by Brisa Starr
“Finally, I have something amaze-balls to share on Instagram!” she squeals. “Say cheese!” She clicks her phone and takes yet another picture of us.
And then we’re off. The massive, rainbow-colored balloon rises gently into the morning sky. Alyson is a fit of smiles and champagne giggles. “Wow,” she says, “if I close my eyes, I wouldn’t even know we’re moving, it’s so calm and steady.” She closes her eyes, lifting her chin to take in the experience. “Everything is perfectly still,” she whispers and opens her beautiful, dark chocolate eyes to see me staring at her like a loyal, worshiping lap dog, content to follow her forever.
We look down below and watch the trees, cars, and houses getting smaller and smaller. The bright air is crisp with the sun warming our faces, and for a moment, I let my mind enjoy the serenity of hushed peacefulness, broken only occasionally by the sound of the propane burner. As we approach our maximum altitude, the world stills, and no one wants to disturb the calm silence. Least of all, me.
Time is running out though. As I think about my plan, fear and doubt storm into my mind. Fuck, what was I thinking? I rake my hand through my hair. Alyson is looking out at the majestic view, so happy, so fulfilled. I don’t want to ruin this moment, this precious time we’re sharing.
Just then, the pilot says, “Ya know… in these balloons, ya have limited control over ‘em, other than going up and down. You just gotta let the winds take you wherever, embracing the color of the story being told.” He looks into the distance, in his own little world for a minute, and then continues, “Some might think that’s terrifying, but not me. I find this surrender to nature to be sublime and exhilarating.”
I never thought I’d hear philosophy coming from a hot air balloon operator, but true to the genes I share with Auntie Jenna, I take it as a cue from the Universe.
It’s time.
I clear my throat and turn Alyson, from the view she was admiring, to looking at me. She immediately senses my nerves, and the happiness in her eyes turns to a look of concern. She tilts her head to the side. “What’s wrong, Adron?”
“There’s something I have to tell you,” I say, my voice choked with emotion.
“What?” Her beautiful mouth turns downward, and I feel a million stabs in my chest knowing I’m the cause of it.
“What?” she repeats, breathing more rapidly.
I open my mouth to say something and nothing comes out. I spin my ring, hoping it’ll do the dirty work for me.
“What, Adron, what?” The lightness in her eyes fades.
I clench and unclench my fists, the words sticky in my throat. God, she’s beautiful. I rock slightly and lick my lips, suddenly parched.
Fuck it.
I’m just gonna say it.
“I have to marry and have a baby by the time I turn thirty years old.” I take a breath and continue, “Well, I don’t have to, but if I want the rest of my inheritance, then that’s the rule.”
She looks at me, her eyebrows wrinkled, and she blinks rapidly but says nothing.
I take this as a good sign and tell her more. “And, it’s not just my inheritance, but my parents’ inheritance also hinges on me fulfilling this obligation. It’s totally fucked up, and I’d like to kick my grandfather’s ass for putting me in this position,” I say and then add softly, “but at the same time, I understand why he did it.” I look down at the floor of the basket we’re standing in.
“Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” she says with a blank look on her face.
I look back at her. “I didn’t want you thinking that this was why I was hot on your tail.”
“Is that the only reason?” she asks.
Of course there’s another reason. But I don’t know how to say it without deeply offending her. I hesitate, trying to find the right words.
“Say it, Adron, tell me the other reason you didn’t tell me,” she says, and I see her clenching her fists by her sides. “Just be honest with me.”
“I didn’t know you well enough at first, and I didn’t know if you would want me because of my money.”
She gasps in horror as though I had slapped her. But she knew that was coming, she asked for it. I’m sure it still hurt to hear me say it though, and her eyes confirm my thoughts as they bleed a mixture of disgust and disappointment. And before my eyes, I see on her face a giant chasm opens between us.
