(Once) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  “Okay?” Kat asked.

  “I don’t need to refill the meds,” I snapped, but not just because I was angry with myself for how things went down with Kat. Though that was part of it, it was more than that. I wanted the pain. The reminder.

  “You need to,” Kat said and the anger I felt was quickly replaced by amusement.

  “Okay, Mom,” I joked, but by the way her lips turned down, it was obvious she didn’t find it funny. Then it hit me.

  “How’s your mom?”

  Her eyes darted away from me. “Get dressed.” Before I could stop her, she closed the door and was gone.

  ***

  I grabbed my crutches and struggled to get down the stairs. Noise of pans clanking in the kitchen clued me in to where Kat was.

  The way she avoided the topic of her mom made me wonder what had happened. Her mom was sick when I left—was she worse now?

  Not wanting to piss Kat off, I shuffled into the kitchen and sat on the stool without saying a word. She turned and jumped, grabbing her chest. “You scared me.”

  “I have a lot of different effects on girls, but that’s usually not one of them.”

  Kat placed a pan on the burner, her long hair falling over her shoulder when she bent down to turn the heat on. “How do you know?” she asked as she pulled a pen out of her pocket and twisted her hair back before securing it with the pen.

  I stood up from the stool, adjusted my crutches and moved closer to her. “Do I scare you?” I asked, stepping towards her and trying my damn hardest not to fumble.

  A puff of air mixed with her laughter. “No. You don’t scare me.”

  I moved closer and her breath hitched. “Are you sure?”

  She took a deep breath and then looked me right in the eye. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  I leaned in until my lips were dangerously close to her ear, hovering just above the spot that I knew made her weak in the knees. Her sweet scent surrounded me and I inhaled deeply. “Good. Because that’s the last thing I’d want.”

  Slowly, I pulled away, but not far enough to where I couldn’t detect her scent. Our eyes met and her lip quivered. She tried to hide it with a bite, but it was too late. Her tongue dabbed at her lip and her blue eyes darkened as they always did before I’d kissed her in the past.

  “Kat.” Her name fell from my mouth naturally.

  “Josh,” she breathed, and I reached out to cup her cheek, but then her eyes snapped away. She sidestepped me and went right to the fridge. “Do you want scrambled eggs or French toast?”

  The minute she was out of my reach I felt the loss. My heart sunk as I went back to my stool. I watched as she bent down to look in the bottom drawer of the fridge. “What’s your specialty?” I asked, deciding to let what had just transpired be forgotten.

  Kat reached in and grabbed the eggs, strawberries, and blueberries. “You’ll see,” she said with a smile, and I knew she’d decided the same thing.

  The girl knew her way around the kitchen. She moved with ease, cleaning her mess as she went.

  The scent of cinnamon filled the air, and my stomach growled in response. “Do you need help?” I asked.

  “You’re my client, remember?”

  “That doesn’t mean I can’t help. Give me something. Anything.”

  “Okay.” She grabbed the strawberries and walked over to the counter. “Can you handle a knife?”

  “I think I can manage,” I said.

  “Are you sure? Because from what I remember, you kind of suck with them.”

  “Excuse . . . Oh.” I smiled. “I told you that plastic was impossible. It bent the knife.”

  “Was that before or after you slit your finger open?”

  I waved my hand. “Details.”

  Kat handed me the knife very carefully. “Cut the strawberries in halves.” She passed me the fruit.

  “I can do that,” I said and cut the first one without looking.

  She gasped and gave me an evil glare before turning back to the stove.

  I cut a few then stopped. “How many should I cut?” I asked.

  Kat walked over to the counter and looked at the plate. “That’s more than enough.”

  “It smells amazing.”

  “It’s almost done.” She took the strawberries and went back to the stove. I watched her as she moved between the pan and the plate. Her hands worked easily as she transferred food from one to the other. A perfected rhythm that was obviously natural for her.

  My mouth was watering by the time she carried two plates over to the counter.

