“No… You can do something! Professor!” I kicked at his shins.
“I’m sorry… But there’s nothing I can do… Not now…” The professor calmly apologized. “It’s too late…” He looked over at Leigh. “I take responsibility for this, Miss Silvemist. This is my fault, and I can’t begin to explain how apologetic I am for putting you through this.”
“Thank you… Professor…” Leigh looked at Matt. “You’ll be okay without me, right?”
“No… I can’t… I can’t be alone… You can’t…” Matt’s cool exterior had cracked.
“Please… Leigh…”
“Seriously?” Leigh coughed again. “You’re just going… To make… me feel bad…” Even then, she still managed to keep herself together. “It’s alright… I’m not scared… Not anymore… The last few months with all of you… They’ve been hard… But I couldn’t have asked for more…” She sighed as the last remnants of life escaped her body.
Matt closed her eyes and collapsed over the top of her. I dropped to my knees and sobbed. August’s face was twisted with horror, and she clenched a handful of cards in her hands, and Raven looked as if she could burst into flames at any second. The professor opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind. He turned and walked out of the library, gesturing to Raven and August to follow him.
I still can’t bring myself to think about what happened that day. I’m barely writing it now. But as I knelt, crying on the library floor, I knew something had changed. I had made myself a promise. No one else was going to die.
No one except Elijah Blake.
28
It was a month before the school had finished clearing up the destruction left by the Syndicate. The school had been closed for the time being, and the students had been sent home until everything was back to normal. But normal wasn’t possible. Not anymore.
The last month had, to put it simply, been hell. After adults came to clear up the… aftermath of the attack, I’d gone home, and I’d barely been out of my room. I had no idea where Raven had gone. I think she’d stayed at Foxway. She didn’t have a home to go home to, anyway, so I assumed that that was where she was. The only person I’d had any contact with was August, who’d come along a few times to check up on me.
“Have you heard from Matt?” I asked as I stared out of the window.
“He didn’t go home after the attack. He just locked himself up in his dorm room, refused to speak to anyone,” August replied. “Remind you of anyone?” she asked. “It really wasn’t your fault, you know…” she reminded me for the fiftieth time.
“Saying it over and over again doesn’t change anything,” I replied monotonously. “I promised her she’d be alright, and now she’s dead. And I couldn’t do anything…”
“None of us could. We never got the chance to do anything. We couldn’t stop it.”
I stayed silent. In the window, I could see August’s reflection in the window looking around my room. She opened a drawer. I couldn’t see inside it, but I knew what she was looking for.
“Don’t look for it.”
I heard August close the drawer. She sighed and sat down on the bed.
“They’re saying we can go back to school in a week or so.”
“I’m not going back.”
“You can’t just ignore what’s going to happen,” August pushed. “The Syndicate are going to come back, sooner or later. You can’t just-”
“I can, and I will. I’m done. I’m done with Foxway. I’m done with Magic. I’m done with Greyford. I’m… I’m just done…”
“You don’t get that choice. There’s more at stake here than you.”
“Do I look like I give a shit?” I said. August stood up.
“You know, one day you’re going to have to drop this whole ‘brooding hero giving up on the cause’ act. It doesn’t suit you…”
“Says who…”
“Says your friend. Or, at least, I thought I was.” August turned around and walked out of the room. I laid down on my bed and let the tears stream down my face.
“She’s right. You have to drop this...” A voice said from the other side of the room. It was Leigh. I jumped off the bed.
“What… What the… But… You… You’re… You…” I mumbled. I had no idea what was going on.
“You can’t keep yourself locked in here forever... You’ve got to make up for letting me die…” ‘Leigh’ told me. I had no idea what was going on. I picked up a book and threw it at her, but it hit the wall. “I’m already dead… You can’t hurt me…”
“What are you doing here!” I screamed. “Get out!”
The door crashed open as mum ran in.
“Emilie, calm down… Calm down…” She sat me down on the bed and faced me away from where I seemed to be looking. “Are you seeing something?” She was clearly worried, but I wasn’t her first patient. She knew how to deal with this. “Em. Emilie!” She stood in front of me. “It’s not real, okay? Whatever’s there, it’s not real.” She pulled me into her. “It’s not real… It’s just the two of us, okay? There’s nothing else here…”
It took me a few minutes to properly calm myself down. Mum sat on the side of my bed as I lay curled up in the middle. I hadn’t said anything in that time.
“What happened?”
“I… I saw Leigh… I actually saw her…” I confessed. “I… I think it’s getting worse…” I looked at my hands. My entire body was shaking in fear of what was happening to me. Mum stroked my arm.
“You’ve been through more in the last few months than most people do in their entire lives. You’ve seen things no one ever should… Your condition… It’s not simple. It might seem like it’s getting worse right now, but it’ll get better, I know it will.” I sat up. “You just need to give yourself time.”
“I can’t go back to Foxway, mum…” I croaked.
