“I don’t know what to do.” Carly searched Jack’s eyes, finding no answers but drawing comfort from the love that shone from within. “Is she really upset that I have a date?” Ray had been uncomfortable with her sexuality, but Carly thought they were over that. “I guess she’s never seen it in real life, though,” she said quietly. Maybe the thought of her going on a date with a woman was too much for Ray to handle.
Carly pulled away from Jack and stared out at the bright afternoon sunshine. She was exhausted. Blinking back tears, she squeezed the back of her neck hard, trying to pull herself together. Things had been so much easier when Nadia was alive. These were the moments when she missed her the most. When she needed someone to hold her and tell her everything would be all right.
Jack perked up, then jumped off the couch so he could run to the door. The knock came a moment later. “Dr. Warner? Do you have a moment?” Jack’s tail wagged fiercely at the sound of Dr. Patterson’s voice.
Carly swiped at her eyes, then slipped her shoes on. “Yes, come in.”
Dr. Patterson opened the door, offering Jack a greeting just as enthusiastic as the one he received. He grinned at Carly as he scratched Jack’s neck with two hands. “I know you’re en route to an appointment, but I was hoping you could offer me a consult.”
Carly was flattered. Patterson had thirty-three years of experience on her, but from the moment he’d hired her he always made it obvious that he valued her opinion. He was clearly grooming her to take over the practice when he retired. From the growing pile of travel guides she’d spotted in his office, she guessed that would be soon.
“I’d love to, Dr. Patterson.” Carly thanked him silently for his timing. Since Nadia had been killed, work was the one thing that could take her mind off everything she couldn’t control. Right now escape was exactly what she needed.
*
Ray shook as she hung up the phone. Carly was going on a date. Tonight. With a woman. She didn’t know what upset her more: the idea of Carly going out with a stranger or the fact that it bothered her.
She touched Jagger’s back to help ground herself before her emotions spiraled out of control. Grief welled in her chest, so painful that she gasped. It was more than grief. Ray didn’t even know how to name it, but she needed to lie down before she fell down.
Using Jagger for support, she began the long walk to her bedroom. So Carly was going on a date. What the fuck was her problem with that? She couldn’t expect Carly to live like a nun just so she would have a dinner guest whenever she wanted one. Especially when she had been the one avoiding Carly’s phone calls recently.
Breaking down in front of Carly had been embarrassing. And she was terrified to explore the thoughts that had triggered her. So Ray decided that she needed distance to clear her head. Even if it meant not seeing Carly for a few days. Some plan. This had been her worst week in a long time.
And now this. A few days apart and Carly found a girlfriend.
She was immediately shamed. That was fucking selfish. Carly had a life, after all. Like she was going to spend all her time with Ray, who could hardly offer her what her date would.
Ray banged open her bedroom door and walked to her bed, dropping onto the mattress face-first. Jagger jumped up next to her and lay at her side. Angry with herself, Ray rolled to face him.
“I’m sure she wants to get laid occasionally, like a normal person.” Ray’s heart constricted at her harsh words. When she had been normal, she’d enjoyed fucking. How could she begrudge Carly the same pleasures? Was she jealous Carly could do something she wasn’t sure she was capable of anymore?
Ray dug deep. It wasn’t because Carly would be fucking a woman, was it? But this wasn’t about Carly’s sexuality. Not even close. In a moment of clarity that sucker-punched her in the gut, Ray understood something that had been niggling at her for weeks now. It wasn’t that Carly was seeing a woman. Ray wanted to be that woman.
She closed her eyes and let the realization sink in. Her heart thudded, and her breathing caught. Jagger whined loudly, then shoved his heavy head beneath her arm, lifting it from the bed. Ray snapped out of the panic attack she had barely even recognized, then hugged Jagger.
“Thank you,” she whispered. Ray started her breathing exercises without letting go of Jagger, drawing from his calm strength. I need to deal with the present. Stay in the present, no negative predictions. Ray exhaled slowly, then examined what she was feeling in that moment.