  “Nutella French toast with strawberries and blueberries,” she said and handed me a fork.

  “I’m impressed.”

  She smirked. “I’m pretty impressive.”

  There was no denying that. “Yeah. You are.”

  Her face flushed. “Eat,” she said, clearly flustered.

  I took satisfaction in knowing I could still provoke such a reaction. I forked a piece of the French toast in my mouth and couldn’t help the moan that followed.

  “Damn this is good.” I scarfed down another piece.

  “I’m surprised you had most of the ingredients. Is your mom a baker?” Kat took a bite of strawberry and damn if it wasn’t the sexiest thing ever.

  I shook my head to stop staring at her mouth. “No, Liz is though. Mom keeps the stuff in the house for when she visits.”

  Kat took the pen from her hair and soft waves fell onto her shoulders. “Does she come home a lot?”

  “She does now. Before not so much. I used to visit her at her apartment a lot. She lives just outside of Farmingdale State, so there’s always something going on. Wait. I think she and your brother are the same age. Freshmen, right?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Where’s he going to school?”

  “Um . . .” she said, and I realized up until this point the entire conversation was focused on me. The minute it turned to her she froze up. “Rutford,” she mumbled.

  “Does he come home a lot? Probably not. That’s a bit of a trip. Huh?”

  Silence.

  I hated that the easygoing Kat from seconds ago disappeared as soon as we started talking about her.

  “I’d make the drive for this,” I said and held up my fork, knowing damn well if I didn’t say anything, we’d sit in silence for the rest of the morning.

  Kat ate a strawberry, and a dab of Nutella smeared on her bottom lip.

  I leaned across the counter, and her body went rigid. “You have a little—” I reached out, wiping my thumb across her lip. Her eyes locked with mine, and it took all my restraint not to wrap my hand around her head and kiss her stupid. “There,” I said. I couldn’t control my eyes from staring at her mouth. Her lips parted and the restraint I had vanished. I leaned back towards her.

  She jumped out of her chair. “I’m thirsty. Do you want a drink?” she asked, and before I could respond, her head was already in the fridge.

  “I’m good, thanks.”

  I didn’t want a drink. The only thing I wanted was her.

  Chapter 4

  I woke to the sound of clanging pots. I rolled my head to my alarm clock. Kat was right on time. I was a little disappointed she didn’t come up and get me. Maybe I should’ve made a loud thump so she would have.

  It was tempting, but I decided against it. Instead, I got dressed and headed downstairs. Scrambled eggs were on the counter. A guy could get used to this.

  I climbed onto a stool and said, “Morning.” When she spun around there was a glow to her cheeks, an almost-sparkle in her eye. The same innocent radiance that had lured me in originally.

  “Morning. I hope you like cheese in your eggs.” She faced the sink and ran the pan under water. Her hips swayed as if she were moving to a beat only she could hear.

  “Who doesn’t like cheese in their eggs?”

  “My mom for one,” she said, and the way her voice softened worried me.

  “Are you ever going to tell me how your mom is doing
? Is it bad?”

  Kat’s back tensed. She turned the faucet off and stuck the pan in the drying rack. I watched her shoulders rise with the breath she took, then she turned to me.

  “I’ll meet you in the car when you’re finished.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “You have a doctor’s appointment.”

  “In three hours.”

  Kat stopped, and turned back to me, but didn’t look me in the eye. “We also have to fill your prescription and get more gauze like we should’ve yesterday.”

  She grabbed her bag and walked right out the door.

  I took my time eating, expecting Kat to come back in. She never did. I washed my dishes, dried them and took more time than necessary to get to the car.

  Kat sat in the driver’s seat, and the tension that had tugged at her face earlier was gone. She had a word search puzzle book in one hand and a pen in the other. A smile formed, and she quickly put the pen to the paper. She glanced up and our eyes locked for a brief second before she leaned over and stuck the book in the glove box.

