She also wanted to believe that Ray wasn’t backsliding for some reason, even though she obviously was. But more than anything, Carly wanted to believe that she wasn’t the reason Ray no longer pushed herself to face the outside world.
Unfortunately, she wasn’t sure she could.
Chapter Twenty
Ray lay in bed with her cordless phone on the nightstand beside her. She had a book in her hands, but had given up on actually reading it twenty minutes ago. She could look at the same paragraph only so many times without paying attention to the words. Besides, the book was the last thing on her mind.
She glanced at the phone’s display to make sure the batteries hadn’t died. Nope. Fully charged. Then she looked at the clock. It was after eleven. Carly had said she should be back to her hotel room by now and would call as soon as she got there.
Sighing, Ray marked her page and put her book down. Then she threw her arm over her eyes, disgusted by how pathetic this was. She couldn’t remember needing another person so badly. And this wasn’t even sexual need, though that was certainly part of it. She needed Carly like she needed to breathe. Life with Carly seemed brighter, more exciting. Happy, even.
Life without Carly was boring. And empty.
Ray let her mind wander as she waited for the phone to ring and thought about the advice Dr. Evans had given her about sex two weeks ago. It was reasonable that she should practice being comfortable with her body again without Carly. She just wasn’t sure how to start.
That wasn’t true. She knew exactly where to start but wasn’t sure if she could bring herself to try.
Since when did masturbation seem so scary? She used to do this all the time. Even when she was a kid. How could something so familiar and so pleasurable frighten her now?
Ray let her hand rest on her stomach. She was a soldier, goddamn it. She had faced much scarier things than this and survived. This wasn’t a big deal. Stay in the present. No negative predictions.
She pushed her T-shirt up just under her breasts and stroked the bare skin around her belly button. She had been so disconnected from her body since Iraq, it felt foreign to touch it like this. Like she was touching a stranger.
What if she had lost the ability to enjoy her body along with the old Ray, another of the many things—her sense of safety in her world, her innocence—she didn’t know how to get back? She hadn’t even tried. What if she was broken in ways too devastating to face?
But now that she had found Carly, she owed it to both of them to deal with her sexual issues head-on. It was evidently a very good sign that Carly aroused her and that she even wanted sex for the first time since Archer had held her down on that bathroom floor. If she still desired it, maybe she would be able to achieve orgasm. Right?
Ray took a deep breath and slid her hand under the elastic waistband of her panties. Without letting herself think, she found her clit and stroked it gently. It was sensitive to the touch, almost unbearably so.
Ray startled when the phone rang and tore her hand from her panties. Willing her heart rate to slow, she fumbled the handset when she picked it up. “Hello?”
“Hey, sweetheart. Hope I didn’t wake you.”
At the sound of Carly’s voice, all the tension left Ray’s body. She hadn’t even realized how tightly wound she was until that moment. “Are you kidding me? I’ve been trying to stop staring at the phone and willing it to ring.”
Carly laughed. “I’ve been looking forward to hearing your voice, too. How was your day?”
“Great,” Ray said, though “adequate” was probably a fairer adjective. “I worked with Jack on agility for a while this afternoon, but it was pretty cold outside so we all decided to cuddle on the couch. We may have watched one too many Indiana Jones movies.”
“That sounds wonderful.”
“No day is wonderful without you. But it was pretty good.” Ray wished she had been brave enough to accompany Carly to the city but knew Carly wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t. “How was your day?”
“Long. The lectures were interesting, but I get tired of sitting in auditorium seats. I had dinner with Leeann, which was nice. Then she insisted on dragging me to this noisy club, which wasn’t as nice. My ears are still ringing.” Carly sighed. “I’m getting old. I used to love to go dancing, and now all I can think about is whether they need to turn the music up that loud.”
Ray laughed. “Thirty-two is hardly old.”
“Older than you.”