“So, the times you said you loved m-”
I cut her off. “I do love you. Fuck, Alyson! I wanted to tell you, please believe me,” I plead, then continue softly, “But I didn’t know when.”
She stands in front of me, rigid and unmoving.
“Alyson, every time I thought about it, by the point I knew I was in love with you, and when I knew you loved me… it was just shitty timing. I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“So, you waited until we were in a hot air balloon two thousand feet above the earth? Aren’t you afraid I might throw your ass over?” A dark, low laugh.
No, I hadn’t thought of that. But at this point, I would welcome it.
She shakes, a brief tremor in her shoulders. “You didn’t trust me,” she says, so softly I can barely hear her. Anger takes over and her mouth tightens, her nostrils flare. She inhales sharply, and I can’t stand the expression in her face when she looks at me. I don’t even recognize her.
“I’m sorry, Alyson.” I gently reach for her hand, and she yanks it away from me.
Her eyes fill with tears, and she tips her head back, blinking, to deny them passage. Her eyes become vacant, and she withdraws into a dark, private place. I can’t reach her, and the disappointment pouring off her suffocates me.
But I try anyway. “Of all the things that are important to you, I know honesty is the most important, as it should be. I knew I would tell you; it was just a matter of when. It made little sense to tell you when I first met you. Even though I felt something crazy the afternoon we met in my Auntie’s kitchen, I had no idea that it would lead to love. I’d never felt that way around anyone. But by the time I got to know you, and trust you, I knew how important honesty was to you, and I got scared. Scared that exactly this would happen.”
My eyes plead for her to understand. I try to lighten the mood and sheepishly say, “I kinda hoped you’d take the news better. It’s a lot of money, a king’s fortune. I wanted you to be my queen.”
She’s just looking at me, flatness taking over her face. She’s impossible to read, but I know it’s not good.
I try another approach. “Look, it’s not like you’re Ms. Total Honesty. You left out important details about you and Billy.” I feel bitterness in my own throat as I say the words.
“That’s not the same!” She throws her arms up, and the pilot does his best to act disinterested.
“Really? Why not? I know exactly how you must have felt, that you knew you should tell me, but there was never a good time, right?... Right? But withholding is withholding. You’re not innocent either, so don’t pretend you are.”
She doesn’t reply, and I wonder if maybe I’ve given her something to think about. Maybe she won’t be as upset? But I look into her eyes, and all I see is a dead soul. Emptiness. Gone is my shimmering goddess, full of life and love thirty minutes ago.
“Say something, dammit.” I cross over to her.
“I want you out of my life,” she says, her voice coldly neutral, devoid of any emotion. She turns her back to me and looks out at the view, anywhere but at me.
I want to take a deep breath, but I can’t. It hurts to breathe. I can’t shake the ice freezing in my chest. I finally found the one, and I lost her. I walk to the other side of the basket and close my eyes. I don’t know how many minutes pass before I open them, but when I do, I see we’re descending toward an empty field. The pilot’s partner is parked there in a chase vehicle, waiting to take us back to my car.
It’s a long, silent ride.
We get to my car, and Alyson turns to look at me. “Adron, when I met you, my heart was broken,
and I didn’t think it could be healed, but you healed it. And then you took it, knowing damn well what you were doing, and you destroyed it.” She stands tall, her shoulders back. “You know what happens when something is destroyed?” She pauses. “It’s irreparable.”
She gets in the car and shuts the door. I trudge to the driver’s side, feeling empty inside. Withdrawn. My soul departed, leaving only an empty shell. I’ve lost her.
It wasn’t easy helping her put her heart together the first time. But I know how she feels now, because my heart is in a million pieces, too.
The drive home is deathly silent. She won’t even look at me as she faces the passenger window.
We pull up to Auntie’s house and I see my parents’ car in the driveway. “What the fuck?” I mutter.
This pulls Alyson out of her stupor, and she turns to look out the windshield, but doesn’t say anything. Even though she didn’t ask, I say, “My parents are here.”