She loved Carly Warner. That much she had known for a while. It made sense, in a way. Carly was her best friend. Ray didn’t want to imagine life without her. She was happiest when they were together.
But was she in love with Carly Warner? Ray thought about that day on the beach with Carly and the panic attack. Though she had been trying hard not to dwell on it, she knew what had triggered her—thoughts of kissing Carly and the strange pull of arousal that the fantasy had conjured.
Ray let her mind play with that thought again, determined not to get upset. She remembered what it felt like to kiss Danny, then tried to imagine doing the same thing with Carly. Once upon a time Ray had absolutely loved kissing. The lips and tongue, the give and take. Carly’s mouth would be softer than Danny’s. So would her body. What would it be like to touch Carly’s breasts?
Her heart was racing again, but this time fear wasn’t the culprit. Ray’s face burned. She was aroused, plain and simple. Carly’s body had felt supple and inviting pressed against her own during their hug on the beach. What if Ray hadn’t pulled away? What if instead she had brought her lips to Carly’s? Would Carly have kissed her back?
The inevitable answer shattered Ray’s fantasy. Why would Carly want to kiss her? Ray could barely go grocery shopping, let alone be a satisfactory sexual partner. Even if she could manage a relationship, she hardly knew how to please a woman. Her only lover had been her high-school boyfriend. “And let’s face it,” Ray said aloud, stomach churning, “Carly deserves the best.”
No doubt Leeann’s friend was a great kisser. Amazing in the bedroom. Attractive, smart, funny, and above all, normal. As though Ray, with her gimp leg and psychological condition, could compete. Emotion rose in her throat again, and this time Ray let the sadness carry her away.
Leave it to her to fall in love with someone who could never love her back.
Chapter Fourteen
Carly pressed on the gas pedal, nudging her car’s speed up another five miles per hour. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel, wary of taking the tight curves of Highway 1 so quickly. But she would risk it, if she could get to Ray’s house any faster.
Three days. That’s how long it had been since they spoke. Carly had called multiple times, left voice mails ranging from casual to concerned, and even broke down and sent two e-mails. And she received no response. Not even a one-word reply to let her know that Ray was all right.
Though they’d barely spoken since that day on the beach, at least before her date Ray returned her phone calls. They might have been trading voice mails, but at least she knew Ray was alive. Now it was as though Ray had simply vanished. She could understand one day of no contact. By the second day, she was mildly concerned. After three days, Carly had a hard time convincing herself that something wasn’t very wrong.
Their last phone call hadn’t gone well. Ray hadn’t done a good job of hiding her reaction to the news of Carly’s date, though Carly wasn’t entirely certain what that reaction meant. Clearly Ray hadn’t liked the idea, whether she didn’t want to hear about Carly being with a woman or because she was jealous of someone else taking her attention. Either way, Carly didn’t like it.
Jack sat in the passenger seat, and as always, she was grateful he was there to play the role of therapist. “I don’t know what she wants me to do,” Carly told him. “I have to start dating again at some point.” It didn’t help that she would have rather spent that evening with Ray. Jessica from IT was nice, but she wasn’t Ray McKenna. On the other hand, at least Jessica had
the potential to return her feelings, if Carly ever developed any. Loving Ray was not only pointless, it was painful. And it had to end, no matter how impossible that seemed.
Of course, Ray’s silence might have nothing to do with Carly’s dating life. Maybe something had happened to her. Who would Ray have listed as an emergency contact if she had been in an accident? Or what if—God forbid—Ray had harmed herself? Things had been a little rough lately, but Ray had been improving tremendously. An icy shard of dread pierced her throat, making it hard to breathe.
Please don’t let her have given up.
Carly floored the accelerator as hard as she dared, now less than a mile from Ray’s house. If something had happened and she got there too late, she would never forgive herself.
When Carly pulled up to Ray’s house and spotted her truck in the driveway, she felt relief. There hadn’t been a car accident, at least. Carly exhaled, not realizing until that moment how intense that fear had been. After Nadia, unanswered phone calls seemed to hint at tragic consequences.
