"Miss Townsend." She says again. "You're mother has agreed to see you."
"What?" I ask in shock. I didn't hear her right, surely?
"Your mother would like to see you." Dr Ludlow says again, while smiling at me. Jeez why didn’t she have this Doctor from the beginning?
"How did you manage that? She's not budged on it for weeks. Did you slip something into her drink?" I jokingly ask. I bet she bloody did too.
"Most definitely not, Miss Townsend." She replies. Oh fuck, I hope I haven’t offended her. I was only having a laugh. You’ve got to do something to stop yourself from braking in these situations. "Most likely, she just needed to get used to her surroundings and sometimes that can take a while. Adaption can me a major factor in the recovery process. I have to warn you though, she's still very delicate so please try and avoid any triggering topics."
"Okay." I guess I'll have to sit there in silence then. Anything I say is a triggering topic for my mum. Now that she's actually allowing me to see her, finally after so long, I don't even know what I'm going to say. Baby steps, I remind myself. If this is going to work, then we'll both have to take it one step at a time.
"Come this way, Miss Townsend." Automatically my feet start to move in the direction that the doctor is going and I wish with all my heart that I had Jen, George and Max here with me. I feel like a little child finding my feet again, and no matter what I do, I can't help but feel like I'm about to fail all over again.
Dr Ludlow leaves me at my mother’s door with a warm smile on her face. What now? Do I knock or do I just go in now that she knows that I'm here? I've been waiting for this day for weeks and now I don't even know what to do. Everything around me feels like it's about to close in on me and I struggle to breath.
"Keep calm, Jess." I think to myself. All you can do is try. I've pushed to make the first move and it seems like it’s paid off so far, I can't give up now.
I open the door with shaky hands and stop, looking in to see the room facing me. It's different to the front of the unit. Where that's all sterile and white, in here, it looks kind of homely. I guess that kind of makes sense. The patients here will want to feel a sense of home, and I'm sure it can only aid with their recovery.
"You coming in, or are you going to stand there all day Jessica?" My mother moans from somewhere in the room. Something's never change, but for the first time, I find that I don't care if her attitude is shitty, I'm just glad that she's alive. Hearing her voice feels amazing, something which I never thought I’d feel. How bad is that? It just shows how messed up our relationship was.
"Hey mum." I say calmly as I look over to her. She's propped up in an armchair looking out of the window. She doesn't turn to look at me, but I never really expected her too. "How are you?"
"Why are you here, Jessica? Don't you have more important stuff that you need to be doing?"
"I've come to see how you're doing. I've been calling." Her icy words cut me a little, but I try to hold my head high. I don't want her to know that she's getting to me, because that's the best way for her to continue with her insults. It’s like she has always thrived on hurting me. I don’t know, but I’m sure it made her feel better over the years and the insults just continued.
"I know. I thought you would have given up after the tenth time, but you just kept going didn't you? What is it with you Jessica? Why can’t you back off and leave me alone."
Finally she turns around to look at me and I'm speechless. She looks different. My mum looks younger, healthier and full of life. Slowly her face changes and it takes me a moment to recognise the warm, happy smile that dances on her lips. My heart flutters in my chest from happiness. The last time that I saw my mum this happy was before my dad left us. "I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, you are your father’s daughter, after all.”
"I brought you some bits." I say, trying to change the subject quickly. My dad is probably the highest trigger for her that there is.
"You did?"
"Yeah. Nothing much, just things that I thought you might need. Toiletries and so on. I did happen to sneak in a Danish for you though." One thing I always remember about my mum, no matter what our ups and downs, we'd always have a Danish and a coffee in town on a Sunday. That was about as far as our bonding sessions really went, and I’m sure that was purely so I had something to talk about at school the next day.
"Well don't just stand there girl, bring it over to me." She demands.