“Well, I don’t like loud music, either.” Who was Ray kidding? Even at twenty-five, the idea of being in a noisy dance club made her sick to her stomach. “Did you have fun, at least?”
“It was okay.” Carly cleared her throat. “To be honest, I spent most of the evening dodging Leeann’s attempts to hook me up with whatever available woman she could find.”
Ray swallowed her immediate reaction to Leeann’s obsession with getting Carly laid. It wasn’t fair to be annoyed by Leeann when she had asked Carly to keep their relationship a secret. What Leeann was doing for Carly had nothing to do with Ray.
Carly murmured, “Anyway, I’ve been waiting for this moment all day. I’ve gotten so used to your good-night kisses that this hotel bed seems awfully empty right now.”
“You’re in bed?” Ray’s frustration with Leeann melted away.
“Yeah. How about you?”
“I’m in bed, too.” Ray closed her eyes and put her hand back on her bare stomach, pretending that Carly was touching her. “Missing you.”
“I like the sound of that. Want to tell me more?”
Ray shivered at the arousal in Carly’s voice. She still wasn’t used to making Carly feel that way, and it was incredibly powerful. Ever since Dr. Evans asked if she was able to talk to Carly about sex, she’d imagined what it might be like. Maybe it would be easier over the phone.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Carly said, apparently taking Ray’s silence as a sign that a line had been crossed. “I miss you, too.”
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable.” Ray took a deep breath. “I was trying to work up the nerve to talk to you. About sex.”
“Oh.” Though Carly sounded cautious, her interest had obviously been piqued. “Something specific, or sex in general?”
Ray pulled her comforter over her head, embarrassed that this was so embarrassing. “Sex with you. With a woman. And me.”
“Ah.” Carly sounded like she might actually understand what Ray had just said. “You want to talk about what sex with a woman will be like?”
“Yes,” Ray said. Thank God Carly was able to translate her gibberish. “I mean, I probably know. But I’m not totally sure. My therapist suggested I try to get used to talking about it with you, so I figured—”
“No, that’s good. This is good.” Carly cleared her throat, then laughed nervously. “Apparently I have stage fright.”
“We don’t have to talk about it. I was just…thinking about it before you called.”
“I’ve been thinking about it, too.” Ray heard some rustling on Carly’s end of the phone. “Every time my mind wandered during that conference today, I was fantasizing about making love with you, actually.”
“Like how?” Ray uncovered her face and took a deep breath of cool air. “I mean, what were you imagining?”
“Kissing you, of course. How it felt when you touched my breasts that night. You have amazing hands. So strong. When I first met you I thought your hands looked delicate, so I was surprised that they’re so strong.”
Ray’s breathing picked up at the way Carly’s voice got lower. Arousal dripped from every word, and it was contagious. “I can’t wait to touch you again.”
“You know what else I was imagining?”
“What?” Ray said breathlessly.
“How your mouth would feel on my breasts. I love having my nipples sucked, and you’re such an incredible kisser. I can only imagine how your mouth will feel other places.” Carly hesitated, then sa
id, “Is this okay? Talking like this?”
“This is perfect.” Ray knew what Carly was asking. “I feel very safe right now. And very horny.”
Carly moaned. “I definitely like the sound of that.”
“I like how it feels.” And she did. Wanting Carly, no matter how scary, made her feel alive.
“So how does that sound?” Carly asked after a moment. “Do you want to suck on my nipples?”
Ray swallowed. Even when she and Danny were having regular sex, they had fucked far more than they talked about it. It was hard to believe that words could turn her on so much. “Yes. I’ve thought about that a lot,” Ray whispered. “Your breasts are beautiful. So sexy.”
“Would you enjoy having my mouth on your breasts?”
A jolt of pleasure rocked Ray’s clit, taking her breath away. She gritted her teeth, surprised by her intense reaction. “Oh, yes.”
“Are your nipples hard right now?”
