Dirty Secrets

by Lush, Tamara

  "Turn around.” I made a little rotating motion with my index finger. "I don't want you seeing me undress."

  "But you're in full view of everyone else and I'm going to see you in your suit in a few minutes. And I've seen you naked. What's the difference?"

  God, he was cute. "You're killing me with logic, dude."

  He grinned.

  Keeping my eyes locked on his, I slowly unzipped my skirt, making sure to turn around and wiggle a little when I slipped it over my butt to reveal the blue swim shorts beneath that hugged my hips. When I faced him, a delicious thrill went through me a seeing the way his eyes had grown wide and his Adam's apple bobbed.

  Leaning close, I spoke in a low voice. "Race you."

  And I was off.

  Laughing, I ran into the water, then screamed when I got knee-deep. "It's cold!”

  Leo caught up with me and kept going, then dove in when the water reached his waist. But I wasn't going to let him be the only brave one, so I followed. Soon, I skimmed through the clear Gulf, shutting my eyes because of my contact lenses. Swimming furiously, I propelled myself forward with mighty strokes. I'd been on the swim team in high school, and I'd even won medals and been called a powerhouse.

  I undulated my body like a dolphin, swimming fast. Then my head hit something. Something both soft and hard. Something wonderful.

  I promptly surfaced, slicking back my wet hair. Leo was in front of me and laughing as I opened my eyes. My feet floated to the sandy bottom. We were in water up to my shoulders.

  "Did I just swim into you? I'm sorry," I laughed, gasping for breath.

  "I think you were trying to drown me," he said. "Your head's pretty hard. I might not be able to have children if you had hit me any lower."

  I floated over and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "Sorry."

  We laughed hard as I treaded water.

  “Chilly?” Leo asked.

  "A little, I guess." My teeth were chattering some, but not really from the air or the water temperature. It was from the sight of Leo's brown skin, his muscles around his shoulders, his perfectly shaped mouth.

  Our eyes locked. I stopped moving and stood in front of him, my toes digging into the soft sand beneath.

  My voice took on a mock seriousness. "There are predators in the water here. Sharks. Stingrays. Jellyfish."

  "I can think of an even bigger predator," Leo said. Then he growled and moved playfully toward me.

  I yelped, swimming away. This was what I wanted: him chasing me, catching me, and never letting go.

  I giggled and yelped out loud as I swam away. Soon, he caught up and pulled my body to his. I melted into him. His front pressed against my back, and he encircled me with his strong arms. I was tall and broad, but he was bigger, and the feeling of being buoyant in the water and small in his arms was so damn wonderful.

  "Caught you," he said softly in my ear.

  We were in pretty deep water still, but he held me with ease. We bobbed for a while, legs entwined.

  "It feels amazing to be with you again," I said, turning my head.

  He kissed my cheek. "Yeah. It does. Absolutely amazing. I'm kind of shocked we haven't made it even better."

  I laughed. "You mean, you're surprised we haven't slept together?"

  "Yep. I mean, before we were together...what, two weeks? It took us about eight days to work up the courage to get together, and then how many times did we...?"

  "Have sex?" I loved how we were finishing each other's sentences a lot lately. "I don't even remember. We were so creative. You snuck into my room, and we brought a sleeping bag to the beach..." I giggled at each memory. "We were crazy."

  "Oh yeah. I was crazy—for you. Remember how we went into an empty guest room that one afternoon?"

  I hummed in response. "When I was on top of you? That's a good memory."

  "Mmmhmm. I've remembered it on many lonely nights." He paused. "Do you ever think we should have waited?"

  I tilted my head and considered. "Maybe. We were young. I mean, plenty of my friends had already had sex by the time they were sixteen, and it seemed right at the time...I don't know."

  One of his arms encircled my torso under my breasts, while the other rested on my stomach under my tankini top. Normally, I didn't like anyone to touch my midsection. I felt too soft and jiggly there, but in the water, I relaxed. He certainly seemed to like touching me. His fingers skimmed the top edge of my swim shorts, and I realized just a few inches more and his hand would be between my legs.