  I opened the door and went to sit when I noticed an envelope. I reached down and picked it up. Before I could say anything, Kat’s eyes widened and she ripped it out of my hand, shoving it into her bag. But not before I saw the return address.

  Who did she know at Springfield County Jail?

  We drove in silence the entire way to the drugstore. Every time I tried to make conversation, she turned the volume of the radio up. I’d let her avoid the mom question for now. Give her enough time to get out of the dark place she retreated to. Even though I had no idea what it was that made her not want to talk—I got it. Because every time Liz or her boyfriend, Zach, asked me about my random zone outs, I lied. I couldn’t talk about it. It was my burden. Not theirs. I couldn’t do that to them.

  But I wanted to take that sadness, that hurt, away from Kat. She didn’t need to live with it inside of her. Eating away at all that was good. I wanted to be the person she could confide in. Because once upon a time, I was that person.

  Looking at her was like a thousand line drives to my chest. I fucked up. Never even introduced her to my family. Anybody. The only ones who knew about us . . . were us. Why did I do that? Back then she was just as beautiful and kind, and I was a fool who should’ve shown her the world instead of just the back of my pickup.

  Which is why when Liz was going through hell over her breakup with Zach, she didn’t think I understood. Little did she know, I understood all too well. A broken heart’s not something that’s easily forgotten. Not something you can just pick up and move on from. I put up a good front, pretending everything was okay. I had to. What other choice did I have? No one knew about it. About us. A part of me wanted to keep it that way. Made it a little more special. Like we were keeping a secret from the rest of the world. Only we were in on it.

  Maybe that’s why she never told me to stay. Why stay with someone who didn’t let the world know he loved her? Damn. I was an idiot.

  She pulled the car into a spot and came around to get my door. I should’ve been the one opening her door, but I couldn’t even get out of the car without her help.

  “I’m sorry,” I said as she shut the door behind me.

  “I don’t mind. I’m getting paid to do it anyway.” She started towards the entrance, and I reached out and pulled her elbow towards me. Soft curls spun around as she faced me.

  Her breath hitched. I took satisfaction in knowing my closeness affected her. “That’s not what I meant,” I said. The skin on the bridge of her nose pinched tight in confusion. Resisting the urge to touch that spot, I stroked circles with my thumb on her wrist. “I’m sorry you met my sister yesterday.”

  “Why would you be sorry about that?” Kat smirked. “She’s a sweetheart, and for whatever reason, she loves you. Though, she did refer to you as the ‘Golden Child.’”

  I rubbed at my forehead then dropped my hand to hold her other wrist. “What I mean is, you should have met her two years ago. All of my family, you should have met. I’m sorry I kept you to myself.”

  Her hair fell, covering her face, and I knew she did it so I wouldn’t see her reaction. I controlled my desire to push it away, afraid if I did, it wouldn’t be enough. Since she walked in my door, I had been dealing with a constant hard on. It was bad enough when I grabbed her elbow and her wrists. They should have warning labels for skin that soft.

  Finally, after what felt like hours, she lifted her head, tucking her hair behind her cute little ears. “Like I said the other day, it’s the past. Let it stay there.”

  It seemed so unfair. The past being allowed to stay there when I couldn’t go back. But why couldn’t we have what we once did? I just had to start from scratch. Show her all the reasons why she once loved me.

  “You’re right. No use reliving it. So I’ll get the meds, you get the bandages. Meet at the register?”

  She adjusted her purse on her shoulder. “Sounds like a plan.”

  We walked into the store and went our separate ways. I limped through the makeup aisle and right to the pharmacy in the back.

  My phone beeped in my pocket and I pulled it out.

  Eli: Dude I’m getting worried. Call me.

  I cleared the screen and shoved it back into my pocket.

  I walked up to the counter. A lady with a really bad wig and too much makeup looked up at me. “I’m here to pick up a prescription. Josh Wagner.”

  “Oh my, you were the shooting victim,” she said with no reservations, like it was normal to blurt out something like that. I bet she wouldn’t be too happy if I walked up and said, “Oh you must be the lady with the bad wig.”