Ray hesitated only a moment before she slid her hand into her T-shirt. She knew they were like granite before she touched them, as tight and painful as they were. But she wanted to close her fingertips around one, to pretend they were Carly’s mouth instead of her own hand. “Yes.”
“So are mine,” Carly murmured. “I’m wearing just a T-shirt and panties, and my nipples are so hard right now they ache. I’d give anything to feel your warm tongue on them.”
Another shock of pleasure rocketed through Ray’s clit, and she slid her hand into her panties. She touched her swollen clit lightly, gasping at her response. Even more startling was the slick wetness that poured from her, all because of Carly’s voice.
“I’m wet.” It coated Ray’s fingers, thick and hot. She drew a fingertip over her clit and shuddered. “Oh, my God. I’m so wet, Carly.”
“So am I.” Carly’s voice shook. “Are you touching yourself right now?”
“A little.” Ray stroked her clit again, relieved when pleasure rolled over her. She didn’t feel broken. “Maybe.”
“Don’t stop,” Carly breathed. “Close your eyes.”
Done. It was almost easier that way. “They’re closed.”
“Those are my fingers, sweetheart. I’m touching you right now. Do you like it?”
Ray inhaled sharply. It wasn’t difficult to pretend that Carly was the one rubbing lazy circles down over her labia, and her excitement ratcheted even higher. “You feel so good,” she whispered.
“I want to touch you just like that. I hope you’ll show me how you like to be touched.”
“How do you like it?” Would Carly’s pussy feel the same as hers? Or would it be as foreign as Danny’s body had been? “Tell me what you want me to do to you. Please.”
Carly whimpered. “I want you to put your fingers inside me. One at first, then two.”
Ray’s heart threatened to pound out of her chest. She didn’t need to worry about being unable to feel. She felt more than she imagined possible. The thought of sliding her fingers into Carly made her dizzy and weak. She might have loved sex before Iraq, but nothing she had experienced back then even came close to what she was feeling now. Touching Carly in that way seemed so natural and so sexy.
“Do you like it soft?” Ray asked. Pleasure began to build in the pit of her stomach, delicious pressure that would soon be released. It was no longer a question of if but when, and Ray didn’t want to let go too soon. “Or hard?”
“Both. How about soft at first, then harder until I come on your fingers?”
Ray cried out as her pussy contracted slightly, sending a wave of sensation through her legs. She recognized the signs of impending orgasm and curled her toes, trying to stave it off. This felt so good. “I can do that.”
“Will you let me lick you?” Carly sounded like she was trying hard to keep her breathing even, and failing. “Is that something you like?”
“I’ve only tried it twice.” Danny hadn’t been a big fan of doing that, which made Ray less than comfortable with it. But being licked had felt divine, and the idea that Carly would do that for her threatened to bring her off immediately. “I’d like to try again.”
“Good. Because I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I don’t want anything more than to taste you. I’m going to make you feel so good, Ray, I promise.”
“You’re making me feel good right now.” Ray tensed her thighs and dug her heels into the mattress. Just a little more and she’d come. “Keep talking. Please.”
“I want to suck your clit until you come in my mouth. Would you like that?”
Ray closed her eyes and arched her back as her body convulsed with pleasure. She felt like crying out but held back, not wanting to scream into the phone. Instead she gritted her teeth and tried to keep breathing. Her thighs shook and she slammed them closed on her hand, then turned her face into the pillow to muffle a groan.
Carly had stopped talking, but her heavy breathing was still audible. Slowly Ray eased her thighs apart, releasing her hand. Getting her voice back took more effort. She didn’t trust herself to speak and didn’t have the words to say what she felt.
“Did you come, sweetheart?” Carly finally asked. “You got pretty quiet there, but it sounded like—”
“Yeah.” Ray’s voice was hoarse, as though she had actually screamed her orgasm. “I definitely just came.” Emotion grabbed her throat, squeezing painfully. Her eyes stung and she wrinkled her nose to try to stop her tears. When they flowed anyway, she gave herself over to her feelings. An incredible burden had been lifted. She had faced a fear and triumphed.