I hesitantly walk over to her, while noticing that she doesn't sound or look bitter any more. As I stand next to her and pass the Danish to her, she quickly reaches out and grabs my wrist. Oh fuck, maybe her appearances are deceiving after all. I painfully wait for the onslaught of abuse that I know is about to come out of her mouth, but it doesn't come. Instead her eyes fill up and she pulls me in closer.
"Jess, I'm so sorry." She starts, but it pains me too much to see her like this.
"Mum, it's okay..."
"No, it's not. Shut up and let me say what I've got to say will you. I'm really sorry. For treating you the way I have, the insults and I'm so sorry for the other week. I should have listened to you a long time ago when you told me that I needed help. Maybe then, we could have had a proper relationship. It's not your fault that your dad left, and I should never have blamed you. I know that now." As soon as she finishes, her tears spill over and my heart breaks for this woman sat in front of me. Witnessing her breaking down in front of me is one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do. I want to comfort her, but she's pushed me away that much before; that I don't know how. She looks child-like as she weeps before me, something which she has never done before.
"Mum, come here." I bend down after my initial shock and hold her close in my arms and I can feel her shake beneath me. I feel bad for not forcing her to get help all those years ago, but I guess what’s done is done and no one can change the past.
"I wish I was a better mum to you Jessica. I wish I could have given you the life that you needed, that you deserved. Instead all I did was leave you to defend for yourself. I took everything out on you, because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I know that now. I've realised deep down that I was such a horrible cow to you, because I knew that you would leave me just like he did, and I guess acting the way I did would make it easier when that day finally arrived."
"You're my mum. No matter what's happened in the past, I still love you. I’ll always love you mum. All we need to do is concentrate on here and now. How about we forget the past? Fresh start?" I say, while still holding her hand.
"Jessica, I don't deserve a fresh start. How you don't hate me, I'll never know. Someone like me should never have been allowed to have kids."
"Stop. That’s bullshit. You did your best and like I said, you're my mum. Everyone makes mistakes. Now, how about we forget all of that and you can tell me how you've been?"
Dr Ludlow arrives to check on my mum after an hour or so. No doubt to check how my mum is coping with my visit. "It's good to see you smiling, Diana."
"It feels good. I can't remember the last time that I smiled and actually meant it. I guess I've got a lot to be thankful for after all."
My heart lumps in my throat at her words. To see her like this is like looking at a completely different person. Her face has a healthy glow and even her hair looks healthier. I suppose all the alcohol has been out of her system for some time now. I just hope she doesn't fall back on it when she's released.
"Any news on when you'll be coming home?" I ask.
"I'm not sure, Jess. I'll probably be better off staying here for now."
"Are you sure? Wouldn't you feel better and more comfortable around familiar faces and surroundings?" I know I would. Anything has to be better than staying cooped up in this small box.
"I don't have a home to go to, remember?"
"What are you talking about? Of course you do." Jesus, has the woman not listened to a single thing that I have said since she turned up on Jen’s doorstep. Wha
t does she expect from me? To come and visit and then disown her as soon as she is discharged. Sometimes, I feel like giving her a bloody good shake.
"Jessica, I don't want your charity. That fella of yours has done more than enough for me by placing me in here. What? Don't look at me as though I'm stupid, Jessica. I know your annual wage wouldn't cover the cost of this place." Well, I guess she does have a point.
"It's not charity mum. You're more than welcome to stay at mine for as long as you need. I don't know how long I'll be there for anyway, so you’ll have the place to yourself and I won’t be there breathing down your neck, if that’s what you’re worried about. I've still got work to carry out in Australia."
"Oh, I forgot about that. What happened with Mal? Do you not work for him anymore?" I forget that she's hasn't known about my work life for a while, so no doubt this will be interesting for her.
"Yeah, I'm still working for Mal and I’m still at Stanton's. He had a project to work on over there and he wanted me to be a part of it." I'm still a little undecided whether to tell her about my new job offer. I don't want to put too much on her shoulders at once, but if we're giving this a proper go, then the least I can do is be upfront about it. "I've been offered a promotion."