“I’m not going to talk to you about Foxway right now,” she assured me as she put her arm around my shoulder and hugged me. “You shouldn’t be worrying about that right now. You need to worry about yourself. Get yourself better. Then we can talk about what you do next. You’re my priority, okay?”
“Sure…” I nodded as I leaned my head on her shoulder.
*
The next day, I was shocked when my phone buzzed. I picked it up and turned on the screen for the first time in a week. It was from August:
Funeral is Thursday. Come if you want to drag yourself out of your room.
August’s signature tact almost made me laugh. I put down the phone and stared at the ceiling.
“You should go,” ‘Leigh’ told me, perching on the windowsill. “It’s the least you can do.” I ignored the hallucination and closed my eyes. “Are you really going to ignore me?”
“You’re not real. Leigh’s dead.” I monotonously reminded both the hallucination and myself.
“I’m real to you,” she remarked. “You can see me, talk to me.”
“You’re not there. You’re… You’re just my head. You’re real to me because I’m broken.”
“True.” ‘Leigh’ shrugged. She dangled her legs out of the window. “You’re pretty useless.”
“That’s not…” I trailed off.
“Not true?” The hallucination raised her eyebrow. “I’m in your mind. I’m not saying anything you don’t already know.”
“I… I…” I spluttered.
“Don’t try to argue with me. You know I’m right. You couldn’t protect one person. You couldn’t protect me. You’re useless. You’re weak.”
“Shut up!”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been saying? Why does it make any difference coming from me?”
“It… I…”
“You’re pathetic. I’m not going spending any more time on this. Just go to the funeral,” ‘Leigh’ ordered as she let herself slip out of the window.
I sat up on my bed and looked back at my phone. I picked it up and opened the text from August.
Funeral is Thur
sday. Come if you want to drag yourself out of your room.
I typed out a response:
Where is it? I’ll try to make it.
I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to end up going, but I decided to leave the option open. I stared at the door of my room. I hadn’t been out of the house in a month. My phone went off again as August sent me the address for the funeral. It was on the other side of the country, but it would be easy enough to get there.
I stood up and walked into the living room. Mum looked up from her book. She had taken some time off work to take care of me, but I hadn’t really given her much to do.
“You alright, Em?”
“Leigh’s...” I choked on my words. “Leigh’s funeral is on Thursday.” I pushed out. Mum put down her book.
“Are you going to go?”
“I… I don’t know if I can…”
“Do you want to?”
“I… I don’t know…”
“Okay,” she sighed. She sat up on the sofa and gestured for me to sit. I sat down and curled myself up, like I always used to. “It’s nice to see you out of your room. You’ve been shut up in there for too long.”
“I know, but I just… I haven’t been able to find a reason to leave. It’s just…”
“I know…” Mum cut me off. “I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I know it’s not healthy to just cut yourself off like that. I’m worried about you, Emilie.”
“I know you are… I just… I can’t… Not yet…” I looked down. “I’ll go to the funeral.”
“If that’s all you can manage right now, then that’s fine,” mum agreed. “Little steps.” She put her arm around my shoulder. “Things will get better, Em. I promise.”
“I… I guess…” I hesitantly agreed. “They have to…”
29
The funeral was in the small West Midlands village that Matt and Leigh had grown up in. There was something morbidly appropriate about the setting of the funeral. It was small, tucked away, private. Despite the fact that Matt and Leigh never really talked about their home, it felt somehow familiar. It was everything that you’d expect a small village in the English countryside to be; everything was surrounded by trees, there was a small shop and post-office in the middle, and the houses were scattered around the area, with few directly next to each other. The funeral was at a small village church. They weren’t religious, not particularly, but Leigh was a part of the community. That was just how things worked.
There weren’t many people there. Neither of Matt and Leigh’s parents had siblings, so they didn’t have much in the way of relatives, and most of their mother’s family still lived in Egypt, so it was hard for most of them to make it over. A few people from the village had shown up, but that was it. Their parents. Matt. August. Me. Raven hadn’t shown up. I guessed that she was pretty much impossible to contact, so I wasn’t surprised. There were a few other faces I had recognised. Sokolov had made it, which I was genuinely glad about. Dr Birchwood had sent a message, but had felt it wasn’t suitable to come. Artemis had made it as well, but I’d actually expected her to be there.
What I was genuinely surprised about was who I saw standing at the back of the small crowd: Professor Greyford. I hadn’t expected him to turn up, not in the slightest. I’d managed to convince myself that he didn’t care. It didn’t seem like he had at the time. But, as I eventually reminded myself, it wasn’t as if it had ever been possible to understand the professor.