  The thought gave me a thrill.

  And an idea.

  A sexy, naughty idea. One that made me nervous. Curious too.

  I turned my head and kissed his cheek, my eyes darting around. There weren't many people on the beach this morning, and we were the only ones in the water. His hands and nearly all of my body were invisible. We couldn't have sex here, that was certain, but I was curious to see just how my muscles down there reacted to his fingers.

  "Touch me," I whispered. I felt so relaxed in the warm ocean, in his strong embrace.

  "Where?" he murmured into my ear.

  "You know where."

  He sucked in a breath, and one of his hands gently cupped my breast. His possessive squeeze sent heat down my spine while his other hand inched lower, stealing my breath.

  "Like that," I whispered. "And lower. Please?"

  He took his time.

  My heart beating like crazy, I felt his fingers slowly, too slowly, inch lower. Goosebumps flared up my legs. Leo's hand slipped beneath my shorts, and the sensation of his finger parting me made me inhale. This was exactly where I wanted him to touch me.

  And guess what? I didn't tighten or feel any pain. The realization, and the feeling of his fingers, made me relax even more and bite my lip in pleasure.

  His finger slid inside. His voice was gravelly.

  "Jess, you're wetter than the ocean."

  "Please, Leo." My eyes fluttered, so I could only see the sparkles of sunshine dancing atop the blue water. Part of me was shocked I wanted this, shocked my body was allowing it and begging him to do it in public. The rest of me wanted to simply let go and enjoy.

  I would let go.

  He circled and massaged slowly. I gasped a little when he pressed his erection against me. Every nerve in my body felt tight, needy, except where Leo's fingers were. I could easily orgasm right there in the water, that was how talented he was with just his fingers.

  He slowly moved his hand, dipping his middle finger into me. Then back to my clit. Then inside. It was driving me crazy. Yet I was reacting normally. My body was allowing him inside. That was the best part of all.

  "That. I love that," I groaned. "What you're doing."

  "I think I might love it just as much, babe," he murmured against my ear. "I think I want to put something else inside you now. I'm so fucking hard."

  I whimpered. Couldn't help myself. "Please, Leo. Please don't stop."

  He stopped. Giving a sharp breath, and a little shudder, he said, "Jesus, Jess. We've got to stop. We can't do this here."

  My eyes snapped open. He was right. God! What had come over me? I'd been so eager to test my body's reaction, I was willing to let him do this in public. I pulled his hand out of my bikini, giggling out of sheer nervousness, and twirled around, a little embarrassed.

  With no small satisfaction, I noticed he was breathing heavy. A rosy flush had spread on his sharp cheekbones as I buried my face into his neck and sighed loudly.

  "This is driving me insane," he said. "It's what you do to me, Jessica. You make me want to do illegal things in public. But I can't keep my hands off you." He squeezed my ass hard. "I lose control."

  "Tell me about it."

  I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck, my legs around his hips, and kissed him madly. When were we going to try to have sex? Soon, I hoped. Would my body cooperate? I finally had reason to think it would.

  In fact, there was no way I could wait. Didn't want to, didn't need to
. It was time to let go of the guilt from before, the shame of disappointing my mother and having sex as a teenager, of nearly getting pregnant because we'd been stupid and not used a condom that one time.

  And I was finally ready to let go of the idea that I was broken or frigid or undesirable.

  "I want you," I murmured.

  He held my face in his hands, his gaze serious. Then he nodded, and I pressed my mouth to his, wondering why he didn't seem happier about it all.

  Chapter 26

  A Change of Plans

  LEO

  God, I was edgy.

  I'd been like this all day, ever since our erotic encounter at the beach. Never had I desired anything, or anyone, more than Jessica Clarke. I hadn't thought I could be hornier than when I first met her, but I was wrong. It was like I was a walking erection. I was trying to will the condition away and get some work done, but my mind kept turning.