We step out of the car, and I look over at Alyson and see that she’s put on a mask of pleasant indifference. My parents get out of their car and approach us.
“Adron, darling,” my mother says, and I kiss her cheek.
“Mom, Dad, what are you two doing here?”
My mom clears her throat and looks at Alyson. “Don’t be rude, Adron. Aren’t you going to introduce us?”
“Alyson, these are my parents. Mom? Dad? This is Alyson. She’s taking care of Auntie Jenna’s house while she’s in Santa Fe.”
“Nice to meet you,” Alyson says.
“Hmmm. I see,” Mom says cryptically and narrows her eyes at us. “And what are the two of you doing out so early in the morning? We thought we would come by for breakfast, and I’m surprised to see you pulling up just now.”
“Yesterday was Alyson’s birthday, and I took her for a hot air balloon ride to celebrate.”
My mother’s perfectly sculpted eyebrow raises in question, which is code for annoyance.
My mother turns her attention to Alyson.
Fuck.
“Alyson, where are you from?” she asks.
Alyson replies, flat as paper, “I was born and raised in Ohio, but right now…” She pauses and looks down at the ground solemnly, before looking back up and continuing, “I guess you could say I’m homeless.”
“Homeless?” My dad asks.
I jump in before this gets shittier. “What she means to say, is that she’s a house-sitter, and she travels all over the country taking care of people’s animals and houses when they’re gone. So, she doesn’t really have a place that she calls home at this time.”
“I see,” says my Mom. “That’s… interesting, I guess. What do you do for work, Alyson?” she asks with a penetrating tone.
“I’m a teacher. I teach online.”
“Oh,” my mom says with a flare of disappointment.
“And your parents? What do they do?”
I interrupt. “I hardly see why that matters, Mom? Is this an interview?”
Alyson answers anyway. “My parents are teachers, too.”
Mom looks over at Alyson’s car, no doubt putting two and two together – she’s a homeless teacher and drives an old Prius packed with all her stuff. Shit.
“I see,” she says, lacking enthusiasm.
Alyson, tired of both my parents and me, looks at them and says, “Well, it was nice to meet you both. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go feed the animals.” She turns and walks into the house, taking the air in my lungs with her.
Will I ever see her again?
The empty despair I felt earlier morphs into anger at these shallow people who are part of the reason I’m in this predicament to begin with. The guilt of their inheritance, and the fact that they are even here, uninvited and unannounced, does not sit well.
“Why are you here?” I ask.
My dad speaks. “We came up to see how you were doing and take you to breakfast. To talk.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Fine,” my dad continues, “we’ll have this conversation here. You need to get married and have a baby. The time it’ll take to find somebody, get married, get her pregnant, and have a baby is nipping at our heels, son.”
My dad must see the danger lurking in my eyes because he takes a step back. Outrage, frustration, pain, and my loss of Alyson hit me all at once, and I just fucking lose it, roaring, “I don’t give a fuck about the inheritance anymore!” There is so much empty death behind my words that I witness fear grip my mother’s eyes.
“Adron,” she hisses, “you can’t mean that. You’re not thinking straight. What? Is it her? That girl, Alyson?” She steps toward me, and I step back. “You can’t possibly marry her. She’s homeless, for Christ’s sake!”
I contain my rage, trying not to knock my parents into next week. “You know nothing about her.”
“Adron, please,” my mother begs. “Do the right thing. Call that other girl, Leslie. She’s waiting to hear from you. She’s beautiful. She’s interested, and her parents appro-”
I cut her off and seethe, “Did you not hear me? I don’t fucking care about the money!”
My mom blanches a sickly, ashen pale gray, but I don’t care. I see movement off to the side in the house, Alyson’s bedroom, and I watch as Alyson closes the plantation shutters in her bedroom. I wonder if she can hear us.
