by Lush, Tamara
I nervously ran my palm back and forth over my short hair. God, her tone was brittle. I knew we'd have to eventually talk about our past, which meant I'd have to tell her what had happened since we last spoke.
That meant opening up. Revealing secrets.
No. I definitely didn't feel like talking, especially not here or now. Ever since Afghanistan, I tried to avoid discussing anything bad or confrontational. I didn't feel like explaining anything to anyone. These days, I wanted compromise and smooth conversation.
Hearts and puppies, rainbows and unicorns.
What a joke. Like any of those were appropriate for my shit-show of a life—which was so sad, because Jessica had been the one person I’d felt comfortable talking to, maybe because she hadn't gone to my private school back in New Orleans where I never seemed to fit in.
Or because she was a girl and more in touch with her feelings. I'd thought about this over the years, why conversation had been so easy around her. Now that we were adults, it sure wasn't.
"It's been that long? Wow. I feel ancient." I barked out a sharp laugh. "I probably look it."
The corner of Jessica's mouth quirked up enough to bring out the dimple in her cheek. I ached to press my lips there.
"A lot has happened since."
"Don't I know it," I muttered, then nodded in the direction of her bucket. "You a contestant?"
The smile she tossed my way made my heart flip. "Yeah. I am. In the spot next to yours. Actually, I'm usually the winner. The other business owners don't put too much effort into their sculptures. I'm a little different."
I grinned, glad we weren't talking about the past. "Really? So, I've got competition?"
"I'm afraid so. But I don't expect much out of you. You're from New Orleans. A city guy.”
What was that look in her eye? Was she flirting with me? Was everything forgiven and forgotten? Something inside me soared. God, her voice was so sexy, with just enough of a southern drawl to make me want to listen to her all day and night—preferably in bed. It had been so long. For all of it.
I tried to remember if I'd ever told her I spent summers as a boy on the Florida Panhandle with Mom's family, watching and helping sand sculptors at a festival there. "What are you planning on carving?"
"I'm keeping that a secret for now. You?"
"I was thinking of a cluster of starfish. But I'm not sure yet."
Jessica's eyes narrowed, and she pressed her lips together. Had I said something wrong?
Oh. Shit. The first time we were alone together, I'd given her a starfish I found on the beach.
"I think we have a lot of catching up to do. Why don't we have dinner together? Or drinks? I'd love to clean up and take you out, baby." I stepped closer. "How's tonight?"
What the hell was I doing? Why I had just called her "baby" like I used to? It was a New Orleans term of endearment I'd only ever used with her. We'd joked about it when we were kids, and now the word just slipped free.
Dammit. And why had I been so quick to ask her out? This couldn't happen, no matter how much I wanted it. We couldn't happen. I was here to hide. To sort out my life. To make some tough decisions. Definitely not to get back together with my teenage crush.
Jessica pressed her palms together and interwove her fingers hard enough, her knuckles turned white. Her gaze, suddenly rabbit-like and frightened, dropped to the sand, and she bit her bottom lip and shook her head.
"I'm sorry. I...I have to go now. I'll…uh, see you around, okay?"
She grabbed her bucket, turned, and half-walked, half-ran over the sand toward the parking lot.
My heart tore as I watched her leave.
Run. Run far, Jess. That's exactly what I deserve.
Chapter 5
Or Whatever
JESSICA
I tried to contain my crazy-mess emotions until I reached the car, but soon, I bowed my head, focused on my feet, and wiped the flow of tears from my eyes.
"Jess! Jessica!"
I looked up to see Catalina Richardson waving from the sidewalk. Crap. Leo made me forget all about my best friend. I hadn't seen her in months, and she was home for a quick visit from New York. I blinked several times as Cat approached. She'd texted me earlier, saying she might stop by the beach.
Catalina folded me into a big hug. "Jess, are you all right? Why are you crying?"
I sniffled and squeezed back hot tears. "Sorry. I don't want him to see me like this if he walks up."
"Him? Him who? Why are you sorry? What's going on?"
