No,” I said vehemently. “Definitely not.”