“Adron,” my father brings my attention back to them. “Listen to us. This is not just about you. You owe us. Now you will do the right thing. You will do your duty, get married, and have a baby! Do I make myself fucking clear?”
I do a double-take at my father, and a heavy feeling punches my stomach. He never uses language like that, leaving it for Mom’s foul mouth.
Disgusted with my parents, I swallow the sour bite in my mouth and shake my head. I didn’t know they could be assholes this big. Greed does shitty things to people, but I thought my parents were at least a little bit above that.
“I need to sleep,” I say to them, and I walk to the casita. I go inside without a backward glance and close the door. I peer out the window and watch them leave before looking toward the house to see if her window is open.
It’s not.
I lie on my bed, looking up at the ceiling fan. I can’t believe my parents took it so far. Were they always like this and I ignored it? I shake my head and sigh.
Yet, something else also happened. Something snapped inside me, like a giant glow stick the size of a lighthouse, and it shined a light on my life’s decisions. I’ve let my parents dictate too many of them. Why? I’m fucking twenty-eight years old, and still living under their thumb. Was I just too lazy to stand up to them? Too chicken-shit? Or was it a sense of obligation? Or did I not care enough?
Well, I care now, and I’m done doing things to pacify them.
Beginning right now, I’m living my own life. No matter what happens, I’m doing what I should have done ten years ago… I’m cutting the umbilical cord. As of this moment, I’m a free man.
20
Alyson
I leave Adron and his parents in the driveway and I go inside the house, my heart destroyed and blinded with confusion. I don’t remember much of what happened since the moment he confessed up in the sky. Every second since has had my mind swirling like a cyclone, destroying everything in its path. And now I just feel numb.
Safely inside my bedroom with the door shut, I sit on my bed and the damn breaks, my tears crashing out of me in a torrent. I heave and sob. Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe the massive hole in my chest. The pain is even worse than the betrayal I felt from my parents, and I never thought that was possible. I must have loved him so much more than he loved me. Hell, maybe it was all an illusion that I thought he loved me.
I feel so blindsided by him. A wave of nausea overcomes me.
I slide off the bed, onto the floor, and my hands cover my face as my head shakes, and I sob. I’m torn inside out. I run my hands through my hair and grip it, pulling, trying desperately to dull the
anguish in my heart.
The past few weeks, I dared to dream and imagined a life I didn’t think was possible. I believed it! And now, I wonder how I could’ve been so naive and short-sided. Nothing is right.
I lower my head and droop my shoulders in a cowering slouch on the floor. The scary thing is, I still love him, utterly. I miss him so much… his touch, his smell, everything. Up in the balloon, the second he told me what had been eating at him, I missed him. I felt our love slipping from my grasp and there was nothing I could do to save us because my heart recoiled and reflexively shut itself off, clad in the armor I know so well.
I stagger up onto weak legs and step slowly to the bathroom. I look at my reflection in the mirror… I’m a mess. How did this happen? How could I not have seen that something wasn’t right with him, that he had secrets?
But wait.
I sensed secrecy, didn’t I?
Something hidden and unsaid.
I blamed it on the sexy intrigue he embodied so well, but it was deeper than that. I should have probed further, asked more questions, made him tell me because I knew there was something hiding in there.
I strip off my clothes and step under the shower, trying to scrub the bitter taste of betrayal off me. I step out of the shower and put my clothes on, even though I’m still wet. I don’t care.
I mindlessly look around the bedroom, and I see the pieces of rose quartz. I give them the middle finger. I then walk around and collect them all, and I shove them into the closet where I can’t see them, or feel their presence. I go back to the bathroom and brush my teeth, robotically walking through routine motions, trying to find my way back to my old life.
I go to the kitchen and open the bottle of tequila from yesterday’s dinner. I wish more than ever that Billy was here. But he’s gone, on an airplane, so I couldn’t even call him if I wanted to. It’s early in the day still, but I don’t care… I get out two shot glasses, fill them up, pretending Billy’s here, and I slam them both.