"Oh that's good. What will that make you now, manager?"
"I get more of a title with this one, I think. Mal's asked me to take over the business for good. I've just not decided on my answer yet."
"Are you crazy girl? You should be snapping his bloody hand off. Look at you, my girl running a business all by herself. I'm proud of you Jess."
"Thanks mum." It feels foreign to hear those words come from her lips. In all my years, I don't think my mother has ever told me that she was proud of me. "It just means that I'll be here for six months and in Australia for the other six."
"What's the problem with that?" She raises her eyebrows while looking at me as if I don’t have a brain in my body.
"Well, will you be okay? I won't be able to see you for a while." The thought of leaving her for so long without being able to drop in on her to see how she’s doing fills me with dread. What if she has another episode?
"Jessica, as harsh as it sounds, and as hard as it might be for you to understand; I've just about managed for the past five or so years without you being around much. I'm sure six months at a time won't make that much of a difference, do you?"
I guess she's right. "Well, like I said you can stay at mine for as long as you need. Plus, I’d feel better knowing where you are and it's looking like I might need a house sitter soon."
Jess
I open my eyes and see that the bed is empty beside me. Looking at the clock, I see that it's only just gone six. Where's Max and why isn't he in bed? Surely he wouldn't have left this early to get to the office on a Saturday, especially when he can work from here? Oh god, it's Saturday.
It's the one day that I have been dreading coming around for weeks. Normally I'm super excited about it, but this year I'm just not feeling it, whatsoever. I daren't look in the mirror to see if any wrinkles have appeared to mark this not so glorious occasion. I contemplate on the idea of going back to sleep, but I'm up now. I wonder where Max is. It's not like him not to be floating around. If he does decide to leave early, he's suddenly got into the habit of waking me before he goes. But today, I don't remember that happening. Maybe he spotted my newly acquired crow’s feet and made a run for it. Personally I wouldn't blame him. Okay, maybe I would, and I’d be a little bit pissed at him too.
My phone suddenly chimes to life beside me alerting me to a text. Who the hell would be texting me at this time in the morning? What is it with everyone getting up early on a Saturday? I think they all need to take a step back and seriously look at themselves. Saturday is for sleeping. I should have known it would be Jen before I glanced at the screen. Every year she gets super excited, so much that anyone would think that it was her birthday.
Happy Birthday baby cakes. Today is going to be amazing. I'll come and collect you for ten. Make sure you're ready. Oh and dress casual.
Love you, you old cow bag xxx
Why did I think that I could escape the birthday celebrations with Jen around? If she thinks she's getting me plastered like last time, she's got another bloody thing coming. Who am I kidding? I know I’m going to get plastered. I’m that much of a lightweight that I always do. I’ve no idea what she’s got planned for me, but it’s unlikely to be afternoon tea. I guess if I get pissed, at least I can forget what day it is.
Once I'm out of the shower, I throw some leggings on and a vest top. She said casual and this is about as casual as I get. I don't have the energy to do anything with my hair, so as usual; I give it a quick blast with the hair-dryer and throw it up into a messy bun. It just about passes as presentable, but only just. I put on a little bit of mascara, bronzer and some lip gloss and my outfit is complete. Casual it most definitely is.
"Jess, you here?" I hear Max shout out from downstairs, and his voice still gets to me every single time.
"Up here." I shout back, eager to see him. I’ve become that used to him being around, that I have come to hate it if he isn’t here when I wake up. I guess part of me always panics that he has finally realised what huge mistake he has made and made a run for it back down under.
I only need to look at him to know where he's been. He's a hot, sweaty mess and he looks absolutely and devilishly perfect. "What time did you leave?"
"I didn't sleep much, so I went for a run. Probably around five, why?" He pulls me close to him and my body melts into his. Our connection complete again. My skin instantly burns up at his touch causing ripples of excitement to run through my body. "You heading out?"