She parked quickly and called Jack out of the car behind her, anxious to knock on the door. Jack sprinted ahead to the porch, looking like she felt. Desperate to get inside, to see his friends.
Carly stepped onto the front porch, noting a slight movement through the front window. A shadow, probably in the den, too tall to be Jagger. Relief surged through Carly’s veins, followed by a dose of anger.
So Ray was alive. Why was she avoiding Carly’s calls?
Carly banged on the front door. “Ray?”
The shadow went still.
When Ray made no move to approach the door, Carly knocked again. “Ray, I know you’re in there. Please open up.” Carly’s anger dissipated in a flash and sad confusion took its place, filling her eyes with tears. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but please let’s talk about it.”
After a moment, the shadow disappeared from her line of sight. Carly tilted her head, listening for footsteps. She heard the jingling of Jagger’s tags first, then the clomping of his enormous paws. Straightening up, Carly wiped her eyes, not wanting Ray to see her cry. She was pathetic enough, being in love with a straight woman. She needed to be strong. If Ray didn’t want to be her friend anymore, she couldn’t do anything about it.
Ray opened the door and fixed her with an emotionless gaze. Jack went crazy with excitement, circling Ray and sniffing her hand, then he moved to greet Jagger in the same fashion. Ray patted his side but said nothing. She wore track pants and a sleeveless army green T-shirt. Her toned arms were slick with sweat, and she was breathing hard. Carly guessed she had been working out, and her anger flared up again.
Three days of silence, and Ray answered the door perfectly healthy and so sexy that Carly ached. Worse, she was staring at Carly like she barely recognized her.
“Hey.” Carly controlled her tone, wanting to give Ray the benefit of the doubt. “You’re alive.”
Ray smiled tightly. “I am. Sorry I haven’t had a chance to call you back.”
Carly put her hands on her hips and bit her lip to quell the frustration that raged inside her. “I was worried about you.”
Sorrow flickered across Ray’s face, quickly replaced by a stoic mask. “I’m okay. I just needed some time alone.”
“Oh.” Carly looked down at her feet, unsure how much she should press the issue. Ray was dealing with a lot, after all. Maybe this was normal for her. Maybe Carly needed not to expect the same things from Ray that she would expect from other friends. After all, Ray wasn’t like anyone else she knew. “I was concerned I did something to upset you.” Searching Ray’s eyes for confirmation, she said, “It seemed like everything was okay until I told you about my date.”
Ray stiffened. “Sometimes I just need time alone. To think.”
But this wasn’t just about alone time. Carly could hear it in Ray’s voice. “You couldn’t just tell me you needed some space? You’ve been avoiding me. I was worried about you.” Ray betrayed no reaction to her words, and Carly’s heart sank. “I thought we were closer than this.”
“We are close.” Ray’s voice wavered, and she finally broke eye contact. “You know that.”
“I don’t feel very close to you right now.” Carly yearned to reach out and touch Ray’s arm but wasn’t sure that would be a good idea. She craved some confirmation that she hadn’t imagined how close she thought they had become. “I feel like I did something wrong and you won’t tell me what it is.”
Ray’s jaw tightened. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Is this about me being a lesbian?” Carly’s heart rate picked up. That was the question she needed to ask, but she feared the answer. She didn’t know how they would move forward if Ray couldn’t accept her sexuality. “I know you said you were cool with it, but that was before I actually went on a date.”
“I’m fine with you being a lesbian.” Ray gave her a pained smile. “Really.”
“Then what is it?” Carly knew she was coming dangerously close to pleading for an answer, but she didn’t care. She hurt when Ray wasn’t in her life. Though the implications of that fact were far too terrifying to explore, it was true. If Ray was prepared to end their friendship, she at least wanted to know why. “Just tell me, Ray. If you care about me at all, tell me what’s going on.”