  “That would be me,” I said. I was getting used to it though. It was a three-ring circus after the shooting. I was like a local celebrity. Weird how Kat didn’t have a clue. The girl needed a TV.

  She always loved reruns of Saved by the Bell and Dawson’s Creek. She talked about the characters like they were real people, and even though I didn’t care about the Joey, Dawson, and Pacey triangle, I listened anyway because it made her happy.

  “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s great to see you out and about.”

  “I appreciate that,” I said with a nod.

  “Let me get your script. I’ll be right back.” The woman wobbled away, and I glanced to my left only to be met by a shrine of condoms. It was like an insta-smack. The memory hit me hard. I had bought condoms before meeting Kat at the clearing.

  It was the first time we had sex. Call me cocky, but I had a feeling that night was the night. I was right. I remembered every detail right down to the white lace thong and matching bra she had under her light pink dress.

  “You have got to be kidding me. Josh?” I quickly turned at the voice and knocked a box of condoms to the floor. Of all people to bump into on my first real outing. And when I was with Kat, no less.

  I awkwardly went to pick the box up, but Kim beat me to it. “Umm . . . K-Kim. Hi,” I stuttered. Smooth. Real smooth.

  “It’s so good to see you. After I heard what happened, I was so worried. I wanted to call, but I didn’t have your new number.”

  I’m sure she did. Kim didn’t just call to see how people were doing though. She only called when she needed something or had an ulterior motive. It only took me a week of dating her to come to that realization. She wanted to use me and my baseball scholarship as a way out of here. Though, at the time, the sex was good, so I let her stick around. But then I discovered what it was like to have sex with Kat, someone I actually loved. Nothing topped that.

  Kim handed me the box of condoms. “Since you’re looking at condoms, I guess all the right parts are still working.” Her overly made up eyes glanced down to my crotch and then back up. She smirked in her sexy way, but it didn’t have the same effect on me it once did.

  Normally I’d have a smooth response, but my eyes settled on Kat across the way and panic set in. I fumbled with the box and put it back on
the rack just as the woman from behind the counter approached.

  “Here it is.” The woman held up my prescription. She rung me up and I paid.

  “You take care of yourself,” the woman called out, and I offered a smile.

  I needed to get back to Kat, but as soon as I moved Kim stood in front of me. “It was good to see you. I’m still at home. Community college and all. We should meet up while you’re around.” She reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell.

  Her long red nails clicked on my phone as she typed in her number to my contacts. Note to self: delete. As soon as possible.

  She slid my phone back in my pocket and lingered a little too long. Then stood on her toes and kissed my cheek. “See you soon, gorgeous.” She winked a dark eye at me and strutted away. The girl had a nice ass. I couldn’t deny that.

  Shit. Why was I staring at her ass when the only ass I cared about had walked away a while ago?

  I met Kat back in the front at the register. She had a basket and far more than the bandages we came in for.

  “I see Kim is just as slutty as always,” she said, not even attempting to disguise the acid in her tone. She cringed. “Sorry, that was mean. It’s nice you guys are still friendly.”

  “We’re not. That’s the first time I’ve seen her since . . .” I paused before I stuck my foot in my mouth. The last time I saw Kim was a huge mistake. “Since senior year.”

  “Oh.” Silence spread between us, and I wished the line would move faster. The last thing I needed was to bump into Kim again while I was standing with Kat.

  “What is all this?” I asked, hoping to break through the silence.

  “I hope you don’t mind. I had a few things I had to pick up.”

  “I don’t mind.” Curiosity struck me, and I peered down into her basket. Body wash, makeup, probably to cover the light dusting of freckles on her nose, paper towels, a book of word search puzzles—I’m sure she had one in her bag already—and a TV dinner. I reached into the basket and pulled it out.

  “What are you doing?” She grabbed for it, but even though I was on crutches I was still taller than her. “Give it back,” she demanded.