  My needs were complicated, that was the problem. The one thing I wanted—spending the night with her; Christ, spending a lifetime with her—was the one thing I absolutely, positively shouldn't do.

  Not after that little episode in the truck the other night. Jessica had enough going on, between her sister and the hotel and the grief over her mother. No way did she deserve my burdens added. And even though we'd revealed so much about our lives to each other over the past several days, I couldn't tell her about the nightmares.

  Or about New Orleans.

  Or about how I'd soon have to turn myself in to the cops.

  Those things would devastate her. It would only be worse if I took things further. And yet, I fucking melted every time she looked at me. That's why I'd felt like running away when she told me she wanted me.

  Again.

  Rubbing the back of my neck, I sank into a booth at the bakery in front of my laptop. Upstairs, the contractors clomped around the attached apartment. I had mountains of work here, what with local food vendors and ordering and anticipating the opening week rush. I needed to focus.

  A male voice startled me, but the military had conditioned me not to outwardly flinch. Not ever.

  It was the contractor, an older guy with white hair.

  "I've got some bad news."

  I glanced up from my laptop and arched an eyebrow. Bad news in my world meant death and bombs and war. Whatever this guy had to say probably didn't fall under that category.

  "Asbestos. We found it when we were ripping out the old sheetrock and drywall upstairs. A lot of these old art deco buildings have it."

  "Okay." I shrugged. "So, what does that mean? I'll pay for extra safety equipment, hazmat suits, whatever you need."

  The worker nodded. "We've got all that, and we have an asbestos surcharge. But it'll tack a week or two onto the job."

  "Fine. Do what you need to do."

  The man nodded and took a few steps away, then turned back. "Hey, I saw the futon. Is someone living up there? Because now that we've been poking around, we've kicked up a lot of dust. I don't think anyone should be breathing that crap."

  My mouth dropped open. Damn. There was no way I could sleep up there now. Not with those fine, lethal particles in the air. But where the hell was I going to go? I'd heard Jessica talking about how the island was busier than usual because of Winterfest.

  I didn't have time to scour the area for a place to stay. Where was I going to find an available room on short notice on an island filled with tourists? I didn't think I'd be staying long enough to rent an actual apartment, so...

  My first instinct was to call Jessica, to get her advice. But, no. First, I'd try to find a place on my own. Or maybe sleep in my truck, handcuffed to the steering wheel so I wouldn't be able to sleepwalk.

  That’ll work real well, asshole.

  I tapped on my phone and made a few calls. As I feared, all the nearby hotels were booked. Then I dialed The Beacon. It was probably a long shot, but even if they didn't have something, I could ask for advice. I didn't want to spend any more time on this than possible.

  Nicole answered.

  "Of course we have a room for you," she said when I explained my problem. "There's a guest suite on the first floor. Right next to Jess's apartment."

  The idea of being so close to Jessica filled me with fresh energy, even if I was worried about how I was going to control the nightmares and sleepwalking. And how I was going to stop myself from giving in to my desire to sleep with her.

  I read my credit card number to Nicole, my heart kicking in anticipation.

  Chapter 27

  Questions Forever Unanswered

  JESSICA

  "You rented a room to who?" My voice bordered on shrill.

  "I think the better question is, why didn't you tell me you've been spending so much time with him?" Nicole shot back.

  My sister's familiar, mocking tone and smirk grated on me, and I groaned in response. "I didn't feel like getting into it. And how do you know we've been hanging out?"

  "Catalina told me. I saw her yesterday at the school. She was there to pick up her mom. Did you know Cat's mom will probably be Grace's second-grade teacher next year?"

  I mumbled a yes. My best friend could not keep her mouth shut, apparently.

  "Cat said you've been ignoring her. But she laughed about it, and I invited her to dinner on Saturday. Also, Leo mentioned it when he called, said he's seen you several times over the last few days. He was pretty open about your 'relationship,'" she emphasized the word with perfectly manicured coral-pink nail air quotes, "after I asked him a million questions."