"Shhh. Don't yell. I'll explain in a minute."
Catalina wore a confused look as I tugged her away and steeled myself for the onslaught of questions. Leo inspired a torrent of intense feelings for which I simply wasn't prepared. They had bubbled up so quickly, like the warm underground water of a Florida spring. These days, I was accustomed to anger, sadness, and guilt. Today's feelings were something different. Something I couldn't quite pin down.
We walked a few paces to Sunset Brew, a café about a block from the beach boardwalk. With a quick glance over my shoulder, I checked to see if Leo had followed. So far, he hadn't. But why would he? He hadn't been interested enough to contact me all those years ago.
Cat and I both ordered huge iced coffees, then sank onto a sofa in the back of the café. It was where we'd spent endless hours in high school. From this nook, we'd studied, talked about our crushes, and planned our futures. I'd spent months discussing Leo from this very seat. I took off my sunglasses, flinging them onto a sturdy wooden coffee table with scuff marks from feet on the edges.
"Who is it? Is it Shitface Von Assclown? It better not be." Catalina had never liked Jacob, my ex.
I shook my head. "No. It's not Jacob. It's Leo." I took a long sip of coffee. My eye twitched again. Never had I imagined I'd see him again. Especially not on Palmira.
"Huh? Leo? Leo who?" Catalina asked, eyes wide, shaking her head.
I sighed and side-eyed my friend, who was wearing a tiny black skirt and a black T-shirt with some video game logo on the front. Cat had weird, even geeky taste, the total opposite of my casual beach clothes. But Cat's style was always on point, and she was gorgeous in a sexy Goth way.
"What are you wearing?"
"Don't change the subject," Cat snapped. She'd picked up a slight New York accent in recent years. "Who the hell is Leo?"
"The owner of that new bakery where Daily Bread used to be. But he's Leo. My Leo."
She gasped. "Oh shit! The guy you lost your virginity to when we were in high school? The guy you thought—"
"Got me pregnant? Yep. Leo Villeneuve," I bit out.
"Holy crap, Jess. My mom told me the last name of the new bakery owner, but I didn't make the connection. Wow. Damn. Where was he from again? Not Florida, right? Amazing you'd just run into him like that on the beach. What did he say?"
"Nothing. Well...I left when he asked me out. I panicked. And I don't think it's amazing, I just think it's weird. Oh, and he was from New Orleans."
Catalina twisted in her seat, brow furrowed. "Okay, I understand you've been through a lot with Jacob and your mom and everything, but this isn't any reason to freak out and get all dramatic. He's here on business, right?"
"Yeah. But...he asked me out. I don't think I'm ready for some big reunion."
Catalina nodded slowly. "Can't blame you there. Jesus. You were inconsolable back then. You didn't talk to your mother for months. Susan was so pissed. I'd never seen her that pissed. I thought she was going to lock you in your room. But, ya know, she was right, looking back. What if you had been pregnant? What a nightmare that would've been."
I groaned. "Don't remind me. And now that Mom's gone, I feel even more like crap about that whole year." I paused and sniffled some more, thinking about the huge fights between me and Mom about Leo. If only I could have all that wasted time back.
"Why is he here now?" I whispered. "And why does he look so damn good?"
Catalina rolled her eyes. "I'm sure it's ju
st business. You said he bought the bakery. Palmira's changing. It's not the retiree heaven it once was."
I shot her a sharp glance.
"Okay…well, maybe I'm wrong. Still. I can see why someone would want to open a business here. Lots of tourists," Catalina added quickly. "He looks good, huh?"
Too good. "He's beautiful. Super muscular. Almost hard to believe he was the first guy to...break my heart. I mean, I got over it, I guess. But I don't want to dredge up all that crap now."
"You two were kids." Catalina slurped her coffee. "Come on. You're a different person. I'm sure he's a totally different person too."
I nodded. I was being melodramatic, acting emotional and immature like my sister always claimed. "I'm sure I'll run into him again. Maybe I'll see if he wants to get coffee. I can't handle dinner, though. That would seem too much like a date. There might be expectations."