The service was short and ordinary. We all gathered in the small church, went through the service, almost mechanically. The priest went through the order, just going through the motions. Matt gave a eulogy. I watched him up there, gripping the sides of the pulpit so hard I thought he was going to snap it completely in half. He managed to keep himself together for the speech, but it was clear that he was at the edge of exploding for the whole time. The service was open-casket, which made it harder, for me at least. Looking at her, all dressed up and prepared when I knew that underneath the carefully put-together appearance, Leigh still had the fatal wound that Elijah Blake had left her with, it made me want to throw up. It was, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst feeling I’d ever experienced. Even the attack itself seemed like nothing compared to the feeling of seeing one of your closest friends lying dead in a coffin. It might be one of the most painful things a person can do. I had no idea what to say to anyone. I’d never lost any family before. I had no clue what was supposed to be said to Matt, or their parents, or any of the other people who were surrounding me with their own consolations. I regretted being there in the first place. I wanted to be able to be there for Matt, and, to a certain extent, to Leigh as well, but I couldn’t help but feel that I had tried to do too much too soon.
After the service, I managed to slip away and found a quiet spot to think. At least, it was quiet at first. But it didn’t take long for August to find me.
“Glad you made it,” she said. “You okay?” I shook my head. “Stupid question, I guess.” She sat down next to me. “You dragged yourself out of that room then?” I nodded. “Another stupid question…” She laughed quietly. “I’m not great at this whole ‘comforting’ thing, am I?” I didn’t respond. “I know I’m probably still talking to a brick wall here, but it really wasn’t your fault.” I stayed silent. “Are you going to come back to school?” I shook my head. “You should. She wouldn’t have wanted you to shut yourself up like this.”
“She’s dead,” I snapped. “What does that matter?”
August stood up and sighed.
“I’ll give you some more space, I think,” she decided. “Just think about, okay?” she asked me as she disappeared around the corner. I was alone again. I leaned against the wall of the church and closed my eyes.
“Haven’t I already told you that August is right?” ‘Leigh’ asked me. “You can’t just give up, otherwise you’re going to have let me die for no reason.”
“I… I can’t…”
“Tsk,” she hissed. “You know, you seemed so brave over the last few months. Our valiant leader, the Guardian.” The weight in her – the hallucination’s – words hit me like a train. “Good to see I was right,” she remarked. “You’re pathetic.”
I didn’t know how to respond. Truthfully, I think I believed what she was saying, at the time. I mean, ‘Leigh’ was only in my head. So, did that mean that she was only saying what I already thought?
It was a few minutes before everything was ready for the actual burial. I don’t know whether or not that was out-of-the-ordinary, but from what I could gather, there hadn’t been anyone to dig the grave while the service was going on, so it had to be done afterwards. That hit me hard, for some reason. After everything that had happened, even this was going wrong. Leigh deserved better. It took about 10 minutes for everyone to be gathered together at the graveside.
“We have entrusted our sister Leigh to God's mercy, and we now commit her body to the ground…” The priest read mechanically. I looked around. The hallucination of Leigh was standing over the grave, smiling mockingly. I tried to shake the image away.
“…earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”
“This is your fault… You let me die, Emilie…” ‘Leigh’ taunted me. I tried to ignore it. Easier said than done...
“…In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ…”
‘Leigh’ looked down into the grave. I closed my eyes.
‘…Who will transform our frail bodies that they may be conformed to his glorious body…”
‘Leigh’ jumped down into the grave and looked around.
“Nice hole, actually. I guess I can stay here.”
“...Who died, was buried, and rose again for us…”
“Shame that doesn’t happen in real life, huh?”
“…To him be glory for ever…”
“Amen.” The crowd chanted. So did the image of Leigh that was climbing out of the grave.
I couldn’t breathe as I saw the coffin being lowered down into the ground. It was as they were filling in the hole on top of the coffin that I found myself collapsing on the ground, unconscious.
*
I woke up on one of the benches in the church graveyard, surrounded by people, with my mum looking over me.
“Wha… What happened?”
“You collapsed, as they were filling the grave,” mum explained.
“Did you finish it?”
“Of course not. We stopped as soon as we saw you fall.”
“Why!” I snapped. “This isn’t about me. This is about Leigh. And now she’s just there sitting half-buried in a hole, and everyone’s focusing on some idiot who couldn’t handle it! This is my fault to begin with… And now I’ve ruined this as well…” My shouting moved into tears. I pushed myself to my feet and ran off. Again.
I must have been a solid mile away from the church by the time I stopped running. I leaned back against a tree and slid down it. It hurt my back as I scraped along the bark, but I didn’t care at all. I curled up and cried the most I had since Leigh had died.
“I couldn’t even… Let her go without… without messing everything up…” I sobbed to no one. “How useless can I be?”
“God, do you ever stop with the ‘I want to die’ crap? It’s starting to get seriously old…” ‘Leigh’ remarked. I looked up.
“Wha… I…”
“I mean, you’re basically having this discussion with yourself every, what, two days? Aren’t you bored with it yet?”
“I… I mean…”
“I mean, I know I’ve been starting it, but, I mean, I’m just in your head, so you’re basically talking to yourself…” The hallucination rambled. “What was I saying again? Oh yeah, fix you’re fucking attitude! Elijah Blake’s still out there, and he’s not going to give a shit about whether or not you’re there are not. He’s going to come back to the school whatever happens.”
“It’s not my problem…” I whispered.
The Arch Stone: Foxway Academy: Book 1 Page 19