"Yeah, Jen’s picking me up in half an hour. Most likely for some girl time." I instantly feel bad for lying to him, but I don't see any point in telling him that it's my birthday. He's a guy, it's not like he'll be bothered. It's just another day to them.
"Half an hour? How about we pass some time before she arrives?" His wicked smirk curves on his lips, and I can feel myself weakening towards him, but I need to stand my ground.
"I'd love to, but can you not see how much effort I have put in to look this hot?" I ask sarcastically. "There's no way that I could possibly ruin it. It'd take too much time and energy to do it all over again."
"Your loss, angel. But just so you know, you won't be able to use that excuse on me later. Plus, I think your thoroughly fucked look suits you best."
"Huh, you think so?" I tease.
"I fucking know so." His lips come crashing down against mine and my mouth welcomes him instantly. I can feel my body submitting to him, with each stroke of his tongue. How does he still have this effect on me? I’m amazed I can even leave my house without him, he’s that addictive.
"Have fun, ladies." Max shouts as he makes his way down the stairs in nothing but a pair of surfer shorts. I automatically want to cover Jens eyes so that she doesn't get an eyeful of my man, but it's too late.
"Check out those abs, muscles." She croons at him and I feel like slapping her. No way would I dream of eyeing Luke up like that. Jen must see the look on my face as she continues, "Pull your knickers out of your arse Jess. Jeez you’re so easy to wind up. Having a man like that is bound to cause attention.”
They both start laughing at me. I'm glad they find it so fucking funny. "Jen, shut up, and you," I say pointing to Max. "Go and cover yourself up before she pounces on you. If that shit happens, I won’t be held responsible for my fucking actions."
"Is that you getting jealous, angel? You look pretty hot right now. Jen, I think you should leave and she'll meet you later."
"Nice try. I'm off, but I'll speak to you later." I warn, but Max just looks at me with his cocky grin while leaning up against the wall.
"If that's what you want to call it, then by all means angel, we'll definitely be talking later."
"Come on, split it up love bugs. Me and your hot piece of arse have a date." Jen pulls on
my arm and practically drags me towards the door. “You two are fucking unreal. You’re both like bloody walking, talking Viagra.”
“Give over, you love it.” I laugh and I get a jab to the ribs for my cheek.
"So, how's my birthday girl?" Jen squeals as we climb into her car.
"I'm fine. I'd be better if you forgot it was my birthday though." I moan.
"Hey, now you know that's never going to happen, so you can quit your moaning right now. What's gotten in to you? You used to love celebrating your birthday. It was practically the highlight of our year."
"To be honest, I haven't got a clue. I guess it just means that I'm one year closer to being that old lady who spends her pension on piss pads." A bit much? Maybe, but it’s just how I’m feeling.
"Oh give over, woman. You’re a fucking small fry and you're not exactly doing that bad for yourself either. You've got a solid job, awesome friends, and have you seen that man who's waiting for you at home? Jesus, girl. Anyone would think you'd aged thirty or so years and all you had left for company were cats."
"At least if I had cats I wouldn't get hurt."
"Woah. Back up, where's all this coming from? Why are you going to get hurt?"
"Things just seem to be good to be true right now, that's all."
"Keep moaning and I'll have to slap some goddamn sense into you. Now, are you ready to enjoy yourself, or not?"
I know Jens right. I've no idea what's been up with me these past couple of weeks, but I need to pull my big girl panties up and get my act together. So what if Josh betrayed me with Amelia. If anything, it was a lucky escape. Now, I've kind of made peace with my mum, I'm facing the prospect of owning my own business and I have a hot, sexy as sin, slightly demanding, loveable rogue by my side; I should be shouting it from the bloody rooftops.
"Do you know what? I think I am. I suppose today can be classed as a new chapter in my life, and I plan to make every moment count. Starting from now."
Down Under Complete Trilogy Box Set Page 42