Ray lowered her hand so it rested on Jagger’s back, a sign that Ray was stressed, and so Carly exhaled, trying to calm herself. Propelling Ray into a panic attack wouldn’t help anything.
“I’m sorry,” Carly said softly. “I’m sorry if I’m pushing you too hard. And I’m sorry if I upset or disappointed you. That was never my intention.” She met Ray’s eyes. “If me dating does make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry about that too. But I can’t postpone my love life indefinitely.”
Ray flinched as though she had been struck. “I know that.” She braced herself against the door frame and stared into Carly’s eyes, obviously struggling with what to say next. “I was jealous.”
Carly felt the confession in the pit of her stomach, though she wasn’t entirely certain how she should interpret it. “Why?”
“Because—” Ray’s voice broke and she closed her mouth.
Carly held her breath as she waited for more. “You can talk to me, Ray. Please talk to me.”
“I was jealous because—” Visibly shaking, Ray curled a hand around the back of Carly’s neck. Before Carly could process what was happening, Ray gave her the sweetest kiss she had ever received.
Carly didn’t react. She felt frozen in place, terrified of somehow misinterpreting this gesture. Ray’s lips were soft and tasted faintly of salt, and she panted heavily, nervous or excited or possibly both. Carly’s legs trembled, and she put a hand on Ray’s bare arm to steady herself. When Ray didn’t retreat, but instead curled her other arm around Carly’s waist, enfolding her, a dam broke inside Carly.
She traced Ray’s lower lip with her tongue, unable to believe this was really happening. Ray parted her lips and found the tip of Carly’s tongue with her own. Carly moaned against her will, no longer in control of her body.
Ray tightened her hand on the back of Carly’s neck and pulled her inside the doorway, pressing her against the foyer wall. She kept Carly close, smashing their breasts together as she deepened the kiss. She traced the side of Carly’s face with her free hand, as though trying to memorize its shape.
Carly had never imagined this side of Ray, which was breathtaking. Ray was probably acting on pure instinct. She cradled Ray’s face in her hands, afraid that the kiss would be over too soon and Ray would regain her senses. What if Ray realized that she didn’t enjoy kissing women?
Ray broke away with a gasp and stepped back, leaving Carly cold where their bodies had touched. “I’m so sorry,” Ray said, red-faced. “I didn’t mean to…I’m sorry.”
Carly managed a weak laugh. Light-headed, she sagged against the wall where Ray had placed her. “That’s not what I like to hear after a kiss like that.”
/>
“Maybe I’m not sorry,exactly. Just a little confused.”
“So am I.” Taking a chance, Carly put her hand on Ray’s arm again. She tried not to shiver when solid muscle flexed beneath her fingers. “But I’m not unhappy.”
Ray swayed on her feet. “Do you want to come in and sit down?”
“I think I’d better.”
*
Ray led Carly to the den, hardly able to believe that her legs functioned. Never in her life had she felt something so intense as that kiss. It made her kisses with Danny, as sweet as they were, seem like two kids playacting at being in love. This was the real thing, and it was with a woman.
Ray collapsed on one end of the couch, wishing she’d had time to shower. Carly had caught her lifting weights, her standard escape when she was stressed out. Three days of trying to stay away from Carly had been beyond stressful, and even the weights didn’t help. Only seeing Carly, then feeling her, eased the pain of separation.
Carly sat on the middle cushion, close without touching. She played with her fingernails as though she didn’t know what to do with her hands. She looked vulnerable and very young. “So what does this mean?”
Ray had never seen her like this and felt protective, even though she was the source of Carly’s uncertainty. “I don’t know what it means. I’m sorry for dropping this on you all at once.”
“No apologies.” Carly raised a trembling hand. “Not for that kiss.”
Ray searched for some way to explain how she had gained the courage to make such a move, but she barely understood it. “I can’t believe I did that.”
“Do you wish you hadn’t?”
Ray could hear the worry in her voice. “No. I’m just surprised.”
Carly chuckled. “Understatement.”
Battle Scars Page 11