The thought of my naked body pressed against Leo's popped into my mind, and a little shudder of pleasure shot through my body. It was followed by a loud warning noise echoing through my brain. I didn't need a guy. Didn't want one. Especially not one who'd just up and disappeared after some of the best times of my life. And yet, damn, I was sure it would feel so amazing to be close to him again. Unlike—
Catalina shrugged. "So relax. Be friends. Or...whatever."
"It's the whatever that could be a problem."
Chapter 6
A Rebound?
JESSICA
“Why?" Catalina waggled her eyebrows. "You say you're not pining for Mr. Assclown, so why not take a trip down memory lane and have some fun on the road to bone town?"
I couldn't help but laugh. She was always so crude. And hilarious. I shrugged. "I'm afraid."
"I know you don't want to get your heart broken again, but maybe this could be a Netflix and Chill kind of thing with Leo. Casual. Temporary. Upfront. A rebound."
I shook my head, thinking of how we'd tried to watch movies five years ago but ended up alternately laughing like crazy and doing a hell of a lot more. I thought of how my body had reacted to him on the beach. Then I thought of—
"No, I'm afraid I won't be able to... you know, do it with him."
Catalina frowned. "What are you talking about? I'm not following."
I swallowed. "I never told you this, but I had problems with Jacob. Like, big problems."
My friend looked surprised. "Problems?"
"I never really did it with Jacob. We tried lots, but it...hurt. He couldn't get it in. And not because he was too big or anything." A wave of shame washed over me as Catalina eyed me in horror.
I buried my face in my hands, and mumbled, "I talked to my doctor about it during my annual exam. She called it situational vagi...vagini—so embarrassing. I can barely pronounce it. Vaginismus. Ugh.”
Catalina was wide-eyed with concern. "Jesus, are you okay? Do you need surgery?"
I lifted my head. "No, it's nothing like that. My doctor gave me exercises to do. Basically those...God, this is awful. I've never told anyone. The muscles down there close up shop."
Catalina tilted her head. "Whoa. That sucks. What about tampons?"
"I'm fine with tampons."
"I don't get it then. This didn't happen with Leo, did it?"
I shook my head miserably. "That's why my doctor called it 'situational.' It's possible it will only happen with Jacob. She's not sure."
Catalina snorted and rolled her eyes. "Maybe your vagina knew something your brain didn't."
That made me laugh—hard. "Maybe. My doctor said it can happen with stress. But what if I try with Leo and it happens again? I don't think I can handle that. Not right now. And it's not like I can tell him."
"Right. You can't just go out to coffee after not seeing him for five years and be like, 'By the way, my vagina sometimes malfunctions.' Even I know that would be inappropriate."
That made me laugh more.
Catalina sighed and gave a toss of her straight hair. "Oh, Jess. God. You've had such a shitty time of it recently, just relax and see what happens. Remember how really patient Leo was with you?" She grinned wickedly. "I was so fucking jealous. He really liked your body and…um, touching you and stuff before you actually had sex."
I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help smiling in return. Leo had loved my body, even if I hadn't, and that vacation, we had messed around for days before actually having sex. By the time we got around to the main event, we'd already explored every inch of each other. It made me shiver just to remember.
Usually, I tried not to remember.
Catalina drained her coffee with a loud slurp. "But what the hell am I saying? My first love also dumped me, and I haven't had any luck in New York either. Men suck. Forget my advice."
I shook my head. "You and Diego had a real relationship, though. Not just a two-week sex fest that ended in flames. He didn't use you. He didn't screw you then ghost you."
"No. But my heart was broken."
I made a strangled noise in the back of my throat, then laughed. "We're a pretty sad pair, right? I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted was to remind you of Diego. Not after all you went through. Especially not while you're here on vacation."
Catalina took a deep breath. "Look, I can't stay. My parents are taking my brother and me to Fort Myers for dinner. I just dropped by to say hi, but what are you doing tomorrow night?"