“You’re beautiful,” Carly said softly.
“I haven’t had an orgasm in over two years.” Ray pressed the heel of her hand against one eye, overcome with relief. “I wasn’t sure I could anymore.”
“Sounds like you didn’t have any problem in that area. In fact, we managed to get you there pretty quickly.”
Blushing, Ray said, “All credit to you.”
“Give yourself some of that credit. It wasn’t my hand.” Carly chuckled. “Unfortunately.”
“I hope it’s your hand soon. Or your mouth,” Ray said shyly. It would take some time to get used to flirting so blatantly, but it was nice to feel desirable again.
“Me, too,” Carly said.
Ray bit her lip. “Did you come?”
“Oh.” Carly giggled, sounding shy herself. “Well, no. I was trying to focus on you.”
“But were you…touching yourself?”
“A little. Maybe.”
Ray grinned. “Do you think you could finish?”
“Oh, uh.” Carly cleared her throat, then laughed. “Yeah. Definitely.”
“Will you?”
“Sure.” When Carly spoke again, her voice was huskier. “This is nice. I wasn’t expecting it tonight.”
“Neither was I.” Ray searched for something to say, some sexy comment that would help Carly climax, but she had gone blank. Apparently that orgasm had wiped out some of her brain cells. “I don’t know if I can talk like you did. But I still want to hear you come.”
“You don’t have to talk.” Carly’s voice broke. “Just listen.”
Ray stayed quiet as Carly’s breathing grew heavy and she moaned occasionally, a sound of yearning so sensual Ray’s clit twitched all over again. She heard Carly’s own pleasure building and tensed in anticipation, desperate to hear Carly’s release.
“This feels so good,” Carly murmured. From the way she clipped her words, Ray guessed she was very close. “I want you so badly it hurts.”
All of a sudden Ray knew exactly what to say. “I’m in love with you, Carly. I love you.”
Carly cried out hoarsely. Holding her breath, Ray listened to Carly ride out what sounded like a shattering orgasm. The noises she made were almost spiritual in nature. Ray was afraid to speak, not wanting to break the spell.
When Carly finally fell silent, Ray whispered, “That was incredible.”
“Yes, it was.” She could hear strong emotion in Carly’s v
oice. “Thank you.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m great. Wonderful.” Carly hesitated, then said, “You’re in love with me?”
Why would Carly sound so uncertain? Though Ray hadn’t said the words before, she had been wearing her emotions on her sleeve. Surely Carly wasn’t surprised that she had verbalized the obvious. “Of course I am.”
“That’s a big deal,” Carly said in a quiet voice. “I mean, those words are a very big deal for me.”
“I know,” Ray said. “It’s a very big deal for me, as well.”
“I’m in love with you, too.”
“You don’t have to say that.” Ray’s heart swelled at the declaration. “I didn’t tell you because I expected to hear it back. I was just feeling it, so I wanted you to know.”
“But I do love you.” Sniffing, Carly said, “I’m not sure I ever thought I’d say those words again, but God help me, I do.”
“That’s a good thing, right?” Ray’s stomach knotted at the sorrow she could hear in Carly’s voice. It made no sense. This should be a happy moment. “Why do you sound so sad?”
“I’m not sad.” Carly’s voice had brightened. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think that. Not at all. Just a little overwhelmed.”
“I get that. Make sure to breathe.”
Carly laughed. “Good advice.”
“I’m something of an expert, if you need any tips.” Ray grinned, happy to be the one to provide strength for once. “Everything will be just fine, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
“Yeah.” Carly yawned. “I hate to say this, but I should think about getting to bed. I’ve got a lecture on antiemetic therapy in dogs and cats at eight o’clock tomorrow morning.”
“Sounds fascinating.” What the hell was antiemetic?
“It should be pretty good, but not if I’m dead on my feet.”
Battle Scars Page 17