  I sighed. Leave it to my sister to pry into all of this. "We're just friends. I don't have to share every detail of my life with you. You can act like this with Grace because she's five, but I'm twenty-two, and you're not Mom."

  Nicole rolled her eyes, which just made me angrier. "You know, you always want everyone to stop treating you like a baby, and we would—I would—if you started acting like an adult and talked openly with me about things."

  I waved my hand. "I need privacy, Nicole. I'm not a child."

  It wasn't that I was opposed to Leo staying at the hotel. It was a pretty wonderful idea now that I thought about it. I'd been enjoying our teasing, flirtation, and conversations. And after earlier today in the ocean...

  I didn't want Nicole to know my business, though. That was all. Didn't want to be judged or lectured, didn't want to hear about my past mistakes.

  "I'm putting him in the downstairs room," Nicole said. "Since the hotel's pretty much full."

  The downstairs room. We never rented it because it was in such close proximity to my apartment. After Mom died, we thought it best that the guests keep some distance from my space. Now, Leo was going to be very, very close.

  Nicole continued to chatter. "He insisted on paying double the rate. He also promised he'd supply all of the breakfast pastries for us for the next several months."

  I rolled my eyes. Nicole was always thinking of money but unwilling to do things differently, unwilling to consider anything that might make us more of it. I also felt uncomfortable that Nicole was charging Leo to stay. Maybe I could reverse the credit card charges later.

  "Oh, and he wanted me to tell you he was going to be late tonight. I thought that was cute, him acting like he needed to let you know his whereabouts. You guys are a thing, apparently. And you didn't even bother to tell me?"

  Drawing from a well of patience I didn't know I had, I smiled tightly. "Fine. We're a thing. But don't expect me to tell you details."

  Nicole shrugged. "I think we can all guess them."

  Could my sister tell I had already, indeed, gotten quite cozy with Leo? Cozy on a table at his bakery, cozy on the sofa a few feet from where we were standing, really cozy in the water...

  "We're just friends," I said, backtracking. "You know I'm not looking to jump into a relationship again." But I knew the words were a lie as soon as they fell from my mouth. I wanted a relationship with Leo more than anything I'd ever desired.

  Ni
cole shrugged again. "Whatever. You know, he's really handsome. That surprised me. He was cute all those years ago, but damn. Now I can imagine you wanting to have his baby."

  * * *

  Later that night, I paced my apartment and poured myself a glass of wine. Leo still hadn't come. He'd called an hour before, saying he was finishing some things up at the bakery.

  Nestling into my sofa, I opened my mother's journal, preferring to live in the past than face the complexities of the present. I hadn't told Nicole about finding the diaries and wasn't sure when I would. It was like our mom was alive this way, speaking only to me. Selfishly, I liked having that written lifeline all to myself.

  I wasn't reading the journals in any particular order. I enjoyed opening them at random and reading a new entry. Later, I could go through and read everything chronologically, but for now, the little snapshots in time were perfect—alternately funny, poignant and bittersweet.

  MAY 8: Guess who I got an e-mail from? Adam Villeneuve. At first, I was annoyed. After he broke my heart in college, he e-mails me out of the blue?

  I sucked in a breath. Whoa. I'd known Mom and Leo's father met in New Orleans when Mom was a student at Loyola and Adam was a bakery owner near campus, and during that vacation five years ago I'd suspected something was up by the way Mom's voice got higher and her laugh more crystalline when Adam was around. But I had no idea Leo's dad had hurt her. What had happened? And why had they bothered to see each other again so many years later? I sipped my wine and continued to read, musing how history had kind of repeated itself.

  I couldn't be angry with him after reading his e-mail. He told me his wife died from cervical cancer years ago. She was young, only thirty-three. They had a little boy named Leo, and Adam talked about how difficult it was raising him without a mother. He attached a photo of his son, such a handsome boy. Just like his father. My heart broke for Adam. I emailed him back. Why should I hold a grudge?