"Happy hour for business owners at The Sloppy Iguana. I should be there because I'm on the Chamber of Commerce committee for the seashell festival."
"You're becoming a real community leader. Look at you. I'm proud."
"Right. Whatever. I'm just following in Mom's footsteps. Come with me? Please? We can catch up more. I miss you."
"Come?" Catalina made a gagging noise. "Will anyone from high school be there?"
"No. Don't worry about running into anyone." I paused. "Besides, even if we did, no one will remember—"
"That I was the naked girl in the pictures on Diego's phone? Right. Whatever. The whole island knows about that. Hell, I got a funny look from the clerk at the gas station this morning. But I need to let it go, I guess. That or never come back."
"Yeah, you do need to let it go. You're a successful media executive in New York."
"Hardly. I'm a low-level social media whore at a content farm."
Catalina stood up, and I followed. We hugged, and I inhaled my friend's scent.
"Love you," I said, taking another inhale. "You smell spicy but weird. In a good way. Like cinnamon and...pepper?"
"Thanks. New perfume. I love you too, Jess."
Chapter 7
Finding the Past
JESSICA
Checking the rearview mirror as I backed out of the parking space, I almost wanted Leo to magically appear so I could apologize for being so weird and bitchy.
Also, so I could stare at him some more.
God, his body had been so chiseled. His lips looked as kissable as they were five years ago. More so. He still had those adorable upturns at the corners of his mouth, and he still looked at me as if I were something really sweet, yet forbidden to eat.
No. Dial it back.
Over the past few years, I'd often wondered what kind of man he'd become. If the butterflies in my stomach were any indication, the reality was much better than any fantasy I'd entertained. Yet, there was a badass quality to him I couldn't deny or explain.
A twinge of danger.
Maybe it had been those scars—were they burns?—on the outside of his right arm, covering his shoulder, bicep, and possibly stretching to his forearm—the only flaw on his perfect body. Though he’d clearly tried to keep them away from my eyes, I'd noticed the way they’d mingled with his tattoos, wondering which came first.
His blue eyes were still beautiful, but now there were little lines in the corners, like he was tired or stressed. He looked older, much older than me, even though we were only a year apart.
I suddenly felt horrible and rude about practically running away from him. What
if he thought it was because of his scars? Of course that hadn't been the reason. It had been the talk of the starfish, which had brought back all those bittersweet memories of our two weeks together, which had made me feel like crying. I hadn't wanted to do that in front of him.
Damn. I'd have to apologize to him now. How and when was the question.
When I arrived home, I ran into my apartment through the back entrance of the hotel and quickly changed out of my beach clothes into a more polished, tropical print cotton dress. Then I walked down the hall with a serious look.
Nicole, my sister, was in the front office and shot me a glare, and I held up a hand in anticipation of a lecture or serious discussion.
"Hey. Sorry. I was at the sand sculpture contest."
"Okay, whatever," Nicole said. "I need to pick up Grace at school."
I smiled. Grace was Nicole's daughter and the main reason I'd stayed sane through the tragedies of the past year. The girl and her wild imagination and giggles could draw me out of the darkest of places. Also, the five-year-old was so attached, I felt guilty being in a down mood around her.
Nicole scowled at me. We'd always had a difficult relationship.
Seven years older than me, she was already married to Daniel and pregnant with Grace when I had my pregnancy scare. At the time, Nicole had sided with Mom. She'd scoffed at my feelings, saying I was only a kid and had no business getting knocked up so young—or hanging out with a boy who would do that to me.
"I'm twenty-four and pregnant," my sister had screamed. "My life is OVER. Is this what you want?"
At the time, I'd understood my mother's anger, but not my sister's. Now, I blinked at Nicole and turned to the desk to shuffle through the day's mail. She always seemed so angry.
Nicole scowled and grabbed her purse. "Oh, and you need to figure out something for breakfast. Grace has ballet, which means I can't bake. Maybe grab something at The Daily Bread?"